Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 46 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I'd like a woman's perspective on how to approach this with wife; however, male opinions very much welcomed.

I love my wife and would do anything to make her happy. In fact, I used struggled the with guilt of this, but I no longer find my wife physically--sexually attractive due to weight gain. I suspect that she knows this because she has asked me about this, but I don't know how to honestly tell her about this issue. As a result this has put unwanted strain in our marriage because our intimicay has dwinddled. I want to lust for my wife, and want to not be able to take my eyes off of her and want to look forward to her dressing up (so I can undress her), but non is the case. On the other hand my wife still very much finds me sexually attractive. I'm not saying that I'm in the best shape of my life, I'll admit, but we have different needs and sex is different for us. What's frustrating is that I have tried to bring this to her attention before it got worst, but she only tries to make me feel guilty by pointing out my physique--though she physically finds me attractive. This has amplified other problems we are trying to workout in our young marriage. She herself has admitted to letting herself go, I've even contemplated lipo in the areas she's struggling with but I do not want to hurt her feelings. Recently after a big arguement, she began taking some steps, its still inconsistent with real actions. How do I approach this situation? Ladies if this was you, how would you want your husband to tell you about his feelings? Remeber I'd rather lust for her than other women. (I don't want fantasy love conquers all answers plz---this is real life).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,617 Posts
Sex is an excellent form of excersize. Try all sorts of positions like belly dancing while riding cowgirl or even squats in this position too. You could lie on your back and have her do push ups while giving you a bj.

Outside of the bedroom.... Both of you could make plans to eat healthier. Practice wrestling or doing some karate with each other. Jogging or walking together, chatting about anything and everything works. Yoga and belly dancing could be fun for her along with some other dancing excersizes.

Speaking of dancing.... Both of you could try learning the tango or cha cha together.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
121 Posts
Hi I'm over here where the grass is supposed to be greener.

I have the opposite problem. My wife is 106lbs, works out, and is a little hottie.
My problem is her actions and attitude have ruined it for me. Her constant rejections, nasty attitude, spoiled-ness, selfishness, lack of respect and years of sexless marriage make her look ugly to me now. I can see right through it and it's very very unattractive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,036 Posts
My wifee is 5 ft 7 at 220+ lbs and we have no kids, yet.

We had a verbal fight late last night because I was extremely in the mood and she tells me, I'm tired. So I got angry and told her the #1 reason our marriage sucks is because of your sex drive. I went to work in the morning and she was upset. Later on we had the long talk and I told her my sexual fantasies I want to do with her (she still is NO for anal) and she told me she's is going to get a shot in her vagina that resets her bodies hormones and gets her sex drive up. She showed me this and that she's been to a therapist and she even bought us a man and woman book on sex and our lives that we will read together. That night, I started kissing her neck and area , she didn't cringe and we went upstairs. I proceeded to give her oral and she told me, this night is for you. Great BJ, doggie, playing with my balls while missionary, just great and for the first time, she slept with me naked all night (she never does this) and woke up happy and cuddled out. I think it's finally sinking in for her!!! She also asked me, since I'm a God fearing man, about sex do's and don'ts. I told her, since we are married, we can do anything she wants and besides a 3 some, lets do whatever pops in your head!!! So now she understands and knows.

My wife has also got comfy and let herself go and she knows I don't like this. She is looking at going back to a gym now and I told her, it has to be a life style change, not just 1 year and quit.

Compared to most women, my wife is big and not as physically hot, very true. But she on the inside makes most women look bad and if she loses the weight, fantastic.

Have a talk with your woman and tell her, she needs to get back in shape for the sake of your relationship / marriage, otherwise, if she gets even bigger and does nothing, time to move on. She's supposed to give you her best, not get lazy and comfy.

To lose weight, Intermittent Fasting (16 hours of only water and 8 hours of what you'd eat in the day) and mini snack meals every 3 hours. You will lose weight and no sugars, wheats or red meats or fast foods. With cardio and some weights, the weight will come off.:smthumbup:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
286 Posts
As a woman, and the kind of woman I am, I would want my SO to just flat out tell me. I'd be ok to hear exactly what you wrote here. It's not too harsh, it doesn't sound mean or nasty.

