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Discussion Starter #1
That old dilemma again. Keep the peace or call it out.
I'm at home recuperating after an unpleasant operation, self-isolating and pretty miserable.
My wife calls up as she goes out the front door "The cats need feeding."
She doesn't ask if I would feed them, she expresses the assumption that I will.
I call back down from my bed "OK", which is too non-committal obviously. (She wanted me to call down "Yes I'll feed them". I know I should have called down "Can you feed them when you get back?"
But I just said OK, and she calls back up "Hello?")
A bit confused I call down "Yeah hello!!"
"You there?" she calls.
"Of course I'm here!"
"I said the cats need feeding!"
Again I'm stuck for an answer.
She calls up "Can you feed them please" and although that sounds like a question, if I take it as a question I better get ready for 3 or 4 days of noisy emotional distress that nobody can deal with, especially not if they're ill. It will dive deep into how she was over-punished as a kid, she's missed out on her pipe dream of having babies due to leaving it too late, and more.
So I say of course I'll feed them.
The thing is we both feed them every day. It's just that right now I'm lying on a bed in discomfort and meant to be self isolating.
And I'm pretty sure she resents that. I'm no malingering, and I'm not saying she's accused me of that, but i can tell she hates the pressure of doing a but more to keep house, cook meals, clean up a bit.
So we've been civil to each other, mainly for a couple of months now, what with being cooped up at hime due to Covid, and I want cling on that fragile peace for as along as I can.
And when she alls up that the cats need feeding, as if just stating that should be enough for me to jump to it, I feel hurt and confused, and I know if I say something like "hey Pixie, I'd like it if you asked me rather than just assuming I would do it.." it would set off an avalanche tat would take us weeks to dig out of, if ever.
So the opportunity has gone. I should have not been confused, not been non-committal, just had the gravy to call back down "can you feed them when you get back?"
That would have started an alrighty meltdown too but at least I would have felt authentic.
How to say exactly the best thing at the time? I'm caught by surprise too often.
 

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If you can't communicate to her that you are in so much pain from surgery that you'd appreciate it if she fed the cats (and really, why the **** is she even asking you to do it) because of the **** storm that would ensue, IT IS TIME TO FREE YOURSELF FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP.

Like, yesterday.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
If you can't communicate to her that you are in so much pain from surgery that you'd appreciate it if she fed the cats (and really, why the ** is she even asking you to do it) because of the ** storm that would ensue, IT IS TIME TO FREE YOURSELF FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP.

Like, yesterday.
Probably right. Thing is she DIDN'T ask me - very clever - cos if she had asked my I'd have said no. It was the not offering a choice that kind of confused me, makes me feel foolish.
 

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Probably right. Thing is she DIDN'T ask me - very clever - cos if she had asked my I'd have said no. It was the not offering a choice that kind of confused me, makes me feel foolish.
This is foolishness... Of course she asked you. If this is HOW YOU communicate, the you may be some of the problem.

Like @Livvie said, either learn how to communicate, for real not this crap here, or end the relationship.

For my money, you kind of sound like a doormat if you are used to her doing these things to you.

You could have said, "I am not doing it, I don't feel well. You can do it or they can ****ing starve as far as I am concerned"...
 

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That sounds like way too much to have to think about and navigate after you've just had surgery. Hasn't she ever been down for the count and you picked up the slack? Might be time to remind her about that. Jeez.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
This is foolishness... Of course she asked you. If this is HOW YOU communicate, the you may be some of the problem.

Like @Livvie said, either learn how to communicate, for real not this crap here, or end the relationship.

For my money, you kind of sound like a doormat if you are used to her doing these things to you.

You could have said, "I am not doing it, I don't feel well. You can do it or they can ****ing starve as far as I am concerned"...
I agree, I am part of the problem, I doormat easily without realising it at the time. The clever thing is she knows I could feed the cats, as I’m meant to keep mobile to prevent DVT, just the way she said it seemed designed to irritate me without sounding too bad. I know her you don’t, I know the games she plays. But yeah it’s up to me, you’re right, I just need to remember at the time it happens.
 

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You’re incapacitated. Why can’t she feed them when she returns (unless she was going to be gone for days). And why didn’t you say you weren’t able to feed them while she was out (if that was the case).

If you’re hoping for her to change, that’s not likely.
 

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I think you're self-sabotaging if you are making a thing out of feeding the cats. As long as you can get up out of bed without endangering your operation, you shouldn't have to be told to do your part. Why sabotage the marriage over little things like this. I'm sure she's sick to death of feeling like she has to nag you to do the simplest thing. If your doctor doesn't have you confined to bed, and I imagine she knows if he does or not, then you are not confined to bed, so time to rejoin the living.
 

