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Discussion Starter #1
You can read all my previous posts. Something has occurred over the past two days that probably has been building very slowly and I just didn't notice until it had gotten this bad. Two nights ago we were chatting and having a great time we never just talk like we were but we end up talking for like 3hrs. It was great just shooting the **** but near the end I touched her knee at one point, she goes. "Don't" I said "touch your knee?" and she said "don't touch me ever!" i don't like you and don't trust you i feel as if I'm being molested. You know what that's like right (referring to some unwanted sexual contact a friend tried to have with me in high-school) and it killed the night needless to say.

Last night, the very next night, she cuddles up to me while watching a tv show in bed and holds my hand and starts being somewhat sexual almost. She had me playing with her hair and so i decided to make a move.

As soon as i did she freaked and said that I wasn't respecting what she said the night before and that all I wanted was sex not to be with her (not true, physical love is a love language of mine and that's all. I want her, i love her i don't just want sex) it went on and on about how i probably told her I wanted to have more kids just so that I could have sex to get her pregnant and that men or anyone don't need sex and that men manipulate women by using that excuse. Its something people want but that marriages should exist without it and it's only something that people do if they want to in a marriage (duh right?) but not because anyone "needs to"

I'm rambling it went on and on but it hit me that this has nothing to do with me. Somethings wrong, really wrong and oddly feel more committed to helping her because something is clearly off.

I post here because this community always helps me see things i'm not seeing and gives me support since i have no friends and I can't trust my family. You're all I have to talk to.
Thanks in advance.
 

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Has she been sexually abused? Or suffered any kind of abuse for that matter? Has she been diagnosed with any kind of mental disorder?

Sorry just trying to get some quick answers from you on things, I don't have time to read your other posts right now.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Not that she's ever admitted but I've long suspected more than she's told me. She feels she's rushed into sex and men have used her for sure but I don't feel that would account for this extreme response. As she always said she felt she could say no.
 

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It sounds like she has been. Have you suggested counseling? I think too, if she refuses to go you should go. Tell a counselor what you have told us here and see what they have to say.
 

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That is extremely odd. Sexual activity is such an important component in a marriage. It brings two people much closer together into a deeper bond.

I love physical touch from my husband, including groping. I'll take it anytime, unless I'm feeling really I'll with the stomach bug. Then I need to be left alone.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I am starting to feel really crazy. She's got me thinking I'm wrong for tying an emotion to sex.

I'm in love with my hubby: I think you're a unique case and your husband's a lucky man. Most women do not feel that way.

I definitely will seek counseling but there are going to be all sorts of obstacles i promise. She will not be ok with the money spent she will refuse to watch the kids during the time and absolutely will not attend. I work 12 hours a day though I don't believe i'll have a time to go. Suggestions? I've always said that a therapist that works house calls would be ideal for us.
 

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I am starting to feel really crazy. She's got me thinking I'm wrong for tying an emotion to sex.

I'm in love with my hubby: I think you're a unique case and your husband's a lucky man. Most women do not feel that way.

I definitely will seek counseling but there are going to be all sorts of obstacles i promise. She will not be ok with the money spent she will refuse to watch the kids during the time and absolutely will not attend. I work 12 hours a day though I don't believe i'll have a time to go. Suggestions? I've always said that a therapist that works house calls would be ideal for us.
Hold on a minute...sex is also important in my marriage...to me, so IILWMH is not the only one.

Something weird is going on. She should want to get therapy if she has a problem with this. I did.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thats the problem she doesn't see it as a problem. I'm the one with the issues here not her. I'm being sarcastic of course but that's the dynamic she's setup in our relationship. Any argument to the contrary elicits rage and irrational behavior as the prior mentioned threatening of police phone calls which I can't afford. I'm pretty stuck.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I don't mean to be sexist but I had always had in my head that while women can enjoy sex they don't find any need for it or desire. My wife has backed that up along with her friends and her sisters who i've heard complain about having to have sex etc etc enough women i've encountered had echoed that that I have started to believe it. I always thought that was just a ridiculous thing that men who weren't getting sex or who where horrible partners would say but the vast majority of women I've been involved with and been around view it as a chore for sure.
 

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Hoo Boy

It's not you who needs the counseling. It's her

She needs some serious IC to dig into this and to find out why she feels that way about sex

Good luck. Sounds like your life just went from crap to sh1thouse in 30 seconds flat
 

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If you already know she wont go, then you need to go. If she pitches a fit because of money, wont watch the kids etc, then know you're dealing with a child yourself. If you're two grown married people its time to start acting like it. Get into some IC, and see what they suggest.
 

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You're not stuck, you're choosing to be stuck. If my wife teased me with affectionate touching and then rejected my reciprocation I wouldn't tolerate it at all. I would give her a short lecture about how sexual intimacy is the most important component of any marriage, therefore it's healthy, and she has a severe misunderstanding about how to treat a spouse with love and respect.