You're sincere and you want your wife & no one else. I think you should tell her the same way you told us, but bring a solution to the table as has been suggested. Something you could do together. That way, it could improve your closeness as well.

I suppose it depends on how close you are. Are you best friends? Again, tell her, but offer a solution.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,671 Posts
Weight is something she CAN and should control. Its actionable. If there is something that is unattractive to your spouse and IS actionable or changeable then I think you should tell them. Remember though, you can NEVER UNSAY things, so be careful how you do this. But weight is something she has control of and she should want you to be attracted to her. That said- attraction should be(in a healthy marriage) based on more than physical attributes. So tell her, have a plan to help her lose the weight and take a good look at yourself ad make the improvements you should be making as well.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I used to try different things to keep sex interesting. But it's frustrating because I was doing most of the work in bed. The only time my wife bought a sexy sex clothing was for our honey moon. Its like she expects sex for me to be the same for her, like I'm just supposed to be turned on cause I'm a man or something--there's no seduction from her either. when shes on top i still have to do most of the work because shes out of shape. I went out spent money on activities to help, but she's rarely open to new things....Your idea about the dancing is good though, I think I'll try that one. Keep them coming cause I'm getting towards the end here. I have needs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Sex is an excellent form of excersize. Try all sorts of positions like belly dancing while riding cowgirl or even squats in this position too. You could lie on your back and have her do push ups while giving you a bj.

Outside of the bedroom.... Both of you could make plans to eat healthier. Practice wrestling or doing some karate with each other. Jogging or walking together, chatting about anything and everything works. Yoga and belly dancing could be fun for her along with some other dancing excersizes.

Speaking of dancing.... Both of you could try learning the tango or cha cha together.
Posted via Mobile Device
I used to try different things to keep sex interesting. But it's frustrating because I was doing most of the work in bed. The only time my wife bought a sexy sex clothing was for our honey moon. Its like she expects sex for me to be the same for her, like I'm just supposed to be turned on cause I'm a man or something--there's no seduction from her either. when shes on top i still have to do most of the work because shes out of shape. I went out spent money on activities to help, but she's rarely open to new things....Your idea about the dancing is good though, I think I'll try that one. Keep them coming cause I'm getting towards the end here. I have needs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
As a woman, and the kind of woman I am, I would want my SO to just flat out tell me. I'd be ok to hear exactly what you wrote here. It's not too harsh, it doesn't sound mean or nasty.

You're sincere and you want your wife & no one else. I think you should tell her the same way you told us, but bring a solution to the table as has been suggested. Something you could do together. That way, it could improve your closeness as well.

I suppose it depends on how close you are. Are you best friends? Again, tell her, but offer a solution.
Your answer makes me think I'm losing my mind because I've already tried that. She herself even acknowledged that she's not in her best shape, but after a short effort she only ended up turning it on me---mind you she's still sexually attracted to me to always ask for sex. I even reinsured her that I'm not looking for a supermodel, I just want to lust and stay in love with my wife. It's very hard to be honest with someone who takes every personally, constent re-assurance, and trying to watch what and how you say things. I'm here now because this has escalated and I can't afford counseling. You seem to understand...but I think she's taken me and my needs for granted.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,529 Posts
Exercise alone won't help her lose weight. She needs to track what she's eating, Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com is a good site for this.

All you can do is be honest. Say, "Wife, I love you. That won't change. But I can't be sexually attracted to you while you're this weight. I hate saying this, because I know it will hurt your feelings and I love you so much, but it's the truth and its not going to change." Then don't let her argue with you, or try to guilt you because she feels differently. Men and women often do feel differently about this issue, it's just the way it is.

Good luck.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,885 Posts
Try to see her as who she is, as the person you fell in love with, and to see past the object of your not so aroused desire. See if you can romance her a little and put yourselves in the mood. Then, do it with the lights off while imagining a thinner her. It might work as a quick fix for now, while she is working on her weight issue.

If, however, you are being tempted elsewhere because of this, then tell her gently and honestly and compassionately. How would you want to be told if you were in her shoes? Try " I love you and I want to feel more desire for you again, but, as much as I am embarrassed to bring it up, I am having a problem being attracted to your bigger size. As you have also mentioned wanting to lose weight, lets hire you a personal trainer for three months. What do you say? By the way, I bet there are things about me that upset you; is there something I can change to make you more attracted or pleased with me and how can I show you that I am serious about it?" And then do the thing she expects of you, too.

