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Ok, quick background been married since 2007 and have a beautiful 16month old daughter who we both adore and love dearly however that seems to where it ends as far what my wife and i have in common at the moment.

Since the birth of our daughter, our own relationship has truly suffered. It seems that we have gotten to a point where we are just glorified room mates rather than husband and wife. We constantly argue and we dont really have much to say to each other when we are not.

From my side, i know i'm not perfect and i know i do plenty things wrong and havent always been the best husband but i try my best and i always try and take on board what i did wrong so i dont make the mistake again.

From my wife's sides its a little different, she feels can do no wrong or if she does will not own up to it or put it back on me. I have been accused of being selfish, inconsiderate and thoughtless. Which is proably true at times but i can assure you that its not intentional. My wife will go out of her way to prove point and so much so knowingly ignore to do something i.e. leave a towel on the floor just so she bring it up later in a fight and say that i just dont seem to care about anything. I personally when i see soemthing that needs picking up, i dont care who left it there i just simply take it and put it away and think nothing more of it. She seems carry a mental list of all my faults or mistakes and waits for an opporrtunity to pounce and bring it up usually in a fight we have.

We had a long chat some months ago about how we are not happy and that she has been disappointed with my behaviour towards her. Now when i talk about behaviour i am not talking about being nasty, rude or agressive i mean affectionate or caring about her or being aware how her day was etc. Thats fine and yes there are times when i am not at my best and have made an effort to be more attentive and affectionate, i even now schedule her appointments or events in my calander so i know what she has been up to so at the end of the day i ask about it. From her side there is nothing, no change. There is zero affection, i cant remember the last time she just came up to me gave me a kiss or a hug or even told me she love me. I've been doing it regualry even before we had our chat. I said to her today before work that i loved her and she just simply said bye. She saw the disappointment on my face and asked what was wrong and i told her it would be nice every now and then to hear back from you that you love me. I dont expect it always but is nice to hear from time to time. After that i got a very insincere "i love you" as if she was pulling teeth to get it out. Yet she found a way to be mad with me because i commented about.

She told me in that chat of our that i needed to earn back her affection and faith in her but isnt it a two way street? Doesnt she also need to prove it back to me?

I know that this arose after the birth of our child and that post natal depression may be at play but we have discussed it and she said she would see a doc but didnt and when i asked when she would she just got angry with me. I understand the affects of depression and can have an impact but i dont know anymore because she is kind, affectionate and loving to our daughter and other family members. However, when it comes to me its completely different and I just dont know anymore, its just seems that our marriage is just a joke at the moment and no matter what i do will never be good enough.

Any advice would appreciated, thanks in advance......

p.s. sorry that its so long, i'm not sure of proper forum etiquette here and whether i should be more compact but i just needed to get it all out and hopefully get some much needed advice
 

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I have seen a lot Longer posts. I feel your pain my wife has been emotionally distant for the past ten years. I wish I had some advice for you, but right now I'm kinda at a loss.
 

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What else has changed since the baby came? Did she stop working? Schools? Did you move? Sometime too many changes can make us feel like we lost our personalities.

Has she changed dramatically? Maybe you can call her ObGYN and tell them your concerns. It's not a HIPPA violation because you are sharing your concerns not asking them for personal information. They can better help you acess if it is postpartum depression.
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No, infact we have been very stable. She's tall at the same job. We haven't moved. She has though in the past year had two operations one to have her gallbladder removed and because she broke her elbow. She has had some bad luck with those two things but I have been very supportive over both situations or at least I think I have. Taken care of all the bills plus the unexpected ones from the hospitals even though I always do them. She got very frustrated during those times because she was limited to what she can do but they were only temporary. She has fully recovered from both. I remember when she went for her follow up appointment for her elbow was angry at me for calling her straight away afterwards but I was at work in meetings all day so I called as soon as I could. I always feel like I'm on egg shells with her.

What else has changed since the baby came? Did she stop working? Schools? Did you move? Sometime too many changes can make us feel like we lost our personalities.

Has she changed dramatically? Maybe you can call her ObGYN and tell them your concerns. It's not a HIPPA violation because you are sharing your concerns not asking them for personal information. They can better help you acess if it is postpartum depression.
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No, infact we have been very stable. She's tall at the same job. We haven't moved. She has though in the past year had two operations one to have her gallbladder removed and because she broke her elbow. She has had some bad luck with those two things but I have been very supportive over both situations or at least I think I have. Taken care of all the bills plus the unexpected ones from the hospitals even though I always do them. She got very frustrated during those times because she was limited to what she can do but they were only temporary. She has fully recovered from both. I remember when she went for her follow up appointment for her elbow was angry at me for calling her straight away afterwards but I was at work in meetings all day so I called as soon as I could. I always feel like I'm on egg shells with her.




