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I had a thread going in the considering separation area and everyone was telling me it sounded like an affair. I was angry that everyone was so negative ... They didnt know us. i hate them for eing right. As our separation started things just didnt seem to add up. I looked into the phone bill and found an incredible amount of texts and and call to and from one number starting about a year and a half ago. I pressed my wife and she admitted to there being this person. she said it was only emotional and that she would never do that to me (be physical with someone) but i still felt cheated. I also started obsessing. I looked at specific times. These texts and calls were going on when we were supposed to be together (birthdays, anniversaries, vacations) I felt so betrayed. Then i looked at a time when i knew she was sending pictures of herself to me, and the same number of pictures were sent to him. I pressed her about having sent nude pictures to him and she confessed. Then I asked again about the physical, she said if she was me she wouldnt want to know the answer... I said I didnt want to but I had to know how far it went. I had to hit bottom if we had a chance of rebuilding. My wife has become overall destructive in her life. I found a letter she wrote to herself over a year and a half ago talking about how sad she is. I truly believe she thinks she doesnt deserve good things and is acting is ways she believes will have them taken from her. She says she only started having sex with him in the last couple months. It is a guys that used to work for her company, low level, he knows she is married and has a son, but obviously doesnt care. I have found out who he is and what he looks like... a complete tool.

Now I am torn. I am filled with rage, saddness and confusion. All the while I am still the one taking care of our son every day. I am mad at myself for not saying anything soon. I saw the signs but i always trusted my wife completely and never in a million years thought this could happen. I treat her well, I take care of her. We love each other. I still over her and want our marriage to work. She has agreed to see a counselor, says she needs to to help her decide what she is going to do. Then she also says its not about him but wont end it until she talks to someone. When she comes home to be with our son i am fine and we are still affectionate (this came to light 9/17/-9/18/13) but when she leaves to stay at her sister's each night I lose it. I cant stop picturing them together. I want to obtain the texts and see what the pictures were. I want to find this guy and tell him to leave my family the F&@! alone. But I know I cant. I cant risk putting my relationship with my son in danger. Im so lost. I want to make it work, i love my wife. I just dont know if I'll ever be able to be intimate with her again and not picture her with this guy
 

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She is at her sister's. Her family is on my side. I have to walk a fine line between showing how hurt I am and also dealing with her depression. i have to also show her she is loved so she knows she can come home. I have not asked the question about whether or not they used a condom. Thats a hard one but one I have to ask anyway I know. I told her she has a time line to end it with this person before I take action.
 

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truly believe she thinks she doesnt deserve good things and is acting is ways she believes will have them taken from her.
All people live out their "personal truth". More about this later.

She says she only started having sex with him in the last couple months.
That may, or may not, be true. One thing all adulterers have in common.... they are all LIARS. Lying is the basis of adultery, and the father of it.

I just dont know if I'll ever be able to be intimate with her again and not picture her with this guy
One thing is for certain, you won't for a long time to come.

What you have to decide is this.....

If you were engaged to her today, and know what you know now, would you go through with the wedding ?

Then she also says its not about him but wont end it until she talks to someone.
What she says "not about him" is true. This is 100%, completely, totally, about HER.

The problem is that NOTHING she is doing here is about YOU or YOUR SON.

Actions, my friend, always speak far louder than words. Her "personal truth", therefore, is NOT that she "doesn't deserve", but rather that she DOES DESERVE, EVEN AT THE EXPENSE OF HER HUSBAND AND HER SON, toward whom she has a completely depraved indifference.

Is this is really the kind of person you want to be married to?

have not asked the question about whether or not they used a condom. Thats a hard one but one I have to ask anyway I know.
No, you don't. Whether they used a condom or not is irrelevant. Condoms can break, and bacteria and viruses can get around them even if they don't break.

You need to go have yourself tested for STDs, and inform her that there will be NO RELATIONS between you and her UNTIL she has had herself tested, and PROVEN that the affair between her and the POSOM is over.

have to walk a fine line between showing how hurt I am and also dealing with her depression.
Wrong again. Her "depression" is horsesh*t. What she needs to do is to get herself right, and get her concupiscent a$$ the hell at home and take care of her son.

She needs to FACE the pain and suffering she has caused her husband and do what is necessary to help him heal from the consequences of HER misdeeds.
 

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Actions, my friend, always speak far louder than words. Her "personal truth", therefore, is NOT that she "doesn't deserve", but rather that she DOES DESERVE, EVEN AT THE EXPENSE OF HER HUSBAND AND HER SON, toward whom she has a completely depraved indifference.

Is this is really the kind of person you want to be married to?
Yes she is the person I want to be married to. We made a vow, in good times and bad. In sickness and health. She is sick. This is a bad time. She is fighting a lot of things internally and these actions are not of the woman i have known and loved for 10 years
 

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I have to walk a fine line between showing how hurt I am and also dealing with her depression. .
You need to take care of yourself. See a lawyer, keep all the records you can, get some rest. See a Doctor and a councilor on your own to get your mind right.

You are your main priority for not only your son but mostly for yourself. Stop worrying about her depression and other problems. It is you who has to get your whits about you.

She cheated on you and it is not your fault, it is her guilt. The 180 will help, I would not expose her till you get yourself feeling good about yourself. It is time to set your priorities and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
 

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Do you know if O/M is married or has a girl friend? Is your wife his side project? It would help end the affair if there was someone on his end you could expose the relationship to.
 

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Yes she is the person I want to be married to. We made a vow, in good times and bad. In sickness and health. She is sick. This is a bad time. She is fighting a lot of things internally and these actions are not of the woman i have known and loved for 10 years
Keep reading on CWI and you'll quickly see that being easy on a wayward spouse NEVER results in what you think it would. It's obvious your intentions are good, but the attitude that you will tolerate anything and everything in order to stay married is going to enable her selfish behaviors.

