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I've been married for over a year now, to my wife who I've been with nearly 3 years. Early on when we started going out together, I brought up the fantasy I had of watching her being with another guy, and sharing her with other men. She wasn't put off completely by it, and for about a year or two, we would fantasise about this during sex. We bought some sex toys and because we were still in the early days of our relationship, would have sex all the time. We often acted out this fantasy in the bedroom, which was a laugh, as well as really sexy.

Shortly after we were married, we started looking into trying this fantasy for real. We posted some ads, made a profile and came quite close to arranging a meet. I knew it was mostly my fantasy, and I was way more eager to try it. In the end it didn't happen and since then my wife has completely gone off the idea.

I haven't.

It became even more intense actually.

We watch porn together occasionally, but I was still wanting to try those things for real, whereas she was just enjoying the videos.

Right now, I feel like I'm kinda stuck. I totally respect my wife's decision to not try it out, but I haven't been able to shake it off. It's becoming really preoccupying and I feel like I can't tell her that this is almost an obsession of mine.

I've brought it up enough times, and she's given it enough thought. When she says it's not something she wants to do, I can't really come back and say 'Well it's something I want to do!'

In previous relationships, I've had positive experiences of this 'sharing' of partners. I dipped my toes in the swinger scene in the UK and met many couples who had a tremendous bond and were so in love, and at the same time could share their partners with me. It was thrilling and I knew I would want to try it again in the future.

I totally respect monogamy, but at the same time, we're all different when it comes to desire. I've looked up tons of stuff relating to this, have read so many academic articles, watched many videos on the topic, listened to podcasts, and it always brings me back to the point where I still want to try it. Even reading the negative stuff...

I reckon there's gonna be a lot of you should respect your wife's decision, or why are you being so selfish you pig or why the hell would you risk your marriage over this??

I don't think there's anywhere online that seems to have reasoned debate when it comes to this - it's all hysterical stuff coming from insecure people, who can't see a different, more open-minded relationship.

To those people - maybe watch this first - it opened my eyes up to the fact that maybe we're not so preprogrammed to monogamy. Honestly give it 15 minutes of your time, it's fascinating.

https://www.ted.com/talks/christopher_ryan_are_we_designed_to_be_sexual_omnivores?language=en

I've also watched Esther Perel who is great:

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en

Just because I feel this way, don't assume that I don't really love my wife. I do, and always will. You know nothing about me or her, so please keep those unhelpful remarks to yourself. Instead justify any hyperbole you want to use with reasoning and facts.

Also - I've heard the Don't do it buddy, it will end badly, she'll leave you for another guy narrative. That will only happen if our marriage was going to end anyway. It would just speed up the process. And if that was the best thing for both of us, I would have no regrets.

But consider that there is a possibility that it might enrich our marriage, deepen our love and attraction to each other, and improve our self confidence and health - which is also something I've read a lot about. It could empower both of us personally and there are benefits to be gotten from sharing partners. It's not a myth, or am I completely off the mark???

I'd love to hear from anyone who has advice on this. I will likely need to see a sex therapist on my own, as I can't live with this unfulfilled fantasy for much longer.

Thank you for reading.
 

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Hey it may work for some people.

Thing is, most women would lose respect for a husband that wants another guys [email protected] inside her.

If she is able to contact this guy then that opens up doors for her and him to get together on the side with you out of the picture.

If you need to do it that bad then just be prepared for things in the future.

Women form an emotional bond with guys that they have sex with. You are opening that door if you do this.
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Hey it may work for some people.

Thing is, most women would lose respect for a husband that wants another guys [email protected] inside her.

If she is able to contact this guy then that opens up doors for her and him to get together on the side with you out of the picture.

If you need to do it that bad then just be prepared for things in the future.

Women form an emotional bond with guys that they have sex with. You are opening that door if you do this.
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I understand that women have a different take on sex and the connections they make can be emotional too. But that can be overcome with trust, communication and respect.

