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My husband is an alcoholic, he wont' admit it, but anyone who drinks as much as he does, as often as he does has to be. He is a nice person when he is drinking, fun, lively, attentive, caring. When he is sober, he is a jerk. He is cruel, cold and I really can't stand him. Together we went for our passports for a cruise we planned. We were excited, happy, the works. I changed the date for him, upgraded to a suite, all which I paid for. We are to leave next week but yesterday he told me he is not going, doesn't feel like it. Needless to say, I have lost the money I paid, all of it for his ticket. I plan to go anyhow as this was also our graduation gift to my daughter so she and I are going. I am so mad. He told me that we don't need sex anymore, never helps me with any work I do at the farm and I am feeling like what am I doing here. Any advice from anyone who has been in this position. We have been married 15 yrs.
 

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My father-in-law was an alcoholic and until he lost EVERYTHING and the family lost EVERYTHING and the courts FORCED him into AA he never changed. my mother-in-law said his arrest was the best thing that ever happened to him because he was forced to see the truth. Alcoholics are the hardest. Often it takes them crashing. It is hard on families. Offer to go with him to an AA meeting, it is very humbling. I wish you the best of luck.

draconis
 

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Usually with alcoholism, it's the other way around. The man is a complete jerk when he's drunk, and sweet/normal when he's sober. However, in your case, this sounds like a personality trait. When he's drinking, he probably feels more comfortable, more relaxed, and able to be himself (which is why he's more fun to be around). When he's sober though, he may be battling some emotional anxiety or issues, and takes them out on you.

The cruise situation indicates to me that there is something really bugging him- no man would turn down a free trip with the fam to have fun and hang out unless there is something under the surface that's really getting to him. Plus the fact that he's informed you that he doesn't need sex anymore- that's a red flag that something is wrong. And you need to make him open up and let you know whats bothering him. Whether that takes some one-on-one time, or counseling, AA meetings, etc, you need to fix this now. Don't wait and hope things will smooth out.

And make sure you approach him gently about this- sitting him down and interregating him will do no good. He will just get defensive and leave. Don't be the victim in the conversation- be the friend. He might be hurting inside and you may not even know it. Just go into it with an open mind and wanting to fix things- not to win an arguement.
 

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My heart aches for you in this situation. I went through having a stepfather who was very similar to this. Everyone thought he was the greatest guy at parties, but an absolute tyrant at home.

It may very well take him losing everything before he cleans up. He obviously needs professional help.

I like to suggest that women write their men a heartfelt letter explaining everything that's wrong and why it's wrong, putting it in the kindest terms possible without mincing words.

You don't deserve to be treated this way, but you did make a commitment to him when you were married.

If you can, I would suggest you seek help from Heavenly Father. Prayerfully meditate on the situation until you come up with a good plan of action.

Other than that, please keep us updated.
 

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Maybe the underlying cause of the mood switch is bi-polar disorder. I know of a lot of bi-polar people who drink because it levels them out and keeps them in somewhat of a comfortable state.

Bi-polar is hard, once they have been on the meds, they feel good so they think they don't need them. Then when they start to spiral out of control, they turn to drinking because of how it effects their system.
 
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