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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Why?

I've never saw a female orgasm let alone be responsible for one!

I had several sexual partners in my life but they aren't important now. My wife of 6 years is important.

First few years we just enjoyed each other. Sex started 3 months after the first date. She warned me she's not really the orgasmic type but I disregarded that since she was inexperienced and I was sure that I would get her to places she never even dream existed. :) I believed that with knowing each other and through learning, closeness, trust we would get there so I didn't talk about it for fear she'll be under pressure if she knew that I miss them dearly.

When she got pregnant her sexual drive shut down completely. After that cold shower I realized that her orgasms may never gonna happen and that really, really hurt my confidence. I was depressed for days.

Well, that was 2 and a half years ago. We had few serious talks about our sex life and my expectations and found out that orgasms are not important to her that much. She wants intimacy and affection and she doesn't miss them that much. She can orgasm when she is alone but didn't since pregnancy.

She didn't realize how important they are to me and now after these few talk she promised that she will try to correct this by reading on the internet or a book or something.

I feel that I delayed these talks too much in futile hope that everything will be right eventually when we love each other. I'm a wreck. I feel like a complete failure.

If I finger her (which she loves) she can be little ticklish. I can't stand that anymore, like she is laughing to me. I really enjoyed giving her oral but she lately admitted she never really liked that which hurt - a lot.

She sees that I'm hurt badly by this. Now she tries not to show if I start to tickle her but I know her too well. Now she demands oral telling how she's 'hooked on it and it's my fault' and I just can't. I know it's for my benefit and I appreciate it but it makes things worse for me.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to the erectile dysfunction land with this pace and it's not that far off. I really don't know what to do. :(
 

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I say it is time for some great communication, exploration and education. What works for one person may be a turn off for the next and this can be true about different times of the month as well, due to hormonal fluctuations. Communicating is going to be key.

Set aside some time that you will not be interrupted and can relax, get a babysitter that will take the kids overnight, got to a hotel or whatever is necessary to have time for just you two. Spend time exploring the erogenous zones of your partner. Share with each other what you enjoy, what areas feel the best and what kinds of touch and pressure is preferred in those areas.

Sinclair Institute has videos that are education, with real life couples demonstrating these techniques.

Here is a thread that has several books that may be helpful http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/66328-helpful-books-recommended-reading.html. Share the books that you are reading with each other. I like to point out the portions that I would like to try or the point that are accurate for my likes. You can show the portions directly or highlight areas that you would like them to read or place post it notes, with key points on them, on the page you would like your partner to focus on.

If she was able to O thru play before birth and now not able to, I would say that there is something going on in her mind and probably lack of relaxation causing the issue. A relaxing massage and learning to center herself, quiet the mind and really be present in the moment would be of great help.

Does she read romance novels? If so, have her show you the ones that she likes. Ask if there are any scenes in a book that she would like to try, and if there are actions in the book that are particularly appealing to her.

As with anything in life, it has to be fun or it will become work. When it is fun, we will make time for it and desire it. When things become work or a chore, the desire is gone and it will go to h*ll in a hand basket in no time at all. Keeping your lives together fun can go a long way to keeping the spark in the bedroom as well. Remember to play occasionally, have a water fight with squirt guns, chase each other around a park, roll in the grass, go sledding in the winter or have a snowball fight.

You can also integrate fun adult games into your relationship. There are a lot of games here Games - A Place For Passion and the prices are nice too.
 

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How does/did she O by herself? She was honest with you that she was not that orgasmic & she seemed comfortable with that....but you are not so now she feels pressure to O with you because of your needs to give her an O.

I think you need to enjoy lovemaking with your wife & get over your need to make her cum & your sex life will improve. Try a good vibrator on her clit & see what happens.

I can only O with a vibrator on the clit. My husband WAS like you - he wanted to be able with his body parts to give me an O & he tried soooo hard - poor dear - that we both felt terrible. I was happy not having O's (like your wife seems to be from your post) but he was not happy so I decided to try a vibrator for the first time.