The point I'm trying to get across, is that being monogamous is not the same as being committed. She can enjoy sex with someone else (if she wants to) and I won't feel she's not committed to me.

If she did end up with the other guy, I wasn't giving her what she needed in the rest of our marriage anyway.

I don't understand how exactly I would lose her respect. Why is this a measure of how respectable I am? It's a sexual kink, that anyone could have. We all have our own. I don't know what qualifies you to speak for 'most women' either? Every person is an individual, but I guess you're making that assumption based on living in a mostly conservative, judgemental media dominated world view that promotes the monogamy paradigm...

I take it you didn't watch the links from my original post?
 

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If your wife is no longer interested in pursuing this idea, then I suggest letting it go. Her no overrides your yes, no matter what. Or maybe waiting until such time as she does show interest. Are you still doing this as a fantasy thing sometimes, or has she stopped that as well? Any kind of pressure on her to do this will backfire - so don't. And it may create friction if she is put off by persistently being asked. Yes, FMF, MFM, etc. are all fun IF everyone is into it and prepared. Been there, done that - but NOT worth risking a good relationship to pursue.
 

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Also - I've heard the Don't do it buddy, it will end badly, she'll leave you for another guy narrative. That will only happen if our marriage was going to end anyway. It would just speed up the process.
I don't believe that to be true. You can wreck an otherwise good marriage any number of ways. One of which is swinging even when both think they want to try it. When one spouse is reluctant, the chances of ruining an otherwise good marriage is high.
 

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Ohhhhkay, no I'm making the assumption that most women would look down on a guy who lets their wife get boinked by another guy because women want to feel protected by their husband. Not be used by two men for sexual pleasure.


And I said most women, not all. I get some women have kinks.

But this is a pro-monogamous-marriage site. Not a swingers site.

You'll get the replies you want at the swingers site.

Hey I get the kinks, I have kinks also but they stay between us in the bedroom.
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Why the heck would you want some strange dudes prick inside your wife's VJ?

I just can't wrap my head around why a guy would possibly enjoy the thought of such a thing.

Unless he wants to see his wife degraded or something.



Not to defend him...

But I've been here for years reading thousands of posts and have seen this a few times

I think it's more of a pleasure thing that he wants to give her. It's a kink for him to see her get the pleasure of 2 men.

Just as if a guy wants to do a FFM. The wife agrees to it because she wants to see the husband have the pleasure of 2 woman.
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Not to defend him...

But I've been here for years reading thousands of posts and have seen this a few times

I think it's more of a pleasure thing that he wants to give her. It's a kink for him to see her get the pleasure of 2 men.

Just as if a guy wants to do a FFM. The wife agrees to it because she wants to see the husband have the pleasure of 2 woman.
Ok I can see that I guess, thanks for the clarification Jerry, that was useful.

In this case she doesn't WANT the pleasure of 2 guys so I'm not seeing the continued allure to him.

As far as FFM, I'd be into that and I've told my girlfriend that.

Repeatedly.
 

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Thanks guys!

For me, I wouldn't want it to happen if she wasn't into it. That would be incredibly unsatisfying. So it's got to be something she wants too.

I'm just not sure of the risk people keep talking about. That's something that comes from a relationship of insecure people, who's marriage is teetering on the brink of break down through jealousy that's beneath the surface. It's about possessiveness and people being constantly in fear of losing their oh to another person, when I don't have that fear.

Any other person brought into it will have absolutely no chance of making her fall for them in one sexual encounter . If that happened then we messed up in our communication about the act somewhere along the way. Someone would have been hiding thoughts of leaving anyway. For me there is no risk.

As for why I want to see another man with my wife, when you see it first hand it is an amazing thing. It takes cottage and is not for everyone.

In a marriage, it is foolish to expect that our desire for each other will always be in sync. There's other forms of interaction and sexual satisfaction.

