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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't want to bore anyone so I'll try to only give the important details so that my questions can hopefully be answered. My stbxh & I have been together a total of 10 years. His A before I found out about it had to be 3 months tops (it was a new co-worker & I know her start date). So it started while I was pregnant & my d-day took place 2 months ago. We have 2 children together (ages 4 & 3 months). He denied the A, I filed for D, told him to move out & he's still is seeing the OW.

Now for my questions....

Has anyone ever gotten a confession months after they initially confronted their spouse? or am I never going to get it??

Shouldn't his fog end sooner? I found out about it early, I've exposed him to his family, friends & some co-workers (if he loses his job it will hurt my kids because I need his child support $ so I can't tell his bosses). I told OW's stbxh (he had no idea), OW's own family was aware of the A my stbxh even spent Christmas & New Years with her family. I don't want his fog to end so that we get back together I just don't want the alcoholic OW around my kids once my D is over & I only have the right to keep the kids away during the D. I know his fog has got to be a strong one because she's not even attractive!!! I know I may sound like a bitter ex but seriously I am so much better looking than the OW. When I told his male co-workers they all thought I was crazy for even thinking he would cheat on me with her because I was so much prettier than her. My stbxh (although he denied the A) said "I didn't find her attractive but she was so nice to me that I guess it grew into an attraction".

How do you co-parent with a cheater?? He was never a great father while we were married (work always came first) so I'm assuming it will continue this way. I really think he's only seeing the kids at all because he knows it will aggravate me but how can I trust him to co-parent with him?

Are you ever able to look at the cheater without feeling an extreme emotion? I'm angry, hurt, sad, mad, betrayed...I dread the 3 days a week that I need to drop the kids off for their couple hour visit because the flood of emotions just won't go away & I never know how I'm going to feel until I see him.

a little vent...Why do we live in a world where this is normal & not against the law?! It makes me so mad. I know I've read if adultery was a punishable crime we would need more jails to house all the cheaters. That the law doesn't go against cheaters since politicians & the people making the laws would be in trouble themselves. Ugh!!! It's just so aggravating I have proof that it happened while we were married. He's over at her house constantly parked in her drive way & it doesn't matter because adultery means nothing anymore apparently.

Thank you for reading and I appreciate the help. I apologize for my rant. If anyone has any books or articles they can suggest that might help me I'd appreciate it, I feel like I've read everything online. I start therapy next week, I feel like such a nut job that this is consuming my life.
 

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Sorry you're here, Ash.

Be patient, there will be many folks to come along and make suggestions. I'm a relative newbie myself, but I will say, IMO, you need to find someway to focus your energy away from your WH and onto yourself.

IC is a good start, btw. I know it has helped me immensely.
 

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Focus and work only on your babies and yourself. Don't put one ounce of energy in trying to figure your STBXH out. Same with her. Thinking about them will only sap your energy and stir your emotions.

The 180 can help you focus. If you haven't got it, it's on my sig line. Click on letting go too.

Your pain will decrease over time and his will increase. Now, take care of yourself& your precious babies.
 

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The question of co-parenting with a cheater... He did not cheat on your kids. He cheated on you. His vows were to you not them. I'm making this point because you need to remember that heading into court. Courts are not about being fair. They do try to take in the best benefit for the children.

If your husband is not a good father. Go into court and try for maximum time maybe 80-100% so you get to make the decisions. You want to be the primary custodian.

It is best if your H is a good father and helps as much as possible. The court will most likely not give yo 100% but the more influence you have the better.

Adultery is illegal. In MD., it is a 25$ fine and I had to give my cheating wife half of everything. Oh well. Glad it's done.

Unless you prove that his girlfriend is a danger to your kids, you can't keep her from being around your children when he has them... My EX was taking my kids places I absolutely did not want them to go but I found out there was nothing I could do. When I take my kids over to my girl friends, it drives my EX nuts. We get them in nice beds, wash the sheets, give them showers, make them nice big homemade breakfasts and spend good quality time together, kids love it... EX hates it. There is nothing you can do about who the custodian brings them around unless you get things written in divorce decree. Figure out what you want, be realistic and smart...

