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Im in the navy and have been married for 5 years, we have a 4 yo daughter. i want to divorce my wife because im not happy any more, and i dont think i ever really was. we got married before i enlisted, and she was always controlling and abusive, and very volitile and vindictive. i ignored all that back then though because there was good times and to be honest we got high together, but even then when we got together, she started putting herself at odds with my family for one crazy reason or another like she does with everyone in her life, but the reasons are things that no one else seems to no about or things she exaggerated or flat out made up and believes those things to be the truth. i know it sounds like im being accusing of her already, but this really is her doing, she pushed me away with costant accusations, mental, verbal and physical abuse, and basically making every attemt to try and sabotage my other relationships with friends and family,unless they were somehow benefiting her, i.e. it was a good hook up for her to get drugs, or she needs something from them, but if they couldnt or wouldnt do what she wanted it was "f*** them, their POS blah blah, then if i dont agree, well then im a POS(im sure you can see where this pattern goes), it got to where basically me and her were just shut in and no one wants to be around us because everytime she is involved in anything there is always an "incident" where she starts an argument/fight or in some form or another makes everyone especially me uncomfortable, usually this would involve a nearly psychotic scene in public place or in front of a large group of people. eventually these outbursts became more directed at me when it was just the 2 of us, and would eventually manifest into me being verbally and physically abused because she "heard i f***ed so and so"(which i was totally devoted and faithful to herfor the first nearly 4 years of marriage) so, i joined the navy and we moved to VA had a baby and things were good...for a few months...once we got to VA she really had me all to herself, and would have the outbursts and accuse me of things etc, would make things up to try and get some kind of reverse confession out of me when i had done nothing wrong and there was nothing to confess. this went on for about 3 years. being on the ship i was in and out of port alot, then fianlly made a choice to try a spacial warfare program before going on deployment, i still had to get underway for about 4 months of the deployment though, while im away, she is spending every nickle i made(around$4000 a month), not paying any bills, is impossible to get in touch with, is dumping our daughter on whatever stranger would take her, having a very intimate relationship with a local scumbag(i read his facebook love letters to her), until he went to jail anyway. so my spec war request goes through and i come home. i keep to myself that i know what i know, and wait for her to have an outburst or drop one of her little passive aggressive remarks orwhat she thiks is a subliminal message, i was just so glad to be home i just let it all go, and never brought it up, not for a while any way. there was many outbursts while i was home for that 3 weeks before i had to go to training, including a very public incident at busch gardens where she exclaimed that she had just given oral sex to some one in a portopot, which was hard to disbelieve since while we were off fighting a random guy came up to my brother and who was with my daughter and asked if he could have his coat from the back of the stroller.
so i leave for training, fighting and accustaions hurled at me til i nearly get on the plane, and they continue for months while im away, and keep in mind she still isnt paying any bills and spending every nickle i make, finally i need some kind of money, and decide to open a side account and give myself about 600 a month($20 per day) for whatever i might need, a beer, can of dip, whatever...well she insists im a scumbag etc, i dont need any money blah blah,this goes on another couple months, til finally i couldnt take it. i opened a seperate bank acct, and decided i was going to take 1000-1500 a month, and go ahead and do what i wanted, she cleary had no sympathy for my situation, and i guess i had noe for hers(since i actually knew what hers was. im pretty sure a mother and 2yo can survive with 2000-2500 a month with no bills)being away from her the more i started to see who she was, and the less i felt obligated to her will. and the happier i became. eventually i ended up meeting a girl and one thing led to another(i guess i figured if i was being punished for a crime i might as well commit it) my traing continued for another year, so did her accusations and outbursts and abuse, but i wasnt physically there for her to get at(except for the transition from IL to FL, where she beat me up and still currently on probation for domestic assault) so i was really starting to see how poisonous she was. my traing continued for another year across several states, and i continued to live for me and got happier, i was achieving my goals and had peice of mind that i was providing for my family(or at least my daughter) well i finished my training, got the dream assignment, and brought her and my daughter here so we could be together as a family again, both of our mistakes forgotten, clean slate. she aggreed but that wasnt what happened, since her arrival its been like clock work, her outburts, verbal abuse, she wont hit me anymore because she knows ill call the cops, interferring with my job, controlling our money(all i buy is dip, pay my car payment/insurance and CC bills) she burns through everything else. now she is lashing out at our daughter, having wild screaming fits "if you get out of this f***ing bed again ill beat the f***ing s*** outta you" she screamed that in the face of a crying 4 year old. but the thing is the after she says and does this stuff, she acts like it didnt happen, and she has always done that, and for years i went along with it, but i cant any more. im miserable. im a different person. I really see how toxic and what abad person she is now. i know what i need to do, i guess im trying to do it with the least amount of damage to me and my daughter...any ideas? sorry for the vent. theres more in depth details if you want to know..
 