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I agree, I am part of the problem, I doormat easily without realising it at the time. The clever thing is she knows I could feed the cats, as I’m meant to keep mobile to prevent DVT, just the way she said it seemed designed to irritate me without sounding too bad. I know her you don’t, I know the games she plays. But yeah it’s up to me, you’re right, I just need to remember at the time it happens.
Listen, of course you know her and we don't.

But look at what your are writing here, the "Games" she is playing, "Designed to Irritate me", and stuff like this.

All of this sounds kind of like a passive aggressive nightmare. Maybe from both of you.

Is this how both of your minds work.

You know, either say what you mean and mean what you say, or shut the **** up.

Why do you want to be with someone where you communicate this way...
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I think you're self-sabotaging if you are making a thing out of feeding the cats. As long as you can get up out of bed without endangering your operation, you shouldn't have to be told to do your part. Why sabotage the marriage over little things like this. I'm sure she's sick to death of feeling like she has to nag you to do the simplest thing. If your doctor doesn't have you confined to bed, and I imagine she knows if he does or not, then you are not confined to bed, so time to rejoin the living.
Totally, and believe me I feed those cats more than she does, along most other household stuff, the question I have is why was I knocked off balance by her statement? Probably because I recognized as another sign of her never actually asking me to do anything. Always just presenting me with a need and expecting me to deal with it like I was just jangimgvaroundcwaitingvto be given instructions. And I failed again to respond authentically, why?
 

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Totally, and believe me I feed those cats more than she does, along most other household stuff, the question I have is why was I knocked off balance by her statement? Probably because I recognized as another sign of her never actually asking me to do anything. Always just presenting me with a need and expecting me to deal with it like I was just jangimgvaroundcwaitingvto be given instructions. And I failed again to respond authentically, why?
I think the question is even more simple... Why do you and her communicate, or rather not communicate, this way.

That is what I am seeing. I am not even saying it is your or her, but why the dynamic, which is not healthy.

And not to take anything from the above point which I think is really important...

But why did she say anything. If you are mobile, and you feed the cats on the regular, why say anything? Is it nagging, is it control, is it habit, what is it and why?
 

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That old dilemma again. Keep the peace or call it out.
I'm at home recuperating after an unpleasant operation, self-isolating and pretty miserable.
My wife calls up as she goes out the front door "The cats need feeding."
She doesn't ask if I would feed them, she expresses the assumption that I will.
I call back down from my bed "OK", which is too non-committal obviously. (She wanted me to call down "Yes I'll feed them". I know I should have called down "Can you feed them when you get back?"
But I just said OK, and she calls back up "Hello?")
A bit confused I call down "Yeah hello!!"
"You there?" she calls.
"Of course I'm here!"
"I said the cats need feeding!"
Again I'm stuck for an answer.
She calls up "Can you feed them please" and although that sounds like a question, if I take it as a question I better get ready for 3 or 4 days of noisy emotional distress that nobody can deal with, especially not if they're ill. It will dive deep into how she was over-punished as a kid, she's missed out on her pipe dream of having babies due to leaving it too late, and more.
So I say of course I'll feed them.
The thing is we both feed them every day. It's just that right now I'm lying on a bed in discomfort and meant to be self isolating.
And I'm pretty sure she resents that. I'm no malingering, and I'm not saying she's accused me of that, but i can tell she hates the pressure of doing a but more to keep house, cook meals, clean up a bit.
So we've been civil to each other, mainly for a couple of months now, what with being cooped up at hime due to Covid, and I want cling on that fragile peace for as along as I can.
And when she alls up that the cats need feeding, as if just stating that should be enough for me to jump to it, I feel hurt and confused, and I know if I say something like "hey Pixie, I'd like it if you asked me rather than just assuming I would do it.." it would set off an avalanche tat would take us weeks to dig out of, if ever.
So the opportunity has gone. I should have not been confused, not been non-committal, just had the gravy to call back down "can you feed them when you get back?"
That would have started an alrighty meltdown too but at least I would have felt authentic.
How to say exactly the best thing at the time? I'm caught by surprise too often.
If you are supposed to stay in bed to rest what I am assuming is an incision then I would say, I cannot get up, you feed it/them please.
If you are recovering why is she asking you to do physical tasks?

Everyone is responding as if there is some long history and other posts you've made and they all seem familiar with your backstory. I am not.
If I am recovering from surgery I just say, I need to stay in bed you feed them. I'd probably say "you know I am recovering and need to stay in bed why are you even asking me to get up?"
 

