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If you are supposed to stay in bed to rest what I am assuming is an incision then I would say, I cannot get up, you feed it/them please.
If you are recovering why is she asking you to do physical tasks?

Everyone is responding as if there is some long history and other posts you've made and they all seem familiar with your backstory. I am not.
If I am recovering from surgery I just say, I need to stay in bed you feed them. I'd probably say "you know I am recovering and need to stay in bed why are you even asking me to get up?"
You have to move around after surgery. Staying in bed is the worst thing you can do.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
Well, if you feel you have a legitimate gripe about her telling instead of asking, then first I suggest you start "doing" spontaneously instead of not doing and putting her in a position to have to remind or tell you. Beat her to it. Before she leaves or has time to assign your chore, tell her, I've already fed the cats this morning, or I took out the trash. Be proactive helping her if you don't want her to nag. What other choice does she have if you don't take responsibility to do these things yourself?

Once you've made that a habit, then see if that stops the nagging. If no, then you are in a better position (after you've done it without being asked for say 3 months) to sit her down and tell her how much effort you've made to stop the nagging but that it hasn't stopped it.

As far as why you failed to respond authentically, IMO, it's because you aren't in the right here. You are a grown man, not her child, so if you don't want to be treated like a child (which is a romance killer among other unhealthy things), then you've got to be just as much of a proactive adult at taking care of chores and responsibilities as she is, if you want to be on equal standing. So it's never to late to start. I think she's likely be so pleased for a whole month if you just did things and let her know you were doing them (without expecting a reward or praise -- because again, they're your responsibility too) without having to be instructed or nagged. Don't make a big deal of it, but just beat her to it. By now you know what she wants you to do, so do it before she can bring it up and let her know casually in passing, "Oh, the trash is emptied, the cat's been fed. Have a nice day."
In fact I am more proactive than her with chores and responsibilities, way more, but that’s not the point. And when I’ve done it all she finds one thing I didn’t do, yet. I think go for appeasement because I’m scared of the sheer trauma of splitting up. She’s very controlling with everyone and the only way she’s going to be happy is with somone who’s really Uber- controlling, and that’s not me. Telling me something needs doing is her passive aggressive way of asking.
 

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In fact I am more proactive than her with chores and responsibilities, way more, but that’s not the point. And when I’ve done it all she finds one thing I didn’t do, yet. I think go for appeasement because I’m scared of the sheer trauma of splitting up. She’s very controlling with everyone and the only way she’s going to be happy is with somone who’s really Uber- controlling, and that’s not me. Telling me something needs doing is her passive aggressive way of asking.
How long have you been married? Kids involved?

It's often said here, "you teach people how to treat you". So if you want to change the dynamic, you will have to change yourself, and then not let her be "Uber-controlling" with you anymore.

Oh, and telling you something needs done is not her passive aggressive way of asking. It is her way of telling. Passive aggressive would be setting the cat food out for you to find with a note "I'm hungry - the cat" stuck to it.
 

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Telling me something needs doing is her passive aggressive way of asking.
Ok so let’s say this is true... what’s wrong with it? Can’t you just take it as a questions and respond appropriately. After all you can’t change how other people think and speak.
 

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I think you are over simplifying it.

It would not be particularly cool with me if I always take out the trash and you tell me too or ask me too. Women call that controlling.
This is super interesting to me because I never thought in a million years this was a big deal. I personally think it’s our way to make sure it gets done or something. Like we always have a checklist in our head, and it’s like ok the trash isn’t out yet... honey your doing the trash right? Ok check.
 

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Never mind. Take what I say with a grain of salt because I’m pretty sure I’m on the spectrum. Because I get this all the time and it still doesn’t make sense to me.
 

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Yeah, but DBTR, isn't that just playing into the non communication thing.

I don't know about you, but I don't need to be told to take out the trash. If I forget, the sure you can ask, did you forget the trash?

But trying to preemptively pacifying her, that is kind of a lot to ask of adults????
I don’t think this is about pacifying. It is about doing his part around the house
 

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In fact I am more proactive than her with chores and responsibilities, way more, but that’s not the point. And when I’ve done it all she finds one thing I didn’t do, yet. I think go for appeasement because I’m scared of the sheer trauma of splitting up. She’s very controlling with everyone and the only way she’s going to be happy is with somone who’s really Uber- controlling, and that’s not me. Telling me something needs doing is her passive aggressive way of asking.
So if you're more proactive, how does she even have anything to tell you needs to be done? I'm not by any means saying YOU need to do it all, of course, but I mean, you both know the cats need to be fed. I assume you have a once or twice a day schedule, so why can't you just get a one-time agreement about which feeding each of you do? And then do it.
 
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Discussion Starter #31
So if you're more proactive, how does she even have anything to tell you needs to be done? I'm not by any means saying YOU need to do it all, of course, but I mean, you both know the cats need to be fed. I assume you have a once or twice a day schedule, so why can't you just get a one-time agreement about which feeding each of you do? And then do it.
Very good question. Answer: she is very opposed to be “the one who does x”, in the way of housework, and besides that she’s out or away a hell of a lot and I generally do everything other than cook delicious meals and ironing her clothes. Having said that I do feel she might be persuaded.
 