Good luck on your journey. I hope things start working out for you.
 

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AshS - it took my stbxw over 3 years to confess to her PA. For 3 years she let me think it was just an EA.

Co-parenting with a cheater is an emotional rollercoaster. You will doubt his ability to be a responsible parent. When he is looking after the kids you will wonder if he is really looking after them. You will not trust him with your kids. The biggest change will likely be when HE has the kids and you realize how much you did - because you have more free time than you now what to do with. Stay busy and active.

As for looking at your cheating spouse - it will take a while before you can look at him without hatred or disgust. And even when you get to that point, you can slip back. Eg - yesterday I was OK with my stbxw. Right now, I hate her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you everyone for the responses.

oldtimer-I will try & find my focus

disenchanted-I always put my kids first he doesn't & that's what worries me

Walkonmars-Thank you for those links. I have been trying to not think about them and only concentrate on my kids & I, but I know I can do better & I shouldn't give either of them a second thought.

MovingAhead- I have told myself over & over again "he cheated on you not the kids" but it doesn't feel that way when I found hotel receipts for days that he was "working" & not being a dad. Or when I got only 1 month of cell phone records (so who knows what else) & realized that all those nights he was going upstairs to "catch up on some work" and my son was crying "but I want daddy to tuck me in" or "I want daddy to give me a bath" he was upstairs talking & texting her. My husband wants joint custody some of his own family members even think it's a joke for him to get that. He has never been alone with our 4 year old for longer than 4 hours ever (at 18 months old) & he's never been alone with the baby for even an hour. The 3 hour visits that he's doing now are with his mother's help so hopefully that will go in my favor in court when they see he's not even taking care of them by himself.

Cedarman- I really did/do it all with my kids. My mother in law was trying to get me to change my mind about the divorce she said "honey how are you going to do it on your own" I said "Ma, I already do". I never let on to his mother while we were married how he was not a father (other family members witnessed it themselves) she was shocked when I told her.

I have had so many people tell me just let him have your 4 year old for 1 night & that will probably be the last. The thing is I have an actual gut wrentching fear that my child will be put in danger if he's with the OW. Her ex H told me "it's bad enough she drinks & screams at our own kids, your 2 innocent little ones don't need to be subjected to that". My 4 year old is a tester...always testing the limits (I know most kids are at this age) I just fear he'll do something that pisses her off & she won't be able to control her drinking temper. I feel out of control that I can't protect my children the way I should be able to.
 

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I liked your rant! Please keep writing! My exwife was like your STBXH. I do not hold out much hope for you getting the truth from him, you will get a lot of insight here thou.I have mz kids on my lap so please exscuse my tzping. David
 

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The question of co-parenting with a cheater... He did not cheat on your kids. He cheated on you. His vows were to you not them. I'm making this point because you need to remember that heading into court. Courts are not about being fair. They do try to take in the best benefit for the children.

If your husband is not a good father. Go into court and try for maximum time maybe 80-100% so you get to make the decisions. You want to be the primary custodian.

It is best if your H is a good father and helps as much as possible. The court will most likely not give yo 100% but the more influence you have the better.

Adultery is illegal. In MD., it is a 25$ fine and I had to give my cheating wife half of everything. Oh well. Glad it's done.

Unless you prove that his girlfriend is a danger to your kids, you can't keep her from being around your children when he has them... My EX was taking my kids places I absolutely did not want them to go but I found out there was nothing I could do. When I take my kids over to my girl friends, it drives my EX nuts. We get them in nice beds, wash the sheets, give them showers, make them nice big homemade breakfasts and spend good quality time together, kids love it... EX hates it. There is nothing you can do about who the custodian brings them around unless you get things written in divorce decree. Figure out what you want, be realistic and smart...

