Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Any comments or advice is more than welcome...


Background we've been together 1 1/2 years and married 3 1/2 mths.


I really want to understand if there is a deeper issue with myself and if so how do I correct it? Based on what I've researched thus far I have determined that my actions have caused my wife to feel emotionally insecure which is obviously severely affecting our relationship. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to convince her that I love her and I don't have a desire for anyone else. Here are the reasons she feels that way:


1) There have been times that we go out and I look at other women.


I have read elsewhere on the forum that this is an issue many guys have. I have sat down and contemplated this several times and I am absolutely certain it is not intentional, when I tell her its involuntary she doesn't believe me. I have made a concerted effort to not look but she is frustrated and says if I loved her it shouldn't take effort I just shouldn't do it.*


2) I told her of a fantasy involving us swinging or swapping partners.*


This was really upsetting to her and made her feel like if I'm having that fantasy I must not be satisfied with her.


3) A few days before we got married I was messaged on a google acct from some random; I'm assuming female who asked if I was a tits or ass man. To which I replied "My girl has great tits but I love ass too lol" when asked if I wanted to "see" I replied "sure".*


This is obviously the most blatantly wrong. She found these messages in the history and obviously is very upset. Now no matter what I say or do she is convicted that I am not satisfied with her.*


I truly love my wife. I love her to the point that it scares me. I as a husband am supposed to protect her but she tells me that I've made her feel bad about herself and it kills me. To her these things compiled all lead to one question:


If you are truly satisfied with me and "what you have" why the need to look at or think about someone else?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
1) There have been times that we go out and I look at other women.


I have read elsewhere on the forum that this is an issue many guys have. I have sat down and contemplated this several times and I am absolutely certain it is not intentional, when I tell her its involuntary she doesn't believe me. I have made a concerted effort to not look but she is frustrated and says if I loved her it shouldn't take effort I just shouldn't do it.*
Looking is something all red blooded males do, and more females than you might think too. It is completely normal to look.

Is perhaps what your wife gets upset about the WAY you look? Do you stare? Do you make it obvious you're looking? Do you comment?

If not, then it's your wife who has the problem, not you.

2) I told her of a fantasy involving us swinging or swapping partners.*

This was really upsetting to her and made her feel like if I'm having that fantasy I must not be satisfied with her.
Yeah, well, my husband has the same fantasy, and it used to bother me too. I've come to terms with it. Most men in fact do have this fantasy from what I gather. I assume what you told her was that it would involve another woman, not another man?

Again, your wife needs to chill. She's trying to control your thoughts.

You can help your wife by meeting her needs and letting her know how sexy and wonderful she is. Read The 5 Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs for some pointers on this

3) A few days before we got married I was messaged on a google acct from some random; I'm assuming female who asked if I was a tits or ass man. To which I replied "My girl has great tits but I love ass too lol" when asked if I wanted to "see" I replied "sure".*

This is obviously the most blatantly wrong. She found these messages in the history and obviously is very upset. Now no matter what I say or do she is convicted that I am not satisfied with her.*
Ok this was VERY wrong. I think you know it. It's gonna take a few years of convincing if your wife is a 'normal' woman. It sounds like she is extremely insecure, so you definitely have your work cut out for you.

I think diligence on your part combined with education on hers is called for. She needs to realize what is 'normal' for a guy and what isn't. His Needs Her Needs has a chapter on a mans need for sex that might open her eyes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,975 Posts
The google message was, as you say "blatantly wrong". I'm assuming you wouldn't want her talking to random men online and potentially trading pics. The rest, assuming its not over the top, is pretty normal stuff and her being insecure. Everyone looks at the opposite sex. This can be done without be offensive to anyone. Almost everyone has or has had sexual fantasies. The fact that she doesn't like yours is silly. Obviously there is a difference between sharing a fantasy and suggesting that it become a reality. Beyond that, its BS to say "my kinks are OK but yours are really sick". So the these last two might be her needing to work on her insecurity or it could be "I love you, I love you....now change."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I am the wife of rxwhat.... He seems to have forgot a few things. Rxwhat has been caught lying/ half-lies/silence to hide the truth about things many times. Things just keep adding up till it got here.
looking is something all red blooded males do, and more females than you might think too. It is completely normal to look.

Is perhaps what your wife gets upset about the way you look? Do you stare? Do you make it obvious you're looking? Do you comment?

