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If you love them let them go right?

  • Damn right, you respect their decision and let them go. Even if you know you can fight for it.

    Votes: 5 16.7%
  • Fighting for a relationship is only applicable if both people are willing to do it.

    Votes: 23 76.7%
  • No, true love never gives up, no matter what. You have to fight for it.

    Votes: 2 6.7%
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Discussion Starter · #41 ·
In your case, you didn't have enough respect for her to let her make up her own mind whether to leave or keep working on it, to weigh her own priorities.
Didn't I? If I just let her go on about how she can't leave me despite the fact that she kept showing me how I'm not good enough how is that letting her make up her own mind?

As you said, you shut down. That's you. You didn't want to deal with it anymore. And that's fine, but don't spin it that it was an unselfish act for her. Although I do generally agree that if a person tells you anything that conveys he's not good enough for you, you should believe them. Because otherwise, they wouldn't be saying it.
Exactly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #42 ·
So why is that not a lesson to take forward? A lot of chemistry shattered your walls. And your world didn't end (even if it feels right now like it did). What about this whole process would make you say it wasn't worth it for a more compatible partner?
Maybe I'm just looking at the odds and getting disillusioned because hell I joined this forum when I was in my 20s. I'm now almost 36 and have a long track record of failed relationships and ONLY learnt what the lovey dovey feeling was at 32 and it took me that long to actually find high chemistry.

I dont know how I can even dare the stars align again.
 

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Hey Dude, good to see you still posting brother. I've been breezing in and out over the last few years. Been battling cancer for the last year, and happy to say, I've won.

As for your post; I've had this discussion with LOTS of people. Now that I am twice divorced, and the second was a perfect illustration of my cardinal rule:

"Never, ever, fight for someone who is not willing to fight for you."

If they want out?

Godspeed. Go find your grace and happiness, elsewhere.
 

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Thats the problem with love, it's blind.

High chemistry low compatibility relationship, the chemistry was intense from the moment we laid eyes on each other and that's the source of our happiness despite the fact that in the end there was no real future with our issues.

Its bloody tragic if you ask me, I don't regret it because I can't, but I find it difficult to see the light at the end of all this as I age and see my options.

Granted, I've only been single 2 weeks but based on my past with my exs and now from like maybe 40 new contacts majority being so meh I'm a tad disillusioned if I can find such chemistry again.
High Chemistry isn't love it's a movie cliche.
 

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I'm now almost 36 and have a long track record of failed relationships and ONLY learnt what the lovey dovey feeling was at 32 and it took me that long to actually find high chemistry.

I dont know how I can even dare the stars align again.
I was younger when I met DH, but before him I had a string of lovely men I had low to medium chemistry with and 2...count 'em, 2 ... that I had high chemistry with. 2. Out of over 30. I figurd my odds weren't good of finding that again. Then I met DH and the chemistry was intense. Still is over 20 years later.

It will happen or it won't. Live your best life and who knows? Maybe it happens again and with someone more compatible.
 

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This is more of a philosophical belief rather than any nuts and bolts points or advice but I think men in general are the gatekeepers of relationships and set the tone, parameters and objectives of relationships.

(Conversely, women are the gatekeepers of sex but that’s for another topic)

As men we decide The Who, what’s, when, where and how’s of relationships and women decide if they will go along with that or not.

In other words a man will decide if he will enter a relationship at all or not and if so, what the terms and conditions will be for him to be in said relationship.

He presents those terms and conditions and the woman decides if that is for her and if she will agree to that or not.

That can be anything from a ONS behind the dumpster outside the strip joint to a FWB arraignment, to proposing marriage/home/family.

I have never formally broken up with anyone in 57 years.

For a couple women in my past, I wanted to have a serious, exclusive relationship and they ...shall we say... declined ( ie dumped me or cheated or whatever)

There’s been a number of others that when they asked the “where are we going with this?” I was open and upfront that I was not looking for serious LTR and they opted out.

A number of people I haven’t contacted them in 30 years and I haven’t heard from them since.

Where I am going with this is as men, we need to set the conditions and parameters of what WE will accept and what we will do in a relationship and women will either decide to come into that frame or they won’t.

If our terms and conditions and parameters are not what they want, what they do from there is their choice.

I think we have an obligation to be honest about our conditions and objectives so they can make an informed decision.

But I do not believe we need to either dump them or remain with them for their own good.
 

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Maybe I'm just looking at the odds and getting disillusioned because hell I joined this forum when I was in my 20s. I'm now almost 36 and have a long track record of failed relationships and ONLY learnt what the lovey dovey feeling was at 32 and it took me that long to actually find high chemistry.

I dont know how I can even dare the stars align again.
Dude, you seriously need to get out of your own head.
Stop pontificating and wallowing in your failures and doubts and wondering what’s in her head and what you should do about it, etc.

Figure out what you want your life to look like and what kind of marriage you want, based on the kind of man you want to be.
And start improving yourself to be in a better position to take control of your situation and move it towards what you want.

You need an action plan to improve yourself to be the kind of man that’s capable of leading the kind of marriage you want.

Then stop thinking and start doing.
 
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