The advice given here is great, I've just reached a point where I've over shared my desires with her and it's caused us both to close up when talking about sex.

As for do we still have the fantasy, the answer is no. It's completely off the table now.
 

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I too would love it if Mrs.CuddleBug brought home another woman for an insane threesome. FMF.:grin2:

But of course I'm not holding my breath and that fantasy will probably remain just that.

If it did happen, she may like ladies more and I'm history or I may like the other woman more and she is history.

Playing with fire you will get burned.
 

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Letting a third party of either sex occupy any part of your marriage bed, with or without you there, is a fatal mistake!

Don't do it!

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OP,
As I have questioned before and still fail to understand is why do people of such enlightenment as yourself marry? Why does there need to be a vowing to one another? If you are so sure of your relationship, that it cannot be shaken, then of what benefit are vows? I am sincerely perplexed by this. If the two of you share a union that is beyond question, beyond doubt and beyond temptation then why take an oath, is it not completely unnecessary?

Having queried that, there are psychological issues here that are perhaps deeper and less understood than we realize. And, considering that many humans are ofttimes less then completely honest, how can one be sure of any possible outcome in the absence of accurate data.

I had a family member who was into swinging and touted it as being all the things that you have indicated......until he came home for lunch one day and found his wife with her swing partner in their bed. His views suddenly changed as did his marital status and the familial unit in which his children dwelt in security, until they did not. If you sincerely do not have angst over losing your wife as a possible consequence of this endeavor, nevermind allowing another male to experience your wife and she him, then I must question your definition of love, commitment and how they apply to her. If you can relegate any possible dissolution of your marriage to "it was going to happen anyway" then how can you remain married without testing this theory? Your marriage may be one act of coitus from divorce. If this sounds sensible to you then we are indeed too far apart on our viewpoints for my advice to be of any benefit to you.

I will nevertheless posit this for your consideration. In life there are things which we simply cannot have for whatever reason be it financial, ideological or what have you. This may be one of those things. However, if you cannot deny yourself this and are prepared to face any resultant consequences, then rolling the dice on your relationship may be too exciting a gamble for you not to take. Good luck.
 

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First, you need to stop arguing about "the risks." Your wife has said no, and so there will be no risks. Letting yourself dwell on them is part of the obsession.

2nd, deal with the obsession. Just because your wife could "solve" this problem for you does not mean she should. See a therapist to find out what is really going on with you--what unmet need or other concern is leading you to obsess about this. Maybe you see her as a "prize" you want other men to experience and then have to do without most of the time. Maybe you see women as objects for men to bond over. I have *no* idea and just came up with the ideas to illustrate the point that there is most likely something underneath the obsession that you need to deal with. It might not really be about sex--could be about you, a subconscious sense of inadequacy or something. Just talk to someone other than your wife, a professional who has worked with similar problems if you can find one.

Best of luck.
 

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Your fantasy in your head with your wife and a couple of guys is just that, a fantasy and a fantasy always works out fine because it's yours, you created it, you direct it.

If a scene needs changed you can do it because it's all in your head so at the end of it your wife gives you such a hug and kiss and thanks you for giving her this and she makes you a steak dinner and all is well.

So what happens if she agrees to this and it doesn't go according too the script you have in your head? You can't just rub your eyes, blink a couple times and the vision disappears and you start over again. It's done. The damage is done and you have to live with it.

Take some advice. Stop watching porn. The people in those videos are paid to moan, groan and try to act and then they go home. But then it's your life. Old Chinese proverb. "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it".
 

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I understand that women have a different take on sex and the connections they make can be emotional too. But that can be overcome with trust, communication and respect.

Plenty of great marriages chock full of trust, communication, and respect end up torpedoed by feelings.

The point I'm trying to get across, is that being monogamous is not the same as being committed. She can enjoy sex with someone else (if she wants to) and I won't feel she's not committed to me.

To most people, being monogamous is part and parcel of being committed. For a lot of us, a partner suggesting non-monogamy translates to that partner being not 100% committed to the relationship.