Good luck on your journey. I hope things start working out for you.
I can't agree with you on this one! A cheater does cheat on their children!

Even one minute spent thinking about the AP or being with the AP is time that should have been spent on the BS or the BC (Betrayed Children).

And Ash, you are 100% right to worry about the safety of your children. No stay overs with H and his drunken, screaming AP. Ever!
 

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ASH, trying to deal with children, in itself can be somewhat trying on the physical/mental part. Dealing with a partner who has strayed, is another job in itself. Focusing on your kids right now and taking care of self is extremely important. I am also new to this forum, but I was married for 20, so I learned a few things about that.

I exercised to the max, coupled with eating as good as I could. I also saw the doc, anti-d time. It was hard getting up every morning. You will survive, I did. I know my words are easy and the work is hard, but this will pas in time, one way or another. Listen to vets we know what its' like and we know how to live past this "crap". Keep coming back here for that extra help, it can't hurt. Good luck.
 

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Thank you everyone for the responses.

oldtimer-I will try & find my focus

disenchanted-I always put my kids first he doesn't & that's what worries me

Walkonmars-Thank you for those links. I have been trying to not think about them and only concentrate on my kids & I, but I know I can do better & I shouldn't give either of them a second thought.

MovingAhead- I have told myself over & over again "he cheated on you not the kids" but it doesn't feel that way when I found hotel receipts for days that he was "working" & not being a dad. Or when I got only 1 month of cell phone records (so who knows what else) & realized that all those nights he was going upstairs to "catch up on some work" and my son was crying "but I want daddy to tuck me in" or "I want daddy to give me a bath" he was upstairs talking & texting her. My husband wants joint custody some of his own family members even think it's a joke for him to get that. He has never been alone with our 4 year old for longer than 4 hours ever (at 18 months old) & he's never been alone with the baby for even an hour. The 3 hour visits that he's doing now are with his mother's help so hopefully that will go in my favor in court when they see he's not even taking care of them by himself.

Cedarman- I really did/do it all with my kids. My mother in law was trying to get me to change my mind about the divorce she said "honey how are you going to do it on your own" I said "Ma, I already do". I never let on to his mother while we were married how he was not a father (other family members witnessed it themselves) she was shocked when I told her.

I have had so many people tell me just let him have your 4 year old for 1 night & that will probably be the last. The thing is I have an actual gut wrentching fear that my child will be put in danger if he's with the OW. Her ex H told me "it's bad enough she drinks & screams at our own kids, your 2 innocent little ones don't need to be subjected to that". My 4 year old is a tester...always testing the limits (I know most kids are at this age) I just fear he'll do something that pisses her off & she won't be able to control her drinking temper. I feel out of control that I can't protect my children the way I should be able to.
I am so sorry about all of this.

What Mother wants her babies around an ill-tempered alcoholic person? None.

I would start by documenting everything. I would ask my 4 yr. old questions. If I found anything inappropriate, I would seek legal and/or law enforcement advice. Closely monitor the situation. If she is as bad as you say, she will slip up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
So I'm taking the advice of focusing on other things. Today the kids & I went shopping but I will admit I kept looking around to see if OW was there. My stbxh is so stupid that not only did he "s**t where he sleeps" since she's a co-worker but she also lives in our neighborhood so I can run into her at any time.

I spent the afternoon playing with the kids & overall I had a happy day it wasn't until dinner that I realized it was exactly 8 weeks ago today that I knew for sure my marriage was over, even though it was days before my d-day would happen.

