A few quick questions before we can advise you wisely on "when to expose":

Do you have evidence gathered? Are you prepared?

Before you expose the affair, it is wise to have sufficient evidence gathered so that you can solidly prove it's not just you being jealous or controlling. So for example, if you have copies of emails she sent to the OM, photos of them kissing, receipts from a hotel she paid for that says "Mr. and Mrs.", a recording of her saying she loves him and disparaging you...this is going to be the type of compelling evidence that will generally convince others.

Now bear in mind, we are not asking you TO CONVINCE THEM. Some (like perhaps her family) will not want to believe the worst of their girl, and if all you had to present was "He said...She said" I guarantee you she would be able to explain it away by blaming you somehow! (You are jealous and made this all up in your head and pooooooor her she has to put up with being with you!) But if you tell people the truth and follow it up with some compelling but not horrid evidence, then if nothing else they may not want to believe it but they'll know it's not just you making it up.

So #1, gather your evidence together and get it in order.

Then #2 is to get prepared for the exposure. It's usually a wise idea to have a few ducks in a row before you expose, because I guarantee you, she is going to be mad. Just keep envisioning a person addicted to cocaine. They would get mad too because you are trying to cut off their habit! They will fight tooth and nail, kick and scream, say the meanest, most hateful things...to get back to their habit. But you keep firmly in your mind that you are trying to do the best thing for her but TELLING THE TRUTH to those who would be affected.

You will want to tell people whose lives will be harmed by a divorce: parents, siblings, aunts-uncles-cousins...because they will be losing half their time with the kids if this affair continues. You will want to tell pro-marriage friends--anyone she looks up to and considers a mentor who will tell her to knock it off and go back to her family. You will probably want to tell those you consider spiritual leaders who will help you do the right thing and hold her accountable (but remember it's not your job to "make her pay"--it IS your job to allow her to feel the natural discomfort of the consequences of her choices). You MAY want to tell your boss if you think it is affecting your work performance and you have that kind of relationship with your boss. You MAY want to tell her boss if the affair is work related--not for gossip, but rather because if company time and assets are being used for unwanted sexual contact (YOU don't want it so it is unwanted) between a boss and subordinate or employee and client, their company is in danger of a sexual harassment lawsuit!

Also you'll probably want to have your own bank account and have your checks being deposited to your bank account before you expose. You'll want to have at least a copy of evidence that's secured in a vault at work, in a lockbox in the bank or something (because I guarantee you she will try to delete it). And finally you'll probably want to arrange to have the kids at a sitter or at least "looked after" the evening of the day you expose, so that you can deal with her and whatever she may do, rather than have your children hear your wife scream obscenities at you.

Otherwise, after you've gathered evidence, secured a copy, and gotten prepared, I say go ASAP. It's like pulling off a bandaid. Yank it and it's less painful.

 

There is no good time unfortunately. Best advice is to stick with the facts. The less opinion the less of the he said she said can happen. Its not your job to convince them you are right or wrong. You have an uphill battle given how long the two of you have been separated and the situation. Keep yourself composed, don’t breakdown and become emotional

She has had a head start most likely telling family and friends “her” version of what is going on. Some wont believe you on day one, some will already know. How long as she been seeing someone else? Did it start before or after the separation started?

Do not expect this as a magic cure to break a fog or snap her out of it. It may or may not have any effect on her. You are doing this so people will understand your reasons that the situation as it stands you can no longer live with or tolerate. She could very well file the day you expose, my stbx did just that. I exposed on a Sunday night, Monday afternoon she had papers filed and cleaned out every bank account she could. My stbx family have never said a word to me one way or another.

It drove mine deeper into her fog, I was trying to get the world against her or some such nonsense. She just quit talking to all our friends and started spinning the stories that get more elaborate as time goes on. People get sick of stories and the facts generally stand out over time.

 

If you go the divorce route, you need to investigate your wife and her boyfriend and do your best to get as much custody as possible.

Is the other man married?

 

Wow I hope Affaircare will be around when I need him. Awesome posts Affaircare. Thank God for men like you.

 

Isn't Affaircare a girl?

 

Mvnfwd, you were going to give us more detail via an update - it would help us understand the picture better.

 

You need to talk to an attorney about your moving out. According to some posters this can affect custody if this goes to divorce.

Warning, if your wife is cheating, she's lying. Believe nothing, zero, nada, that comes out of her mouth without verifying.

 

Why would she file for divorce??? She has a boy toy (or more) on one hand, and her Plan B husband who is doing "everything in my power to show my commitment to her and the family, as a Christian man." She has no real incentive to file for divorce unless she plans on getting serious with someone else or just gets sick of being married to you.