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Well, if you feel you have a legitimate gripe about her telling instead of asking, then first I suggest you start "doing" spontaneously instead of not doing and putting her in a position to have to remind or tell you. Beat her to it. Before she leaves or has time to assign your chore, tell her, I've already fed the cats this morning, or I took out the trash. Be proactive helping her if you don't want her to nag. What other choice does she have if you don't take responsibility to do these things yourself?

Once you've made that a habit, then see if that stops the nagging. If no, then you are in a better position (after you've done it without being asked for say 3 months) to sit her down and tell her how much effort you've made to stop the nagging but that it hasn't stopped it.

As far as why you failed to respond authentically, IMO, it's because you aren't in the right here. You are a grown man, not her child, so if you don't want to be treated like a child (which is a romance killer among other unhealthy things), then you've got to be just as much of a proactive adult at taking care of chores and responsibilities as she is, if you want to be on equal standing. So it's never to late to start. I think she's likely be so pleased for a whole month if you just did things and let her know you were doing them (without expecting a reward or praise -- because again, they're your responsibility too) without having to be instructed or nagged. Don't make a big deal of it, but just beat her to it. By now you know what she wants you to do, so do it before she can bring it up and let her know casually in passing, "Oh, the trash is emptied, the cat's been fed. Have a nice day."
 
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Well, if you feel you have a legitimate gripe about her telling instead of asking, then first I suggest you start "doing" spontaneously instead of not doing and putting her in a position to have to remind or tell you. Beat her to it. Before she leaves or has time to assign your chore, tell her, I've already fed the cats this morning, or I took out the trash. Be proactive helping her if you don't want her to nag. What other choice does she have if you don't take responsibility to do these things yourself?

Once you've made that a habit, then see if that stops the nagging. If no, then you are in a better position (after you've done it without being asked for say 3 months) to sit her down and tell her how much effort you've made to stop the nagging but that it hasn't stopped it.

As far as why you failed to respond authentically, IMO, it's because you aren't in the right here. You are a grown man, not her child, so if you don't want to be treated like a child (which is a romance killer among other unhealthy things), then you've got to be just as much of a proactive adult at taking care of chores and responsibilities as she is, if you want to be on equal standing. So it's never to late to start. I think she's likely be so pleased for a whole month if you just did things and let her know you were doing them (without expecting a reward or praise -- because again, they're your responsibility too) without having to be instructed or nagged. Don't make a big deal of it, but just beat her to it. By now you know what she wants you to do, so do it before she can bring it up and let her know casually in passing, "Oh, the trash is emptied, the cat's been fed. Have a nice day."
Yeah, but DBTR, isn't that just playing into the non communication thing.

I don't know about you, but I don't need to be told to take out the trash. If I forget, the sure you can ask, did you forget the trash?

But trying to preemptively pacifying her, that is kind of a lot to ask of adults????
 

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And I failed again to respond authentically, why?
My guess is fear of confrontation. Poorly learned skills during childhood. Passive-aggressive tendencies. Want to be seen as the innocent victim in the scenario.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you both get on each others nerves, don't like each other, and complain about petty crap like this rather than hitting the nail on the head and having authentic, adult conversations.

JMO.
 

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She is more clever and you lay down too easily. I have this image in my mind of those dogs you walk up to and they bow down and roll over in fear. You started out your message with your fear of her wrath..... It’s the tool she will use from now until your dead. That is unless you change the dynamics of course.
 

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She is more clever and you lay down too easily. I have this image in my mind of those dogs you walk up to and they bow down and roll over in fear. You started out your message with your fear of her wrath..... It’s the tool she will use from now until your dead. That is unless you change the dynamics of course.
I don't disagree, but... If this is really what is happening, why stay in the relationship?

What is really the point?
 

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I’m sorry but you sound super annoying. Get up and feed the cats because you said you would. It’s good for you to walk around after surgery. If you don’t want to feed the cats, tell her you can’t do it because you don’t feel well.

I don’t understand the problem. The way she asked/told you is not a big deal. You seem super super sensitive. You have way too much time on your hands if these are your issues... the way she asks questions.
 

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Yeah, but DBTR, isn't that just playing into the non communication thing.

I don't know about you, but I don't need to be told to take out the trash. If I forget, the sure you can ask, did you forget the trash?

But trying to preemptively pacifying her, that is kind of a lot to ask of adults????
She just wants to verify that something will get done, it’s really not a big deal.
 
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