[honk]

My wife of twenty-one years just hit me with she"s having an affair, and doesnt know what to do. Wants both of us! Hah! I will not share her. She had what i thought was the first affair at year two, while she was away for work. She told me, and we went through concilling. I remember the guy saying is there anything else we should be discussing? Nope nothing! Now 18 years later shes having another affair, and she broke down to share a couple more since. One just before we were engaged and one during the engagement. She said if I knew the real her I would have ended it right then and there, and most likely I would have! Now we have over twenty years, with the death of our boy from cancer, and the other is 16. She continues to see fantasy boy(OM) but keeps dangling the carrot for me. She just keeps saying things like, You were all i ever dreamed of and still are, and now i know i cant have you, so I may as well keep the om. I dont want to hurt two guys, ive done enough damage already! What a piece of work!
Shes thrown everyone whos ever loved her under the bus, by calling them insulting names, and pushing blame to them. Even her Father, Mother brother, sister, and all of my family and friends. She went so far to blame our church,and pastor. Our small bible study group women have tried in vain to speek to her, but she tells anyone who will listen that not one person has reached out to her. What a liar! I have Never seen such behavoir from her.The look in her eyes are scarey! We dated on and off for 13 years before our marriage, so its not like we didnt know each other. At the beginning I remember many arguments about her lieing ways, her father to this day can"t tell you the truth, so she has lived this along time!
I just moved out into an appt. She has my daughter and has moved to a new home. She continues to try and push the om into everyones face,saying he a wonderful man! All the adults on both sides have said, they dont want to see or meet the man that broke up this marriage. I commended them for that!The only person who cant defend is my daughter, and i really feel for her.Her tears say it all, and that just busts me up! Wife claims no damage at all! Thats all I've ever heard from her was the fact her folks split when she was 15. To this day she bad mouths that decision, and claims such selfishness! Wife always loved getting up on her high horse to tell all offenders they were doing wrong, now just a short time later, its this!
I wonder if theres drugs goin on, but she claims no, that would make some sence of this mess. Just wondering if I am doing the right things? I talk with my daughther each day, and remind her that shes loved, and this has nothing to do with her, and to call if she needs anything! anytime! day or night!
Could i Please get some other insight. I truly need another view! She said last night that I deserve much better than her. Why is she putting herself down now? trying for symphaty? thanks for any help!

 

[Ovid]

I don't know if you really want to try and save this marriage. Personally I wouldn't.

It's counter intuitive but if you're intending to save the marriage or not you need to take the same action. File for divorce and start doing the 180.

If there's a chance to save the marriage this is the way to do it. If it can't be saved this will keep it from being dragged out.

Focus your attention on your daughter. Have only the legally required contact with your WW. Do not discus anything personal with your WW.

 

[costa200]

Well, you married a cheater, you forgiven a cheater after being married and now, imagine that, she is cheating again. You owe it to yourself to just forget this woman. Be there for your daughter and let the cheater cheat, because that OM will get his ass cheated on too.

 

[JCD]

Your daughter is old enough to decide what house she wants to live in. Make the adjustments so that she can come with you. Tell her she is always welcome and that this guy is a POS who is unknown.

You are already walking away. Why change course? Just take that walk with your (not so little) girl. If she's miserable, she should leave.

 

[Chris989]