If not, then it's your wife who has the problem, not you.
You are very right....We all look at many people all the time. I see lots of women and even find them good looking. What matters is how you do it. He does not comment. It is the way he does it and how it's obvious. Its ridiculous to think men can't control themselves and we as women go along with it. We set the standard to how men act and what we put up with. That will determent how we are treated.



yeah, well, my husband has the same fantasy, and it used to bother me too. I've come to terms with it. Most men in fact do have this fantasy from what i gather. I assume what you told her was that it would involve another woman, not another man?

Again, your wife needs to chill. She's trying to control your thoughts.
What is a fantasy? what makes you think it's normal? why do you think that this is ok in your marriage? You are saying that he thinks of being with other women. It's normal because lots of men do it and they can't control it. You have come to terms with it......maybe you have because the lack of confidence in yourself. Maybe you think to highly of him and he does not in return and you are afraid to lose him..or maybe you are just as unhappy or guilty of the same thing so it seems normal to you!
Let's just think about the world today. Sex is just something people do and the majority do it with lots of people all the time. People lack the understanding and commitment of marriage and where it came from!!!! Look at the number of cheaters or the divorce rate. Maybe all this is happening cuz people are just to "CHILL". Just because alot of people are doing this does not mean it's ok!!! Things can start off innocent and quickly go inappropriate. For rxwhats fantasy it was...Him having sex with a married women while I was next to him having sex with her husband! It was not just a random image in his head. It was of two different couples that he got to on obsessive point of looking at them in pornographic pic. Thats how it come to my attention in the first place. This is also after having to address his new found love of looking at porn and other sites. Not like every once in a while....like every spare moment. Your fantasy can become normal and then it does not work like it did so the next step is to start acting it out!! So me being upset has nothing to do with not being able to control his thoughts.It's about how it's proven he can't control his own.
ok this was very wrong. I think you know it. It's gonna take a few years of convincing if your wife is a 'normal' woman. It sounds like she is extremely insecure, so you definitely have your work cut out for you.
You are right he was very wrong and has a lot of work ahead of him. The if your wife is "normal" part..lol I don't think I want to be considered normal in ya'lls world. It sounds like I'm extremely insecure....I'm not extremely...I'm a normal/ healthy level of insecure. I know what I got and what I am worth. I also will not let the corrupt view of sexual activity or marriage set by the standards of people that live in a time of the highest divorce rate dictate where I stand.[/quote]

I think diligence on your part combined with education on hers is called for. She needs to realize what is 'normal' for a guy and what isn't. his needs her needs has a chapter on a mans need for sex that might open her eyes.
Hmmmm...seems like maybe you need to educate yourself on how we humans work. Sooner or later if you keep feeding you fantasies you will need something else to give you that feeling and then something else! I'm sure you can see that the more you play with something in your head the more normal it will seem. Then normal gets old and you need a new spark. We have become more tolerant to "sexuality" and divorce rate seem to show that. I don't want a 'normal' guy that thinks its normal to think of other women and imagine themselves having sex with them. Or that because they are males they can't control this and it's just the way it is! Wonder why guys think its cool to sleep with a 100 girls and a girl is a wh*re for sleeping with 100 guys! What have women allowed??? Don't be that girl!!! SMH! oh..on mans need for sex... Maybe you should also know that the average guy married gets sex like 3 times a week and doctors also say it's a very healthy average. Im sure ones that are married with kids have even less! ;-/ but NOT rxwhat. We have two kids and its uncommon for us to not have sex every night but on top of that we have sex on average of 3 times a night!!! And oral sex on both sides. We have different types some times its "loving making" and some times its just down right dirty to the point no one will comment about the thing we said or did to each other just smile and laugh![/quote]
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I am the wife of rxwhat.... He seems to have forgot a few things. Rxwhat has been caught lying/ half-lies/silence to hide the truth about things many times. Things just keep adding up till it got here.
looking is something all red blooded males do, and more females than you might think too. It is completely normal to look.

Is perhaps what your wife gets upset about the way you look? Do you stare? Do you make it obvious you're looking? Do you comment?

