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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
my husband and I have been through a lot in 16 years of marriage. 6 years ago, he cheated and I moved out. We went to therapy and decided to give our marriage another chance. In my gut, I don't think I ever fully trusted him again. Just recently, though everything seems fine, I just had a feeling that he was up to something. He's been using Facebook chat almost nonstop, and when I peeked at his phone, all the chats are deleted. He got a new phone last week, and he didn't realize that if he didn't log out of Facebook on his old device, it still works on wi-fi. I know the relationship is over when it comes to this level of snooping, but I also know that when I confront him with these chats and tell him I want a divorce, he's going to whine, lie, and gaslight me, claiming I'm overreacting to "flirty jokes". The things I read were not jokes at all, but I would like to have some impartial opinions. Here's what I saw:
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Not sure how anyone could be impartial, as it's pretty clear that your husband is a thirsty dog!

As sexual flirting goes, this example is pretty poor. Your husband is pushing for her to respond, but she isn't really into it, ir has poor conversation skills.
He does say 'humour me' and appears to be looking for a sexual conversation to get off on, at this point.

Do you know her? He seems to know her from his past. Is it the woman he had an affair with 6 years ago?

No indication from the screen shots that they have met up yet, or plan to. He did ask her if he would do though.
So keep watching the chats, whilst you look into the divorce. Get a head start on him.
 

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you have to DTMFA him.

Get your ducks lined up, you don't even need to show this to him now. Stay empowered and walk from this, there is no possible come back but he will most likely try to mess with your head. When you are ready, then email him this. You don't need to even discuss it. I walked from something similar. I can't even believe I tried to hang on to what I had now.
 

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Just carry on keeping copies of all of the messages and see a lawyer. I wouldn't even tell him you are gong to end the marriage but just get on with it and have those divorce papers served. He may or may not have actually physically cheated yet with this lady but he clearly wants to, but either way he is still cheating.
You dont mention children but do you have any?
 

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Yep... he’s at least trying to cheat with someone he knows from his past.

when my exH got me to forgive him the first time he cheated (that I know of) I told him if he ever did it again I would end the marriage without any conversation. And that’s what I did

Poof - our 27 year history was gone in a few words. I said one the phone “don’t bother coming home - the locks have been changed and the money is moved, I know about the gal you spent the weekend with.”

there’s no reason to waste more time with someone that’s willing to betray you - ESPECIALLY when this was his chance to show you he was faithful.

some people just can’t be faithful! Better to get rid of those types. They can cheat on someone else.

I knew I deserved better.
 

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my husband and I have been through a lot in 16 years of marriage. 6 years ago, he cheated and I moved out. We went to therapy and decided to give our marriage another chance. In my gut, I don't think I ever fully trusted him again. Just recently, though everything seems fine, I just had a feeling that he was up to something. He's been using Facebook chat almost nonstop, and when I peeked at his phone, all the chats are deleted. He got a new phone last week, and he didn't realize that if he didn't log out of Facebook on his old device, it still works on wi-fi. I know the relationship is over when it comes to this level of snooping, but I also know that when I confront him with these chats and tell him I want a divorce, he's going to whine, lie, and gaslight me, claiming I'm overreacting to "flirty jokes". The things I read were not jokes at all, but I would like to have some impartial opinions. Here's what I saw:
View attachment 71640 View attachment 71641 View attachment 71642
Even if he didn't have a history of faithlessness, this would be beyond the line. Since he has already proven to be a betrayer, he doesn't even have room for more innocent interaction than this.

He is a loser and he needs kicked to the curb.

I don't get these pathetic morons.
 

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Serial cheaters very rarely change. They always need attention from someone new — even if they never meet them in person. And all the wishing and hopIng a spouse does that they’ll magically stop one day is just wasted energy. They may promise to stop whatever they’re doing (they don’t consider any of it cheating) — but don’t bet on it. It’s who they are. I was married to a serial cheater for a very long time and I don’t recommend that life.
 

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Well, he is definitely pushing to see if something comes out of it. That's the typical goading behavior to entice the conversation to change to sexual, it seems she's falling for it.That's how all of this starts. He is not a trustworthy person. To me "Game Over".
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Just carry on keeping copies of all of the messages and see a lawyer. I wouldn't even tell him you are gong to end the marriage but just get on with it and have those divorce papers served. He may or may not have actually physically cheated yet with this lady but he clearly wants to, but either way he is still cheating.
You dont mention children but do you have any?
We never had children, but we a 15 years into a 30 year mortgage.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Not sure how anyone could be impartial, as it's pretty clear that your husband is a thirsty dog!

As sexual flirting goes, this example is pretty poor. Your husband is pushing for her to respond, but she isn't really into it, ir has poor conversation skills.
He does say 'humour me' and appears to be looking for a sexual conversation to get off on, at this point.

Do you know her? He seems to know her from his past. Is it the woman he had an affair with 6 years ago?

No indication from the screen shots that they have met up yet, or plan to. He did ask her if he would do though.
So keep watching the chats, whilst you look into the divorce. Get a head start on him.
This is not the same woman I caught him with before, but I suspect he was also sleeping with this woman at the same time. She is a former co-worker of his, I don't think I ever met her. He referenced in the chat that they've had sex, and the way she replied, it doesn't seem like it was more than 19 years ago, when he and I first started dating.
 

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What are you going to do? You can see he’s pushing her and the ONLY reason it isn’t progressing is because she is barely responding.

and he won’t be sorry he’s doing it - he’ll only be sorry he got caught!

and you’re worried about a mortgage? Sell the house and get half the equity! Does he make more money than you?
 

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We never had children, but we a 15 years into a 30 year mortgage.
This is not the same woman I caught him with before, but I suspect he was also sleeping with this woman at the same time. She is a former co-worker of his, I don't think I ever met her. He referenced in the chat that they've had sex, and the way she replied, it doesn't seem like it was more than 19 years ago, when he and I first started dating.
I am truly sorry you are dealing with this GoodyGracie, this was so hard for me to read because I have lived this and we were in a very similar situation. I forgave him for having an EA online, and we went for counseling and I thought it was getting better. Fast forward, 7 years later, he expressed having inappropriate "thoughts" about a subordinate he hired and trained. I was hurt but gave him another chance, b/c he spotted a problem and headed it off, so I thought. Another 18 months and I found out they were really "in love" and it had progressed to a physical affair.

We also had no kids, were married for about 12.5 yrs, 13 into a 30 yr mortgage, etc. Don't waste any time, he's had enough chances, you've bent over backward to make your marriage work, but one person can't carry a marriage. I agree with the posters who advised you to get your ducks in a row first and file without warning. If he didn't want an ambush, he shouldn't have been a deceitful, cheating asshat. Don't sleep with him and please get tested. Tell him you have a yeast infection and can't have sex until it's cured or something.
 
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