Well here goes (this will be long, but I don't know how to make it any shorter)...
I am 33 and have been married to my wife for 10 years. We first met and began dating in highschool. In fact our first date was Jan. 18, 1991 (17 years ago this Friday). With the exception of a short break up (my first poor choice) in 1992, we have been together ever since. After highschool I decided to attend the same college she was attending. We married shortly after college graduation. She began teaching elementary children and I went to law school. After law school we moved back near our home town. I was able to get a very good job and she was teaching in a school she very much liked. In 2002 we had our first child. An amazing baby boy (now 5 yrs old). In 2005 we built a new home and moved back to our home town to be closer to church and family. Our second child, the most beautiful baby girl in the world, was born in 2006 (now 1 yr old).
Next is the part that I have trouble putting together. I have always adored her. I can't recall a time that I did not kiss her good bye in the morning and hugged her as soon as I got home. I tell her I love her many times a day. She is and has been the only love of my life.
I have an addictive personality. Not with drugs or alcohol (I have never tried any drugs and do not drink). I did drink socially and party some in college, but realized a few years ago I did not enjoy those things anymore. But, I get stuck on hobbies and want to do them all the time. First it was fly fishing. Followed by golf, ATVs, guns, etc. These come and go but I am always looking for something new. Along the way I never made marriage and communication one of my addictions.
I can look back and recall a few times when my wife has told me that she and our family were taking a back seat to my hobbies and work. Usually I would cut back on the hobby, but when I felt things were going better, a new one would come along. I mistakenly never felt her concerns were justified because I have always loved her and the children. She does know that I have a deep love for my family.
While our life was speeding forward, my wife has battled depression. She would have some hard times, I was willing to talk to her and try to help, and then things would seem better. A few times she told me that she didn't feel like she was a priority to me, but would resolve that I was a good husband and father. I would mistakenly believe that I was being a good husband and father and continue on with life how I knew it.
In December, she and I left the kids with family and took an overnight getaway with another couple (our best friends). The night went well and we played games and had a good time until about 1am. As night was winding down, my best friend (male) and my wife went to the hotel lobby to get a few bottles of water. I went to bed thinking she would be back in a few minutes and we could have the rest of the night to make love and just be together. Hours passed and she never came to our room. I went in the hall to find her, worried that something may have happened. She and my friend were just in the stairwell talking. (I know how this may sound, but I am truly convinced there is nothing going on between them). She finally came to bed about 5am. The next day she was understandably tired and was not in much of a mood to have a good day. This really bothered me for a few reasons. First, she sacraficed our next day together to stay up all night talking to my best friend and the martial troubles he and his wife are having. Second, it became clear that she could not talk to me.
I was able to tell my wife how this all made me feel. For the first time I truly understood how she has felt for the past 15 years (that she was not a priority to me). For the first time I realized that my past behavior has been so hurtful to her that she may no longer want our marriage to work. For the first time I have become addicted to making her happy.
In my job I fix problems. What I have found is that it is easiest to fix a problem if the parties want it to be fixed. I have come to terms with how I have behaved. I have realized what is most important to me, my marriage and family. I don't know if she wants our problems to be fixed.
Over the past several weeks, I have done everything in my power to put my wife and family first. I am trying very had to look at what I am doing objectively. I believe I have made very good progress in changing.
My wife still tells me she loves me. She has never been overly affectionate, but I have always believed she loved me. I don't expect her just to accept that I have changed for good, because of how I have acted the past many years. But, what concerns me the most is that my wife tells me she doesn't know whether or not she wants our marriage to work. Other than to tell me this, she doesn't seem willing to talk. I want so badly to speak with her, but I don't know what to say. I feel our relationship is so very fragile. The best I can describe it is having something in your hands that is so fragile it could collapse under its own weight. I feel like any little thing could cause it to crush itself and that even without a movement it may fail on its own.
Last Saturday I cried and prayed almost all day. Sunday I took a walk trying to get some perspective on what may happen in my life. I know it hurts my wife to see me this way. My heart hurts all the time. I am feeling sorry for myself.
She went to a therapist yesterday. I want to go also and will be making and appointment soon. I have an overwhelming feeling of doom. I don't believe in suicide and don't have any fear of every feeling otherwise. But, if the good Lord were to call me home, I don't think I would argue with him.
I don't know how to be any more honest. I want more than anything for this to work out. I want her to want this to work out but I now know she has dealt with this so long that she has lost herself. Being the opposite of me she has put me and the children first for so long she no longer knows what she likes to do or what she wants.
Obviously I am looking for advice. Also, I need a place to talk. When she is ready, I will talk to my wife. Each night I come home excited that she might be ready to sit down and get this all out on the table. Each night I get more discouraged when she doesn't feel the same. I speak to my best friend, but he is having marital problems too and my wife has already confided in him. I don't think it fair to put him in the middle.
I don't know if anyone will read this far, but just typing this seems to have helped. If that is all I get from this forum, its more than I had when I signed up.