If you've been separated for 2 years, she doesn't want to reconcile, she's already ****ing someone else, you're occasionally invited to family dinners, etc then you're basically already divorced anyway.

What you've been doing obviously isn't working. And ignore what that pastor told you. You need to see a lawyer and start figuring out your options.

If you do wind up divorcing do it now while your kids are young and so they won't remember and don't have to grow up watching the train wreck that is your marriage. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and from what you say it's clear you're the only one invested in it.

What you've been doing (which is as close to outright enabling her behavior as you can get) has not been working, it's time to try something else.

 

You are doing your wife a grave disservice. How? You have -accidentally- allowed her to live a wicked and cruel lifestyle. You must stop this, now.

No more enabling behaviour.
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Gather your evidence: phone records and copies text messages from the cell carrier, e-mails between her and him, VAR recorder under the front seat of her car, or the best thing....go hire Magnum.

A P.I. can be well worth the money and provide you with solid evidence (pics, recordings, dates, times,ect.)

 

Gather your evidence: phone records and copies text messages from the cell carrier, e-mails between her and him, VAR recorder under the front seat of her car, or the best thing....go hire Magnum.

The superior male always carries a 1911.

 

Some info I had left out.

March 2012 is when she started becoming distant. With my suspicions rising I checked phone bill. She was texting talking seeing an ex boyfriend. He himself was living with girlfriend and has sense gotten married. She said he "knew" her better than anyone.

From the start it was a space thing. The more I tried to fix myself and the marriage the more she said I was pushing her away. I stopped accusing infidelity about a year ago to assume the best. We slept together one time early 2013. I slept in my daughters room trying to let her figure it out while being faithful to her and being the best husband/Dad I could be.

November 2013 is when I saw texts from a Co worker that were inappropriate. I moved out that day.

During the separation I've taken the kids most of the time I'm off work. As I said we get along great and deal with kids bills etc well.

Honestly she has changed very much for the better in the last 2 months. Kinda thought she was coming around. I have not so much as hugged my wife in months.

Then the bomb drops a couple days ago that she screwing another man.

I have not let on to any knowledge, just playing it cool figuring out what thebest move is now.

 

Then the bomb drops a couple days ago that she screwing another man.

I have not let on to any knowledge, just playing it cool figuring out what the best move is now.

When are going to quit rolling over and playing dead my man? Your acting like a stray cat hanging around hoping for a few scraps. You ain't trying to figure the next move. You're hoping for a miracle that somehow she'll straighten up and come to appreciate you for what you are and give up the bad boys she thinks are so sexy.
The problem is your weak and ironically not afraid to show it. Women at best feel sorry for a weak man. They don't appreciate them and find them a desirable partner. Maybe you should ask yourself why she felt the need to turn to another guy. (ya I know the affair(s) are her fault, blah, blah, blah. But you may want to ask, "why is she ally catting around when I'm such a great guy".

 

Phoenix I get what you're saying but it's a hard fence to walk between being as you say "weak" and being committed to my marriage and family holding true to my faith.

 

Faith schmaith....

Even JC would say you were being a milqeutoast. Gather the evidence, find that jar she's keeping your nads in and get moving.

Either stand up for your marriage or don't.

 

.....and quite honestly without the kids in the equation it would be over a long time ago.

 

Kids are stronger and more resilient than you think. They would much rather have a father who stands for something than a passive guy who goes through life thinking and vascillating about what move he's going to make next.

Faith requires belief + action. Have faith that calling her out on her adultery and exposing the truth is the right and Godly thing to do, then ACT on it. Gather evidence and when you have a clear case against her and him.... expose her to friends and family.

 

Christianity, and especially the US evangelical version, has strayed far from the teachings of the Bible with regards to marriage and sex. It's been a long process; ongoing since about 200 years after Christ. So, while it's true that your pastor is an idiot, he's no more so than most. Seminaries devote whole courses to explaining why the Bible means the opposite of what it says, so that it is more palatable to the majority of its members (women). This is one reason why men opt out of church.

Now, in your first post a couple years back, you said your wife was not a believer. Was that always the case?

Moving out was a big mistake for a myriad of reasons, but suffice to say that it makes reconciliation pretty much impossible and makes it very easy for the WW to get all the action she wants. This lowers your rank before your WW and that lessens any attraction she still my have that could be leveraged for reconciliation.