My wife of twenty-one years just hit me with she"s having an affair, and doesnt know what to do. Wants both of us! Hah! I will not share her. She had what i thought was the first affair at year two, while she was away for work. She told me, and we went through concilling. I remember the guy saying is there anything else we should be discussing? Nope nothing! Now 18 years later shes having another affair, and she broke down to share a couple more since. One just before we were engaged and one during the engagement. She said if I knew the real her I would have ended it right then and there, and most likely I would have! Now we have over twenty years, with the death of our boy from cancer, and the other is 16. She continues to see fantasy boy(OM) but keeps dangling the carrot for me. She just keeps saying things like, You were all i ever dreamed of and still are, and now i know i cant have you, so I may as well keep the om. I dont want to hurt two guys, ive done enough damage already! What a piece of work!
Shes thrown everyone whos ever loved her under the bus, by calling them insulting names, and pushing blame to them. Even her Father, Mother brother, sister, and all of my family and friends. She went so far to blame our church,and pastor. Our small bible study group women have tried in vain to speek to her, but she tells anyone who will listen that not one person has reached out to her. What a liar! I have Never seen such behavoir from her.The look in her eyes are scarey! We dated on and off for 13 years before our marriage, so its not like we didnt know each other. At the beginning I remember many arguments about her lieing ways, her father to this day can"t tell you the truth, so she has lived this along time!
I just moved out into an appt. She has my daughter and has moved to a new home. She continues to try and push the om into everyones face,saying he a wonderful man! All the adults on both sides have said, they dont want to see or meet the man that broke up this marriage. I commended them for that!The only person who cant defend is my daughter, and i really feel for her.Her tears say it all, and that just busts me up! Wife claims no damage at all! Thats all I've ever heard from her was the fact her folks split when she was 15. To this day she bad mouths that decision, and claims such selfishness! Wife always loved getting up on her high horse to tell all offenders they were doing wrong, now just a short time later, its this!
I wonder if theres drugs goin on, but she claims no, that would make some sence of this mess. Just wondering if I am doing the right things? I talk with my daughther each day, and remind her that shes loved, and this has nothing to do with her, and to call if she needs anything! anytime! day or night!
Could i Please get some other insight. I truly need another view! She said last night that I deserve much better than her. Why is she putting herself down now? trying for symphaty? thanks for any help!

Divorce her. She's bad news. Carry on moving on with your life.

Before anyone else says it, get tested for STDs too.

You might not want to do this at this stage, but some might go so far as to DNA the daughter but I don't see that would realistically achieve anything.

Good luck. Our thoughts are with you.

 

[tom67]

Divorce her. She's bad news. Carry on moving on with your life.

Before anyone else says it, get tested for STDs too.

You might not want to do this at this stage, but some might go so far as to DNA the daughter but I don't see that would realistically achieve anything.

Good luck. Our thoughts are with you.

Move on and regain some dignity and sanity sounds like most everyone is in your corner good luck.

 

[ArmyofJuan]

You need to make it your goal to stay away from her. Do NOT get into any kind of discussion, just ignore her and only respond to important messages. If anything, make sure she knows you are not interested in an R and will file for a D. You will not, and can not, tolerate her cheating.

She is delusional and this will all implode on her one day. The best way to expedite that is to cut her out of your life and move to a D asap. I would not try to R with her, she has shown herself to be too self-absorbed to be a decent wife so let her go, it ain’t worth it.

 

[mahike]

Yep this has happened way to many times. Only communication should be about the kid and splitting things up. I am a big fan of saving the marriage but this one looks like humpty dumpty.

The STD check is no joke. I have read so much about A's being bare back. Remember what she did was selfish so why would she think about your health when doing another guy.

Get youself into IC and make sure you stay healthy and strong for your girl. She is going to have it rough as well.

 

[tom67]

Yep this has happened way to many times. Only communication should be about the kid and splitting things up. I am a big fan of saving the marriage but this one looks like humpty dumpty.

The STD check is no joke. I have read so much about A's being bare back. Remember what she did was selfish so why would she think about your health when doing another guy.

Get youself into IC and make sure you stay healthy and strong for your girl. She is going to have it rough as well.

It may not matter now but for her sake for future health reasons you should DNA the kid.

 

[warlock07]

make the choice for her. Dump her sorry ass!!! She had one lover at every point in the marriage. Yes, no man would like be with some one like her. She is that disgusting..

She said last night that I deserve much better than her.

There is not one man on earth that should deserve such a cheater as your wife. She is saying these words out of self pity and to manipulating you to show sympathy for her..(Men immediately get into protective and giving mode when they see their woman in pain)


Who is this OM ?

 

[the guy]

My biggest concern would be for my daughter and the enviorment your wife is putting her in.

