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One of my smartest and most earnest friends passed away two days ago. He was one of my first guy friends, my first kiss... We have been friends since I was 12 and I'm now 25. So needless to say he had a huge impact on my life. When I think about how drastically my life would be different without ever knowing him, I can't even fathom.....

my FH and I live 6 hours away from home now, and aren't exactly the most well off couple in the world. We struggle month to month to make ends meet, even though we both work full time. However, I feel its very important to use some of my spare (not that its much but it is there) money to drive home for the funeral, and to spend time with some of my closest friends who have helped shape who I am today, and are in the deepest pain people can experience.

I fully expected him to support my decision. I wasn't expecting him to take time off work and come home with me, like a LOT of women would.. I simply just expected to be able to go. Myself. Say goodbye to one of my dearest friends and celebrate his life with those who love him most. But instead, I got screamed at. About how immature it is to waste money when we barely have any extra. How I need to put this family first (him. myself. our dog and cat.) He was talking to his mother about the potential trip home and she SIDED WITH HIM.

am I delusional? Am I really being selfish by feeling the NEED to go home and say my goodbyes? I lost my brother 6 months ago almost to the exact day. I can't keep losing people! I NEED TO SAY GOOD BYE! Is that crazy? If I'm wrong, by all means call me out.

But I don't feel I deserve to be screamed at over the need to grieve. I feel like I'm all alone all of a sudden. How does he not understand? He of all people should, he lost a father figure 2 years ago and STILL has nights where he falls apart over it. HOW DOES HE NOT GET IT?
 

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am I delusional? Am I really being selfish by feeling the NEED to go home and say my goodbyes?
But I don't feel I deserve to be screamed at over the need to grieve. HOW DOES HE NOT GET IT?
No you aren't being selfish. And yes the emotional need is justified.


He was one of my first guy friends, my first kiss...

We struggle month to month to make ends meet

About how immature it is to waste money when we barely have any extra.
The problem is he isn't looking at your situation emotionally like you are. He is looking at it logically. The question here is why doesn't he want you to go? Is it the financial reason or is he jealous of your emotional attachment towards your ex-BF?

If its the financial reason you could try to take money from friends/family to make your trip happen. It won't hurt your budget and will address his concerns.

If it is because he is jealous of your emotional attachment towards your ex-BF then you have to make a choice. Sacrifice your past for your future or risk the strain on your relationship and go. Its a tough one.

Is there a way you can grieve from home?
 

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The problem is he isn't looking at your situation emotionally like you are. He is looking at it logically. The question here is why doesn't he want you to go? Is it the financial reason or is he jealous of your emotional attachment towards your ex-BF?

If its the financial reason you could try to take money from friends/family to make your trip happen. It won't hurt your budget and will address his concerns.

If it is because he is jealous of your emotional attachment towards your ex-BF then you have to make a choice. Sacrifice your past for your future or risk the strain on your relationship and go. Its a tough one.

Is there a way you can grieve from home?
Nick was never a boyfriend. sure we shared an innocent kiss 10+ years ago... but FH doesn't even know that kiss happened, because sure its meaningful now that he's passed, in the grand scheme of things it was never important enough to come up. We all have pasts, its not like I kept it a secret.. It just wasn't ever the kind of thing that needed to be discussed.
 

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Nick was never a boyfriend. sure we shared an innocent kiss 10+ years ago... but FH doesn't even know that kiss happened, because sure its meaningful now that he's passed, in the grand scheme of things it was never important enough to come up. We all have pasts, its not like I kept it a secret.. It just wasn't ever the kind of thing that needed to be discussed.
If you were to come up with the money on your own, would your FH let you go?
 

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In all honesty, it is my money. Sure we share expenses, but I would only be using money that I earned through my job. I'm not asking him to help me in the trip.

I'm also not looking for permission. I know that sounds bad, but I just want him to respect my decision. I have to go, and unless it was a make-or-break this relationship type of situation, I'm not going to let him control this decision. If the situation were reversed, he would hate me for telling him not to go to a friends funeral
 

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In all honesty, it is my money. Sure we share expenses, but I would only be using money that I earned through my job. I'm not asking him to help me in the trip.

