Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 38 of 38 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #21
I didn't go into great detail with my wife about the kisses and emojis because she let me know that she had already been told by the AP's husband - and that he sent her a print out of all our emails... She knows that divorce plans were discussed... She knows the OW passed a polygraph concerning intercourse... She and I have changed all emails and phone numbers and we closed all social media accounts... T had and has full control of our finances... The no-contact letters were sent by both parties ... T wrote mine and by the tone I'd say she wrote her own... Ministers and family members know and everyone agrees that I am an ass...

I guess I am done.

btw, per our agreement she reads what I write here...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,678 Posts
I know that this process of earning her trust back will take the rest of my life...

I am not sure if it will work... But I am willing to try my best...

I really didn't appreciate T until now... She will get my best from here on out... (as long she wants me around)

She knows of the plans we had... She was furious... She gave me an ultimatum along with a last chance...

She is stronger and braver and more determined than any other person I have ever known.

I feel guilt and shame every time she is kind to me... She lets me know she forgets nothing... and yet she still wants me around...

I am seriously blessed and fortunate... I married a great woman... I see that now...

I appreciate the feedback... The reality checks... Even the harsh ones...

I believe I have learned (and will continue to learn) my lesson on faithfulness...

I will let you know if something changes... But for now I have more hope for my marriage than before I came to this group.

I chose the name 'Ozymandius' because my kingdom too was destroyed (not by time but by my own actions) but where there is love there is hope...
Do you love your wife? From your description it makes is seem like you love her as a friend? Does SHE know this? Is she willing to settle for this? If she doesn't you should tell her, she deserves to know. It's hard for me to think someone would really be willing to settle to a life without any romantic love.

Also if you read here and other places then you know that WS almost always lie, it's their MO and they are good at it. Even if they don't think they are lying their perspective is usually ****ed up when they cheat on their spouse. It's helps them cheat.

Saying their husband is abusive is the number one go to of women who cheat. Often times the truth is these women are crappy spouses with poor boundaries and the spouse is desperately trying to keep them from ****ing other men. Granting the spouse may be misguided but it doesn't mean they are abusive. Most of the time it's the ******* cheater that is abusive.

If your wife reads on here, Mrs. O maybe you should post. We should talk. Are you sure you want to quickly jump back with a man who describes you as only his best friend?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,717 Posts
I didn't go into great detail with my wife about the kisses and emojis because she let me know that she had already been told by the AP's husband - and that he sent her a print out of all our emails... She knows that divorce plans were discussed... She knows the OW passed a polygraph concerning intercourse... She and I have changed all emails and phone numbers and we closed all social media accounts... T had and has full control of our finances... The no-contact letters were sent by both parties ... T wrote mine and by the tone I'd say she wrote her own... Ministers and family members know and everyone agrees that I am an ass...

I guess I am done.

btw, per our agreement she reads what I write here...
OK, with all this new information, I have no beef with you.

You sound remorseful, and you have done everything in your power to clear the air with your wife.

I hope you will be able to fully reconcile, and that in spite of your bad decision your marriage will be even stronger than it was before. If you continue to face your own weaknesses and fix them, and since your wife has a huge heart, your marriage can thrive.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
42,484 Posts
@Ozymandius

As dire as things seem right now, there is actually a lot that you both can do to turn your marriage into a much better relationship than it ever has been. You, like a lot of people have let your relationship get stale by not doing the things all along that are needed to keep nurture a good relationship.

Stop beating yourself up for your affair. Yea, it was wrong. But really what purpose does self flagellation serve except to make you and everyone else around you miserable. Instead put your energy into rebuilding your relationship.. maybe even into building it into something better than you every had before.

There are two books that I think will help you and your wife move beyond the sad place you are at right now: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" . Read them in that order. It's best if the two of you read them at the same time so you can discuss them and do the work that they say to do.

You two have 100% over fixing your relationship and getting beyond the affair.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #26
I appreciate all the comments...

T knew we married as best friends... Our love (my love) has grown over the last fifteen years...