If she did end up with the other guy, I wasn't giving her what she needed in the rest of our marriage anyway.

No. For most people, a monogamous relationship makes them feel valued and secure.

When monogamy is removed, these people feel less valued by their primary partners and they begin to feel insecure. This makes them vulnerable to another partner who can make them feel valued and secure.

Your wife could be getting exactly what she needs from your marriage and then agree to the swinging you'd like to do and suddenly find that she is no longer getting what she needs.

I don't understand how exactly I would lose her respect. Why is this a measure of how respectable I am? It's a sexual kink, that anyone could have. We all have our own. I don't know what qualifies you to speak for 'most women' either? Every person is an individual, but I guess you're making that assumption based on living in a mostly conservative, judgemental media dominated world view that promotes the monogamy paradigm...

She could lose respect for you simply because you don't share the same moral values. Just because she thought something was a hot and fun idea doesn't mean she espouses that lifestyle in reality.

She could lose respect for you simply because cuckolds are seen as weak and lacking masculinity. It's programmed into us. No one respects the guy letting other guys use his woman as a cum dumpster. Including the woman and the other guy(s).

I take it you didn't watch the links from my original post?
Thanks guys!

For me, I wouldn't want it to happen if she wasn't into it. That would be incredibly unsatisfying. So it's got to be something she wants too.

I'm just not sure of the risk people keep talking about. That's something that comes from a relationship of insecure people, who's marriage is teetering on the brink of break down through jealousy that's beneath the surface. It's about possessiveness and people being constantly in fear of losing their oh to another person, when I don't have that fear.

I had this very same argument with my DH back in the day when we were first dating. His previous relationship was with a woman who enjoyed MFM and MFF threesomes. He tried the same tired lines when we got together.

My response was quite simple. I am secure enough in who I am to recognize my own value. A man who is willing to share me and risk our relationship as well as my health and safety clearly fails to place the appropriate value on me and is not good relationship material.

Any other person brought into it will have absolutely no chance of making her fall for them in one sexual encounter . If that happened then we messed up in our communication about the act somewhere along the way. Someone would have been hiding thoughts of leaving anyway. For me there is no risk.

Feelings aren't nearly that predictable. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but it won't change a dang thing if one of her encounters happens to be with a nice guy she's attracted to who is sexually skilled and intrigues her. She could even justify pursuing him at a later time because why not? It's not like her husband minds sharing her, after all.

BTW, I literally fell in love with my DH at first sight. I didn't even believe it was possible until it happened to me. I blew up my life, my two kids lives, and ended my "open marriage" within weeks in order to be with him. It's been nearly 16 years now.

As for why I want to see another man with my wife, when you see it first hand it is an amazing thing. It takes cottage and is not for everyone.

It's not some amazing thing. It's sex. And it's sex solely based on using another human being for nothing more than physical pleasure. Nothing too awe inspiring about that. People use and discard each other every day all over the world.

In a marriage, it is foolish to expect that our desire for each other will always be in sync. There's other forms of interaction and sexual satisfaction.

Yes, there certainly are times in a marriage where the spouses desires don't exactly mesh. There truly are myriad ways to interact and be sexually satisfied. And very few of those ways involves consensual adultery.

The advice given here is great, I've just reached a point where I've over shared my desires with her and it's caused us both to close up when talking about sex.

If just talking about it causes you both to close up, how well do you think doing it would work out?

As for do we still have the fantasy, the answer is no. It's completely off the table now.
Get into counseling. Depending on the specific details, you may have caused more harm to your wife and your relationship than you realize. If it's not dealt with and resolved, you may find yourself either very unhappily married or single again.
 

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Letting a third party of either sex occupy any part of your marriage bed, with or without you there, is a fatal mistake!

Don't do it!

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It usually works better if there's a third and FOURTH party of mixed sex. Then it balances out quite well, in most cases, at least.
 
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