I'm also not looking for permission. I know that sounds bad, but I just want him to respect my decision. I have to go, and unless it was a make-or-break this relationship type of situation, I'm not going to let him control this decision. If the situation were reversed, he would hate me for telling him not to go to a friends funeral
I have missed cousin's funerals, family funerals, and all that b/c or work, money whatever. It is sad that this happened but, it isn't like you saw this guy everyday and were talking to him everyday. I am sorry but I really don't understand the current need. I lost a good friend to a car accident and he lives in town. I couldn't make it but I left a goodbye message on his facebook page.
 

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Your husband is acting illogically, but i wonder if the problem is if your husband feels this strongly about it because it was this man who died.

Would he have reasons to be jealous about him?
 

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Why is he telling his mother about this? And why is she taking sides? If money is tight the logical thing is to send flowers/card/message of some kind, but as my wife points out sometimes life isn't logical.
 

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Was this guy important enough to be invited to your wedding? If not, you should not spend the little money you have. I'm not sure what your current finances are, but it sounds like you would have to without something else if you go. I don't agree with "flying off the handle" but if it's going to be a hardship on your finances, you should really consider that. You can always visit his grave in the future when it's a planned expense.
 

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As an outsider looking in it would bother me that my wife would discuss this with my mother in law. This situation is between you two. Finally, I find it insensitive for him to scream at you at a difficult time .... never mind whether you have the money or not. His approach to your loss is inexcusable, that is my issue.
 

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I don't think you're wrong at all to want to go

I believe strongly in making an effort to attend the funeral of people who touch our lives. We owe it to the people they leave behind to show our love and support. My dad died 20+ years ago. People we didn't even know came to his funeral, standing room only. This comforted my mum and I enormously , that so many other people registered his passing. It is a good memory to this day.

It is easy to find excuses NOT to go because its never pleasant or convenient but I see it as a measure of who we are , this type of thing. A facebook message and other social media contact as happens these days, is too easy and maybe I'm old fashioned but so cheap compared to actually putting yourself out there

Work and family and distance do make for genuine reasons - if they can't be overcome, do make some personal contact with the bereaved.

And I'm sorry, 25 is just too young
 

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Although your H's reaction seems selfish and heartless, I tend to think that people have a logical reason for their reaction, and that that reason stems from something that happened between the two of you in the past.

So while I think you should go I also think you two have some unresolved issues and there's something in your relationship that justifies his reaction. He's just using this as a launching pad for his issues.
 

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You should go. IMHO your H is a jerk
 
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I guess it depends on how friendly you were.

I have "friends", people I grew up with and were close but would I travel 6 hours to their funeral? Probably not.

Your husband may view this as a trip to catch up with other friends, and if the budget doesn't allow for that I can see his point.

Put talking to his mother? WTF???
 

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Sounds to me like this was a high school friend. Not an ex boyfriend, not a relative. I have had uncles and aunts that I was close to pass away and I didn't make it back for their funerals due to work commitments, family commitments, and distance to travel.

I side with your husband. If finances are tough and this was a close friend, then send a heart felt message to his family explaining your feelings and apologizing for not being able to attend.
 

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I have missed the funerals of two people I loved very much (an uncle, an aunt) and it hurts, even years later. At the same time, I missed b/c of work and the $$ involved, logical reasons. The hard part is, I don't know if I am really just missing them, or if attending the funeral would have helped. Attending funerals of others I've loved seems to allow me to look back at the good times and to have the pain balanced by the loving memories. Not attending means I seem to be a bit stuck in the grief. It isn't debilitating, and I can work through it to get to the good memories--but it is still there.

I am a lot more concerned that your H is verbally abusive when he does not like something you want to do. This is a pretty big flag--and there is NO excuse for it. Sounds like the two of you need to do some counseling so he learns that it is a marriage-killer for him to do that. You can learn to accept rational advice without blaming him for it--when the advice is delivered rationally. Maybe you are digging in b/c he behaved so badly--but that is your emotional response to his emotional behavior, so you both have things to work on.

Good luck.
 
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