Since you are still somewhat hanging on the idea that Christianity requires a repair of the marriage, remember that the Biblical punishment for adultery was death (requiring witnesses). When the Romans took over Judea, they reserved the death penalty to themselves, at least legally, so there were no executions for adultery. This is why Jesus permitted divorce in the case of sexual sin (porneias), including adultery. Adultery is a fundamental rupture of the marriage contract. Also, Hebrew culture (despite what the typical Christian pastor will try to sell you) was polygynous; that's why men in the Bible have multiple wives, so there was a lot less at stake for a man if one of his wives went bad. Also, until about 1860, the children were the property of the father. There was no child support, because the woman didn't have the kids, and if a woman took the children away without the father's consent, that was kidnapping. See, the context is quite a bit different when you consider the Biblical facts.

Do you still want to reconcile or are you ready to divorce?

 

True she is not a believer and if I had the choice yes I would prefer reconciliation. One with full communication and commitment...I'm sure you'll all agree that it's extremely unlikely.

 

According to my Bible you can also divorce her for not being a Christian.. A lot of terms come to mind but not that one.

You seem to have the idea a lot of Christian men have. That in order to be a good Christian you have to go through life accepting everyone else's crap.

After "judge not lest ye be judged" the most often misunderstood quote in the Bible is "turn the other cheek."

Jesus didn't turn the other cheek. For example he got very angry at the Temple and bodily threw the money changers among others out of the temple.

The disciples were also armed. When Judas betrayed Jesus, Peter drew his sword and cut off one of the 'Guards ears. The only reason Jesus stopped him was that it was time for his mission on earth to end.

What you are doing is using your religion to hide behind. Time to stand up and be a man.

 

Adultery is cause for divorce according to the Bible, and even one of the 10 Commandments believe it or not. Add the fact that she is completely unremorseful/unrepentant. You're not the first to come here to justify his WW's cheating by using your faith, many have come here to rationalize being a doormat by claiming their faith demands it.

 

How did you find out she was sleeping with someone? You don't seem to want to tell us that.

 

Don't get me wrong I haven't been sitting around holding my breath...what I've realized is that any new "fling" started on my part now isn't truly what I want.

 

Nobody said anything about a fling. I just want to know if you're a fatass.

When you start down the usually Quixotic path of reconciliation from wifely adultery, it helps if you're the hottest guy around and women are constantly coming on to you. This whole thing is because your wife, for whatever reason, has lost her sexual attraction to you. Since it has happened so quickly in your marriage, this would indicate a promiscuous nature and it casts the paternity of your kids into question.

You 0.01% shot at reconciliation pretty much depends on you moving back in and demonstrating higher sexual value than the OM, pretty much constantly.

 

It will probably last long enough to ruin her marriage and then he will go back to his wife and kids.

 

I'm not a fat ass. Im in good shape attractive tall and have a career most find desirable. Found extremely inappropriate texts on her phone....

 

I'm not a fat ass. Im in good shape attractive tall and have a career most find desirable.

You sound a lot like me

Must be a horse wrangler too as I get hit on all the time so women find my occupation a desirable commodity too!!!

How you holding up with the thought of going it alone after D?

 

I agree that you should file and be done with her. Be strong for your kids.

Also, if you're worried about finding the information on her phone, know that as your wife (using that term loosely) she does not have a right to secrecy. Privacy sure, but those aren't the same things. Any communications she has should be viewable by you.

 

Have you told her AP's wife about the affair?

She deserves to know.

 

Re: Re: I'm at a loss on my next move....



I don't know who the POSOM is so no way of knowing his current circumstances but I bet he's married too. Seems to be the way of our culture/generation.

 

True she is not a believer and if I had the choice yes I would prefer reconciliation. One with full communication and commitment...I'm sure you'll all agree that it's extremely unlikely.

You have mentioned your dedication to your Christian faith a few times. You have not made her accountable (Eli?) but have been an enabler for years. In addition you want to reconcile with a non-believer which is contrary to your scriptures reprinted below

2 Corinthians 6:14
14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers:

You are very weak and are compromising and that reduces your self respect. You not only are not following your own spiritual principles but you are making the situation worse. You have allowed her actions for two years and not taken actions to help her, you, your children, or your self respect.

If you keep being weak you will become a door mat and you will have no respect for yourself. If that happens what good will you be to your children or anyone else?

 

Re: Re: I'm at a loss on my next move....



I agree. It was a mistake to marry a non believer.....I guess what I did fail to mention is that a reconciliation would have to be one that was centered around Christian values etc. She may or may not even be willing.

Yes this is definitely at the root of this whole situation.

 

Have you been injured in the line of duty? Just wondering why she should do what she is doing.

 

Re: Re: I'm at a loss on my next move....



No injury.

 

Gather intel and expose her. It works best when you have her served the D papers at work and her parents and friends all get the exposure email on the same day. It's called going nuclear. It works really well.
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The problem is Christians are people. And people kinda suck.