Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 778 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,506 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Will try to make it short as possible.

Married 14 years, dated 5 years. 2 boys 12 and 8.

My vice was online gaming. At the end I pretty much ate at the computer. I know I ****ed up. It was eating my wife and she snapped and she had an affair and now is leaving me.

Some extra back story.

After my first child was 1 years old I caught her intending on meeting someone she spoke with online. She never did it and we went to half ass Counseling. End result over time it was swept under the rug.

Years later ( about 6 years ago )I caught her emailing her old boyfriend she broke up with to be with me. He was a drug addict and had some other issues. End result he seems he cleaned himself up and is now a counselor in another state. She admitted she was fishing to hook up. I got pissed and she told me she was going to a counselor, I went with her.

It was one of the best things we did. The counselor is good and on point. My friends puts it best when he says it seemed as if we came out of that issue stronger. I really felt the same way.

Unfortunately I ended up becoming more of a third son then a husband. I work 44 hours a week and put in about 35 to 40 hours OT a month. My wife works part time and deals with the rest. Taking the kids to school, picking them up, cooking, ETC..

End result she meet someone in June who basically expressed and interest and she accepted to talk to him via phone and text message. Since June they meet twice and had sex.

We tried Counseling since October. Unfortunately she had second phone to talk to him and when I caught her with that, she agreed at a Counseling session to toss the phone away and not to talk to him again, she also expressed this to him by calling him up during our session. I come to discover that about 2 days later she reached out to him again and has been in contact with him since then.

I know she has problem communicating from the last incident. And I admittingly have or had a short fuse and flew off the handle too fast. So she couldn't tell me to get off the computer and acted out this way. She admits she is 1000% wrong for what she did.

Her simple comment is she does not love me anymore.

What also is killing me is this guy is calling her and texting her when I am home. Even though I expressed how painful it is to me and also having the Counselor telling her that he or she should not be doing that, It still goes on.

On one hand I am trying to get the divorce papers done fast enough so she can get out and on the other hand I don't want her to go.

I know what she is doing now is really crappy, but I know the good person she is as well.

I cry at work, I go home and cry in private. I pretty much just about begged her to reconsider.

I'm just having a hard time coping with this. I know it will get better and I understand it will take time, but I just love her to death and we have been so much together.

I stood at my door this morning and just listened to the silence in the house and it just hit me that its going to be just like that every morning and evening I come home when she is gone with the kids. It really hard to handle.

I would do anything to fix this and keep my family together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,642 Posts
It takes two to make a marriage, and one to end it.

She chose to end it by cheating.

She says she doesn't love you.

She hasn't filed for divorce, and has become a cake-eater extraordinaire. You pay the bills, she screws around. That's why she hasn't filed for D.

She has been fishing for attention from other men throughout your marriage.

She is not a good person. She is being a lousy wife and mother. The "good person" is an idealistic image you have created in your mind. Her actions are showing who she really is.

It sounds like you would reconcile if she was willing. In order for that to happen, you need to kill the affair. That means exposing it to her friends and family, and if the other man is married, tell his wife.

Sorry you are here. Others will be along with good advice.

Be strong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
Im sorry you are here but glad that you found us because there is some amazing advice to be given here.

It seems like she has been fishing your entire relationship.

I will tell you the best thing you can do is not beg, not show her you even care. Cut off all her finances. Im evil but if that ******* called my house while I was home I'd break the damn phone while he was on it. Make sure you cut off her money before you do that so she cant buy another one. Let him buy it for her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
So what image of your wife do you want to focus on.

The woman who has constantly been screwing around.

or

The woman who says she'll stop in counseling sessions.

The woman you think is your wife isn't the living breathing woman sitting next to you at night. You have an incorrect perception of her wants, motives, desires and dreams.

She has used counseling as a tool to keep you from leaving. You're a great meal ticket.

Have you been a great husband...not necessarily but don't mix the two. Her cheating is it's own issues. Get a divorce ASAP, take some time to learn yourself and learn what value you bring. Get over your computer addiction (that's what it is). Some gaming is fine, but BALANCE. Find balance. Find other hobbies that are out in the air of outdoors.

