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Hello

I'm 48 have no children and I ended a 2 month relationship with my ex and feeling sad. We had that spark and connection which is hard to find but he had full custody of his 5 year daughter and it was getting stressful for me. Probably sounding selfish but I don't mean to be. I had a good talk with him and told him the way I was feeling and he understood and he's a very good Dad and I respect him for that. Part of me is thinking did I do the right thing as we had that spark/connection? Then I say well if I wasn't happy with the situation it was for the best. I thought can I really be a stepmum figure to the little girl and found it stressful. Feeling sad as he's a good, kind man and we're friends.

Joanne
 

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I ended a 2 month relationship
Two months is not a relationship. That's not even sufficient time to start to know a person. But, yes, is your prerogative to say no "children". The thing is at 48 by now you should have known that you don't want children, nor can handle them, so why did you even started anything with a dad that has a full time child, regardless of the attraction?
 

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Me and her Dad hadn't much quality time together, if we wanted to go up the town for a coffee/glass of wine in the evening we couldn't
Impossible to imagine that point being stressful.

There's a new concept of a brand new service for parents now, called babysitters.
 

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Two months is not a relationship. That's not even sufficient time to start to know a person. But, yes, is your prerogative to say no "children". The thing is at 48 by now you should have known that you don't want children, nor can handle them, so why did you even started anything with a dad that has a full time child, regardless of the attraction?
The girl's mother did share her for the first few weeks but she has lots of problems and he's had full custody of her alot and I believe it will be permanent
 

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Well yes that's part of having a child but you surely could have had many evenings together at his home?
Yes, but the issue here is that at 48 and no children, and per her own admission of:

I thought can I really be a stepmum figure to the little girl and found it stressful.
It's obvious that she's not cut to deal with children, and shouldn't be getting involved with men that have children. That's the main main point as I see it per her OP.
 

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It ain't over till both of you say it is over.
And stick to your 'gums'.

You say, you two are still friends.
Does that mean with occasional benefits?

If so, that makes the break-up harder.

Just know, in five years the child problem will get much better.

I do understand, little kids are very demanding and very loud.

I would stay casual friends with him....just in case.

Good partners are hard to find.

Quality partners are rare.
Quality partners, who are childless, are even harder to find and hold.

It is a numbers game as we age.
 
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I think you absolutely did the right thing.

if you don’t want to be an InstaMom to a 5 year old, then you should not be entering into any kind of domestic relationship with someone who has fulltime custody.

Now does the fact that you don’t want to move in with and set up house with a 5 year old mean that you can’t have a date night and get out of the house for a night out at time that he does not her? No, you’re a gown ass adult and can do whatever you want.

But I can’t think of anything I would rather do LESS than move in with someone that has a 5 year old full time.

If you don’t want to be an Instamom, then do not go there.

The reason every classic childhood story features an evil stepmother as the villain is because in days of yore whenever a young mother died of complications following childbirth (which happened a lot), any available single woman in the village was compelled to step in and raise the child whether she wanted to or felt any connection to that child or not.

The result was bitter and even abusive stepmothers raising children.

Don’t be Cruelella.
 

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I believe that if you meet “The One” you adapt to situations or traits that you may not have planned for or even thought of, because that’s what you do when you can’t picture yourself without that person. You made the right choice if you don’t see yourself raising a 5 year old. Of course you’re sad because you liked him, but not enough to make that level of sacrifice, so just be sad for a bit and then you’ll meet someone else :) Or, maybe you’ll remain friends and realize you don’t want to live without him and you’ll decide you can go the kid route after all. There’s no right or wrong.
 

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Hello

I'm 48 have no children and I ended a 2 month relationship with my ex and feeling sad. We had that spark and connection which is hard to find but he had full custody of his 5 year daughter and it was getting stressful for me. Probably sounding selfish but I don't mean to be. I had a good talk with him and told him the way I was feeling and he understood and he's a very good Dad and I respect him for that. Part of me is thinking did I do the right thing as we had that spark/connection? Then I say well if I wasn't happy with the situation it was for the best. I thought can I really be a stepmum figure to the little girl and found it stressful. Feeling sad as he's a good, kind man and we're friends.