I realized today that even though I've had moments of sadness I have not cried since Thursday!!! and my Thursday cry was not even directly connected to him but it was over a text from my stbxh's "neutral" family member. Neutral my butt!!! If you're neutral you wouldn't text me "he's going to bring the kids over next week to my place ok?" No, not ok!!! We have our location for visits worked out & I need to drive them to & from because he never got carseats for his car. I responded about him not having carseats & it not being his visitation time slot & then the next text said how I was making the kids suffer because I was wrong & there is no girlfriend, I didn't even respond after that point. The tears started filling up in my eyes because here this family has been like my own for 10 years & now they're not & to top it off some of them are accusing me of being wrong. Some of his family members told me that no matter what I can never take him back because I am too good of a person to have to put up with him. That was the night I joined TAM & posted my in-law question. My stbxh was with the kids at the time of the text so I don't know if he put the family member up to it or if he even knew the texts were sent. The request for my kids was for Saturday night, he's been so busy with the OW that he has not made any plans to be with the kids on a weekend night yet & he has yet to mention these plans to me so I doubt he even wants them to go over there.

I've come up with some positives this week. I am 17 pounds away from being the weight I was 10 years ago so I would like to thank my stbxh for that. It's ironic that at the beginning of our relationship I was so in love & the butterflies I felt made it impossible for me to eat & at the end of our relationship the thought of him & what he did to me made me so sick that I had no appetite. To make my weight loss even better the stbxh must be eatting a lot of meals out & drinking because the other day when I saw him it was like woah where did that gut come from. He never was a drinker before, maybe a beer or a rum & coke if we went out to dinner. Now every weekend when he calls to say goodnight to our kids I can hear in his voice that he's been drinking and definitely more than a couple. I was also brought up to always see the good in people. I'm worried that I will never be able to find the good in the OW & it worries me that I might have to deal with her after my divorce is finalized. So today I came up with the only 2 positive thoughts I could possibly think of. We obviously have the same taste in guys since she's with my stbxh & she did pick out some cute clothes for my kids Christmas presents, no way did he go to the mall & pick out that stuff out on his own.

Anyone out there still dealing with the OW/OM after your divorce?? My dad cheated on my mom she said it was her fear too that she would forever have to deal with the OW but that didn't happen. My dad married the OW but he rarely asked to have us kids so my mom never had to deal with her. She told me she only got a glimpse of her once & she only spoke with her 1 time & that was because 1 of us kids got sick while spending the night. Karma got my dad. While the OW was pursuing him she bought him stuff & paid for everything. Now he has an allowance, she rations out his cell phone minutes & they haven't slept together in 6 years! He confided that last tid bit to my aunt who told me after she found out my situation.

It's crazy how times have changed my mom knew basically nothing about the OW & here I know a ton. The OW friended me on facebook a week before my d-day. I accepted & immediately went through her pics. I reassured myself that I had nothing to worry about since she wasn't cute (boy was I wrong) after my d-day I didn't confront my stbxh for a week I used her facebook to gather as much information about her as I could, her family, her friends anything I thought would help me in the future I knew the moment I confronted him she would block me & that's exactly what happened. She friended me on prupose, at first I thought it was only to try and get me to let my guard down & for her to snoop at my pics but I think she had concerns that my stbxh was not fully in. Afterall my stbxh had started a fight with me a week earlier & mentioned D but he was still living with me. The day she told her H that she wanted a D she immediately put it in her status & switched her relationship status to seperated. This was the same day that my H was talking to me about "ILYBINILWY, I don't want to lose you but I don't know if we should stay married". If she really wanted to keep their relationship from me she never would have been so quick to put it on facebook.
 

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I hate you're here and going through so many ups and downs but wanted to tell you this....

No matter her looks, you are a better person than her by FAR!! Sometimes I think cheaters are idiots....my WH cheated with a woman that was UGLY!! Atleast I thought she was, and anyone else thats seen her thinks so too. Heck her own xH said I was hotter then her (and I dont consider myself hot or even close to hot..lol). The only thing she had on me as that she was a little taller then me and thinner. At one point he would make fun of the clothes she wore and he also said one time when I asked if he had a thing for her (she was a co-worker) "are you kidding me, give me some credit"...HAHAHAHA Wish I could choke him with those words now! :)
 

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I hate you're here and going through so many ups and downs but wanted to tell you this....