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I think go for appeasement because I’m scared of the sheer trauma of splitting up.
Sad. Just sad. If you haven't noticed, your wife doesn't respect you. Women don't respect men who play their hand out of fear rather than strength. Again, this is just plain ole' sad.
 

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Very good question. Answer: she is very opposed to be “the one who does x”, in the way of housework, and besides that she’s out or away a hell of a lot and I generally do everything other than cook delicious meals and ironing her clothes. Having said that I do feel she might be persuaded.
Well, if she's gone a lot and she's worrying about whether stuff gets done, you need to be more reassuring and vocal and let her know what you're going to do and that you've done it, I guess. Just try to beat her to it. She's dressing to leave, say, I'll feed the cat this morning and go to the store. After you feed the cat, tell her Just fed the cat. She sounds like she doesn't think she can trust you to do it on your own. And because your first post was making excuses why you're in bed, etc., she may have a point. Anyway, this is something you can fix, so start getting a step ahead of her and vocalizing your intent and what you did.
 

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There was a complaint the other day from a guy saying there would be things that happened or things he did (or didn't do) by accident, by mistake, or unintentionally, but his wife always accuses him of lying and doing things intentionally just to annoy her or to get on her nerves. He hated that she always accused him. He said it made him feel like she was calling him a jerk. The problem, little did he know, was that he's a very thoughtless and inconsiderate person. Even in the most obvious types of situations, he would fail to do the kinds of thoughtful things the average person would do. By now, his wife is so fed up that she can't even fathom that he ISN'T doing (or not doing) these things on purpose. I could just imagine her thinking "SURELY, a person would do this" or "Surely, a person would not do that." She gets no consideration, so she understandably feels he deliberately does (or not do) these things and would accuse him or call him a liar when he tried to explain what actually happened.

Do you get where I'm going with this?

Your wife communicates the way she communicates, but that doesn't mean she communicates the way she does just to annoy you. You get annoyed by it, but your annoyance wasn't her goal. There's no "design to irritate" you in mind. If you think about this and not rack your brain trying to figure out how to respond, you'll have fewer occasions of irritation, rather than blame her for your annoyance.

That whole scene was just the most ridiculous thing, especially when you consider that she could have had the cats fed in a lot less time than that exchange took. You tell us we don't know her, which was your way of saying some of the assessments or solutions that were offered didn't apply or wouldn't work. But what you don't get is that your wife is not your mother, yet you've acted like she was all these years. You've come to dread her reactions when you should have nipped that in the bud when it first began or at least by the second or third time. You don't appreciate the way she veils her commands as requests and then makes sure you answer the way she wants as if you are her child. I get that. But you've taken it and tried to adjust your responses to prevent her wrath. And now you don't know what to say and are afraid to respond genuinely.

As a result, you are as much at fault for your own annoyance and these insane exchanges as she is. I don't know how you can, at this late date, change this dynamic without causing animosity, but I suggest you do something before the two of you drive each other insane for real. You want to know how to be authentic? You sit your wife down and be authentic. Tell her how you feel. Let her know what you really don't like, and suggest how she could pose questions and requests differently. But, by no means, should you accuse her of deliberately trying to annoy you.
 

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I agree with @DownByTheRiver

Also, your Turing her Into mean mommy and your the child. And that is a terrible dynamic to be in.

I too would be resentful if I feel like you are taking advantage of the situation with your procedure. And when we are resentful sometimes our tone may not be nice and sometimes we are purposely not nice in our speech. This beats strangling you which is what she probably wants to do.
 

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Well, if she's gone a lot and she's worrying about whether stuff gets done, you need to be more reassuring and vocal and let her know what you're going to do and that you've done it, I guess. Just try to beat her to it. She's dressing to leave, say, I'll feed the cat this morning and go to the store. After you feed the cat, tell her Just fed the cat. She sounds like she doesn't think she can trust you to do it on your own. And because your first post was making excuses why you're in bed, etc., she may have a point. Anyway, this is something you can fix, so start getting a step ahead of her and vocalizing your intent and what you did.
I really disagree with this, Matador. If anything, you need to turn the tables on her and do the exact same things she does. Again, I'm saying you are not her child, but she treats you like one, and you keep letting her. Mothers leave instructions for their kids as they run out the door. Mothers remind their kids to do their chores or tell them to do things after they are already done. Mothers ask "Did you hear me?" when they know full well the kid heard them. This crap is demeaning. And you need to put a stop to it, rather than trying to appease her or trying to beat her to the punch of her demands. You've already been told women don't respect wimpy men. That's why you're going through this. Sit her down like I suggested and set her straight.
 

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There is a lot going on here. First off.. is her saying the cats need to be fed really a big deal? Is her intent to be a jerk? Or is this just how she talks. I talk like this, and it is not meant to be rude.

If this is just how she talks, then you need to take it with a grain of salt and let it go. But if you think she is purposely saying these things just to be rude to you, you need to figure out why. Is it because she thinks your lazy? Is it because she doesn't like you? Is it because she is trying to desrespect you? To me honest if I thought my SO was doing something on purpose to make me mad I would need to know why, and what I did to deserve such treatment. I personally don't know how you can be married to someone and not need to know these answers.
Then I winder, do you not want to know these answers because you don't care? You don't want confrontation, you just want "peace" which to me means you just want to be left alone.
 
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