Honesty is important. As long as you are kind and respectful, the truth is better than repressing and ignoring your feelings. Surely, you can both change something to make your marriage better and by both conceding a change to the other, this becomes a team effort rather than an attack on her body image.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Coffee Amore

·
Registered
Joined
·
167 Posts
If, however, you are being tempted elsewhere because of this, then tell her gently and honestly and compassionately.

How would you want to be told if you were in her shoes? Try " I love you and I want to feel more desire for you again, but, as much as I am embarrassed to bring it up, I am having a problem being attracted to your bigger size.

Everyone's different.
Hi

Depends on how she would react to this?

I don't know... I won't be shocked if these "frustrated husbands" had already looked at other women's pictures online for example at this "advanced" stage. Or Peering at an attractive girl walking down the street if he's so frustrated so much?

This may sound odd but not everyone likes a fit, hard body in females. There are many men who are really into a round body with loads of meat on it to grab hold of. My h for example, seems to be attracted to big breasted and large body size sexually. I often suspected that it's because he likes different body types not purely just a model shape.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,394 Posts
I would love to hear how you resolve this. I am also not attracted to my wife. My wife was 165lbs (5'7") when I married her and I found her very attractive, so it isn't as if I require a skinny little thing to be attracted. She is a very nice woman, with an infectious laugh and is a fantastic mother to our children. However, in our 20 years of marriage, she has gained another 165lbs. and is now morbidly obese. There are a lot of things that happen to people as we age, weight gain (reasonable), thinning hair, gray hair, wrinkles, sagging parts, etc. that are just normal and would not affect my attraction, especially if the person has a personality that I find attractive. Morbid obesity is the ONE thing I cannot get over. I myself have kept in very good shape because I won't accept that for myself. No matter how much I might like her as a person, I cannot bring myself to be physically attracted to her. This has been an ongoing stress in my life because sex is very infrequent and mostly because of me. Yes, everything I can think of has been tried. She has seen doctors (no health cause), I've tried to get her to participate in an active lifestyle, etc. She doesn't eat healthy but she doesn't binge eat either ... she eats no more than I do and I have very low body fat. She is, however, extremely inactive and always has been. As she says, she is allergic to sweat. We went to marriage counseling and the counselor must have brought up her weight nearly every session, not as having consequence on our marriage but out of concern for her health and she told her so (wow!). I am at a complete loss. I'm a sexual and affectionate person and I cannot seem to be that with her. It is hard to imagine a divorce on the basis of not finding her sexually attractive but it is hard to imagine spending the rest of my life in a fairly sexless marriage.

If you find an answer, I sure would like to hear it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
167 Posts
Hi

Well, you need to check what she's buying in a supermarket (check her receipts each time). She may well be binging on a large quantity of baked goods e.g. cakes, breads etc out of boredom but not when you are around looking.

She's probably aware that her weight is an issue so she probably won't be eating these in front of you... I believe she's probably addicted to comfort foods and lazy lifestyle.

She's killing herself to an early grave unless she changes her lifestyle soon. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,394 Posts
Hi

Well, you need to check what she's buying in a supermarket (check her receipts each time). She may well be binging on a large quantity of baked goods e.g. cakes, breads etc out of boredom but not when you are around looking.

She's probably aware that her weight is an issue so she probably won't be eating these in front of you... I believe she's probably addicted to comfort foods and lazy lifestyle.

She's killing herself to an early grave unless she changes her lifestyle soon. Good luck!
This is a good idea. Years ago, I took over the grocery shopping and also control the finances. I'm aware of everything she spends. On the occasion that she does go grocery shopping, she WILL buy a lot of snack foods that I won't buy. Controlling the groceries didn't help her lose weight but it has slowed down her weight gain. The real answer is a change in lifestyle: a healthy diet along with daily exercise. Unfortunately, this is a change my own wife is unwilling to make. She has invested a lot in accepting and being happy with herself ... and this includes being morbidly obese. She is fine with it (despite the health problems it is starting to cause) and expects me to be fine with it. The problem is no jedi mind trick is available to help me get past her weight. It is hard to describe how large she is and how bad she looks without her clothes on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
220 Posts
V10Viper - I'm really surprised by the responses here. From my experience as a woman and having female friends, I can tell you that approaching this the wrong way will drive her away and be self-defeating. If she believes she is ugly and fat, she will probably eat more out of hopelessness. She will resent you and she will have less motivation. Don't tell her she is fat. You can talk about improving BOTH of your health however - which addressing will improve image as well as health.