So besides all the OM that may be coming and going, I would at least do a back round check on your wifes main guy......at least for your daughters safety.

There are alot of sick guys that love dating mothers with a 16 year old daughter.

Even though your mariage my be shot, you still have to take into account what your wife is doing and with whom....again for your daughters sake.

Hiring a PI might be best for your daughter with regards to what her living conditions are. The information may lead you to gaining ful custody.

Your wife sounds like a great manipulator, and you daughter could very well be under her spell.

 

[the guy]

Its time to be a few step ahead of your wife, instead of a few steps behind her.
Get a lawyer and investigate whats really going on with your wife.

 

[carmen ohio]

My wife of twenty-one years just hit me with she"s having an affair, and doesnt know what to do. Wants both of us! Hah! I will not share her. She had what i thought was the first affair at year two, while she was away for work. She told me, and we went through concilling. I remember the guy saying is there anything else we should be discussing? Nope nothing! Now 18 years later shes having another affair, and she broke down to share a couple more since. One just before we were engaged and one during the engagement. She said if I knew the real her I would have ended it right then and there, and most likely I would have! Now we have over twenty years, with the death of our boy from cancer, and the other is 16. She continues to see fantasy boy(OM) but keeps dangling the carrot for me. She just keeps saying things like, You were all i ever dreamed of and still are, and now i know i cant have you, so I may as well keep the om. I dont want to hurt two guys, ive done enough damage already! What a piece of work!
Shes thrown everyone whos ever loved her under the bus, by calling them insulting names, and pushing blame to them. Even her Father, Mother brother, sister, and all of my family and friends. She went so far to blame our church,and pastor. Our small bible study group women have tried in vain to speek to her, but she tells anyone who will listen that not one person has reached out to her. What a liar! I have Never seen such behavoir from her.The look in her eyes are scarey! We dated on and off for 13 years before our marriage, so its not like we didnt know each other. At the beginning I remember many arguments about her lieing ways, her father to this day can"t tell you the truth, so she has lived this along time!
I just moved out into an appt. She has my daughter and has moved to a new home. She continues to try and push the om into everyones face,saying he a wonderful man! All the adults on both sides have said, they dont want to see or meet the man that broke up this marriage. I commended them for that!The only person who cant defend is my daughter, and i really feel for her.Her tears say it all, and that just busts me up! Wife claims no damage at all! Thats all I've ever heard from her was the fact her folks split when she was 15. To this day she bad mouths that decision, and claims such selfishness! Wife always loved getting up on her high horse to tell all offenders they were doing wrong, now just a short time later, its this!
I wonder if theres drugs goin on, but she claims no, that would make some sence of this mess. Just wondering if I am doing the right things? I talk with my daughther each day, and remind her that shes loved, and this has nothing to do with her, and to call if she needs anything! anytime! day or night!
Could i Please get some other insight. I truly need another view! She said last night that I deserve much better than her. Why is she putting herself down now? trying for symphaty? thanks for any help!

Dear honk,

You are another of the hundreds of the emotionally dependent, self-disrespecting men who have visited this site asking what to do after learning that your wife has had multiple affairs. I gather from your note that you are hoping against hope that someone here will give you the magic formula for how to save your marriage. Sorry to have to tell you this, honk, but magic doesn't exist.

You probably already know what you should do -- expose your wife, divorce her and get on with your life. Instead, if you're like most of the other guys here, all you can think about is how much she means to you (even though you obviously mean nothing to her), how much you still love her (even though by her words and actions she has demonstrated the opposite of love for you) and how you can reconcile with her (even though she has apparently already moved on with her life).

So, here's your choice: (1) grow a pair and divorce her as soon as possible or (2) crawl back to her and tell her that she can continue to do what she has been doing as long as she lets you stick around to watch.

