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If you love them let them go right?

  • Damn right, you respect their decision and let them go. Even if you know you can fight for it.

    Votes: 5 16.7%
  • Fighting for a relationship is only applicable if both people are willing to do it.

    Votes: 23 76.7%
  • No, true love never gives up, no matter what. You have to fight for it.

    Votes: 2 6.7%
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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
These behaviors of hers are not healthy for a relationship. If she treats a future partner the same way, that nothing he does is good enough (extreme demands and chastisement when you aren't doing these things to her liking), there will be the same issues.

She wasn't happy, she should have ended the relationship.

She may learn, in time, with more relationships, that her demands and expectations are unreasonable and that the way she reacted to you about it was pretty ****ty.
Or she can find her dream boat 馃殺 as "I want someone who can give me everything from beginning to end"

Who knows really, she's a wonderful person despite these issues and she just needs to find her unicorn 馃
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 · (Edited)
I don't know your whole story, so I'm basing this only on what I've read here.

My impression is you didn't let her go because you loved her. You let her go because you are unwilling or incapable of working on yourself. You let go because you didn't want to do what was needed to fix the relationship.
I didnt even know it was possible until all this.

Could I have put in more work if I knew maybe? Perhaps.

Did I realistically have the energy to do so with all the stressful changes to my work due to the lockdown and covid? No.

I think the guy in these videos has it exactly right. Isn't something you love worth fighting for? Especially if you are losing it due to something you have done and can control.

In your case the woman didn't even want to leave. You didn't set her free, you pushed her away. You were just exhibiting your self admitted lazy and selfish qualities. She wasn't worth the effort needed to fix yourself.

Again, I don't know what part your GF played in your relationship issues, but I get the impression you let her go as much for you as you did for her.
******** she didn't want to leave, she wanted to leave she just didn't want to go through the pain of doing what she has to do. What she told me after all this reaffirmed the facts.

Not to mention all the nitpicking and starting who knows how many fights when I can count the number of fights I started over the course of our relationship with one hand.

But yeah, I let her go as much for myself as I did for her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
All the things I did for her, it's expected. All the things I didn't do for her, she slowly fell out of love until I also had enough and then she reached her breaking point.

Meh
 

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Letting them go if they want to go is fine. Passive-aggressively pushing them away because you're unsure of what you or they want is the opposite of love and empowering them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
Letting them go if they want to go is fine. Passive-aggressively pushing them away because you're unsure of what you or they want is the opposite of love and empowering them.
She would not have left without that push and I was not in the position anymore to pull the plug myself because of the promise I made.

Never making that promise again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
I just want to say that loving her has been good for you. You have definitely grown as a result of her love and your ability to love.
How so? I seem to be coming full circle.

As much as I have learnt, I am becoming as cynical as I was before I met her, realising the fairy tale that it was.
 

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How so? I seem to be coming full circle.

As much as I have learnt, I am becoming as cynical as I was before I met her, realising the fairy tale that it was.
You have matured and are not as bitter or flighty. You have a better sense of your place in the world. You now know that you are capable of love and will find it again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
You have matured and are not as bitter or flighty. You have a better sense of your place in the world. You now know that you are capable of love and will find it again.
Maybe, and right now I'm thinking to be able to find love again I have to break a promise and unfriend her from FB, get rid of all reminders and momentos and stop looking back.

Including a 1 month ban from TAM so I dont find myself back on the hamster wheel when now I know what I need to do to get off it. I need to move on.
 

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How so? I seem to be coming full circle.

As much as I have learnt, I am becoming as cynical as I was before I met her, realising the fairy tale that it was.
Don't be cynical. Maybe be more discerning, and willing to let go of a relationship that isn't working. You two should probably have terminated the relationship long ago when she kept at you on and on about how you weren't living up to her (very unrealistic and unreasonable) expectations.
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
Don't be cynical. Maybe be more discerning, and willing to let go of a relationship that isn't working. You two should probably have terminated the relationship long ago when she kept at you on and on about how you weren't living up to her (very unrealistic and unreasonable) expectations.
Thats the problem with love, it's blind.

High chemistry low compatibility relationship, the chemistry was intense from the moment we laid eyes on each other and that's the source of our happiness despite the fact that in the end there was no real future with our issues.

Its bloody tragic if you ask me, I don't regret it because I can't, but I find it difficult to see the light at the end of all this as I age and see my options.

Granted, I've only been single 2 weeks but based on my past with my exs and now from like maybe 40 new contacts majority being so meh I'm a tad disillusioned if I can find such chemistry again.
 

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Granted, I've only been single 2 weeks but based on my past with my exs and now from like maybe 40 new contacts majority being so meh I'm a tad disillusioned if I can find such chemistry again.
Overwhelming chemistry is fun. Everyone should get to try it at least once in their life.

But a little chemistry with a lot of compatibility and an average amount of willingness to both try for the sake of the relationship and ignore the inconsequential is a better recipe for long term success.
 