When I first 'came clean' I did hold some things back... She was angry and disgusted with me... She was also angry with the OW for 'stalking' me... I asked if I should sleep in one of the guest rooms ... She said no... I slept with one eye open that night... Next morning she made me breakfast and we went and got me a new phone and she spent some time cleaning up and linking our computers.

after she read my intro she sat me down and explained how much she knew... She still loves me anyway...

She has helped me through two bouts of severe depression... As a friend shortly after my daughter died... And again last year with being pushed out at work and my best buddy 'Shep' died from bone cancer...

I have found new love and respect for this woman and more every day...

She said she is glad I am no longer 'stressed out and checked out' at home... She likes the attention I am ravishing on her...

I think we just might make it ... And better than before...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #27 (Edited)
Also, now that I am semi-retired... She says she likes having me around (and she knows where I am at all times)

We are having fun together again... Lovers again... Not just friends anymore...

I see new reasons to be excited for our marriage every single day...


My VA support group and i are planning vengeance on the OW's husband...

I am kidding...��

I have more love and appreciation for my wife than I have had in years...

I will get and read those two books... and continue to work in my counselling group
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
45 Posts
btw, per our agreement she reads what I write here...
At first glance that sounds quite noble of you. However, on reflection, are you using this thread as a way to manipulate or sway her? Be careful with that ... writing with her as the audience it might be tainting your authenticity. You really should be here so you can talk freely and genuinely about your own thoughts and feelings.

Nonetheless, I do wish you well in you attempts to reconcile - truly if she is as you say she is, she is a woman of great value and stature. She deserves better than the **** you have dished out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,717 Posts
Also, now that I am semi-retired... She says she likes having me around (and she knows where I am at all times)

We are having fun together again... Lovers again... Not just friends anymore...

I see new reasons to be excited for our marriage every single day...


My VA support group and i are planning vengeance on the OW's husband...

I am kidding.
..��

I have more love and appreciation for my wife than I have had in years...

I will get and read those two books... and continue to work in my counselling group
I missed the bolded part.

Why would you, the AP have any legitimate reason or right to get even with your AP's husband? He should have beaten the crap out of you, and you would have deserved it. Yes, she stalked and persistently pursued you, but it was not his fault, it was hers...and yours.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
565 Posts
My reply...

1) I know I was unfaithful to my wife... and I am the only one to blame
2) T has been contacted by the angry spouse and told everything...
3) we have been on the brink of divorce twice before due to my psychological issues (which now includes infidelity and deceit)
4) my PTSD and my affair and other issues are being addressed in psychological counselling...
5) the EA never went past hugs and a couple of kisses... Guilt and shame kept it from proceeding further...
6) the OW claimed to be in an abusive relationship... then when confronted with our communication decided to remain with her husband... my marriage was distant... but not terrible (until I wandered)
7) I told the OW that she had to get away from her abuser... She was angry when I said I was going to try to work it out with my wife...
8) every day that passes I feel more ridiculous and ashamed about the emotional affair...
9) I came here for a reality-check on my behavior... So, thanks for the truth.
10) it is obvious to me that I didn't appreciate/deserve my wife... I had caused the distance between us...
11) I don't know why she wants to work this out with me... every passing day I am more amazed by her grace and forgiveness...
12) I offered to move out and give her everything... She told me she wanted me to stay and work it out...
13) I removed all passwords in my phone and computer... No contact apps either
12) we both closed all social media accounts...
13) after lurking here for a couple of weeks and then this introduction... I have noticed a significant reduction in my desire to contact the OW. I am grateful.
14) there has been no contact of any kind by either side... I see my wife with new eyes... and I obviously was not the man the OW thought I was...
15) my wife is plan A from now on... She chooses to believe me... and I choose to accept her forgiveness on her terms...
16) this still could blow up in my face... not because of new information... But because T decides I am not worth the trouble anymore ...
17) I am forever changed by this failure on my part to keep the commitments I made 16 years ago... and if I lose my wife... the loss will be greater since I now see her worth... but I will know that I chose to throw it all away...

Sometimes we don't know what we have till it's gone (or almost gone)
It is all well and good to hand over your passwords and say 'I take full responsibility' but what are you doing to address the core issues that led you to this behavior? You 'are forever changed'? How so? And viewing your wife differently does not mean you are forever changed, it just means you appreciate her more. Has this touched your soul? Has it changed your character? Are you willing to look inward at your past not only understand this but also work to change it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #32
I am in counselling over this situation and my psychologist is just as hard-assed as most of you here... I am doing my reading and other homework... I am on this and another board as part of my process to grow past this failure of my basic character....