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If she's starting to turn the hate towards your daughter, you need to protect your baby. I know lots of men who have been single parents in the Navy. It's not easy but it's do-able. Have you tried going to marriage therapy?
 

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If she's starting to turn the hate towards your daughter, you need to protect your baby. I know lots of men who have been single parents in the Navy. It's not easy but it's do-able. Have you tried going to marriage therapy?
:iagree:

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An innocent child should not be subject to this kind of abuse so early on in life. Your daughter may be traumatized for the rest of her life. You need to step up and protect your daughter and get away from this toxic woman.
 

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Navy,
Here are your choices. I am active duty myself (Senior Chief on a DDG in Norfolk).

1. Do nothing. The abuse WILL continue and your daughter will grow up to abuse her children and will be attracted to scum bags because her self esteem is low.

2. Report this incident through the Navy to family advocacy. Your Chief can help you with this or you can send me a private message and I will help you. Your wife NEEDS SERIOUS TREATMENT and mental health evaluation. Something from her past is causing her to be a monster and for her benefit, she needs to know what it is.

3. Set firm boundaries with your wife regarding yourself and your daughter. Let her know that her abusive behavior WILL NOT BE TOLERATED toward you or your daughter. Set firm consequences in advance on what you will do if her behavior persists up to seeking a divorce. She has been arrested and convicted for DV. Child custody won't be a problem for you.

4. Carry a voice activated recorder on your person whenever she is around. This is to prevent false DV charges against you or at least give you evidence to have them dismissed if they should happen. Virginia is a mandatory arrest state meaning if the cops are called then someone is going to jail, period. Don't let it be you. Also, this will give you the evidence you need to have her declared an unfit parent in upcoming custody disputes.

5. Give your wife a time line to seek treatment for herself or inform her you will be getting a separation from her until she gets herself straight. BE PREPARED TO LEAVE YOUR WIFE AND SEEK A DIVORCE. You must do this for yourself and your daughter.

AND FOR GOODNESS SAKES, don't dip, smoke, or drink. Those behaviors are no good for sailors and only lead to your early demise. Be there for your daughter. The above behaviors don't relieve stress, are not cool, and only serve to end your life faster.

Any questions? Now get to work sailor.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
ALCON,

I have been to the chaplain, and he sees what is going on, and we tried going to a councelour through fleet family support, but once the woman heard that i had been with another woman(that was the first thing outta my wifes mouth) she basically stopped listening to me. which i know what i have done, but that honestly is not hwy she is the way she is, she has always been this way. she got into it with me again this weekend, and she always tries to belittle me or take me down a peg, but my achievements are to vast for her to tarnish, she tries to tell me im not a man because i didnt make it through the dive prep for EOD, but i reclassed to HM abd then went DMT and made it through dive school and went on to airborne, and am at a tier 1 command now. she on the other hand is an out of work hair dresser, with a handful of credits from a community college. i know im going to have to divorce her. im trying to find time to consult with an attorny, i dont want her to know though until i have actually filled out the paper work, i know shell take it out on my daughter and start filling her head with ****. she says things to her like i have another family in chicago(untrue) and i dont love her or her mother anymore, that kinda ****. and she yells at her, and i try to be the calm one, and she is like "you need to back me up!" and i just talk to my daughter calmly, because as a 3 year old, having 2 adults in your face screaming would be morte than a little scarey dont ya think?
 

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Alright doc listen up again,

Your wife is abusing both you and your daughter. It has to stop NOW.

The Norfolk NEX is open right now even during this weather. You need to go there and buy a voice activated recorder. I'll explain why in a bit. After purchasing said recorder:

1. Sit your wife down and explain to her that her verbal abuse of you and your daughter WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AND WILL STOP IMMEDIATELY. Inform her (and show her) the voice activated recorder. Let her know it will be on your person at all times and that all her interactions with you and your daughter will be recorded until further notice. If the abuse continues, you will inform her that you will be calling child protective services, NAVY family advocacy, the police, an attorney, and will be heading to the local Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court with your recording to obtain a restraining order. Let her know that she will be evicted from the home and WILL BE EXPECTED TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT WHILE GONE.