Have a couple relationships where you can learn how to love and be a good partner again. Then find the love of your life.

PS after your divorce, you WILL meet someone. 95% of the time, that person is going to feel like the love of your life. She won't be. You're going to love her so much because this person will be everything your STBXW ISN'T.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
190 Posts
I'm sorry you are here...


Your wife is not the same person you fell in love with. She has changed, but you fail to see her for who she really is. She is a woman who's been cheating on you throughout your marriage.

Unfortunately, she is sexually and emotionally bonded to the OM. She is just biding her time (cake-eating) until the divorce. I think this maybe an exit affair.

My only advice to you is do a hard 180, kick her out of the house, separate all finances and cancel all joint credit cards. The sooner she realizes the hard facts the sooner she will snap out of her affair fog.

Unfortunately your wife has never experienced any tough consequences of her cheating. If this was done the first time, maybe you wouldn't be here today. Did you expose her cheating
to family and friends?

Counseling is futile as long as she is seeing and communicating with OM.

As long as she is living in the marital home demand no contact, otherwise she can move out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,262 Posts
Your wife does not see consequences for her actions. She is treating you like a doormat. Your WW and that POS OM are not afraid of you or what you may do. You may want to R with your wife but she needs to know that you will walk or better yet make her take a walk.

I would file for D right now. You do not have to go through with it but it will let her know that you are serious. You need to expose the A. Tell her parents and your parents and does that POS have a wife or a GF? Tell them and tell your friends. She will scream and yell and call you an SOB and she will never work things out with you. That is right out of the cheaters play book. You are shaken her out of this fog she is in. Right now everything is OK because you have not dumped her stuff on the street.

Tell her you want a NC letter right now and you are going to send it. She gives you all emails and passwords and you will be looking at her phone whenever you would like.

Did you get checked for STD’s you need to and make her go and give you the results. I would be a hundred to one she had unprotected sex with this guy and you have no idea where his junk has been already
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
430 Posts
You are seeing her in a "betrayal fog" right now...causes you to kinda glamorize her. It will fade if you decide to stay in the present conditions with her blatant disrespect and disregard. Your reality will hit but it will be prolonged pain and delayed healing with never-ending episodes of starting over. If you lay down your boundaries right now and show NO further tolerance of her behavior as painful as it will be for you, you will begin to heal after going through the stages of grief. You have to realize that what you are going through is temporary. If you release you truest feelings to her right now, she will have the upper hand, trample them and continue to hurt you in a false R. Many here have proven that a BS's decisive action and strong boundaries at the onset lead to a genuine R. She is in a fog of 'their' own and will either snap out of it or ride the karma bus. You are in the right place here at TAM and at this precise moment in time. I am a BS who found TAM two years later than I wish I had and made all the mistakes which I am surviving in today (rather than thriving).
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
The more you chase her the faster she will run. It's a fact that you are discovering. So stop chasing.

Also, because you are chasing her and begging, pleading, trying to make deals, going to counseling, etc you are telling her that what she is doing is okay. It's just something that she has a choice to do.

Yes, I know you flew off the handle. So you want to say that you don't approve. You're wrong. Words mean very little. Words that are said loudly or in anger mean even less. It's actions that count.

You need to face the fact that she's moving away. Do what LetDownNTX and the others have said. Let her go. She doesn't love you and it looks like she hasn't in a long, long, time. She has kept fishing for someone else and settled for you until she's found the 'right one'. She thinks she found him now.

Face it, even if she gets dumped by this guy she is going to keep fishing.

It's way past time for you to work on yourself. Read the 180 (click 180 on my sig), read the books others will recommend. Once you become grounded in yourself as a man of confidence, integrity, and secure in who you are, you will become attractive to her and to many, many other women who are looking for a man like that.

Look to the future. Learn from the past. Let her go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,506 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
Thanks for the responses.

ATM I am trying to be very civil because she agreed to a divorce which is favorable to me in the long run.