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This sounds a bit like us after our first kid (now kid is 4). Some MC and books like 5LL and His Needs/Her Needs should help a great deal. It did for us and I feel more closely connected now than ever before. Kids---they do this to you!
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Ok, quick background been married since 2007 and have a beautiful 16month old daughter who we both adore and love dearly however that seems to where it ends as far what my wife and i have in common at the moment.

Since the birth of our daughter, our own relationship has truly suffered. It seems that we have gotten to a point where we are just glorified room mates rather than husband and wife. We constantly argue and we dont really have much to say to each other when we are not.

From my side, i know i'm not perfect and i know i do plenty things wrong and havent always been the best husband but i try my best and i always try and take on board what i did wrong so i dont make the mistake again.

From my wife's sides its a little different, she feels can do no wrong or if she does will not own up to it or put it back on me. I have been accused of being selfish, inconsiderate and thoughtless. Which is proably true at times but i can assure you that its not intentional. My wife will go out of her way to prove point and so much so knowingly ignore to do something i.e. leave a towel on the floor just so she bring it up later in a fight and say that i just dont seem to care about anything. I personally when i see soemthing that needs picking up, i dont care who left it there i just simply take it and put it away and think nothing more of it. She seems carry a mental list of all my faults or mistakes and waits for an opporrtunity to pounce and bring it up usually in a fight we have.

We had a long chat some months ago about how we are not happy and that she has been disappointed with my behaviour towards her. Now when i talk about behaviour i am not talking about being nasty, rude or agressive i mean affectionate or caring about her or being aware how her day was etc. Thats fine and yes there are times when i am not at my best and have made an effort to be more attentive and affectionate, i even now schedule her appointments or events in my calander so i know what she has been up to so at the end of the day i ask about it. From her side there is nothing, no change. There is zero affection, i cant remember the last time she just came up to me gave me a kiss or a hug or even told me she love me. I've been doing it regualry even before we had our chat. I said to her today before work that i loved her and she just simply said bye. She saw the disappointment on my face and asked what was wrong and i told her it would be nice every now and then to hear back from you that you love me. I dont expect it always but is nice to hear from time to time. After that i got a very insincere "i love you" as if she was pulling teeth to get it out. Yet she found a way to be mad with me because i commented about.

She told me in that chat of our that i needed to earn back her affection and faith in her but isnt it a two way street? Doesnt she also need to prove it back to me?

I know that this arose after the birth of our child and that post natal depression may be at play but we have discussed it and she said she would see a doc but didnt and when i asked when she would she just got angry with me. I understand the affects of depression and can have an impact but i dont know anymore because she is kind, affectionate and loving to our daughter and other family members. However, when it comes to me its completely different and I just dont know anymore, its just seems that our marriage is just a joke at the moment and no matter what i do will never be good enough.

Any advice would appreciated, thanks in advance......

p.s. sorry that its so long, i'm not sure of proper forum etiquette here and whether i should be more compact but i just needed to get it all out and hopefully get some much needed advice
Two things stand out to me.

First, your behavior. You admit that you haven't always been at your best. Sometimes, after a long time being like that, a wife can reach the point of no return. If you have been like this for 6 years, and she's pointed this out to you, and you haven't made sufficient progress fixing it, it may be too late.

But if not, determine specifically what needs to change from HER perspective, change and point out the changes so you can then ask why she isn't responsive.

Second, if she thinks she has depression problems and refuses to see a doctor for it, there's nothing you can do but (a) live like this or (b) leave. Leaving must be an option since otherwise she won't change.
 

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What stands out to me is that you are willing to examine your own behavior, how it contributes to your relationship troubles, and then make adjustments, but she is not about to go to the same effort. She's going to beat you down.

My wife had a huge chip on her shoulder after the birth of our first child and she behaved exactly the way you describe. I wasn't a slacker husband either. By anyone's standards I went above and beyond in terms of baby care and taking care of her. I think she had an expectation that the world would magically change for her after giving birth? Maybe she was expecting a transcendent experience and was very let down instead? Did I not give her enough praise? Dunno. I do know that she is typically disappointed by everything and it doesn't matter how much effort I put into something - she will still fault me.

I think Mavash and some others here have some really great insights about that kind of attitude.
 

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This sounds a bit like us after our first kid (now kid is 4). Some MC and books like 5LL and His Needs/Her Needs should help a great deal. It did for us and I feel more closely connected now than ever before. Kids---they do this to you!
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You going to have to excuse my ignorance, 5LL?
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