2. If you decide on D you will need the recorder as well. Here in VA, you must live separate and apart for a year before the D will be granted unless you are going for a fault based divorce. You don't have grounds, so a no fault is your only real option. With your W as nuts as she is you can expect false DV charges THE VERY SECOND she gets served with the papers. The recorder will help you refute those charges and if she's abusive will only help you at the first hearing where temporary exclusive use of the home and temporary child custody are determined.

3. Understand that if you file for D and end up with custody of your daughter, a family care plan will be needed as you will be a single parent. Failure to provide this may result in you being discharged from the military. Your daughter's well being, however, always comes before a job. The NAVY is a job, nothing more.

4. Understand that even though your W is a total POS, you may be paying her spousal support if you file for D since she is not working.

Remember, action is required NOW to protect yourself and your daughter. You are in this situation because you ALLOW the abuse to continue. Only a "get tough" approach ends abuse. Like any bully on the schoolyard, they leave you alone when you stand up to them. Your wife is a bully and needs to be dealt with accordingly.

If you fail to take the actions above, she can file false DV charges against you, get a restraining order, get custody of your daughter, make you pay spousal and child support (about 60% of your income), and make sure you get a poor settlement. Don't become a statistic, TAKE ACTION NOW!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
i did have relations with another woman. is this going to be an issue for me when it comes to my career? or getting custody?
 

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How long ago was the affair and does she have proof? Has she kept emails or text messages of you confirming it? But I think with her taking you back and staying with the marriage with the knowledge of the affair hinders that arguement. I'm pretty sure she would have to have concrete evidence that you did it. My husband is active duty and very recenetly cheated on me. Not that I threatened to contact his command but his senior chief has suspicions because the OW is active duty as well in their command and has been trying to get me into his office to talk to me. I in no way want to detroy my husband's career (even though he has hurt me beyond belief, I'm not vindictive) and this senior knows we are having problems but can't do anything to my husband to punish him without absolute evidence.
 

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Navy, I agree with all the excellent, step-by-step advice given to you by MarriedInVa. I would only add that you are describing the emotionally unstable and angry behavior associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- together with the intense selfishness that is characteristic of NPD (Narcissistic PD). If your W has strong traits of BPD and NPD, there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix her or make her happy. I therefore am mentioning these two disorders for only two reasons.

First, if your W has strong traits of BPD or NPD, marriage counseling will be a total waste of time. It won't make even a dent in her behavior until she has had at least several years of intense therapy in IC -- an event that is extremely unlikely. Teaching communication skills to a BPDer or NPDer -- as would occur in MC -- does not improve the marriage. Instead, it just teaches them how to be better manipulators because the underlying thought distortions and anger are still there.

Second, if you decide that your W has strong traits of BPD and NPD, there are free online resources you can readily draw upon right now. At BPDfamily.com, for example, you will find a forum called "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD." And there is a second forum called "Leaving a Borderline." At those two forums, there are hundreds of folks who have been down the same path and have lots of useful tips to share.

Indeed, I'm one of them. My exW is a BPDer whom I divorced five years ago. I therefore can attest that MarriedInVa is absolutely correct about your being in great danger of being arrested if you don't have recorded evidence of your W's tirades and temper tantrums. At the end of my 15 year marriage, my BPDer exW had me thrown into jail for three days for having "brutalized" her.

If your finances (or Navy resources) permit, I strongly suggest you see a psychologist for a visit or two -- by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your daughter are dealing with. Meanwhile, I also suggest you read about BPD and NPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. I provide a brief description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. KathyBatesel, a retired therapist, provides an excellent overview of NPD traits in her "JellyGator" article at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It.

If those two descriptions ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss them and point you to other good online resources. I'm sure Kathy would do so too. She's one of the most active members of this TAM forum. Take care, Navy.
 