Joanne

In the future, don't date men with children.

That seems like it's a huge deal breaker for you, so don't do that in the future.


Regardless of what society falsely claim...

There are plenty of people without children in the world, that you can find the remainder of your life.


You two were incompatible.


He has a child. Unless he is planning to ditch his child, he is a parent for life.

If there is another active, highly involved person, they will co-parent the remainder of their lives, regardless of the age of the child.

Parenting doesn't stop.


You dated him thinking that you could "will" the child away somehow..and that somehow you could have a progressive healthy relationship with him and wouldn't have to deal with the child much or at all.


That somehow you'd take priority over his child.


Date someone without children from now on.

Also, you two were in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship.

2 months is too soon to speak and know of a great relationship.

You don't even know if he is a good father or not.


If you've met his child already, he definitely isn't a good father... currently in his life.

2 months isn't and shouldn't be the determining factor of "the one".



Don't date people with children.

It doesn't seem to be your "thing".

The breakup was for the best.

I wouldn't advise you two to remain in further contact. I highly advise ending things permanently.


No "friendship".


You and him would likely become extremely codependent and get back together...highly aware that it wouldn't work.


It would be miserable for all involved.


Especially if you, him, or the both of you are lonely and desperate for companionship.

Also, you can't have a healthy friendship without seeing each other. It will still be the same, there will be no time or very little. His child comes before you.



Don't do it

Leave each other alone.

His child is in his life forever, regardless.


This is just a case of two desperately lonely incompatible people who are trying to "force" things.

He may also just wanted you around to fully parent... because maybe he doesn't want that responsibility solely or at all anymore. He may wanted someone he could stick with the kid so that he can go out on his own...and do whatever.



Also this guy isn't a good friend. He's not a friend.

You two don't have an established friendship.

You two had a budding friendship.


Both of you need individual therapy and learn how to love yourself and respect.

You're trying to mold, adapt, and settle for something that you don't want genuinely, just to have a man. A relationship.


The man is trying to impose, mold, adapt, and settle for something that he doesn't want genuinely, just to have a woman. A relationship. Someone to take all, some, or most of the responsibility on of his child.

This is why the both of you are keeping each other around.

Both of you are intending to settle if each "ideal" relationship and person doesn't come along..

All the while forcing an innocent child to partake in this.
 

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And 5 year olds go to bed early.

Any parent with concern and good intentions for their child, shouldn't have recent potential romantic interests of 2 months in or around an environment in which their child currently is.

Especially their house. It doesn't matter if the child is sleeping or not.


No parent should "thrust" and intentionally set up the potentiality of exposing their child(ren) to strange men and women that they have decided to recently date.

They need to see where that relationship is headed, (long term hopefully) and make sure that one is healthy before even introducing their child.


Before even introducing that child, if there is another parent actively involved, the person with the child should set up a meeting to have the two meet. Out of respect for the parent and the child.

They need to know that there's someone that will be around their child, perhaps long term in the future.

The other parent doesn't have to like nor respect it ..just as long as they're informed.

Then a child should be slowly introduced to this new person..and slowly develop a good bond and relationship with this person..


Only if your (young) child approves, should you proceed with relationships.

If you need the approval of your older child and don't want to hinder your relationship with them, seek their approval first.


If done correctly with concern and care...it should take a while for a child to be introduced to a potential step parent.
 

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I don't want this to sound harsh, but at 48, finding a good man isn't the easiest. You might consider re-engaging with this man and trying to figure things out. This may be new for him to. So, maybe figure it out together.

Also, at 48, maybe your partying days should be (somewhat) behind you?
 
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