I don't know how it will end... I hope for continued support from my wife and friends... Some have written me off... T hasn't yet... Time will tell...
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,671 Posts
I am in counselling over this situation and my psychologist is just as hard-assed as most of you here... I am doing my reading and other homework... I am on this and another board as part of my process to grow past this failure of my basic character....

I don't know how it will end... I hope for continued support from my wife and friends... Some have written me off... T hasn't yet... Time will tell...
The fact that she is there still, is a super good sign. She is a good women I think.

Please don't be stupid about anything. It is actually quite freeing to say to the world, I am a moron, my wife still loves me, I am a lucky man.

Keep up the work...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #34
And... I apologize for my smart-ass joke about the OM...

I do not blame him at all (I did a little when I was convinced by his wife that he abused her...)

Now I doubt that part of her story (I am coming to doubt most of what she told me)

I think he handled the mess I made better than I would have...

Stupid comments are a fall-back weakness I go to when I feel overwhelmed...

I am now 2 weeks with zero contact (from either side) and I think I have survived the worst of the withdrawal... Focusing on loving T has helped tremendously... And I have a tool from my therapist... When my thoughts wander back to the addiction ... I pretend I am holding a remote and I tell myself to "Change the channel" and I get hold of my thoughts before they get hold of me...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,283 Posts
Well hopefully you will finally grow up and will keep your vows and promises and behave responsibility and with integrity. You seem to have no boundaries at all with the opposite sex, so how about you make some? Otherwise you will end up as one of those serial divorcees. I suspect that if this hadn't been discovered it would still be going on, and of course its easy to be sorry when you have been caught.

Oh, and surely you know that everyone who cheats will complain and lie about their spouse? Its what they do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #36
I was the BS in my first marriage... I did everything wrong to try to save that marriage... But it was 1996 and the internet was slow and useless... Also, I failed to follow any good advice I was given...

But I do agree with setting strong boundaries in my marriage... This EA started with too much communication and then concern for another man's wife's health...then marriage... then infatuation... onto betrayal of my wife's trust...

So, I have and will have no female friends. And no contact with other women except when my wife is present. No more flirting except with my wife...

If the EA hadn't been discovered when it was it would have fallen apart sooner than later because of the difference in the way we saw her situation... I wanted her out of her 'abusive' marriage... She wanted excitement and adoration to continue no matter what... she saw her situation far less dangerous than I did. Confused the hell out of me... Cracks were developing... I couldn't believe some of her answers to my concerns...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
565 Posts
Stupid comments are a fall-back weakness I go to when I feel overwhelmed...
That is good insight. Self-awareness is always positive.

And I have a tool from my therapist... When my thoughts wander back to the addiction ... I pretend I am holding a remote and I tell myself to "Change the channel" and I get hold of my thoughts before they get hold of me...
It starts with learning to control your thoughts, when you change them you could try and think of a good memory with T or your daughter. Something that makes you feel happy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,442 Posts
And... I apologize for my smart-ass joke about the OM...

I do not blame him at all (I did a little when I was convinced by his wife that he abused her...)

Now I doubt that part of her story (I am coming to doubt most of what she told me)

I think he handled the mess I made better than I would have...

Stupid comments are a fall-back weakness I go to when I feel overwhelmed...

I am now 2 weeks with zero contact (from either side) and I think I have survived the worst of the withdrawal... Focusing on loving T has helped tremendously... And I have a tool from my therapist... When my thoughts wander back to the addiction ... I pretend I am holding a remote and I tell myself to "Change the channel" and I get hold of my thoughts before they get hold of me...
The taboo of it, the feeling desired, the imagined sexual novelty.....an affair....man it gives you a jacked UP feeling that only illegal drugs can top. You will need to learn/communicate what you need to experience some of that in your marriage. It's work but you won't be tsunami'd by endorphins next time if you are already experiencing them at home on some level.
 
21 - 38 of 38 Posts
Top