Women are VERY sensitive about their weights. If you want her to lose weight, there are a few ways to go about this. For one, YOU need to get your ass in shape, too. You said she points to your faults when you talk about hers... Yet because she finds you attractive, you don't need to change? Only she needs to because you are pickier? You need to go through the work WITH her not throwing in on her alone.

Alternatively, fork up the money for a dietician AND personal trainer for her. Many women find it very hard to do it alone and envy the Hollywood ladies who have experts walk them through every step. That may be all that she needs - someone to coach her through it all.

She has to want to lose weight. She can't just do it because you are resenting her weight gain. I am maybe 15 pounds overweight and very upset about that. (I've had eating disorders in the past - which are way more common than most realize.) But thank goodness I have a husband who insists that I'm not overweight and that he likes my body!

I feel sorry for your wife. Your attitude towards her weight is more mean than helpful - in my honest opinion.

Unless she is morbidly obese, like JustSomeGuyWho's wife. In that case for both health and ability to have sex, the wife has got to step up majorly. Again, JustSomeGuyWho... has she ever had a personal trainer and dietician? She really needs both and a lot of support.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
220 Posts
One more thing: You intimated that you are nearing the end of the rope and are tempted to go outside of marriage. Do tell before you do. Otherwise you will damage her and your marriage and yourself in the worst of ways once the infidelity comes to light - and it will and ruin lives in the process.

Just tell her that you are a bit shallow, and you wish you weren't, but if she can't lose the weight, then you will have to seek some sexual gratification on the side. Forewarn her.

Or divorce her. That's the higher road here. Don't cheat. All will lose if you do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,394 Posts
V10Viper - I'm really surprised by the responses here. From my experience as a woman and having female friends, I can tell you that approaching this the wrong way will drive her away and be self-defeating. If she believes she is ugly and fat, she will probably eat more out of hopelessness. She will resent you and she will have less motivation. Don't tell her she is fat. You can talk about improving BOTH of your health however - which addressing will improve image as well as health.

Women are VERY sensitive about their weights. If you want her to lose weight, there are a few ways to go about this. For one, YOU need to get your ass in shape, too. You said she points to your faults when you talk about hers... Yet because she finds you attractive, you don't need to change? Only she needs to because you are pickier? You need to go through the work WITH her not throwing in on her alone.

Alternatively, fork up the money for a dietician AND personal trainer for her. Many women find it very hard to do it alone and envy the Hollywood ladies who have experts walk them through every step. That may be all that she needs - someone to coach her through it all.

She has to want to lose weight. She can't just do it because you are resenting her weight gain. I am maybe 15 pounds overweight and very upset about that. (I've had eating disorders in the past - which are way more common than most realize.) But thank goodness I have a husband who insists that I'm not overweight and that he likes my body!

I feel sorry for your wife. Your attitude towards her weight is more mean than helpful - in my honest opinion.

Unless she is morbidly obese, like JustSomeGuyWho's wife. In that case for both health and ability to have sex, the wife has got to step up majorly. Again, JustSomeGuyWho... has she ever had a personal trainer and dietician? She really needs both and a lot of support.
I agree that telling her may be self-defeating. I REALLY struggle with this. How do I tell her without telling her? I've tried nearly every sly approach in the book to tell her without telling her. Should I simply pretend it isn't a problem and let it continue in order to spare her feelings? Being 15 lbs overweight is far different than being morbidly obese. She was far more than 15lbs overweight when we married and I was completely hot for her.

Just last night, I told her I was going to bed early ... and I think she took this as a request for sex. Coming out of the bathroom, I was surprised to see her sitting there on the edge of the bed with the "we have to talk" look. She asked how I could expect her to have sex if I don't first show affection for her. I had no idea what to say and stumbled for a bit. I had several thoughts.

