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I'm about to lose it!

7K views 54 replies 18 participants last post by  pidge70 
#1 ·
I hope this won't end up too long but, I have to give a little basic info first. Joe and I are having a LOT of trouble with our 13yr old daughter.

For those that don't know me, I had an affair 3 1/2yrs ago and my H had a revenge affair. Things were not good in our house for quite some time. A lot of yelling, name calling and things getting broken. Joe was also drinking on an almost daily basis. We were so wrapped up in our own crap, our children got lost in the mix.

Our 13yr old was 10 at the time and in March 2011, when she was 11, she ended up in a pediatric psychiatric hospital. She was there 5 days. We had no choice but to send her or we would have went to jail. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II. The hospital psych saw her a grand total of 20 minutes during her time there.

When she was released, we had to take her to counseling and to see a psychiatrist. He stated she never should have been hospitalized and that she was not in fact bipolar. He diagnosed her with ADHD and said she showed strong traits of BPD. Anyway, she was put on mood stabilizers and ADHD meds, all of which she refused to take.

She has become very combative, lies about anything and everything and steals from us. We have had her in therapy, we also had an intensive home therapy thing for like 8 weeks mandated through the state. The latter was due to her cutting herself of which Joe and I were completely unaware. Someone at school saw and told school officials.

I am also a BPD'er and I am having an extremely hard time dealing with her. My mother abused me as a child....physically, verbally and emotionally. I thought if I didn't drink like my mother, I wouldn't be like that with my own children. While I haven't physically abused her, I have done the former. I have become the thing I hated most.

I feel like maybe the best thing to do would be for me to leave. Nothing gets through to her and maybe, if I were gone she might get better. I just don't know anymore.
 
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#3 ·
Pidge, have you had a heart to heart with your daughter in which you admit to your weaknesses and failings as a mother? None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes and we all want to be wonderful parents to our kids. Just like in our marriage, when things go wrong we need to identify IN OURSELVES what contributed or caused the problem, then together we problem solve to fix it.

It's the holidays, when people tend to show more extreme feelings and more extreme behavior. Try some self affirming statements, meditate on positive changes and your love for your daughter. Push the negative thoughts out, forcefully if you have to by getting up and getting busy.

Keep telling your daughter you love her keep telling her that you both will find a way through this and be healthy/happy together. Show her how adults cope with troubling times. Be a model for positive thoughts and positive actions and positive words. Show her how it's done.

She needs you.
 
#5 ·
I have had a few heart to heart convos with her, it seems nothing gets through.

After I posted this I went up to her room and hugged her while she was asleep. She woke up and before I could say anything, she said, "We have to stop fighting".

I do love her, more than I think she could understand.

Thank you for your post Anon....it means a lot as you and I have never really seen eye to eye on Zanne's situation. You reaching out to me, means a lot.
 
#15 ·
She is a kid. Can you force her to take them by putting them in her food or drink?

However, I'm not a professional - maybe once she discovered you've been doing this would hurt her trust in you?

I assume you've talked to her about why it's important? Do you take meds and can you tell her that it's very important because it will help her be a better version of herself and untap her potential?

Why doesn't she want to take them? Do they make her feel sick or weird or disconnected?
 
#16 ·
No way I could hide them. She's very intuitive.

Joe and I both talked to her about at least trying to take the mood stabilizer. I'm not on any medication, as a BPD'er, I don't have a chemical imbalance. Meds won't work on people like me.

She said the ADHD medication made her sick. I can see why as it is an amphetamine.
 
#17 ·
I have tried to spend one on one time with her. Things will be fine for about a minute. The sad thing is, I just don't believe a word out of her mouth anymore. She lies about anything and everything. She also loves to live in her victim status. Something that is not healthy for her to do, I know, as I did it for over a decade.
 
#18 ·
It will be hard at first. She probably has her defenses up and it will take some time for you to convincer her that you really do want to be with her.

I absolutely know how hard and stressful it is with a child like this. It is still hard for us when our son comes home for a visit. But, as I have gotten older I realize that a lot of things really aren't that important.