I ordered it w/o telling him knowing his feelings would be hurt. Then during an honest sex discussion, I showed it to him.

He was hurt, upset & bewildered so I put it away because I care more about his feelings than a "possible" O.

After the next sexual session with no O from me, HE suggested bringing it out, we did & I had an O. He was thrilled because he is a big boy.

Now the vibrator is part of our lovemaking & he is happy :)
 

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Does she read romance novels? If so, have her show you the ones that she likes. Ask if there are any scenes in a book that she would like to try, and if there are actions in the book that are particularly appealing to her.

As with anything in life, it has to be fun or it will become work. When it is fun, we will make time for it and desire it. When things become work or a chore, the desire is gone and it will go to h*ll in a hand basket in no time at all. Keeping your lives together fun can go a long way to keeping the spark in the bedroom as well. Remember to play occasionally, have a water fight with squirt guns, chase each other around a park, roll in the grass, go sledding in the winter or have a snowball fight.

You can also integrate fun adult games into your relationship. There are a lot of games here Games - A Place For Passion and the prices are nice too.
Excellent advice!

I would also add that if you approach sex with your wife in the right frame of mind she will be more likely to respond. A woman can tell when her partner is fiddling her in order to illicit a response from her. She feels pressured to give the response, but since she knows her true response isn't what you would like, she begins to feel deformed, defective, not working right. A woman who has trouble orgasming mostly blames herself, rarely blames her lover.


When you and your wife are having sex, your mind needs to be focused in your delight in her body. Focus on how touching her body makes you feel. Focus on various ways of touching the same place. I would encourage you to wax poetical about YOUR feelings as you touch her body.

Women need intimacy, they need to feel cherished in a way that makes sense to them. To take her into the bedroom and slowly undress her marveling at her beauty, softness, lush curves and delicate rounded bits. Slowly removing each article, not allowing her to to step in and help, insisting she remain still so you can teasingly unwrap your present. She will feel cherished and she will feel that she is pleasing you which will help her be more in the moment rather than wondering if she will be able to climax.

A woman's climax is 90% in her head and only 10% in her body. Once her head is in the right place, conquering her body will be rather easy.
 

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..A woman's climax is 90% in her head and only 10% in her body. Once her head is in the right place, conquering her body will be rather easy.
Eh, uh, are you a woman? If yes, then you are a traitor of your gender, showing away deepest secret like that :D

Mr. Stranger, the statement quoted above is very important. Very, very important to consider. Your technique is, as stated above, less than 10% of the equation. 90% of the success lies on the woman's own head.

Here, let me share to you an interesting case. I once have a case of a personal friend, who had two marriages. With her first husband, she said she never had orgasm. Her 1st husband, she admitted, is not a selfish lover and knows all the techniques in the book. But she blocked all his attempts and even refused to give deep kisses. In fact she put a pillow on her face to prevent being kissed, and would push her 1st husband's face away from her lady parts whenever he tried to give oral. She only allowed him PIV, and she kept a supply of lube ready. She refused to give the 1st husband blowjobs, and actually vomited when she tried to give one. So, it was PIV or nothing.

Turned out that, she married her 1st husband just as an escape. Because she lost her boyfriend, the one she really loved, to another woman. She was very sad and tried to obliterate the sadness by marrying the first nice man who proposed to her. Didn't worked...She NEVER loved the 1st husband, and never able even after trying. Not because any failing of the guy, he was a nice, upstanding, understanding man. She was just not physically attracted to him in the first place.

So, after 3 years of fighting, she finally divorced the 1st husband, and get herself another husband. This time, it's love at the first sight. Real love. And she has orgasms everytime they made love!

