[Dormatte]

I don't want this to sound harsh, but at 48, finding a good man isn't the easiest. You might consider re-engaging with this man and trying to figure things out. This may be new for him to. So, maybe figure it out together.

Also, at 48, maybe your partying days should be (somewhat) behind you?

There's nothing to "fix" together or work out.

You don't want children of any sorts, you are entitled to your decision.

Don't let people make you feel awful for your choice.


Don't listen to some advice on here.

Some advice are from "pick me's".

Tolerating unhappiness in exchange for a relationship and man...is not it.

Don't listen to this.

This is toxic advice.


You can be a party goger at any age..if you choose to.

No you should not be reengaging in a situation in which you don't genuinely want to be in.

No you shouldn't settle for anything and anybody because you want to be in a relationship.

It may or may not be easy for you to find a more suitable partner. Regardless of age.


Regardless of age, there are a lot of good men out there.

You can find good men, and men without children at any age.

Date men without children, don't stay.



Stop with the ageism.

 

[TXTrini]

Hello

I'm 48 have no children and I ended a 2 month relationship with my ex and feeling sad. We had that spark and connection which is hard to find but he had full custody of his 5 year daughter and it was getting stressful for me. Probably sounding selfish but I don't mean to be. I had a good talk with him and told him the way I was feeling and he understood and he's a very good Dad and I respect him for that. Part of me is thinking did I do the right thing as we had that spark/connection? Then I say well if I wasn't happy with the situation it was for the best. I thought can I really be a stepmum figure to the little girl and found it stressful. Feeling sad as he's a good, kind man and we're friends.

Joanne

How well can you truly know someone in 2 months? It's not easy to be in a relationship with a parent as a childfree person unless you're both willing to make a LOT of sacrifices. You'll never be first with them, you'll always be expected to tolerate last-minute changes, obnoxious behavior (got to love it if you heard "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mommy/daddy") and suck it up.

Look, you made your choice, he has no choice but to put his kid first. Next time, don't date anyone with kids that young, and please don't keep him as a backup plan for "just in case". You both deserve people who will accept who you as you are. There's no shame in not being able to deal with kids, you're child-free for a reason.

 

[Openminded]

And keep in mind that even if the next guy has adult children you might not be thrilled with that either. Be careful in getting too attached too soon. Observe the dynamics of that first before you jump in because he’s not likely to change.

 

[Joanne48]

Just to say thanks everyone for your help and kindness - have enjoyed reading all the replies and thanks again

 

[ArthurGPym]

Your ex is going to have a tough row to hoe. Being a single dad is hard, and doubly hard looking for a companion who is willing to be a mother to his child. There are very few women out there today who want that kind of relationship.

You did what you had to do for your own happiness and sanity. I doubt he will hold any grudge against you.

 

[Frithy]

It takes a truly special kind of person to be ugly to a stranger for absolutely no reason. I guess your self esteem must be in the toilet, next to your character.

Possibly. After I wrote it out and looked at it, I also thought it was quite intense. The basic point being made has merit, but I really went overboard in making it a personal attack. Maybe it reflects something going on in my own life or some news I read or some such. In any event, it definitely wasn't an appropriate response to the poster.

Ah, I got it. I had just read a bunch of threads with older women encouraging young women to destroy their relationships over frivolous issues, really just a bunch of threads of truly terrible advice for young women. All of that nonsense was weighing on my mind and frustrating me when I came and saw this post and vented. I was just swept up in the potentially misplaced emotion that this woman and those advocating the destruction of marriages were fundamentally the same.

 

[frusdil]

Hello

I'm 48 have no children and I ended a 2 month relationship with my ex and feeling sad. We had that spark and connection which is hard to find but he had full custody of his 5 year daughter and it was getting stressful for me. Probably sounding selfish but I don't mean to be. I had a good talk with him and told him the way I was feeling and he understood and he's a very good Dad and I respect him for that. Part of me is thinking did I do the right thing as we had that spark/connection? Then I say well if I wasn't happy with the situation it was for the best. I thought can I really be a stepmum figure to the little girl and found it stressful. Feeling sad as he's a good, kind man and we're friends.

Joanne

I think you did the right thing OP. Step parenting is a tough gig, and not for the faint of heart. I don't know why you don't have children, whether it was by choice (absolutely nothing wrong with that) or not, but either way, I don't know many people who would want to be step parent to a 5yo at that age.

Of course you can go out for coffee or drinks in the evening, you just can't do it spontaneously, you need to plan ahead. Is that an issue for you?

I personally think you made the right decision for everyone, especially the child, who didn't ask for any of it xx

 

[frusdil]

Possibly. After I wrote it out and looked at it, I also thought it was quite intense. The basic point being made has merit, but I really went overboard in making it a personal attack. Maybe it reflects something going on in my own life or some news I read or some such. In any event, it definitely wasn't an appropriate response to the poster.

It has no merit at all. It is cruel. I am a woman who has no biological children and let me tell you, it is not because I was too busy building my career - even if I was, so what? I was never lucky enough to be blessed with my own children and there is a permanent ache in my heart because of it. I am a mother through and through, it's all I ever wanted.