On top of this I am a Police Officer and she could really make some big trouble for me if things went sour. I don't want to jeopardize my job as well or get in some trouble with work. So I am sort of stuck at playing the nice guy. Unfortunately I have a multifamily home which my mother lives in. She could make it so bad that they would throw me out of my own home. I honestly don't have any place to go or afford to go. I would default on the mortgage by the end of the month if I had to rent an apartment.

I intended on spilling the beans once she signs the papers that are being drawn up.

As for as the computer goes. I haven't touched it since.

The Counselor as well tells me that my wife is making a mistake and that she will realize this once she moves out and has to pay her own bills and work full time. She also agrees that this relationship will fizzle out because of his possessive behavior.

Side story regarding OM. Last saturday she was at Counseling and he couldn't get a hold of her. He called the house phone pissed off and upset and was asking to talk to her. I hung up and called the Counselor to tell her what had just happen. Once she called him he played it off like all was cool. Which of course doesn't make sense. But she wants to believe what she wants to at this time.

I clearly understand I should have done more. Don't get me wrong we went out and such. I took care of my kids. But I understand I was over the top on the computer thing. And I understand she should have just talked to me about it instead of doing this.

I hear everything you all are saying and I admit I have a hard time trying to swallow it all. It just kills me that 20 years is down the tubs.

I know the only person that will suffer here are the kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,506 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
HAve you exposed the affair? Especially expose the OM?
One of her cousins knows about it and her brother.

The OM is 53 and never married and never had kids. From what I seen on facebook with my undercover account is that his family doesn't care. They are just happy he found true love.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
982 Posts
Thanks for the responses.

ATM I am trying to be very civil because she agreed to a divorce which is favorable to me in the long run.

On top of this I am a Police Officer and she could really make some big trouble for me if things went sour. I don't want to jeopardize my job as well or get in some trouble with work. So I am sort of stuck at playing the nice guy. Unfortunately I have a multifamily home which my mother lives in. She could make it so bad that they would throw me out of my own home. I honestly don't have any place to go or afford to go. I would default on the mortgage by the end of the month if I had to rent an apartment.

I intended on spilling the beans once she signs the papers that are being drawn up.

As for as the computer goes. I haven't touched it since.

The Counselor as well tells me that my wife is making a mistake and that she will realize this once she moves out and has to pay her own bills and work full time. She also agrees that this relationship will fizzle out because of his possessive behavior.

Side story regarding OM. Last saturday she was at Counseling and he couldn't get a hold of her. He called the house phone pissed off and upset and was asking to talk to her. I hung up and called the Counselor to tell her what had just happen. Once she called him he played it off like all was cool. Which of course doesn't make sense. But she wants to believe what she wants to at this time.

I clearly understand I should have done more. Don't get me wrong we went out and such. I took care of my kids. But I understand I was over the top on the computer thing. And I understand she should have just talked to me about it instead of doing this.

I hear everything you all are saying and I admit I have a hard time trying to swallow it all. It just kills me that 20 years is down the tubs.

I know the only person that will suffer here are the kids.
Ha ha ha ha :rofl:

Thats a good one, wait till she talks to her lawyer.

WWs for some reason always use the "Lets have an amicable divorce" or "Its my fault, you deserve better, I don't need much" and then you find out from her laywer she wants alimony, the house, stay on your health insurance until the end of 2016, half your 401k, half of any and all inheritance, etc.

You need to start protecting yourself. Don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth until you have a signed settlement. And don't fall for any mediation crap.

Have you retained a lawyer?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,506 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
I'm going to have to suck it up and just do the 180. My brother was telling me the same.

This just all threw me for a loop and caught me off guard.

But I agree with what everyone is saying. She doesn't care. I just need to be stronger I guess.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,506 Posts
Discussion Starter #14 (Edited)
Ha ha ha ha :rofl:

Thats a good one, wait till she talks to her lawyer.

WWs for some reason always use the "Lets have an amicable divorce" or "Its my fault, you deserve better, I don't need much" and then you find out from her laywer she wants alimony, the house, stay on your health insurance until the end of 2016, half your 401k, half of any and all inheritance, etc.

