Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I told my husband I wanted a divorce back in June. We went days without speaking to each other, never did anything together & I didnt want to live like that anymore.He was very manipulative & controlling during our marriage. He became very nasty after that (I unstand he was hurt & upset). All the mean things he said I let go in one ear & out the other. He told our kid & neighbors I was having an affair (not true). Anyhow after months of waiting he has finally moved out. I painted all the rooms in his new place, cleaned, help move etc. Our son (16) decided to move in with him. This was a big surprise because our son always complained about what a jerk his dad was. I have not said anything about the things my husband has said or done to me to our son because I dont want him put in the middle of things. My husband keeps telling me son wants nothing to do with me, and comments on everythings I do negatively. He gets angry if I talk to my friends or go anywhere. There is a part of me that knows he's just trying to control me still, but I'm so afraid he is going to turn my son against me. I don't know how to deal with this. I give son $$ & help him with his expenses & try to keep line of comunication open, but I know his dad is always trying to manipulate him too. I would be VERY happy if I never had to interact with my husband but I know because of our child we must speak. What do I do? How do I let my son know how important he is to me without hurting him more. I cry because I'm so hurt by the way my husband is acting & my fear of losing my relationship with our son. I want to be happy but feel like husband is always going to do his best to make sure that doesn't happen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,578 Posts
Take your son aside and explain to him that you love him very much and that if he hears things about you, he should never hesitate to come and talk to you about what he has heard. You can use the "affair" as an example of how someone spread that rumor to hurt you and it wasn't true.

He's 16... he's not a dope and will probably understand what's going on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
66 Posts
Children are not stupid, you need to talk to him and explain that whatever may have happened between you and his dad has nothing to do with how you feel about him.

Write him a lengthy email explaining your concerns, he is a not a kid. He can take it... don't be afraid to talk to him as an adult.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,563 Posts
Perhaps your H has suddenly become "Fun Dad" who is going to let him drink, stay out until 3a.m., have wild, unsupervised parties and buy him a car.

What 16 year old wouldn't want that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
Hang in there.Your son may be living it up right now bc dad is being the fun one but when he's a little older he'll come around and realize what's going on.Keep being loving and keep being the best mom you can be.It might not be in a year,it might not be in two years but eventually your son WILL thank you and show love to you for being a good mom.He'll likely have some resentment toward his dad...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,369 Posts
Please get the book "Divorce Poison". It is FULL of helpful tips to reconnect and maintain that connection with your child, regardless of whether your ex supports that.

A couple years ago I thought things were fine and my daughter went to her Dad's for a week of vacation. The day he picked her up I was served with papers for "emergency temporary custody" and there was a hearing in 5 days. I was blindsided. He filled her head full of crap. He had always blamed the divorce on me and told her lies and didn't accept any responsibility for his contributions to the downfall. I thought I was taking the 'high road' by not defending myself or telling her about the abuse. The motion was not granted but instead a hearing was set for a month away to determind temporary custody while he filled a custody suit. (Note I had had custody for 6 years at this point.) It was so bad everyone who read the allegations asked if it was 'opposite day' - HE was the the one doing all of the things he was accusing me of.

He refused to return her until the hearing. She refused my calls and parroted everything he said including wanting to live with her Dad. Not getting into all of the custody stuff because that won't apply to you BUT when she came back to me she hated me, was terrified, wouldn't let me touch her or hug or kiss her. It broke my heart. I had to WORK to remind her there was a time she was happy, loving and trusting. I got the help of friends and family and told them what I learned and what had to be done. It's called parental alienation syndrome (PAS).

Over the course of several months she was acting semi normal at home but wouldn't hug me or tell me she loved me, too. It was six months before I could hug her but her arms hung at her sides. A year I could hug her and get a "OK" in reply to ILY. Two years before I got a spontaneous hug and a "you, too" to ILY. THREE YEARS it took before my daughter could be affectionate, normal and tell me she loves me.

Don't let this happen. Dr. Warshack outlines really good ways to counteract the brainwashing your ex is doing to try to turn your son against you. If you want specific ideas, just ask. If not nipped early, it's a LONG road.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,890 Posts
Good news your son is 16 y.o. He isn't stupid. More than likely he likes the freedom that your husband gives him.

I would pull him aside. Tell him you love him and want to spend time with him. Invite him over for dinner, etc.

He will ultimately come to his own conclusions.

Kids are naturally self serving at this age. Try not to take it personally but if he's out of line or disrespectful let him now. You are the parent!
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top