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If your gut says your partner wants out, and my gut which kept me alive in my difficult youth - was fking right in the end as per her admittance, then why am I the monster for forcing her to make the decision?

I guess I could be the 'gentleman' and dump her myself but I loved her for who she was not who I wanted her to be and wanted it to be her choice. Besides she made me promise I won't leave her bc I didn't feel like I was good enough, that it was to be her decision so hell I kept my promise.
This is the source of some of your self-defeating coping skills, in my opinion...THIS might be where to start when trying to examine how to move forward in a loving relationship -- some people might say you subconsciously created the very situation that you were terrified of having happen.

The problem is, a survival mechanism IS NOT usually the right way to relate in a loving relationship. It's possible that your inner self, that had to be very reactive and suspicious to protect you in your formative years, perceived dangers when presented with unconditional love and reciprocal expectations that caused your shut downs and detachment.

And loving relationships are NOT supposed to be teaching points for how to detach and maintain space - they are supposed to challenge us with how to connect and be giving and be vulnerable with another person (and sometimes that includes meeting needs for space and detachment).

You aren't a monster at all, and I don't see that you forced her to make a decision. She was very clear with you about what she needed and wanted to feel loved. She was hopeful that you would be the man who wanted to give that to her. It's ok that you didn't want to and/or couldn't...but when she lost her hope and trust in you, she closed the door of her heart to you, so she could now detach and move on.

You didn't meet EACHOTHER'S needs...but the problem with that for you is that very few healthy women who are trying to connect in a loving way with a partner are going to be happy with how you are unwilling to stop shutting down emotionally when there is a conflict. That type of coldness blocks love and damages trust and respect.

You need to work on that, because her expectations with that weren't unreasonable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
Overwhelming chemistry is fun. Everyone should get to try it at least once in their life.

But a little chemistry with a lot of compatibility and an average amount of willingness to both try for the sake of the relationship and ignore the inconsequential is a better recipe for long term success.
:LOL: haha yeah

Not to mention cradle robbing! Nope, once per lifetime is enough lol

I dunno if I can settle with just abit of chemistry, it took overwhelming chemistry to finally shatter my walls and make me vulnerable so think my luck is fked for the future mate hahaha
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
This is the source of some of your self-defeating coping skills, in my opinion...THIS might be where to start when trying to examine how to move forward in a loving relationship -- some people might say you subconsciously created the very situation that you were terrified of having happen.

The problem is, a survival mechanism IS NOT usually the right way to relate in a loving relationship. It's possible that your inner self, that had to be very reactive and suspicious to protect you in your formative years, perceived dangers when presented with unconditional love and reciprocal expectations that caused your shut downs and detachment.

And loving relationships are NOT supposed to be teaching points for how to detach and maintain space - they are supposed to challenge us with how to connect and be giving and be vulnerable with another person (and sometimes that includes meeting needs for space and detachment).

You aren't a monster at all, and I don't see that you forced her to make a decision. She was very clear with you about what she needed and wanted to feel loved. She was hopeful that you would be the man who wanted to give that to her. It's ok that you didn't want to and/or couldn't...but when she lost her hope and trust in you, she closed the door of her heart to you, so she could now detach and move on.

You didn't meet EACHOTHER'S needs...but the problem with that for you is that very few healthy women who are trying to connect in a loving way with a partner are going to be happy with how you are unwilling to stop shutting down emotionally when there is a conflict. That type of coldness blocks love and damages trust and respect.

You need to work on that, because her expectations with that weren't unreasonable.
The problem right now is that my gut was still right. My shutdowns had nothing to do with her expectations and standards of what she needed, it did not create a self forfilling prophecy, it simply identified the danger and rightfully so.

But I kept at it, I stayed vulnerable for the most part if I didn't I wouldn't have invested so much in our relationship to the point of a diamond ring. Yes, eventually I did shutdown multiple times during conflict.

And she did not connect in a loving way, she nagged like she nagged her dad in their dysfunctional marriage, several of my exs approached conflict alot better but the issue was I never loved them.
 

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I bet if we knew the whole story, we'd find that you pushed her away for your own benefit, not hers.

Love is not worth fighting for if you're actually fighting! Love is not worth fighting for if you have discovered you are on completely different life paths you each feel strongly about. Love is not worth fighting for if neither of you has respect for the other anymore. In your case, you didn't have enough respect for her to let her make up her own mind whether to leave or keep working on it, to weigh her own priorities. As you said, you shut down. That's you. You didn't want to deal with it anymore. And that's fine, but don't spin it that it was an unselfish act for her. Although I do generally agree that if a person tells you anything that conveys he's not good enough for you, you should believe them. Because otherwise, they wouldn't be saying it.
 

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I dunno if I can settle with just abit of chemistry, it took overwhelming chemistry to finally shatter my walls and make me vulnerable so think my luck is fked for the future mate hahaha
So why is that not a lesson to take forward? A lot of chemistry shattered your walls. And your world didn't end (even if it feels right now like it did). What about this whole process would make you say it wasn't worth it for a more compatible partner?
 
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