No matter her looks, you are a better person than her by FAR!! Sometimes I think cheaters are idiots....my WH cheated with a woman that was UGLY!! Atleast I thought she was, and anyone else thats seen her thinks so too. Heck her own xH said I was hotter then her (and I dont consider myself hot or even close to hot..lol). The only thing she had on me as that she was a little taller then me and thinner. At one point he would make fun of the clothes she wore and he also said one time when I asked if he had a thing for her (she was a co-worker) "are you kidding me, give me some credit"...HAHAHAHA Wish I could choke him with those words now! :)
Yep. Me thinks thou doth protest too much.....

My H said when asked about AP "she is a self centered b*tch. And built like a teenaged boy".......guess he's into self centered *****y teenaged boys then.....:rolleyes::rofl:

W/I a few mos that self centered ***** had become "young, thin and powerful". That was his TRUE opinion of her. The rest was smoke and mirrors.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
letdownntx & canttrustu- I can't tell you how crazy it is everytime I read something that other members write & think to myself about the similarities with my own situation.

I would definitely not consider myself hot either but in comparison to her I am. I was shocked to hear the statistic that "9 out of 10 men will admit that their AP was significantly less attractive than their spouse". The OW is taller than me & was definitely thinner than me when their A started (since I was pregnant) but not anymore. She thinks she's hot and just by looking at her pics on facebook you could see how she was trying to transform herself since she started working with my H...weight loss, a new hair cut, new clothes.

When she first started he had told me how she was "nothing to look at but she seemed nice". He would always comment on other females appearances to me so him summing her up that first week didn't suprise me. At more than 1 point he came home from work & complained about her, "she called in because her kid was sick" "she's so annoying, she never stops talking". I wonder if he just said these things so I wouldn't be suspicious or if they were true at the time & then she changed in his eyes.

The day I confronted him & he denied, I said to him "thank you for picking her because she's f'in ugly, if you would have picked a skinny blonde I would have been really self consious but she's an f'in dog" if it wasn't true he would have said something but he stood there like a deer in headlights. 2 days later he said "I'm no Brad Pitt but if I were to cheat on you don't you think I could find someone better looking?" apparently not!!!

I find it funny that she's everything that he wasn't in to. Part of me wants him to be with her forever (but not with my kids) so that they can drive each other nuts. When I spoke with OWH & asked him about her he basicaly described the female version of my stbxh. It was hilarious, here I thought she must be suzie homemaker to reel him in & I found out OWH did the cooking, cleaning & caretaking of the kids. So basically if they do end up living together they're going to have to step it up big time since both of their spouses were the ones taking care of the household and then my pos stbxh can see how the grass is not greener.
 

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letdownntx & canttrustu- I can't tell you how crazy it is everytime I read something that other members write & think to myself about the similarities with my own situation.

I would definitely not consider myself hot either but in comparison to her I am. I was shocked to hear the statistic that "9 out of 10 men will admit that their AP was significantly less attractive than their spouse". The OW is taller than me & was definitely thinner than me when their A started (since I was pregnant) but not anymore. She thinks she's hot and just by looking at her pics on facebook you could see how she was trying to transform herself since she started working with my H...weight loss, a new hair cut, new clothes.

When she first started he had told me how she was "nothing to look at but she seemed nice". He would always comment on other females appearances to me so him summing her up that first week didn't suprise me. At more than 1 point he came home from work & complained about her, "she called in because her kid was sick" "she's so annoying, she never stops talking". I wonder if he just said these things so I wouldn't be suspicious or if they were true at the time & then she changed in his eyes.

The day I confronted him & he denied, I said to him "thank you for picking her because she's f'in ugly, if you would have picked a skinny blonde I would have been really self consious but she's an f'in dog" if it wasn't true he would have said something but he stood there like a deer in headlights. 2 days later he said "I'm no Brad Pitt but if I were to cheat on you don't you think I could find someone better looking?" apparently not!!!

