Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 30 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm almost 36 years old and just realized that all I ever really wanted to be was a wife and mother. I have had career desires as a child to be sure, but the most overwhelming and desired position I wanted in life was to be a full time stay at home mom. No job has ever held my attention. I have a hard time CARING about anybody's business or company. I care about my kids and my husband and my home. Is that so wrong? I know in theory that it's not, but gosh society has a way of making a lady feel so worthless...

My husband grew up with his mom being the main figure and provider of the family. She ruled and made the decisions. She was a school teacher in their native country. His dad did odd jobs and never really had a career. He's passive and easy going and lets MIL make all the decisions.

I guess my husband expects me to be a powerful, do-it-all superwoman type. Mind you, hubby's mom did have a housekeeper back in the days (part of that culture) so she didn't really do it all come to think of it. But for some reason my husband wants me to find FULL TIME high paying work and basically keep up with the Jones'.

This is not what I want at all. I want a simpler life. I want to be here for my family, and to nuture and take care of him. I wish my husband knew just how much better his life could be if he would just get on board.

Oh, and I work part-time and dh want to control all the money. Well tell me this: Why would I go to work a job, when I would rather be at home tending my family, come home, cook, clean, do laundry and then hand him my paycheque? What is in it for me????

Sorry, but I just had to vent...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,478 Posts
I can relate. My husband, children (family) and home are pretty much all I REALLY care about in this world.

I do work part-time from home and earn an income but I've enjoyed being a home-maker...very unfashionable these days and I'm selective who I tell this to.

I like my life!

Was any of this discussed before you got married?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,453 Posts
This sort of thing really does have to be discussed before marriage, OP. The only thing you can do is sit down with him and tell him what you've told us here.

Are you actually supporting your H? I don't understand the handing over of your pay cheque business, though. When one is married, IMO, there's no such thing as mine / yours, because any income goes towards supporting the family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
686 Posts
I would never just hand over my paycheck to my husband so that he could control my money.
Hell to the no.
My MIL did exactly that with my FIL until she asked him for money to buy shoes for their daughter & he said no, that she could just wear the ones she had outgrown.
Mind you he had no problem wasting money on his own flying lessons, using money that his wife earned.
It was that toxic financial household that my husband grew up in & it shaped his views on marriage & money, views that have been our biggest issues in our marriage.
He has since come around & is not so warped when it comes to finances & marriage, but it's been a long, often tumultuous journey.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Was any of this discussed before you got married?
No, this was not discussed before marriage. At 18 years old, I just didn't have enough sense/wisdom to discuss these things. However after I had my first child at 19 it became apparent how he wanted things to go. I kept having kids, and he kept getting mad with me for not working full time (or at all) despite having the kids. He has never, for a moment let me enjoy motherhood and being at home when the kids were little. It was always: "I'm tired of supporting you". :confused::(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,478 Posts
Lavender&Lace;1249009 It was always: "I'm tired of supporting you". :confused::([/QUOTE said:
Ouch!!

That's what marriage is all about IMO... supporting each other & being each others cheerleader.

I gather he simply means $$$.

You two seem to have very different ideas on love/marriage/childrearing.

Are there good aspects to the marriage?
What keeps you there?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,948 Posts
No, this was not discussed before marriage. At 18 years old, I just didn't have enough sense/wisdom to discuss these things. However after I had my first child at 19 it became apparent how he wanted things to go. I kept having kids, and he kept getting mad with me for not working full time (or at all) despite having the kids. He has never, for a moment let me enjoy motherhood and being at home when the kids were little. It was always: "I'm tired of supporting you". :confused::(
I would hate the man if he said that to me.

My father said that to me when I was young, and the next thing I did was quitting school and leaving home.

If I were you, I would learn a skill and find a good job, but I wouldn't let him touch my money. The next thing I would do is to divorce him. It is difficult for you to do it because you have kids.

I think some men don't appreciate the fact that having a wife at home makes a lot of things organized and easy. Keeping up with the Joneses only looks good on the surface.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I gather he simply means $$$.

You two seem to have very different ideas on love/marriage/childrearing.

Are there good aspects to the marriage?
What keeps you there?
Yes, he is refering to carrying the financial load of the family.

