[ChknNoodleSoup]

DH had an EA, wants a divorce (hasn't moved out, hasn't filed for separation, only decided our marriage doesn't deserve the work). I and my therapist think it's just his way of dealing with the guilt. Our marriage wasn't good, but it was never bad, all of his needs (except for me to be 110 pounds again) have been met. He feels we haven't accomplished ourselves individually while being together. Um, yeah, playing WoW almost every night after work for 3 years can leave one unaccomplished, I would say.

Anyway, we have a little one, I want to work on this because I feel DH is being a jerk, things can be fixed, and I don't want to give up easily for the little one's sake mostly. But, I don't know why I want to hold on with so much pain inside. I keep asking myself why I'm holding on, I'm not sure.

Anyway, I'm lonely. I am so freaking lonely. He and I have been "warring" for 3 months now. We were intimate 3-4 times in that mean time (ironically, not much less than normal, our sex life has always been lacking and that needed to be addressed.) But we don't touch, we don't hug, we don't hold. He sleeps on the couch because I don't want him in bed. I'm just lonely. Like, i've been emotionally eating again (gained every pound I lost exercising and dieting before this mess happened) and whatever, like nothing is filling my needs. How do you cope with loneliness in the detachment/limbo phase? At the beginning, i would approach him, and he'd shut me out. Now, I don't want to approach him anymore. I hate him for the pain I'm dealing with and for causing this trauma, not leaving, but not committing. He's a selfish jerk at this point and I just can't handle it well. He wants to be "nice" and pretend we're friends! WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. We're husband and wife going through **** and you're not man enough to leave or man enough to stay!

Anyway, my main question is, how do you deal with the loneliness? I just want someone to hold me al night or something. How do I get through this?

 

[Tony55]

Believe it or not, there is a way to connect, I don't know how realistic it is, but I've heard of people doing it. Join WoW, create a hot female avatar and start playing. Sound dumb? Think about it, you might actually get into it, which would pass the time, you'd make friends, which would help with loneliness, and, you may just bump into your hubby "in world" and rediscover each other. Read a little online about such husband-wife online gaming. It's just an idea.

Oh, and drop the word douche, if you're saying it here then you're probably saying it to husband, that can't possibly work in your favor. I've heard younger girls using that expression lately and it's particularly repulsive, I mean we are talking about a procedure to cleanse the vagina. ;-)

 

[ChknNoodleSoup]

I played wow with him before. He doesn't play it now because his EA took place of that. Right now, I'm on my own and he's busy being pissy.

 

[LearninAsWeGo]

Any guy playing a kids game has problems. You doing that too only puts more space between you. That's not good advice.

You guys aren't communicating, and that needs to be fixed. Counseling together is the key, but it doesn't work unless you are both going to put in effort. You can't talk all the time, though. Do stuff like playing board games, watching movies (mostly comedies, not so much romance/drama movies). On your own time, spend time with your kid, read affair books, hang with girlfriends (but only share with the ones you think will give good advice), and get into your hobbies (namely fitness to improve your self esteem, improve your attractiveness to you and him, and help you sleep better). Sex can't be forced, but try it sometimes... it will improve the communication and help you both sleep better. GL

 

[ladybird]

Any guy playing a kids game has problems.

I don't agree with this at all. My husband and many of our adult friends play video games (ie WoW) I play it also. I think that it is a problem if that is all they do!

 

[ChknNoodleSoup]

I don't agree with this at all. My husband and many of our adult friends play video games (ie WoW) I play it also. I think that it is a problem if that is all they do!

Yes. He had a problem regulating his play time, I wouldn't have minded a weekly raid but it was daily hours of playing without ever giving me attention. But this isn't even about wow! This is about us now being in limbo. Me being lonely and alone. I don't know what todo. Family is away and not understanding. I'm alone with baby all day and most night. I work from him and don't have help with him cuz we can't afford it! I just miss being loved! By anyone. You know? It sounds pathetic! I know! I've been so lonely in this marriage and now this! ;(

 

[ChknNoodleSoup]

Any guy playing a kids game has problems. You doing that too only puts more space between you. That's not good advice.