Selfish, lying, sick people don't change because people are nice to them. They don't change because others try to "help them change." They may change if they suffer MAJOR consequences (major being divorce, loss of child, etc). The 180 and enforcing boundaries is the quickest route to your sanity and the survival of your marriage. Coddling will result in more and more and more pain and ultimately divorce. Look at endless threads of this happening here.

I myself am struggling to accept that I cannot control my wayward spouse or beg him into changing. I can only control my reaction to his behavior and the impact I allow it to have on me.

Hang in there C&N. You're not alone.
 

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He is not married, he is 26, a loser. my wife is 28, I am 31. I have actually considered going to his mother whom has the cell phone number I tracked listed in her name. Tell her how her son is trying to destroy my family. Yes he knows she's married with a young child
 

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As far as expose, she knows i know, she knows i know who he is. i have confided in her parents and i also believe they are going to intervene. SHe has agreed to go to counseling
 

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She is at her sister's. Her family is on my side. I have to walk a fine line between showing how hurt I am and also dealing with her depression. i have to also show her she is loved so she knows she can come home. I have not asked the question about whether or not they used a condom. Thats a hard one but one I have to ask anyway I know. I told her she has a time line to end it with this person before I take action.
With an affair, sorry to say but you should assume the worst, i.e. it's a lot worse than she's saying, and the sex was unprotected.

Depression is not an excuse for her having an affair on you. The affair is a choice she made. The depression may have made her more prone to being manipulated by the posOM.

Expose to the OMW. She deserves to know. Better yet, go with your wife and have her confess to OMW. Your wife needs to understand the consequences to her actions. This stuff seems counterintuitive. We want to "nice" the WS back into the marriage. It's better to expose the affair to break the allure and excitement. Then the BS needs to show the WS that the BS is willing to end the marriage. The WS has to see the damage they've done, and the BS is not going to tolerate it. The BS can live without the WS and without the marriage. There is no plan "B".
 

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Yes she is the person I want to be married to. We made a vow, in good times and bad. In sickness and health. She is sick. This is a bad time. She is fighting a lot of things internally and these actions are not of the woman i have known and loved for 10 years



C.a.N, I onestly think that you will be doing what you want to do and you keep little account of advice that we will give you......
The reason why I say this is because you do not see the facts thrown in your face, and would prefer to see things in a fake way cause the truth is to much for you. Seems that you will even try to justify it.
I understand the value you give to the family, I do not understand why are you trying to force this value to a person who is not sick, but only unfaithful

Please forgive me if I seem to harsh.... just cant stand certain things
 

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You're doing a number of things wrong in my opinion.

First, STOP making excuses for her. You're doing it wrong. There is NO excuse for cheating. There is no "but I was drunk, not thinking straight." There is no "I didn't feel loved." There is no "I was depressed."

Loyal people do not cheat, no matter the situation or excuse.

When dealing with a disloyal spouse who isn't sure about what they want, when they need to find themselves etc. You NEED to 180. Time and again it's been proven an effective process.

Here's the thing you're missing. In order to save a marriage, you must prepare to be single. It sounds counter intuitive, but it's effective.

You must expose the affair.

You should read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer.

If you don't work out, you need to. If you don't life weights, you should. These are things that most people should do regardless of the situation.

Others will talk about audio recorders and all that.

But what I just said is standard stuff that works.

Also, don't be surprised if there's more. A LOT more. Trickle truth is on page 1 of the cheaters handbook.

In a nutshell, you stop helping her financially that isn't a requirement for your kid(s). Stop talking, texting, anything that isn't for kids. You stop trying to "nice" her or "talk" her into things. You go dark.

You don't show weakness. You show strength. Being nice, logical, nothing will get you anywhere except back bone.

That's what it boils down to. Pull yourself up off the floor and stop being a doormat. All this manipulative cloak and dagger doesn't show strength. Don't go to his mom, his dog, his friend.

You should be direct.
 

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My story is very similar but still hoping no PA has happened. I have seen the pictures my wife has sent the OM andyou probably do not want to see your wife's texts. You wife had a PA and that should be enough.

My wife shows no remorse and does not want to work this out. I wish my wife would end her EA and want to be with me. I would do everything I can to work it out.

There are so many negative people on this site for good reason that say get a divorce. My opinion is if she is 100% remorsefull and be completely honest then you have to try and work things out. I am filing for divorce next week and hate every minute of it.
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She is sick. This is a bad time. She is fighting a lot of things internally
Yeah? I suppose Nidal Hasan was, too.

these actions are not of the woman i have known and loved for 10 years
Well, I can't say which woman you knew and loved for 10 years, but these actions ARE of the woman you know and love NOW.

Please don't take this "burden grievous to be borne" on yourself.

This is not a "sickness". It's a SIN.
This is not a "mental illness". It's a SELFISHNESS.
 

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Nobody here can help you while you bash the advice you are being given.

You go see a lawyer and file for D to wake her LYING, CHEATING butt up ! You can always not go through with it. Believe me, she will be singing a new tune when she is served with D papers !

You are being the classic "Nice Guy". YOU CANNOT STOP AFFAIRS THIS WAY !! She's cheating on you because she has no respect for you. You are a weak doormat in her eyes. You let her get away with OUTRAGEOUS behavior with absolutely NO CONSEQUENCES !!

If you truly want to save your marriage, you need to get tough with her big time.

BTW, you realize it takes a particularly selfish and cold hearted woman to be able to do this with such a young child.
 
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