There are good aspects of the marriage. He is a good person deep down, and would do a lot for me, but I hate how in an argument these things come back to bite me. He brings up what's he's done, which is nothing more then the typical honorable husband and father does: PROVIDE FOR HIS FAMILY. He's say's I don't respect him enough and that I don't treat him like the "man of the house". I think this stems from his father issues (his father being weaker than the mom). However, I try to show him more respect until he blows up and says hurtful things and that makes it real hard for me to respect him.

What keeps me here, honestly is the kids. I do want to work out the marriage, as from what I understand marriages that ride out over thick and thin eventually settle and the couple learns to live at peace and the marriage gets better. However, I'm not getting any younger and frankly I want to live a happy life starting NOW.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I think some men don't appreciate the fact that having a wife at home makes a lot of things organized and easy. Keeping up with the Joneses only looks good on the surface.

AMEN to THAT!!! :smthumbup:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
tunera you are right. I'm a sucker for punishment. I have accepted this treatment and stay to "keep the family together". Honestly, I don't want to break up the marriage and family but at the same time, I want what I want, but I feel like it's not possible or ever going to happen for me. "it" being to be the full time wife and mother and not have him demean me or put me down about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I mean I do work part-time. Although "part-time" wound up being 75 hours for the last 2 week pay period. But, the house is a mess, I'm behind on everything, I feel out of touch with the kids' stuff, (homework, assignments etc). I have 4 kids all in school. I'm not a high energy person. I can't do a million things well. If I'm at work I'm doing it 100% but then I come home beat and no energy to give fully to my family. I just rush my family responsibilies and let some things go by the wayside. DH asked me today when he came home: "what's going on with the laundry?" meaning the big mountain of dirty clothes...I said "nothing" I mean seriously that pissed me off...I can't do it all and I won't!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
81 Posts
I think you have to make him honestly defend what he's saying to you. By honestly, I get the sense he's not owning up to some deep seated insecurity. Such as, he may not feel deep down that he can carry the financial load by himself. Meaning, he may actually be afraid of what would happen if he lost his job and didn't have your paycheque as a backup plan.

Of course I'm speculating on what's going on in his head, but I'll bet there is a true insecurity at the bottom of it.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
115 Posts
Need communication.
There are differences in upbringing that will determine each person's expectations of the other.

This course: What is The Marriage Course? | Relationship Central helped my wife and I understand a little more of our personal baggage brought into the marriage even though neither of us had previous long term relationships with anyone else. And even then we were surprised to see how we needed to communicate and agree on a number of aspects that affected our married life. This is but one of them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
253 Posts
Make a chart of all the things that need to get done at home and with the kids for the week. Since you both will be working equal hours, split them 50/50. I started with "which toilet do you want to clean?"

I work part-time...all is good. Like you, I can't be superwoman, but I did have the insight when I married of what I wanted and clearly communicated this with my H. I now work while the kids are in school, but after school, they have many activities and I drive them all over he** and high water which means that I get home after my H, hence the discussion about toilets.

If he thinks that he deserves respect as the "man of the house", then he needs to respect what you do for the family, and not in the maid capacity. I have a feeling that since he grew up with household help, he truly has no idea what it takes to keep the family on track. Next time he asks about the laundry, tell him "honey, I was waiting for you to come home so I can show you how to work the washing machine, so you can do your own laundry, since I won't have time since I'll be working."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,229 Posts
L & L,

He needs a sit down. I think I know what culture your husband is from and he will respect a strong woman so be one. Lay down your law. If you are going to work PT and be the Mom let him know he needs to get his a$$ in gear to lighten the load at home. Let him know that when he wants you to take on the full time Mom and maid duties is the day you will be giving up your PT job.

Do not let him pull that I support you crapp. I supported my SAHW for the first 15 years of our marriage and did a dang good job. I always thought that was my duty. My wife got educated and makes a boatload of money now and has pulled the "who makes the most money" line on me a couple times. The third time I let her know that if she kept up that tone I would be happy to leave and take half of your great salary.

Remind him your a team and he asked you to sign up (I presume).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I definitely want to do a sit down and hash it all out. I feel a little nervous that he is going to reject me and put me down for my feelings. Thanks for the input everyone I will certainly keep u all up to date. I'm getting ready for my evening shift (ugh). I hate not being here for the kids after school. :(
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,568 Posts
So what if he 'puts you down'? What are you, 10? You're an adult. Act like one. He can't 'hurt your feelings' if you know your own worth.

And you are a PARTNER - not a maid, not his mother, not his cook. He married you to be EQUAL. You need to start acting like it. You are teaching him how to treat you.
 
1 - 20 of 30 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top