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thats not the first time ive heard BPD before, that is definetly one of her issues, and she is all about manipulation. when we saw the Fleet Family councelor, she manipulated that woman in all of 10 seconds, and i was already done. im getting the papers together now for a D, its time. but she thinks everything is all good now, which is crazy, she has these episodes of what can only be described as insanity where she is ripping into me and now the baby, then its like she has forgotten the entire episode and acts like it never happened, meanwhile im still in miserable shock because of the things that were just said, and she actually asks me "whats wrong? are you ok? you seem miserable..." i guess she is thinking or expecting me to just forget it to. and im acting like i have, and going through the motions while i get my ducks in a row. is that wrong? if i dont go along like everything is fine it will be hell for me and the baby, but Ds take a while. is it wrong of me to tell her i still lover her etc...while im actually putting together a D package?
 

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She has these episodes of what can only be described as insanity where she is ripping into me and now the baby....
Navy, if she has strong BPD traits, what you are witnessing is NOT insanity. For insanity or "crazy" to occur, she would have to lose touch with physical reality, e.g., thinking that the TV newscaster is speaking to her personally. If she is a high functioning BPDer, she likely is not losing touch with physical reality. Rather, her perceptions are distorted only with respect to other peoples' intentions and motivations.

Hence, what you are describing probably is not insanity at all but, rather, black-white thinking -- a primitive defense mechanism that BPDers rely on heavily to avoid seeing too much of the reality of their failed interpersonal relationships. B-W thinking occurs because BPDers are too emotionally immature to be comfortable with ambiguities, uncertainties, and grey areas. They therefore categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and, in ten seconds, will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- based solely on an idle remark or minor infraction. I explain it more fully at the link I provided you above (my post in Maybe's thread).
Then its like she has forgotten the entire episode and acts like it never happened. Meanwhile im still in miserable shock....
Due to the B-W thinking -- also called "all-or-nothing thinking" -- a BPDer flips back and forth between loving you and hating you. These flips can occur in a few seconds. My BPDer exW, for example, would have a temper tantrum for several hours and then, in less than a minute, suddenly flip to wanting to go to bed with me. Yet, it would be several days before I would recover from the ugliness I had just witnessed.

Like you, I have to deal with all of my feelings nearly all the time because I don't lose touch with any of them entirely. BPDers, however, are so intolerant of experiencing their mixed feelings that they often "split off" sets of feelings, putting them out of reach of their conscious minds for hours or days at a time.
I guess she is thinking or expecting me to just forget it to. and im acting like i have, and going through the motions while i get my ducks in a row. is that wrong?
You would be a fool to do otherwise. Please follow the steps laid out by MarriedInVa.
Is it wrong of me to tell her i still love her etc...while im actually putting together a D package?
Most likely, you do still love her even though you no longer are "in love" with her. You therefore likely are being truthful. If not, I suggest you say, instead, that you feel confused and are having trouble knowing what to think. Certainly, that is true.
thats not the first time ive heard BPD before, that is definetly one of her issues
Where did you hear about her BPD issues before? From a professional? If so, what type? Again, I encourage you to follow the two links I provided above to see if the descriptions ring a bell. Most likely, they will ring many bells.
 

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i had heard it from a air force behavioral health tech, and i had researched it myself a little when it was suggested, i had thought for a long time that she was bi-polar, with the flipping back and forth. and its the same thing, one minute im the scum of the earth etc...the next she is talk9ing about having sex after the baby goes to bed, mean while like you said im still recovering from the ugliness. i will check out the links, and i am also following marriedinva's advice, im just waiting for the next "episode". i understand its not an actual detachment from reality, but she looks crazy when these episodes happen, storming around the house, slamming doors and cabinets, etc, screaming at the top of her lungs(which is terrible considering we live in military housing in a middle unit, next door to people i work with). i have told her before she needs mental help, and she has told me that she saw a therapist(a lie) and was put on prozac(another lie), and when i asked to see her prescription she blew up and i was again scum of the earth...
 

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i had thought for a long time that she was bi-polar, with the flipping back and forth. and its the same thing, one minute im the scum of the earth etc.
Actually, there are many strong differences between BPD and bipolar traits. The rapid flipping back and forth between loving and hating you, for example, is a BPD trait -- not a bipolar trait. If you are interested, earlier today I described 12 differences between the two disorders based on my experiences with my bipolar-1 foster son and BPDer exW. You can see that post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety-depression-relationships/59344-confused.html#post1175425
 

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Navy,
From the legal side of things; VA is a fault state but also has no fault divorce.

No fault divorces in VA take a year to complete. You must live separate and apart for a year. If you file now, you can start the process by going to the first hearing and asking for temporary exlcusive use of the home while the divorce proceeds, temporary custody of your daughter, and temporary child support. If she is made to leave the home, you may have to pay spousal support since she isn't working. You need to speak with an attorney before filing to make sure you understand what you are up against financially. It is hard for one person to afford two households.