Thanks for reading and I welcome comments.
I am 33 and have been married to my wife for 10 years. We first met and began dating in highschool. In fact our first date was Jan. 18, 1991 (17 years ago this Friday). With the exception of a short break up (my first poor choice) in 1992, we have been together ever since. After highschool I decided to attend the same college she was attending. We married shortly after college graduation. She began teaching elementary children and I went to law school. After law school we moved back near our home town. I was able to get a very good job and she was teaching in a school she very much liked. In 2002 we had our first child. An amazing baby boy (now 5 yrs old). In 2005 we built a new home and moved back to our home town to be closer to church and family. Our second child, the most beautiful baby girl in the world, was born in 2006 (now 1 yr old).
Next is the part that I have trouble putting together. I have always adored her. I can't recall a time that I did not kiss her good bye in the morning and hugged her as soon as I got home. I tell her I love her many times a day. She is and has been the only love of my life.
I have an addictive personality. Not with drugs or alcohol (I have never tried any drugs and do not drink). I did drink socially and party some in college, but realized a few years ago I did not enjoy those things anymore. But, I get stuck on hobbies and want to do them all the time. First it was fly fishing. Followed by golf, ATVs, guns, etc. These come and go but I am always looking for something new. Along the way I never made marriage and communication one of my addictions.
I can look back and recall a few times when my wife has told me that she and our family were taking a back seat to my hobbies and work. Usually I would cut back on the hobby, but when I felt things were going better, a new one would come along. I mistakenly never felt her concerns were justified because I have always loved her and the children. She does know that I have a deep love for my family.
While our life was speeding forward, my wife has battled depression. She would have some hard times, I was willing to talk to her and try to help, and then things would seem better. A few times she told me that she didn't feel like she was a priority to me, but would resolve that I was a good husband and father. I would mistakenly believe that I was being a good husband and father and continue on with life how I knew it.
In December, she and I left the kids with family and took an overnight getaway with another couple (our best friends). The night went well and we played games and had a good time until about 1am. As night was winding down, my best friend (male) and my wife went to the hotel lobby to get a few bottles of water. I went to bed thinking she would be back in a few minutes and we could have the rest of the night to make love and just be together. Hours passed and she never came to our room. I went in the hall to find her, worried that something may have happened. She and my friend were just in the stairwell talking. (I know how this may sound, but I am truly convinced there is nothing going on between them). She finally came to bed about 5am. The next day she was understandably tired and was not in much of a mood to have a good day. This really bothered me for a few reasons. First, she sacraficed our next day together to stay up all night talking to my best friend and the martial troubles he and his wife are having. Second, it became clear that she could not talk to me.
I was able to tell my wife how this all made me feel. For the first time I truly understood how she has felt for the past 15 years (that she was not a priority to me). For the first time I realized that my past behavior has been so hurtful to her that she may no longer want our marriage to work. For the first time I have become addicted to making her happy.
In my job I fix problems. What I have found is that it is easiest to fix a problem if the parties want it to be fixed. I have come to terms with how I have behaved. I have realized what is most important to me, my marriage and family. I don't know if she wants our problems to be fixed.
Over the past several weeks, I have done everything in my power to put my wife and family first. I am trying very had to look at what I am doing objectively. I believe I have made very good progress in changing.
My wife still tells me she loves me. She has never been overly affectionate, but I have always believed she loved me. I don't expect her just to accept that I have changed for good, because of how I have acted the past many years. But, what concerns me the most is that my wife tells me she doesn't know whether or not she wants our marriage to work. Other than to tell me this, she doesn't seem willing to talk. I want so badly to speak with her, but I don't know what to say. I feel our relationship is so very fragile. The best I can describe it is having something in your hands that is so fragile it could collapse under its own weight. I feel like any little thing could cause it to crush itself and that even without a movement it may fail on its own.
Last Saturday I cried and prayed almost all day. Sunday I took a walk trying to get some perspective on what may happen in my life. I know it hurts my wife to see me this way. My heart hurts all the time. I am feeling sorry for myself.
She went to a therapist yesterday. I want to go also and will be making and appointment soon. I have an overwhelming feeling of doom. I don't believe in suicide and don't have any fear of every feeling otherwise. But, if the good Lord were to call me home, I don't think I would argue with him.
I don't know how to be any more honest. I want more than anything for this to work out. I want her to want this to work out but I now know she has dealt with this so long that she has lost herself. Being the opposite of me she has put me and the children first for so long she no longer knows what she likes to do or what she wants.
Obviously I am looking for advice. Also, I need a place to talk. When she is ready, I will talk to my wife. Each night I come home excited that she might be ready to sit down and get this all out on the table. Each night I get more discouraged when she doesn't feel the same. I speak to my best friend, but he is having marital problems too and my wife has already confided in him. I don't think it fair to put him in the middle.
I don't know if anyone will read this far, but just typing this seems to have helped. If that is all I get from this forum, its more than I had when I signed up.
Thanks for reading and I welcome comments.