You guys aren't communicating, and that needs to be fixed. Counseling together is the key, but it doesn't work unless you are both going to put in effort. You can't talk all the time, though. Do stuff like playing board games, watching movies (mostly comedies, not so much romance/drama movies). On your own time, spend time with your kid, read affair books, hang with girlfriends (but only share with the ones you think will give good advice), and get into your hobbies (namely fitness to improve your self esteem, improve your attractiveness to you and him, and help you sleep better). Sex can't be forced, but try it sometimes... it will improve the communication and help you both sleep better. GL

I agree with a lot of your points. I've read several affair books, going to therapy, we went to CM twice. I just can't handle the now. My therapist wants me to live this experience as it may. Intellectually, sure! That makes sense. But man, I hurt. All the time! I can't keep doing this! I'm so dumb for thinking he'd never cheat on me and treat me this way! I should have saved money so I can at least move out now ;(

 

[caroaustini]

if you're saying it here then you're probably saying it to husband

 

[SadandAngry]

I'm going to say this too help you avoid making your situation a million times worse than it already is. You are extremely vulnerable right now, and a ripe target for a predator, so be very, very careful what you share with others, esp. men. You are starving for attention and affection that your husband needs to be giving you. Do not seek it from someone else. Do not accept it from someone else. Seek it from your husband. If everything fails, then divorce him. End it, but do not invest in someone new unless your marriage is officially over.

 

[ChknNoodleSoup]

I'm going to say this too help you avoid making your situation a million times worse than it already is. You are extremely vulnerable right now, and a ripe target for a predator, so be very, very careful what you share with others, esp. men. You are starving for attention and affection that your husband needs to be giving you. Do not seek it from someone else. Do not accept it from someone else. Seek it from your husband. If everything fails, then divorce him. End it, but do not invest in someone new unless your marriage is officially over.

Thanks! You're right. I will not cheat on him, I'm still married to him till we're divorced and as much as I want him to hurt as bad as I do, I can't do it. I won't cheat on him emotionally or physically. i'm not in a place to love another man or even just have a fling. I just want the last year erased, and for time to stop, while we go to therapy and fix things. Vs. this ridiculous drama. Thanks for letting me vent y'all. I cuddled my baby to sleep, then watched TV while having a beer and life is already a little more bearable.

 

[SadandAngry]

That's great, but remember this forum is full of stories about people who thought they would never, ever cheat. That they couldn't cheat. All it takes is to willfully ignore that one person edging over the line, because the attention feels so amazing.

You can control and change yourself, focus on that for now. So what are you doing about yourself?

 

[ChknNoodleSoup]

That's great, but remember this forum is full of stories about people who thought they would never, ever cheat. That they couldn't cheat. All it takes is to willfully ignore that one person edging over the line, because the attention feels so amazing.

You can control and change yourself, focus on that for now. So what are you doing about yourself?

That's good to know. I'm new here. I'm working from home while trying to get a full time. I'm working on detachment. Seeing a therapist biweekly to deal with my issues, read about 30 relationship books, praying again. Reached out to friends but regret this now. Focusing on my little guy and connecting with him. Just trying to rebuild. Need to start going back to the gym too. I was finally feeling good in that department and his EA ruined it all I'm open to R. I love the man he was. All we needed. Was some work. I hate the man he is now. I want to open up to him again and trust him and just enjoy his company, but that is so so hard when I don't feel he's trying at all.

 

[OnTheRocks]

I don't agree with this at all. My husband and many of our adult friends play video games (ie WoW) I play it also. I think that it is a problem if that is all they do!

Any adult making video games a significant part of their life, especially if it's to the detriment of other aspects of their life, needs to get a F'n life. Nobody should respect that, long term.