You need to start protecting yourself. Don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth until you have a signed settlement. And don't fall for any mediation crap.

Have you retained a lawyer?
Yes.

We honestly don't have anything but debt.

I will see when the paper work is done, what she does. I did tell her if we have to spend 50k or 60k for lawyers that I will want the full service and will fight for everything including the kids.

The one thing I can see is she does not want to drag the kids into this, which might be a blessing.

I put her through school and she has a dental Hygienist license. My lawyer basically says she doesn't touch my pension and we don't touch her license.

She didn't understand her license was worth something. Plus I'm letting her walk away from all the debt. So she will get child support and 45k from my defferred comp.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
Hardtohandle

I know this is of little or no comfort to you. But if you read the introductory post of the threads on just one page of this board you will discover that what you are going through is very common.

The age range for your wife is about right. The excuses vary; not enough attention, always working, too much attention, not working, overweight, it goes on and on.

They are all EXCUSES. Nothing but excuses. If you had never touched the computer during your marriage it would have been something as trivial as "you never, ever, not once, put the toilet seat down!"

And you would think back and say "you know. you're right! I'm scum. I wished I had put the toilet seat down. Damn me to hell!"

So you were on the computer while Mother Teresa tended to the ills of society - but forgot to tell you to get off the friggin' computer and put the toilet seat down.

It wasn't that. Not at all. She got restless. She got bored. She doubted her attractiveness (no matter if she was playboy material - she doubted it).

She's not into you. You can and will come out of this. She will awaken one morning and wonder why she did this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
If you had never touched the computer during your marriage it would have been something as trivial as "you never, ever, not once, put the toilet seat down!"

And you would think back and say "you know. you're right! I'm scum. I wished I had put the toilet seat down. Damn me to hell!"

So you were on the computer while Mother Teresa tended to the ills of society - but forgot to tell you to get off the friggin' computer and put the toilet seat down.

HAHAHA, isnt this the truth!! Thank goodness no tea this time! ;)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,506 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Hardtohandle

I know this is of little or no comfort to you. But if you read the introductory post of the threads on just one page of this board you will discover that what you are going through is very common.

The age range for your wife is about right. The excuses vary; not enough attention, always working, too much attention, not working, overweight, it goes on and on.

They are all EXCUSES. Nothing but excuses. If you had never touched the computer during your marriage it would have been something as trivial as "you never, ever, not once, put the toilet seat down!"

And you would think back and say "you know. you're right! I'm scum. I wished I had put the toilet seat down. Damn me to hell!"

So you were on the computer while Mother Teresa tended to the ills of society - but forgot to tell you to get off the friggin' computer and put the toilet seat down.

It wasn't that. Not at all. She got restless. She got bored. She doubted her attractiveness (no matter if she was playboy material - she doubted it).

She's not into you. You can and will come out of this. She will awaken one morning and wonder why she did this.
01/18/13

I truly hear and agree with what your saying. Unfortunately my feelings are crushing me. I just am having a hard time accepting she is leaving with my kids. I just love her and my kids so much.

I stood at my door one morning and heard nothing but silence and it hit me. That is how it is going to be everyday when I come home from work, excluding the times the kids might be there. The silence was deafening.

The paperwork for the divorce is done and I go see the lawyer today to review it. If its all good I can get her and get it signed.

It just kills me when I read stories where a spouse didn't love the other spouse but stuck it out and found they eventually did love that person. Or when cheating spouse hears about the fog and relates to it and uses to fix the marriage.

I just wish that could me.

I tell you I far from religious. I even made fun of people spending their time on church on sunday. Well go figure I found religion now. What I never did on sunday, I am now doing everyday. Praying my wife comes to her senses and doesn't leave.

what a fool I feel like.

With counseling and good friends for support and this site, I still am having a hard time coping with this. Mind you I cried through this whole posting. I'm just being honest.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,506 Posts
Discussion Starter #18 (Edited)
I understand I didn't give her the attention I should have.

She admits she messed up big time. I just wish we both could just understand our mistakes and move on from this as a family.

