Talk About Marriage banner

If you love them let them go right?

  • Damn right, you respect their decision and let them go. Even if you know you can fight for it.

    Votes: 5 16.7%
  • Fighting for a relationship is only applicable if both people are willing to do it.

    Votes: 23 76.7%
  • No, true love never gives up, no matter what. You have to fight for it.

    Votes: 2 6.7%
1 - 20 of 49 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
15,057 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What the F is this guy on?



Pretty much he's saying the opposite...

Here I was looking up videos to help me move on because if I love someone I would let them go right?
Then I come across this guy who tells me if I let them go I'm not loving them. What? 🤦‍♂️

Anyway, long story short, I mentioned I was lazy, selfish and took my partner for granted. I have a problem with emotional shutdowns but then I wonder if my emotional shutdowns are truly to blame for the end of our relationship or did I shutdown so that I could knowingly push her away to reach a void of emotion so that she can make her own informed decision for her life, because deep down, very deep down inside I knew that I did not want her to stay with me and be unhappy just because she didn't want to leave, with a persistent issue that we could not fix for 2 years; love languages/expectations/standards/effort/etc etc

That's exactly what I did before the break, she told me she could never leave me, I pushed her away and told her that I did not want her to stay with me just because she isn't able to leave me. I forced no contact on her until she makes up her mind and she cried for 20 hours straight. Was I being selfish then? Cold-hearted? Emotionally unavailable? Or was I doing it out of love? Real love because I actually worried for her future and I wanted her to re-access and make a decision based on her own happiness for her own damn future?

And yeah, duh she made the decision to split.

But is THAT even real love? Or is real love, as this guy says - commitment. Commitment to do whatever it takes to make it work? Not giving up and making excuses - like I did, the same commitment we both failed in, I gave up trying to change she gave up trying to make it work, meaning our relationship in the end wasn't even real enough despite our connection. In the end I apparently pushed her to the breaking point and taught her nothing but to be just as selfish as me and to give up because in the end we are both replaceable, yet a part of me feels pride in her for doing so?

If I don't love her by letting her go why do I feel so much pride? I am confused as ****. It's for the best right? Even if not - once a woman says she's done, she's done. Right? And "if you love me you will let me go find someone who can give me everything from beginning to end", right? What is love and what is selfish? To fight or to let her go? I say to let her go. Not to mention only so much dignity you can sacrifice. But my mind is a mess, so folks, tell me what you think.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
371 Posts
You do fight for a good relationship but that fight is in lieu of what you did. Once you made the decision to push her away you don't get to reverse course & try to fix it now. You broke it. She has zero reason to trust you. She's done crying. Leave her alone.

Next time address the issues in the relationship Don't smash it to bits then try to fix it later.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
15,057 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
You do fight for a good relationship but that fight is in lieu of what you did. Once you made the decision to push her away you don't get to reverse course & try to fix it now. You broke it. She has zero reason to trust you. She's done crying. Leave her alone.

Next time address the issues in the relationship Don't smash it to bits then try to fix it later.
Why the hell should I, or anyone fight for a relationship when in the end she, or their partner isn't even happy and wants out?

In hindsight if I didn't push her away would we really have been able to sort out our issues over the last 2 years? She told her herself in the end that all the little things I didn't do made her slowly fall out of love until she reached her breaking point.

And after the breaking point the sheer number of crappy excuses she pulls out about why she wants out like 👍 the fk you stayed then?

So if anything we dodged a fking bullet when I forced her to cut loose. Our issues here: His needs, her needs, not good enough...

This is the endgame.

EDIT: Forgive my harsh tone, I am simply emotionally charged. I truly appreciate being challenged so lay it on me.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
15,057 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
What the hell is truly selfish?

Keeping her tied down, when she keeps expressing her unhappiness and keep trying when we tried and failed for 2 years?

Or force her to harden her heart and make a non emotionally charged decision about her own happiness for her own future?