I find it funny that she's everything that he wasn't in to. Part of me wants him to be with her forever (but not with my kids) so that they can drive each other nuts. When I spoke with OWH & asked him about her he basicaly described the female version of my stbxh. It was hilarious, here I thought she must be suzie homemaker to reel him in & I found out OWH did the cooking, cleaning & caretaking of the kids. So basically if they do end up living together they're going to have to step it up big time since both of their spouses were the ones taking care of the household and then my pos stbxh can see how the grass is not greener.
Yes. I have learned to watch out when they start spewing negativity about a particular woman. Especially since my H rarely says anything bad about anyone. He now admits he was doing it to through me off pretty much. It didnt work though bc I wasnt listening so much to WHAT he was saying but rather how MUCH he was saying. Then before I knew it, he was no longer saying bad things but was always just saying "J said this, or J said that" He NEVER mentioned her from the time he met her in Feb until June. Not once. Then he did a couple of times- never good. Then by July he wasnt saying anything bad but just comments about things she'd done or said or about her kids etc. By Nov and Dec it was constant. "J said this and J said that. J is out of town. J's kid is sick. J hates facial hair" etc...BTW, he shaved the hair on his face that he'd had for 10yrs shortly after that comment. I loved that hair.

So when a guy protests too much- look out. He isnt prone to talking alot about anyone at work beyond the little tid bits of daily interaction or whatever so when/if he does its a big red flag for me. When he starts with their name constantly UH-OH!

Good luck. It sounds like they deserve each other. Find someone who deserves you and will love and respect you.
 

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I would definitely not consider myself hot either but in comparison to her I am. I was shocked to hear the statistic that "9 out of 10 men will admit that their AP was significantly less attractive than their spouse". The OW is taller than me & was definitely thinner than me when their A started (since I was pregnant) but not anymore. She thinks she's hot and just by looking at her pics on facebook you could see how she was trying to transform herself since she started working with my H...weight loss, a new hair cut, new clothes.

Just remember, your husband's affair is NOT about how you look vs the AP. The affair is because of your husband's character flaw.

Personal example: My brother cheated on his wife. His wife was loyal, successful, and truly beautiful. My brother's affair partner was dumpy, had a horrible personality, was married, her kids were screwed up and she was not nearly as bright or as successful as my brother's wife. But she was trying to trade up (she worked with my brother). When I saw my brother's AP (since he tried to introduce her to our family) it was like "W...... T.......F??????" I had to tell him that she's not welcome and never to bring her around again. Yeah, that was mean - but my brother was screwed up and this woman was a predator, in my mind (now I realize it was my brother who screwed up - but I hated that woman). This sounds horrible, but I would have had a lot easier time understanding my brother's affair if the AP was a 20 something hottie/airhead. It made no sense. Anyway, my brother was totally screwed up and he ruined his marriage and really his life as a result (he has still not recovered from the guilt and never will). My brother has never been the same.

Don't try to figure out the affair by the AP's looks. The AP is filling some sort of gap in the cheating spouses flawed character.
Eventually, you will realize that it is your husband who is totally screwed up. Once he comes out of the fog, try to be in a position where you can dispassionately decide whether you want him in your life or not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thank you cedarman. It's definitely easier to blame the OW rather than my stbxh or in your example your brother but I know he's the one at fault afterall I'm married to him not her. He has tons of character flaws and I was so in love with him that I didn't see how flawed he was until 2 months ago.

As far as wanting him in my life I don't but he's the father of my children & I will always put them first. If I have to suck it up for them I will. I think in time he will fade away. He wasn't a hands on father while we were together so I doubt he will be now. Honestly these past 6 weeks that he's been out of the house he's probably spent more quality time with our oldest than he has in years & that's only because he's putting on a show for his mom. Today he was over 30 minutes late for his visit & he never even picked up our baby she stayed in the carseat for 3 hours sleeping. Now I know they say "never wake a sleeping baby" but he should have. I think he didn't bond with the baby before he left the house because he knew he was checking out soon & I fear that he's not bonding now because he knows he's not going to be a father for much longer.
 
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