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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I know these threads are a dime a dozen. In our relationship of 4, going on 5 years it's the same story.

I'm nearly 41 and have an extremely strong sex drive. I don't want it more than once a day. However some times I want it 2 or 3 days in a row, others maybe 3 days in a week with breaks in between. But I'd say in average I want it 3 days a week. If I go more than about 4 days I really start to feel it emotionally and physically.

She is 38 and probably wants it once every couple weeks tops. At about 3 weeks she probably feels the same symptoms I get at 4 days.

So a typical week is me pursuing her and her telling me no, she's not in the mood. This becomes day after day of rejection, which leads me to feelings of inadequacy, unattractiveness, etc.

For her she says she feels like no matter how much we have sex it will never be enough, in terms of quantity. She says she's been in relationships before where she gave in to sex for the purpose of her partner wanting sex and she doesn't want that.

So we're left with her wanting my drive to drop and me wanting hers to increase. She feels it isn't realistic to somehow increase her drive any more than I feel it's realistic to shut mine down.

She never complains about the balancing of domestic duties, or our work, or not being a team, kid stuff, etc. She feels that how we operate as a home isn't what's affecting her drive.

I'm just feeling lost and stuck in this status quo situation. Here I am the guy with the girl who essentially controls 100% of our sex life. Looking for constructive solutions.

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Speaking firsthand I know that constant rejection can **** with your mind pretty bad if you let it. Other than the sex part how is the rest of your marriage?


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It's a dilemma, for sure. The good news is that females (generally, most of my friends were this way) get a real urge for sex in their early 40's. I don't have any advice. I have the opposite problem!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Speaking firsthand I know that constant rejection can **** with your mind pretty bad if you let it. Other than the sex part how is the rest of your marriage?


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Other than sex everything else is on point. She's an amazing woman and I couldn't ask for a better life or parter.

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
100% is too high. Negotiate to 50%.
This has been my thinking. I've suggested if we keep it at once every 4 days then we're roughly in the middle. I've also suggested that it not be a hard rule but rather an average. Maybe one weekend we have sex all weekend and I might go the whole week being fine. She still always falls back on she can't make herself want it.

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@BuddyL33, many women have what's called "responsive desire" (whereas most men have spontaneous desire). They have to be primed by their mate in order to be receptive to sex.

My guess is that early on in the relationship, you had a lot more sex, right? This was because you were still trying to woo and romance her, and she was responsive to that. 4/5 years in, you've probably slacked off on the wooing bit. It happens.

You need to bring it back up and maintain it to stoke her responsive desire.

Here's an article to get you started: How to Trigger Her Responsive Desire & Get the Sex You Want

You may never get sex as much as you want, if you are truly HD and she is truly LD, but you'll be able to ramp up the frequency enough that you'll be happier with it.

Good luck!
 

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You may be able to ramp things up if romancing her works, but things may never reach the point where you are happy with the frequency of your sex life. These mismatch situations seldom work out well, and the only solution is to live with it, or divorce so you can (try to) find someone who is better matched. I took the latter route, so divorcing my ex was the best decision I ever made. My second wife is on my level sexually, and she is also far more compatible, so a double win. YMMV.
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
@BuddyL33, many women have what's called "responsive desire" (whereas most men have spontaneous desire). They have to be primed by their mate in order to be receptive to sex.

My guess is that early on in the relationship, you had a lot more sex, right? This was because you were still trying to woo and romance her, and she was responsive to that. 4/5 years in, you've probably slacked off on the wooing bit. It happens.

You need to bring it back up and maintain it to stoke her responsive desire.

Here's an article to get you started: How to Trigger Her Responsive Desire & Get the Sex You Want

You may never get sex as much as you want, if you are truly HD and she is truly LD, but you'll be able to ramp up the frequency enough that you'll be happier with it.

Good luck!
I already do all that. That's how I've been since day 1. It's never changed or faltered.

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Are you willing to walk away over this or not? That will influence what your options are.
I think at this stage walking away is premature. I'd rather work on fixing the issue vs throwing all the other great stuff away, you know, baby with the bathwater sort of thing.

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@BuddyL33, many women have what's called "responsive desire" (whereas most men have spontaneous desire). They have to be primed by their mate in order to be receptive to sex.

My guess is that early on in the relationship, you had a lot more sex, right? This was because you were still trying to woo and romance her, and she was responsive to that. 4/5 years in, you've probably slacked off on the wooing bit. It happens.

You need to bring it back up and maintain it to stoke her responsive desire.

Here's an article to get you started: How to Trigger Her Responsive Desire & Get the Sex You Want

You may never get sex as much as you want, if you are truly HD and she is truly LD, but you'll be able to ramp up the frequency enough that you'll be happier with it.

Good luck!
Stroke her Responsive Desire?

I have been fervently looking for that 'R' spot for 55 years, at 100 mph.

It must be 'awful' small as I cannot find it.
And it must move around a lot.

Kinda like one of those worms that get under your skin. You can see em' movin' ! :grin2:
 
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This has been my thinking. I've suggested if we keep it at once every 4 days then we're roughly in the middle. I've also suggested that it not be a hard rule but rather an average. Maybe one weekend we have sex all weekend and I might go the whole week being fine. She still always falls back on she can't make herself want it.

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It seems like she doesn't understand how important sex is for you. And therefore she won't change until you convince her. I suppose there are many ways of communicating this. But people do change. They can get worse. But hopefully better. I've been with my LD spouse for 23yrs and it's a struggle, but she's the love of my life. She is making an effort to want it.
 

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Women love being perused until they are sick of it. They flip a switch and mostly it's based on annoyances or some sort of animosity being built up. It's ridiculous, and unless you talk and try to maintain a healthy sex life from the beginning, you'll start to take it for granted and then poof.

So, you only really have one option. She has to want you. How do women want men that they have sexually soured on? They need to know that her man is desired by other women and that he doesn't NEED her.

Do you hit the gym? If not, join one. Make time to go. Start doing your own thing, but not in an angry way, but in a disassociation way. When she feels you peeling away, she will either be happy (then, you've learned something) or try to reel you back in. Don't get angry, don't make it about sex. Just say you are working on yourself and you want to be happy.
 

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It seems like she doesn't understand how important sex is for you. And therefore she won't change until you convince her. I suppose there are many ways of communicating this. But people do change. They can get worse. But hopefully better. I've been with my LD spouse for 23yrs and it's a struggle, but she's the love of my life. She is making an effort to want it.
See, this is bogus. OF COURSE she knows. All women know. Women know men want to sex sex sex. It would be ridiculous for him NOT to want it, which is really the only way to go...
 

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See, this is bogus. OF COURSE she knows. All women know. Women know men want to sex sex sex. It would be ridiculous for him NOT to want it, which is really the only way to go...
Why not men want to (sex)^2 or (sex)^0.5? She's not really sure.
 

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I already do all that. That's how I've been since day 1. It's never changed or faltered.
Then your only option for having a satisfying sex life is to divorce and seek another partner. Period. Full stop.
I agree. I don't think anything is going to change this. This is your life. Unless you change partner. If you don't, I bet you will be in this same position 5 years down the road. But older.
 
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