Go shopping or get a massage together and don't even flinch at the lies, just say, "really?", or "that's interesting". Let all that stuff that she says just slide and keep your eye on the big picture - rebuilding her. She is going to test you to see if you are really serous, keep cool and don't loose it, especially over the things you really have no control over. The most important thing is that she feels your unconditional love for her.
 
#19 ·
Pidge, my daughter also had a very difficult time with the ADHD meds. They made her a zombie. Her doctor just kept changing and trying new meds til we found one that worked for her. My daughter was finally put on Strattera which she was able to tolerate - along with cognitive behavioral therapy with a fantastic psychiatrist she is doing great now.

Best of luck to you.
 
#20 ·
She was on Focalin XR and then Concerta. Her ADHD symptoms mimic quite a few BPD symptoms. I'm just at a loss. Unfortunately, there are no psychologists in my area that specialize in CBT/DBT. I know without a doubt that she and I both need it.
 
#22 ·
I had difficulties with one son and remember the school calling me in for a meeting with the vice-principal. He was about to rip into me and then saw how my son treated me and then felt sorry for me. That was probably the worse. Fast forward, some years later, he got a decent job, got married, is happy and doing well. Consider the following,

1. Apologize to her. Tell her that you love her and the two of you can try to work on this together. Give her support. And no, things would probably not be better if you two weren't together though they might be temporarily easier for you.

2. Listen and ask for solutions. If there is a sibling, ask for advice. Discuss the medication.

3. Get better security. Assume anything can and will get stolen. Do not give her money because it will go for drugs.

4. Everyone kid has ADD. Hey I make a good living but scored 95% on one of these tests (19 out of 20 signs of ADD). 20 years ago if you were doing 2 things at once, playing with a device and not looking someone in the eye, you had ADD, today, you're a normal kid with an I-phone. Bi-polar is different and more serious.

5. Consider changing schools if she hangs with a bad crowd.

6. See if you can get her involved in a healthier activity.

7. Try to work out some things with your husband. If you get divorced, try to do it to limit stress.
 
#24 ·
I'm sorry you are going through this. We went through something similar, at a similar age with our oldest. She had depression and also did cutting. She has come out of it now. There was nothing I did to bring her out though I tried everything. We also had a very high conflict home and her dad either refused to take her problems seriously or yelled at her to come out of it, which didn't help.

What she says now that helped her the most was that I stood by her through it, never gave up on her and made sure she knew I loved her. Even when I was setting limits, which she now realizes were necessary. Leaving her would be a huge mistake. She has to know you will love her no matter how she is acting, even though you won't put up with it.

Another thing that helped was I stopped fighting with my h in front of the kids and just walk away when he's getting rude. This calmed things down the house big time.

She's 16 now, and so much better. It was bad for 2 years, though.
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#25 ·
Pidge, here are some things to try to build a better relationship with her. Through a better relationship, she will not fight as much on other things.

Teach her to make her favorite dessert. During this time, say nothing negative, don't correct, strike the word NO from your vocabulary. Making something simple would probably be best. Make a new dessert twice a week. Put on her favorite music and sing and dance with her as you make the dessert. This is fun time, so no talking about anything that is troublesome or wrong. If she brings it up, you can either listen to her with empathy or you simply suggest you two focus on enjoying this time and talk about the trouble later that night.

The other thing to build a better relationship, don't call her lies, lies. I now that seems counter intuitive. But she's probably as stubborn as the day is long, so now your fighting her on several different fronts. When she says things that are untrue, you reply with, "I don't remember it that way... Here is how I remember it" or "your teacher suggested it went like this, though it's possible you might have misheard..." What your trying to do is make it very easy for her to let go of her militant stance that she is right and everyone else is wrong. That can only be done with the softest of touches.

Like the other posters, my middle daughter was and still is stubborn as the day is long and when she was 8-11 she started lying. As soon as I stopped calling her out for lying, but searched for a middle ground, she stopped lying. She's still stubborn though...no help for that!

RE: ADHD. There are a ton of meds available. Have her talk directly to the doc about how she feels while on the meds. They can be switched to something else. If you give her some control and authority and treat her with respect, not that you're not already doing that, about taking meds, she will likely become more med compliant.