Make her go to therapy or start putting a plan together for yourself to leave the relationship if she keeps rejecting therapy.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I would agree, she just has this huge unknown over my head. Because of our DV incident a few years ago she always threatens to use the police if need be (again you can see previous posts) and the cops told me then if they ever have to come back here they don't care if it was me who called they'll lock me up. She'll say or do whatever it takes to get her way. I have to protect my kids and if i don't budge she starts saying she'll leave. One time my daughter heard her say that and she flipped it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever heard in my life. My daughter crying for her mom not to leave. I of course cave at that point.

I agree she needs counseling she needs to be an adult. However she essentially has our life and livelihood with a gun to it's head. If I step out man oh man. I don't know what'll happen, police I'll get smacked around again, yelled at screamed at. It's almost easier and safer for me to just keep it peaceful.
 

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I would agree, she just has this huge unknown over my head. Because of our DV incident a few years ago she always threatens to use the police if need be (again you can see previous posts) and the cops told me then if they ever have to come back here they don't care if it was me who called they'll lock me up. She'll say or do whatever it takes to get her way. I have to protect my kids and if i don't budge she starts saying she'll leave. One time my daughter heard her say that and she flipped it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever heard in my life. My daughter crying for her mom not to leave. I of course cave at that point.

I agree she needs counseling she needs to be an adult. However she essentially has our life and livelihood with a gun to it's head. If I step out man oh man. I don't know what'll happen, police I'll get smacked around again, yelled at screamed at. It's almost easier and safer for me to just keep it peaceful.
You're being controlled. If I were you, I would seek help tell them everything you have said here, and let them advise you on what your next step is. Separation is what comes to mind. Its no way to live. I think you're not only dealing with a person with childlike qualities but one that might be a bit of a loose cannon as well, sorry.
 

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I don't think you are missing anything. Your wife has some severe deep rooted emotional & sexual experience from her past that is affecting your marriage today. The reason your wife tells you that there is no problem is because she doesn't want to acknowledge that she is a problem or the problem. AND NEVER, NEVER, NEVER under any circumstances ever tell or allude to to your wife that she is a problem or has problems. Big no, no!

Most people don't like to acknowledge they have issues, trauma, hurt, etc. That is what counseling is for...to bring this past hurts to light, so that they are dealt with. And probably the very mentioning of counseling will bring about world war 3 in your marriage for the day. Of course, communication is always the key, but you need two to tango.

So the question is, "How do I effectively communicate with my wife that she needs to see a counselor?" And to add to that, "How do I bring it up whereas it won't put her down and won't cause her to get mad at me?" That is really tough to answer. If you are a praying individual (which I suspect you are), than you need to commit this to prayer. Pray without ceasing! Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and thanksgiving! There are negative roots in your wife's past that are causing great consternation and trust in her marriage and it needs to be addressed.

Okay, if you two are not the praying type or that you can't pray with our wife, than you need to effectively conveys with her how her responses to your advances are effecting the intimacy of your marriage (from your standpoint and desires). Don't allow her to let up on this issue and to pawn it off as it is not an issue...because it really is. No need to be blinded, ignorant, and evasive to what is really at hand. You need to press the issue with her, but not in a condescending forceful way that demands. Be gentle and ginger with your approach. Maybe wait for a non-intimate time where she is having a good day.

I will be praying for you two!
 

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If you are that worried about her calling the police and making false accusations I think you should handle this almost in an intervention type of way. Have a very close friend (or two) who is friends with both of you there when you tell her that she needs to go to therapy with you or you will be leaving. Then you have witnesses so that she cannot call the police and lie about the situation nor will she be likely to physically attack you.

I haven't read your other posts but this just sounds like an unlivable situation. I feel like you should give her an ultimatum and if she doesn't follow through you need to leave. If she is this unbalanced it isn't a great environment for the kids to be around either.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Thank you all. I am not a praying person at all but a good vibe is just as strong for me LOL. The deal is i love her, i care for her I know she isn't really "this way" an intervention would be great if I had friends. None of her friends or family would help me I think. I think instead i need to find a way to live with this. I am sure I'm just having a bad day. Just an update. Sent me this post this morning 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage

told her I thought it was great but no response to a call or text finally she called me and ripped my head off about being busy all day and she doesn't just get to sit on her ass and work. She's busy with the kids. I tried to kindly point out she says that every time we fight and when we aren't fighting it's all day with nice little messages and photos of the kids. Suddenly she doesn't have time when we're fighting and when we aren't she does. Then she flat out told me that she doesn't want to make an effort when we're fighting. I said but then we'd never talk about it because as soon as i'm home and done working because she just goes in "her" room (when we are fighting it's her house her room) and that's it. Her response was "hopefully!, i don't want to talk to you at all"

Like holy **** right there's nothing i can say and no opportunity to make this better.
 

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How old are your kids? Your wife stays home with them all day? Any times her whereabouts can go unseen?
 
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