One is that I am not affectionate with her BECAUSE I am not attracted to her. I AM a very affectionate person and I am extremely affectionate with my daughters. She has mentioned several times that she wishes I was as affectionate with her as I am with them. She has a good point in that my affection with my daughters is not sexual and is based entirely on my love for them and my connection with them ... so why not her? What would sexual attraction have to do with it? Shouldn't love be enough? Well, it isn't ... she is my wife and not my daughter and there needs to be a physical connection as well as an emotional one.

Another thought was that we have lost our emotional connection for a number of reasons, one of them is that our emotional connection is not reinforced by a physical connection. Another reason is that we have a hard time finding things we both enjoy doing together. I tend to enjoy things that require activity and she doesn't. Active things, for me, builds that connection and she has no interest in those things. I remember one moment many years ago pitching softballs to her ... she hit one back that nearly took my head off. I ran up to her, picked her up and gave her a kiss she still remembers. I would have ripped our clothes off right there if there weren't other people around. There were many moments like that ... from a time long ago. A night playing cards, games, etc. is something that interests her and I will go along with it every once in a while but is not high on my list of things I like to do. Sitting there watching tv together does nothing for me even though I will do it. In other words, I will do things with her that she wants to do but they aren't effective in building an emotional connection.

Lastly, my overriding thought was that I wasn't asking for sex. It just highlighted the fact that she is not entirely aware or at least refuses to acknowledge that I'm not attracted to her or that her weight could possibly be an issue for me. She does have some awareness ... even asking me once last year if I was gay (you know because if I wasn't attracted to HER then I must not be attracted to women). It seemed like the opportune moment to tell her exactly why I wasn't interested in having sex. Instead, I chose to tell her that I wasn't feeling emotionally connected to her and her solution was to have date night next week.

She has had a dietician ... several, in fact. A personal trainer is a great idea and one that I will try. Every once in a while she will express an interest in exercise. I have tried all sorts of approaches to this. Fitness is a hobby of mine but I'm well aware that a third-party hold her accountable is likely going to be far more effective in helping her than I am.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,394 Posts
One more thing: You intimated that you are nearing the end of the rope and are tempted to go outside of marriage. Do tell before you do. Otherwise you will damage her and your marriage and yourself in the worst of ways once the infidelity comes to light - and it will and ruin lives in the process.

Just tell her that you are a bit shallow, and you wish you weren't, but if she can't lose the weight, then you will have to seek some sexual gratification on the side. Forewarn her.

Or divorce her. That's the higher road here. Don't cheat. All will lose if you do.
I agree. Cheating will solve nothing and she doesn't deserve it. How would you feel if she invited another man into your bed because you weren't interested in having sex with her? If it could be recorded, how would you feel hearing her having sex with another man? My point is don't do to others. That is the ultimate in selfishness when you can cause that much pain and hurt because you're not getting yours. Do her the favor of leaving her before you cheat on her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
108 Posts
V10,

I've had the same exact problem in my marriage for a VERY long time. The problem was one of shame in my wife's mind. When I finally came out with it, my wife completely freaked out. This is because she cannot separate "I have no sexual attraction for you" from "I don't love you." I've tried to explain it a million times -- how I can love her but be completely unattracted -- yet it's something she continued to reject vehemently. Initially she lashed out in anger. We get along much better these days, but she lacks the initiative, self discipline, or faith that she can ever secure my affection. So we just don't have sex. We get along, but honestly, this continues to defeat us.

A woman dealing with shame will, IMO, need several things to be successful.
1. Willingness to hear and act upon truth
2. An overly supportive and reassuring husband
3. Optimistic, "yes I can!" outlook on life
4. Self discipline

As for what you can do, I would suggest letting the ball down slowly. I would not hide the truth any longer. Trust me when I say that makes things much, much worse. I spent years in depression over this.

Instead speak the truth with gentleness in love. Help her to understand God created men to be attracted physically to their wives, and that she is removing this vital component from the equation. Use this also as an opportunity for both of you to achieve genuine health, so you can spend many happy years together instead of going along in misery.

Best luck, my friend

-seahorse
 
1 - 20 of 46 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top