And that's the key! She is very much physically attracted to the 2nd husband. she is very much in love with the 2nd husband. Mind you, her 2nd husband is nothing like the 1st. The 1st husband is a nice person, upstanding, kind and gentle. The 2nd husband is a prick who often verbally and physically abused her when they're having an argument. But she could have orgasms with the 2nd husband because the love factor is there. Plus, with the 1st husband, she often avoided having sex with 1001 excuses. With the 2nd husband, she is having sex very often, and she said the most pleasurable sex is after they have big fights! Very strange, even I cannot believe at the first time she told me, and even today I dont understand why.

So, to every husband who cannot seem to please their wives despite trying all tricks in the book. Ask yourself a question. Why did your wife marry you? Was it real love? Does she really love you and physically attracted to you in the 1st place? Was it real love from the heart, or was it a marriage on convenience instead of love? Also, be honest to yourself, Do you really have very bad techniques? Have you become so ugly and no longer physically attractive to her? Or maybe it is your wife whom are not 100% in love with you?

Maybe, maybe that is because you do have very bad techniques, but even after you improved your techniques with all sincerity, if your wife never love you and/or never/no longer physically attracted to you, then your techniques will never work, and your sincerity will not make her satisfied.

Sorry if I sounds like a pessimist. I hope optimists people will chime in soon to counterbalance my pessimism :)
 

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This is what I still don't understand.

Us men are all built on testosterone, the sex hormone. We have overall higher sex drives compared to most women and it doesn't take much to get us in the mood either. Now I watched the Dr. Oz show on sex and he stated that when men have sex 3x every week, it's enough that it lowers our chances of heart issues and disease by up to 50%. So if our wife's / gf's want us to live a longer and much healthier life with them, sex 3x every week is a must. This raises our testosterone and other hormones and is healthy for us, not just getting our rocks off like most women think. That's why men are always in the mood. To deny us sex and intimacy is unhealthy and makes us miserable, and affairs and cheating sometimes occur, leading to divorces.

Now, for myself, my wifee of 13+ years is a larger woman with a LD. When I give her oral, she will orgasm but penetration alone, even her favorite positions, she will not orgasm. When I give her oral, I take my time, 20 minutes maybe, and she loves it.

My wifee also likes it when I dry kiss her neck, work my way down to her breasts, down to her mid section (she watches me), and then I lick her legs and inner thighs and then proceed to give her oral (suck, nibble, she loves that). I would give her oral every day if she wanted it but since she has a LD, it winds up being once each month for her.

There have been numerous times in our past, were she let sex slide to 1x to 2x months and even once in 5 weeks. That resulted in our marriage being a room mate, friendship and not husband and wife or close with intimacy. I too love the cuddling, talking, back and foot rubs, but the sexual is also part of the intimacy.

Try sending her flowers, card and her favorite chocolates as a total surprise, say once each month. If she works, have dinner ready when she walks in the door (as soon as you get home, order in), watch a movie together, talk about her day, back and foot rub, cuddle on the couch afterwards. If you're doing these things for her and expecting nothing in return, she should be doing the same for your needs, sexually (intimate). It's 50 / 50 and not her way because then she is being very selfish!!!! I am tired of the excuse, I had a kid(s) so now I'm not in the mood anymore, so no sex for you. Really?! How selfish of her!!!!

A woman cutting off sexual intimacy for her man is a disaster waiting to happen.

She must communicate and fix this if she wants your marriage to work and last.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
How does/did she O by herself?
She did show me but she didn't had an orgasm. She did admit it's hard for her to orgasm even in best circumstances.

I think you need to enjoy lovemaking with your wife & get over your need to make her cum & your sex life will improve.
How does one get over his needs? Would you give the same advice if I came here and told she is one-a-month person and I'm unhappy? How does one get over his greatest fantasy?

Now the vibrator is part of our lovemaking & he is happy :)
I'm glad for you. I'll buy her few a few toys, anniversary is close. anyway. :D I'll be glad if she could orgasm that way but in the end it will be just another proof that I suck at it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Excellent advice!
A woman can tell when her partner is fiddling her in order to illicit a response from her. She feels pressured to give the response
I've never had sex with an expectation of orgasm. I just always hoped that it would happen someday and that's all.