You know reading up on my dismissive avoidant attachment style and how it played a part in all this, the ability I have to emotionally detach even seems to work for crisis points so hell... I question if change is required or in the end did I do the right thing all along and gave her a damn backbone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,793 Posts


Let her go, man. You can't give her the "little things" she needs. She's done. Let her be done.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
328 Posts
I'm not sure what "fighting for a relationship" means. But it seems to also mean to harass the women that is trying to get rid. And sometimes by trying to drive all the habits that she's fed up with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
What the hell is truly selfish?

Keeping her tied down, when she keeps expressing her unhappiness and keep trying when we tried and failed for 2 years?

Or force her to harden her heart and make a non emotionally charged decision about her own happiness for her own future?

You know reading up on my dismissive avoidant attachment style and how it played a part in all this, the ability I have to emotionally detach even seems to work for crisis points so hell... I question if change is required or in the end did I do the right thing all along and gave her a damn backbone.
Sorry dude but dismissive avoidants are the worse, they pull in even the most secure and then push and then withdraw in an endless cycle. Its exhausting to be with someone like you, in my experience, dismissive avoidants are the destroyers of self worth. When coupled with an anxious it can be dam near abusive. Do yourself and your future partners a favour and do the hard work on yourself.

Its not your job to toughen someone up. I was in a relationship with a dismissive and they made me doubt my sanity in the end. Thankfully for me, they moved on to someone else before I was totally destroyed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,079 Posts
I'm not sure you should lay all the blame at OP's feet.

His ex seemed to expect things that are probably unreasonable, and definitely not sustainable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
I'm not sure you should lay all the blame at OP's feet.

His ex seemed to expect things that are probably unreasonable, and definitely not sustainable.
Im not laying blame at ops feet, just asking him to work on his unhealthy attachment style. If his wife was/is an anxious, it would explain a lot of her unreasonable expectations also. Its a common c codependant dynamic.

Dismissives suffer too, just in a different way. However, due to their formative experiences, they very rarely suffer the same level of emotional pain others do, due to their learned ability to shutdown emotions
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,042 Posts
I’m concerned about how much ownership you take, words like ‘forcing her to harden her heart’ ‘giving her a damn backbone’, how many times you talk of a ‘fight’, feeling ‘pride’ because if it.

This is a person, she is who she is, not a puppet that you can turn into this or that. She came to her own conclusions and she is who she is. You probably didn’t play a part in her construction all that much. Please leave the girl alone, she can feel pride in her decision, or not, if that’s what she wants. She’s the master of herself.

Turn the focus more on you and who you are, not what you think you successfully turned her into. Be angry sure, but not at her. It’s a breakup, after all. You’re allowed to lose. Losing’s ok.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,079 Posts
Im not laying blame at ops feet, just asking him to work on his unhealthy attachment style. If his wife was/is an anxious, it would explain a lot of her unreasonable expectations also. Its a common c codependant dynamic.

Dismissives suffer too, just in a different way. However, due to their formative experiences, they very rarely suffer the same level of emotional pain others do, due to their learned ability to shutdown emotions
I think a lot of her unreasonable expectations were because she was 21. I think 18ish when they met. Do you know OP's history?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
15,057 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
I've already let her go and I haven't spoken to her for two weeks now so what the hell?

And hell I let her go before she even broke up with me and forgot why the hell I did that until weeks later.

I'm not mad at her all why would I be? And why shouldn't I be proud of her? She finally decided to end it for herself!

Saved us more years of BS
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
15,057 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 · (Edited)
Sorry dude but dismissive avoidants are the worse, they pull in even the most secure and then push and then withdraw in an endless cycle. Its exhausting to be with someone like you, in my experience, dismissive avoidants are the destroyers of self worth. When coupled with an anxious it can be dam near abusive. Do yourself and your future partners a favour and do the hard work on yourself.