I have read about so many people who did this successfully. I just would like to be one of them myself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
987 Posts
Women love a strong man, not a weak man whom its very easy to manipulate and cuckold.

Change your strategy of being nice. become a real alpha male who dont give a **** about her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,506 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
I think and hope I have made it to the breaking point or over the hump.

Saturday our truck, which will be my wife's after the divorce got a flat tire. I have a bad back and was going for a MRI saturday to see what the heck is going on and fix it.

She wakes me up and tells me at 8 AM about the flat. I offer to drive her to work. On the way she tells me if I could call AAA to help change the tire. I kindly tell her, this is something you need to learn how to do, so when I'm not around you know what to do. Plus I have a doctors appointment to go to. She seems slightly miffed but doesn't complain, I can just tell.

When I pull over I tell her have a nice day, she exits and mutters something, she said "you too" but since she cannot look at me anymore it was hard to hear.

She gets home we call AAA I have her do it but she is not on the policy so I have to do the talking. I tell her lets go by the truck and hang out wait for this guy. We go to the truck and I talk a bit and I notice she is just looking out the window. Oddly enough my brother had a similar situation with his wife and expressed to me how his wife of 25 years just shut him out like he didn't exist anymore and wouldn't look at him either when interacting with him.

I tell my wife nothing to say ? she says I don't feel like talking, I really don't have anything to say.

I admit it got me upset and I told her to she could just go back to the house I could sit there by myself and deal with this. I told her 2 other times to leave before she left. I then got more pissed and went back to the house to tell her to do it herself.

Of course minutes later I cooled off and went to handle this.

Oddly enough I expressed to her Friday how she treats me like Cr.ap and acts as if I Cheated on her. Of course this didn't register.

It became very apparent and clear my wife is decent with me when she needs something but soon as its over I'm Mr pay no mind.

I get the whole she has a boyfriend and is in this "Fog", but I tell her wouldn't it benefit her just to be a bit nice, just in case she needs something from in the future. That I might just remember what a Douche.Bag she was treating me like and that I might not help.

I am so extremely amazed how much my wife fits into this whole infidelity fog thing.

Sadly Sunday I told myself I needed to put my feelings aside and grow up a bit ( even at 45 ). I started reflecting back on all she has done to me over the last 5 months and it got me mad for a first time and I wasn't trying to explain it away.

I gave her the divorce papers Friday early enough in the day and she still has not made any calls to a lawyer that I know of. I will ask her tomorrow night if she made any calls. I am going to guess she will say no.

I know she is in a tight situation when I am paying every bill and the bank account with 1,500 dollars is down to 500 in 2 weeks.

She is trying to find more work or full time work. ATM her work is like 5 hours a day but its not always steady work. Though she makes 42 an hour.

End result until she signs the divorce paperwork she will be in the house with me, which makes it a odd situation. I told her to ask her family, brother or boyfriend for 10k and that she can give it back after she gets the 45k from my Deferred Comp. But she won't or they don't have it.

I do zing her, telling her if her boyfriend "LOVED HER SO MUCH" he would come across with it. When we were dating I put my wife through school and I remind her of that.

So with all that being said if she signs the paper work I could be divorced in just about a month give or take a few days.

Sadly I think she realizes that even if she gets the 45k, she will run through it just trying to make ends meat even with my child support.

It's a shame that she couldn't just come to me when she was suppose to, instead of running away. All this is going to do is mess my kids up.

I do agree and have learned that me begging and pleading even drove her further away from me and annoyed her even more. Shame I just didn't listen to everyone earlier.

Sadly I love her even though I know she needs to go. Just before I didn't want her to go. I wanted her to wake up and understand. I even printed out something about this whole infidelity fog thing like a jackass thinking she would go " OMG, Your so right ! Please forgive me."

I just hate at the age of 45 and when I was just about to retire and move away with my family to spend the rest of my life fixing my marriage. That now I'm back to dating.

And yea I'm mad, annoyed and even jealous that my wife has someone and its not me.

End result now I am walking a fine line of trying to polite but stern she signs and gets out.
 
1 - 20 of 778 Posts
Top