Your affair with another woman won't be an issue. If you and your wife had sexual relations after she had knowledge of the affair, then under VA law, she "condoned" it and it cannot be used against you. Also, adultery in VA must be proven with clear and convincing evidence which unless there are witnesses, emails, texts, video, or photos of the event, she doesn't have a chance.

Your biggest problems are going to come from the domestic violence response system. When she is served D papers she is going to flip out and WILL call the cops to have you arrested for false DV charges. This is a tactic most women know about to get the man arrested, evicted on a restraining order, and take away the kids. You will also have to pay maximum support under the restraining order until the divorce process starts. They also know that once they have custody via the restraining order, the court will make that permanent and reduce you to an ATM. Don't think I'm right? The internet is LITTERED WITH STORIES OF MEN WHO HAVE LOST THEIR KIDS THIS WAY. If you are arrested, the Navy will take HER side and you will have no say so in what happens. You may go to Captain's Mast as a result of her false charges. That is why the recorder is so very important. You also need to tell your attorney about your wife's behavior so he/she can put the court on notice of the potential for false DV charges or a frivolous restrianing order.

Protect yourself shipmate. No one else will do that for you. Understand?
 

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roger. she is already on probation in VA for DV, but we now are in HI, she has told me she would beat herself up and call the cops and say it was me. ive been doing my research on D in HI, it seems that being here is blessing when it comes to getting a D, when i serve her the papers, shell have so many days to file a response with the court, if she doesnt(which i know her, and she probably wont) it becomes a no contest divorce by default. but then again, knowing her like i do, she make this as ugly as possible. she has no actua;l proof of adultry(witness,photo, etc...) anything she does have would just be circumstantial BS,and we have had sex many times since she found out what i did. i think that given her record of DV, and drug use(did i mention she is in a methadone program, oh yeah, theres that gem!)getting custody shouldnt really be an issue should it? for D in HI, all that is required is that i be a resident on the island for 3-6 consecutive months, and it doesnt matter what state you were married in.
 

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Ok, I thought you were in VA by the sounds of your earlier posts. Yes, her past will be the driving force behind you getting custody of your daughther. The next question is, do you have family in HI that can help you with your daughter once you are a single parent? You will have to have a dependency care certificate on file at work. Failure to produce can get you admin separated quickly.

Like I said, your A will not be an issue, especially if HI is a no fault state which I believe it is. Just remember, you have to be on the alert for false DV charges. I have seen this MANY times happen to fellow service members. Once you are an "abuser" you cannot shake that title and restraining orders stay on your record for LIFE, even after they are dissolved. Future employers will know you had a DV protective order taken out against you. It can also cause security clearance issues as well. Get the VR and take care of yourself. Sounds like this is open and shut but make sure you check your 6.
 

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ive started putting together my D package, but in the meantime she has gone back to acting like everything is great, and im going along with it, its almost got me rethinking getting a D, but then i realize this is what she does every time, and its only a matter of time, i can almost set my watch to it, until she blows up again. which im waiting for so i can get it recorded this time. After the last time, i wondedr if she is suspecting that im awaiting another incedent and am planning to leave her? or am i being the "care giver" or sucker actually and playing into her game?
 

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Navy, thanks for giving us an update. I'm glad to hear you are getting some respite -- albeit temporary -- from the temper tantrums. I also am glad to hear you've purchased a VAR to record her next tantrum. Very smart decision. If she has strong BPD traits, she likely sincerely believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. That makes BPDers very very convincing when the police are questioning them.
 

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well, its been almost two weeks since her last eruption, which means ive got about another week. is it wrong that im acting happy and all when im actually filling out D papers? i was thinking about that last night, almost feeling a little guilty, then i saw on her facebook what looks to be someone she was sleeping with while i was away, trying to initiate some kind of sex message thing, there was very clearly something going on between them, which doesnt bother me, im on my way out the door anyway, what bothers me is the she would viciously accuse and attack me for things that a barely circumstantial, meanwhile she is have message exchanges with this dude,(who by the way is another drug addict scum bag) i cant wait to get away from her. i took screen shots of there conversation and sent them to my phone, which i think i may have forgotten to delete the sent message from her phone, so that will be fun later...
 
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