 

[EleGirl]

Possibly. After I wrote it out and looked at it, I also thought it was quite intense. The basic point being made has merit, but I really went overboard in making it a personal attack. Maybe it reflects something going on in my own life or some news I read or some such. In any event, it definitely wasn't an appropriate response to the poster.

Ah, I got it. I had just read a bunch of threads with older women encouraging young women to destroy their relationships over frivolous issues, really just a bunch of threads of truly terrible advice for young women. All of that nonsense was weighing on my mind and frustrating me when I came and saw this post and vented. I was just swept up in the potentially misplaced emotion that this woman and those advocating the destruction of marriages were fundamentally the same.

I deleted your post attacking Joanne48. You have no idea of her life before this one situation she's posting about here.

 

[Frithy]

It has no merit at all. It is cruel. I am a woman who has no biological children and let me tell you, it is not because I was too busy building my career - even if I was, so what? I was never lucky enough to be blessed with my own children and there is a permanent ache in my heart because of it. I am a mother through and through, it's all I ever wanted.

So what? So everything. The whole purpose for any organism to exist is to reproduce. If a person spends its entire life pursuing something that not only doesn't benefit that goal but even hurts it, that person is in the strictest biological sense unfit to live. If the behaviour that afflicted the person was LEARNT, that's just a tragedy and we as a species should try to make a point of showing why that mentality is not just wrong but even detrimental to survival.

Look, if someone has some infirmity that prevents them from having kids, that's sad. I have no bad feelings for them at all, only empathy. If the person chose that though? They need to be called out and it needs to be shown that their choices were wrong and shouldn't be copied by others. If you're religious, every religion commands the people to be fruitful and multiply. If you're a Darwinist, biology dictates the same.

I deleted your post attacking Joanne48. You have no idea of her life before this one situation she's posting about here.

Thank you, I appreciate it. It wasn't my most flattering moment.

 

[Diana7]

So what? So everything. The whole purpose for any organism to exist is to reproduce. If a person spends its entire life pursuing something that not only doesn't benefit that goal but even hurts it, that person is in the strictest biological sense unfit to live. If the behaviour that afflicted the person was LEARNT, that's just a tragedy and we as a species should try to make a point of showing why that mentality is not just wrong but even detrimental to survival.

Look, if someone has some infirmity that prevents them from having kids, that's sad. I have no bad feelings for them at all, only empathy. If the person chose that though? They need to be called out and it needs to be shown that their choices were wrong and shouldn't be copied by others. If you're religious, every religion commands the people to be fruitful and multiply. If you're a Darwinist, biology dictates the same.



Thank you, I appreciate it. It wasn't my most flattering moment.

To be honest there are vastly too many people in the world right now so a small percentage not having children hardly matters.
I always wanted children and had three, but I have no issues at all with people who decide having children isn't for them.

.

 

[Diana7]

The most important thing here is that little girl needs a step mummy who loves her and cares about her.
I believe he will find someone who will do that, maybe a lady with a child or children if her own.

 

[TXTrini]

Possibly. After I wrote it out and looked at it, I also thought it was quite intense. The basic point being made has merit, but I really went overboard in making it a personal attack. Maybe it reflects something going on in my own life or some news I read or some such. In any event, it definitely wasn't an appropriate response to the poster.

Ah, I got it. I had just read a bunch of threads with older women encouraging young women to destroy their relationships over frivolous issues, really just a bunch of threads of truly terrible advice for young women. All of that nonsense was weighing on my mind and frustrating me when I came and saw this post and vented. I was just swept up in the potentially misplaced emotion that this woman and those advocating the destruction of marriages were fundamentally the same.

Most people tend to post either with something helpful to the OP or words of encouragement.or have the decency to keep inappropriate thoughts in their minds. I read your situation. So I understand you aren't most people, it seems you haven't changed all that much.

I'm sorry you feel the need to lash out at people in your own pain, but that doesn't exactly win you any support if you're in the position to need some again. Anyway, how about starting your own thread if you feel like expressing your views of the world instead if hijacking Joanne's thread?

 

[Mystic Moon]

My son lived with my ex (his dad was his hero, and even though i had full custody, I allowed it because it made my son happy) when the ex started dating a woman who made it clear she never wanted kids. They got married after a few years. My son started having behavioral issues, and was acting out in very bad ways. They medicated him for ADHD (which he did not have) without my knowledge or permission. I went ballistic when I found out.

About the same time my son asked if he could move back in with me. Of course I said yes, but made it clear it would be permanent, and he could not bounce back and forth between parents. We took him off the ADHD medication (titrating his dose down with adoctors help). His dad turned his back on him, except to criticize or belittle him, or trash talk me.
Long story short, my (now adult) son despises his father (for VERY good reasons) and refuses to have any contact with him.

If someone doesn't want children, they should NEVER date a parent. The kid(s) are usually the ones who pay the ultimate price because the adults put their selfish wants over the child's needs!

Thankfully in the OPs case things ended after 2 months, before the child was emotionally attached, and left feeling confused abs abandoned.