Its not your job to toughen someone up. I was in a relationship with a dismissive and they made me doubt my sanity in the end. Thankfully for me, they moved on to someone else before I was totally destroyed.
You're not answering the question.

Even if I switch to secure attachment style how would I have handled the situation and what difference would it have made?

Affirmed her feelings, not shut down, don't have fears that she is unhappy. The last part how the F? I would have to be in denial to be secure.

Now I paint myself as some monster it seems by admitting I am dismissive avoidant however I did become vulnerable, I did allow myself to depend on her and her to depend on me, we were very intimate, and even though I failed to have the initiative to kiss her which was her love language I did not deny it to her and if I did it was to play.

But YES, when the fights happen boom. All that goes out the damn window. It's all accusatory with her, always, never, nothing I ever did was ever good enough.

Don't baby her enough, don't show that I care, don't start enough topics, didn't text in time, don't show enough effort, look at what this guy did for his girlfriend why aren't you doing that for me, nearly four years of this crap how much can one take after knowing deep down she just wants out?

Not to mention her admittance at the end. Also why the F she pushed me for engagement while still hoping secretly I would change is beyond me and now I have a damn diamond to resell. I should have stuck to my guns in the past when I said I wanted us to resolve all our issues first but for her, not being engaged was an issue in itself 🤦‍♂️ but I did it anyway because I loved her.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
15,057 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I'm not sure what "fighting for a relationship" means. But it seems to also mean to harass the women that is trying to get rid. And sometimes by trying to drive all the habits that she's fed up with.
Exactly, so what's wrong with just letting her go?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,079 Posts
You're not answering the question.

Even if I switch to secure attachment style how would I have handled the situation and what difference would it have made?

Affirmed her feelings, not shut down, don't have fears that she is unhappy. The last part how the F? I would have to be in denial to be secure.

Now I paint myself as some monster it seems by admitting I am dismissive avoidant however I did become vulnerable, I did allow myself to depend on her and her to depend on me, we were very intimate, and even though I failed to have the initiative to kiss her which was her love language I did not deny it to her and if I did it was to play.

But YES, when the fights happen boom. All that goes out the damn window. It's all accusatory, always, never, nothing I ever did was ever good enough.

Don't baby her enough, don't show that I care, don't start enough topics, didn't text in time, don't show enough effort, look at what this guy did for his girlfriend why aren't you doing that for me, nearly four years of this crap how much can one take after knowing deep down she just wants out?
These behaviors of hers are not healthy for a relationship. If she treats a future partner the same way, that nothing he does is good enough (extreme demands and chastisement when you aren't doing these things to her liking), there will be the same issues.

She wasn't happy, she should have ended the relationship.

She may learn, in time, with more relationships, that her demands and expectations are unreasonable and that the way she reacted to you about it was pretty ****ty.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
15,057 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
If your gut says your partner wants out, and my gut which kept me alive in my difficult youth - was fking right in the end as per her admittance, then why am I the monster for forcing her to make the decision?

I guess I could be the 'gentleman' and dump her myself but I loved her for who she was not who I wanted her to be and wanted it to be her choice. Besides she made me promise I won't leave her bc I didn't feel like I was good enough, that it was to be her decision so hell I kept my promise.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,016 Posts
Exactly, so what's wrong with just letting her go?
I don't know your whole story, so I'm basing this only on what I've read here.

My impression is you didn't let her go because you loved her. You let her go because you are unwilling or incapable of working on yourself. You let go because you didn't want to do what was needed to fix the relationship.

I think the guy in these videos has it exactly right. Isn't something you love worth fighting for? Especially if you are losing it due to something you have done and can control.

In your case the woman didn't even want to leave. You didn't set her free, you pushed her away. You were just exhibiting your self admitted lazy and selfish qualities. She wasn't worth the effort needed to fix yourself.

Again, I don't know what part your GF played in your relationship issues, but I get the impression you let her go as much for you as you did for her.
 
1 - 20 of 49 Posts
Top