A woman who has trouble orgasming mostly blames herself, rarely blames her lover.
I know. She blames herself.

Women need intimacy, they need to feel cherished in a way that makes sense to them. To take her into the bedroom and slowly undress her marveling at her beauty, softness, lush curves and delicate rounded bits. Slowly removing each article, not allowing her to to step in and help, insisting she remain still so you can teasingly unwrap your present. She will feel cherished and she will feel that she is pleasing you which will help her be more in the moment rather than wondering if she will be able to climax.
If she were here, she would tell you that everything here is true and I never expected her climax. Just hope.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Why did your wife marry you? Was it real love? Does she really love you and physically attracted to you in the 1st place? Was it real love from the heart, or was it a marriage on convenience instead of love? Also, be honest to yourself, Do you really have very bad techniques?
I don't question her love. I know she loves me with all her heart.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I am tired of the excuse, I had a kid(s) so now I'm not in the mood anymore, so no sex for you. Really?! How selfish of her!!!!

A woman cutting off sexual intimacy for her man is a disaster waiting to happen.

She must communicate and fix this if she wants your marriage to work and last.
This is not about quantity. It's about quality.

I've never had a felling that I had great sex. Never. The key component is always missing.
 

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I totally agree, its not the quantity, its the quality, very true. But having fantastic sex say once a month or less is nothing and not emotionally or physically healthy for any marriage. That closeness has to be there.

Myself, sex 1x every day.

My wife, sex 1 - 2x month.

Compromise, sex 3x or more every week.

That's 50 / 50, "both sides compromising equally" and the way it should be.
 

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I don't question her love. I know she loves me with all her heart.
That's wonderful if she really loves you, Mr. Stranger.

Anyway, I just gave this advice below in another thread, let me quote myself again, hopefully it will be useful to you.

Here in my country, women are mostly thinking like this: Orgasm is not that much important for them, but the feeling of being loved, needed and adored, and being able to give pleasure for their spouses is what they aim for. I am not saying that this way of thinking is superior or inferior, I am just stating what I know from my own experience being a native-born citizen of my country.

The problem with Western people is (CMIIW) there is this way of thinking that, if a man is unable to make his woman orgasm, then he is a bad lover, useless in bed.

What is worse, Western men might be imagining that this inability to give their women orgasm will one day being used as an excuse by their women to withholding sex with them("You're not giving me pleasure anyway so why should I give you sex?"). This is (maybe) what's going on Western men's head head.

From what you wrote, it seems like she does not put orgasm above the intimacy. Seems like she cherish the feeling of being loved, wanted, needed and adored, not really the orgasm itself. Have you asked her, does she appreciate the efforts you are making to give her orgasm? To some women, the efforts itself are more important than the end result, because the fact that you're making efforts is a sure sign of your love.
 

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Suggested reading for both of you...


Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, Nicole Daedone
 

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The Stranger, I'm curious hoe many partners have you had prior to your wife? And have you ever had the 'orgasm' discussion with any of them.
 

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First of all, I think your attitude towards her orgasms is coming off as a little selfish. Really.

First off, take a moment to appreciate the fact that she has been having sans orgasm sex with you all these years. Many women would have closed up shop. So you should believe her when she says she gets something out of it, even if it isn't an orgasm.

An orgasm, to be honest, is her business. You shouldn't get to feel bad and in turn make her feel bad that she's not having one. As you've said, that leads to her faking simply because she knows how upset it makes you.

That's a problem. It shouldn't be about you. Her orgasm is for HER. So now she feels bad about herself and her body's reactions simply to spare your feelings/ego.

I understand this is important to you but different people get different things out of sex. And you can NOT project what is important for you onto what is important for HER.

That's not fair.

If she keeps trying to orgasm just so you don't get upset, it's never gonna happen.

I understand you want to bring her pleasure but you really have to stop projecting your definition of pleasure onto her. Women don't have to orgasm to enjoy sex.
 
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