A Parent's Guide to Explaining ADHD Treatment with Medication | ADDitude - ADD & LD Adults and Children
 
#26 ·
Regarding ADHD treatments - two things we found most effective for our son were neurofeedback training and elimination of as many chemicals from his diet as possible. He was/is especially sensitive to artificial food colorings and flavorings. He was on meds for several years but by high school didn't need them any more.
 
#28 ·
I hope this won't end up too long but, I have to give a little basic info first. Joe and I are having a LOT of trouble with our 13yr old daughter.

For those that don't know me, I had an affair 3 1/2yrs ago and my H had a revenge affair. Things were not good in our house for quite some time. A lot of yelling, name calling and things getting broken. Joe was also drinking on an almost daily basis. We were so wrapped up in our own crap, our children got lost in the mix.

Our 13yr old was 10 at the time and in March 2011, when she was 11, she ended up in a pediatric psychiatric hospital. She was there 5 days. We had no choice but to send her or we would have went to jail. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II. The hospital psych saw her a grand total of 20 minutes during her time there.

When she was released, we had to take her to counseling and to see a psychiatrist. He stated she never should have been hospitalized and that she was not in fact bipolar. He diagnosed her with ADHD and said she showed strong traits of BPD. Anyway, she was put on mood stabilizers and ADHD meds, all of which she refused to take.

She has become very combative, lies about anything and everything and steals from us. We have had her in therapy,
Have you had YOU in therapy so that you can learn techniques for dealing with your family struggles? I would recommend that as well as family counseling.

we also had an intensive home therapy thing for like 8 weeks mandated through the state. The latter was due to her cutting herself of which Joe and I were completely unaware. Someone at school saw and told school officials.

I am also a BPD'er and I am having an extremely hard time dealing with her. My mother abused me as a child....physically, verbally and emotionally. I thought if I didn't drink like my mother, I wouldn't be like that with my own children. While I haven't physically abused her, I have done the former. I have become the thing I hated most.

I feel like maybe the best thing to do would be for me to leave. Nothing gets through to her and maybe, if I were gone she might get better. I just don't know anymore.
Poor baby! Mom thinks leaving is the answer! I am sorry for your situation, but abandoning your child is never the answer. You can send her to me though.
 
#30 ·
Poor baby! Mom thinks leaving is the answer! I am sorry for your situation, but abandoning your child is never the answer. You can send her to me though.
You have obviously never dealt with a difficult child. It is easy to type snarky replies, but harder to offer useful advice.
 
#35 ·
We had a lot of trouble with our daughter, and very little with our son, despite our best efforts to raise them lovingly and responsibly. I know first hand how hard it is to deal with a rebellious, irrational teenager.
 
#41 ·
When the school called in 2011 and told me that she had told the school counselor that she has tried to kill herself in Dec 2010, I went to the school. I took her to a counselor they said she had to see. The counselor asked me if I thought she should be hospitalized, I emphatically stated no. They gave her some sort of test and then stated she had to go. If I tried to stop them, I would be arrested. We had to drive her to a hospital 2hrs away. I fought them, I cried, I begged for them not to send her. I have been in the hospital and I did not want her to go through what I did. I took the week off work so I could be here on the occasions she was allowed to call.

When we got her home and I took her to the psychiatrist, he said she never should have been hospitalized. There were some seriously disturbed children there.

We took her to individual counseling but, either I or her father were a part of the sessions. She went for around 8 months I think. The 8 week intensive home therapy always included all of us.

The reason I thought it might be better if I were to leave is due to my BPD. I thought that she might have a better chance of getting better without me around. I was not in any way just planning on abandoning her.
 
#46 ·
Barring full-blown mental illness, your kids ARE a direct product of you and your husband. Fix you and your husband, and your kids get better. Period.
I agree with the bolded part, not so much the last bit. Children of BPD'ers are at high risk of becoming BPD'ers themselves, genetics could also play a part. My daughter is now 14 and during her formative years she saw how I was. I cannot undo that. I do realize the dynamic here is unhealthy. I have discussed this with Joe. If my daughter is in fact a BPD'er and not just a rebellious teen, I am at a loss as to what to do. I have looked into DBT/CBT therapy for both of us. There is NOONE around here that deals with people like us.
 
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