I know what your going to say, you don't want her to continue to scr*w other guys -- in your own words, "I will not share her." Well, I've got news for you, honk -- you've been sharing her for much if not most of your marriage. What you don't seem to realize is that, by your words and actions, you have led her to believe that she can do what she wants with no risk of consequences (your statement, "She said if I knew the real her I would have ended it right then and there, and most likely I would have!" is particularly instructive in this regard). If you choose option 2, you will want to beg her to forgive you for all the things you have done wrong in your marriage, for not being more attentive to her needs and for driving her into the arms of other men. If you're lucky, she will forgive you (sort of) but will continue seeing other men. Your best strategy at that point will be to pretend not to notice and try to suck it up.

If you go with option 1, your next step is to contact a good divorce attorney and follow his advice. Your goals should be to get at least joint custody of your daughter and to minimize your financial loss (unfortunately, under the divorce laws of most states, you will suffer financially even though she is at fault). After that, you can begin to rebuild your life. There are many websites that can help you with this. Basically, you start with improving your health and fitness (which you should immediately start to do) and, as your self-respect begins to return, you move on to bigger things like improving your image with members of the opposite sex. This will take hard work and considerable time, and there will be much pain along the way. The good news, however, is that the pain will be a lot less than if you stay with your wife and the outcome will be a happier life.

Another benefit of option 1 is that maybe, just maybe, once your wife realizes that you really mean to divorce her, she will begin to realize the harm she has done to herself (not to you, because she really doesn't care about you) and ask you to give her another chance. You will probably be foolish to grant such a request but it will be emotionally and morally uplifting if it happens and, who knows, if she is ever truly remorseful maybe your marriage can still be saved. Please note, however, that the only way this could possibly happen is if your wife really believes you are prepared to divorce her and, given the skill of most women in reading men's emotions, this means you really have to intend to go through with it barring a miraculous change of attitude from your wife.

I'm betting you'll go for option 2 (based on all the many wussy statements highlighted above in your post) but am really hoping that you prove me wrong.

Apologies, honk, if you found this response unduly harsh but I think you needed to hear it from someone.

Best of luck.

 

[honk]

Well thanks for all the replys< they really do have an impact! I went this afternoon and payed for the D. I'm not doing this! Again! She musta text me 100 times today. I'm so sick of this drama already. You guys R right, she has had no respect for me or my health for the last year. Just her selfish sexual crap. Shes blamed evryone but herself. I have known this girl since 13 years old, and thats what makes it so hard i guess? Ive been there through her parents D and saw first hand what damage it does. Although it didnt stop her from pulling the same garbage.
I think the reason I didnt see this was, Our sex life was better than in our whole marriage. Better and more in the last year than all years combined! I now wonder if it was her sick way of cheating on us both?
Anyway Im going D and do hope for R, but thats just stupid! This has happened to many times! You guys are right! It happened when we were kids, and now its here again. Heck what do I have left20-25 years maybe? May as well make them happy ones! Ill keep moving forward! Thanks again,Honk

 

[honk]

Oh I forgot, its her boss, who happens to be a big shot at a Prison in NYS. Dep of Security.

 

[indiecat]

You can do better than her. Move on while there is still time to find a honest woman.

 

[Machiavelli]

I commend you on your decision to divorce. Don't back down. As any pastor or counselor can tell you, Christian women have been adulterating since before I Corinthians was written. But as we see in the Bible, with David and others, women are hypergamous and want to mate with the highest sexual status male they can get. Now that you're getting rid of your ball and chain, you need to stop looking at pedestalized women through the rose colored glasses of Churchianity. Dalrock is another excellent blog on the subject.

 

[the guy]

Expose this to the HR Dept.

Both of them need to face the consequences for tiring this family apart.

Is the boss married, expose this, go nuclear!!!!!

 

[Machiavelli]

Oh I forgot, its her boss, who happens to be a big shot at a Prison in NYS. Dep of Security.

Does his wife know? I'd out them to their agency.

 

[the guy]

Is it me or is it that law enforcement are the biggest dirt bags...maybe its an entitlement thing.

***********disclaimer****************

there are alot of good cops out there, but some just rub me the wrong way,