If not, then it's your wife who has the problem, not you.
You are very right....We all look at many people all the time. I see lots of women and even find them good looking. What matters is how you do it. He does not comment. It is the way he does it and how it's obvious. Its ridiculous to think men can't control themselves and we as women go along with it. We set the standard to how men act and what we put up with. That will determent how we are treated.



yeah, well, my husband has the same fantasy, and it used to bother me too. I've come to terms with it. Most men in fact do have this fantasy from what i gather. I assume what you told her was that it would involve another woman, not another man?

Again, your wife needs to chill. She's trying to control your thoughts.
What is a fantasy? what makes you think it's normal? why do you think that this is ok in your marriage? You are saying that he thinks of being with other women. It's normal because lots of men do it and they can't control it. You have come to terms with it......maybe you have because the lack of confidence in yourself. Maybe you think to highly of him and he does not in return and you are afraid to lose him..or maybe you are just as unhappy or guilty of the same thing so it seems normal to you!
Let's just think about the world today. Sex is just something people do and the majority do it with lots of people all the time. People lack the understanding and commitment of marriage and where it came from!!!! Look at the number of cheaters or the divorce rate. Maybe all this is happening cuz people are just to "CHILL". Just because alot of people are doing this does not mean it's ok!!! Things can start off innocent and quickly go inappropriate. For rxwhats fantasy it was...Him having sex with a married women while I was next to him having sex with her husband! It was not just a random image in his head. It was of two different couples that he got to on obsessive point of looking at them in pornographic pic. Thats how it come to my attention in the first place. This is also after having to address his new found love of looking at porn and other sites. Not like every once in a while....like every spare moment. Your fantasy can become normal and then it does not work like it did so the next step is to start acting it out!! So me being upset has nothing to do with not being able to control his thoughts.It's about how it's proven he can't control his own.
ok this was very wrong. I think you know it. It's gonna take a few years of convincing if your wife is a 'normal' woman. It sounds like she is extremely insecure, so you definitely have your work cut out for you.
You are right he was very wrong and has a lot of work ahead of him. The if your wife is "normal" part..lol I don't think I want to be considered normal in ya'lls world. It sounds like I'm extremely insecure....I'm not extremely...I'm a normal/ healthy level of insecure. I know what I got and what I am worth. I also will not let the corrupt view of sexual activity or marriage set by the standards of people that live in a time of the highest divorce rate dictate where I stand.[/quote]

I think diligence on your part combined with education on hers is called for. She needs to realize what is 'normal' for a guy and what isn't. his needs her needs has a chapter on a mans need for sex that might open her eyes.
Hmmmm...seems like maybe you need to educate yourself on how we humans work. Sooner or later if you keep feeding you fantasies you will need something else to give you that feeling and then something else! I'm sure you can see that the more you play with something in your head the more normal it will seem. Then normal gets old and you need a new spark. We have become more tolerant to "sexuality" and divorce rate seem to show that. I don't want a 'normal' guy that thinks its normal to think of other women and imagine themselves having sex with them. Or that because they are males they can't control this and it's just the way it is! Wonder why guys think its cool to sleep with a 100 girls and a girl is a wh*re for sleeping with 100 guys! What have women allowed??? Don't be that girl!!! SMH! oh..on mans need for sex... Maybe you should also know that the average guy married gets sex like 3 times a week and doctors also say it's a very healthy average. Im sure ones that are married with kids have even less! ;-/ but NOT rxwhat. We have two kids and its uncommon for us to not have sex every night but on top of that we have sex on average of 3 times a night!!! And oral sex on both sides. We have different types some times its "loving making" and some times its just down right dirty to the point no one will comment about the thing we said or did to each other just smile and laugh![/quote]
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I am the wife of rxwhat.... He seems to have forgot a few things. Rxwhat has been caught lying/ half-lies/silence to hide the truth about things many times. Things just keep adding up till it got here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1964
looking is something all red blooded males do, and more females than you might think too. It is completely normal to look.

Is perhaps what your wife gets upset about the way you look? Do you stare? Do you make it obvious you're looking? Do you comment?

If not, then it's your wife who has the problem, not you.
You are very right....We all look at many people all the time. I see lots of women and even find them good looking. What matters is how you do it. He does not comment. It is the way he does it and how it's obvious. Its ridiculous to think men can't control themselves and we as women go along with it. We set the standard to how men act and what we put up with. That will determent how we are treated.



Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1964
yeah, well, my husband has the same fantasy, and it used to bother me too. I've come to terms with it. Most men in fact do have this fantasy from what i gather. I assume what you told her was that it would involve another woman, not another man?

Again, your wife needs to chill. She's trying to control your thoughts.
What is a fantasy? what makes you think it's normal? why do you think that this is ok in your marriage? You are saying that he thinks of being with other women. It's normal because lots of men do it and they can't control it. You have come to terms with it......maybe you have because the lack of confidence in yourself. Maybe you think to highly of him and he does not in return and you are afraid to lose him..or maybe you are just as unhappy or guilty of the same thing so it seems normal to you!
Let's just think about the world today. Sex is just something people do and the majority do it with lots of people all the time. People lack the understanding and commitment of marriage and where it came from!!!! Look at the number of cheaters or the divorce rate. Maybe all this is happening cuz people are just to "CHILL". Just because alot of people are doing does not mean it's ok!!! Things can start off innocent and quickly go inappropriate. For rxwhats fantasy it was...Him having sex with a married women while I was next to him having sex with her husband! It was not just a random image in his head. It was of two different couples that he got to on obsessive point of looking at them in pornographic pic. Thats how it come to my attention in the first place. This is also after having to address his new found love of looking at porn and other sites. Not like every once in a while....like every spare moment. Your fantasy can become normal and then it does not work like it did so the next step is to start acting it out!! So me being upset has nothing to do with not being able to control his thoughts.It's about how it's proven he can't control his own.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1964
ok this was very wrong. I think you know it. It's gonna take a few years of convincing if your wife is a 'normal' woman. It sounds like she is extremely insecure, so you definitely have your work cut out for you.
You are right is was very wrong and has a lot of work ahead of him. The if your wife is "normal" part..lol I don't think I want to be considered normal in ya'lls world. It sounds like I'm extremely insecure....I'm not extremely...I'm a normal/ healthy level of insecure. I know what I got and what I am worth. I also will not let the corrupt view of sexual activity or marriage set by the standards of people that live in a time of the highest divorce rate dictate where I stand.[/quote]

Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1964
I think diligence on your part combined with education on hers is called for. She needs to realize what is 'normal' for a guy and what isn't. his needs her needs has a chapter on a mans need for sex that might open her eyes.
Hmmmm...seems like maybe you to educate yourself on how we humans work. Sooner or later if you keep feeding you fantasies you will need something else to you that feeling and then something else! I'm sure you can see that the more you play with something in your head the more normal it will seem. Then normal gets old and you need a new spark. We have become more tolerant to "sexuality" but so has divorce rate. I don't want a 'normal' guy that thinks its normal to think of other women and imagine themselves having sex with them. Or that because they are males they cant control this and it's just the way it is! Wonder why guys thank its cool to sleep with a 100 girls and a girl is a ***** for sleeping with 100 guys! What have women allowed??? Dont be that girl!!! SMH! oh..on mans need for sex... Maybe you should also know that the average guy married gets sex like 3 times a week and doctors also say is a very healthy average. Im sure ones that are married with kids have even less! ;-/ but NOT rxwhat. We have two kids and its uncommon for us to not have sex every night but on top of that we have sex on average of 3 times a night!!! And oral sex on both sides. We have different types home times its "loving making" and some times its just down right dirty to the point no one will comment about the thing we said or did to each other just smile and laugh
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Shoto1984.... I hope you read the other post maybe it will give you some more insight and also tells you I'm the wife to rxwhat. Everyone does look at the opposite and same sex....But when you have to walk 5 ft behind you family so you can get away with looking at other women and having to trun your head to check out the back side its just disrespectful. Or if you at lunch after church and your eye is wondering and the other girl and I catch you..lol..of of us now are looking at each other its ridiculous. There is also a thing call control...Im I can be respectful enough not to do it and not want to do it cuz 1. I dont want that other person to think he has something over my husband 2. I wouldn't want my husband to think I wanted that person. Then is not ridiculous to expect the has respect back. If you are one of those people that think like the other lady that had a comment...then you are saying men have no self control..only think about sex...that there is no one women out there that can hold the attention of a man....on women can be everything a man needs. It is what the world is coming to and its becoming the normal. Y'all have stuff to say and act like something is wrong for having high standards and self respect and a stong over all understanding of marriage. Im not saying I never had or have fantasies but I think there is a big difference in what he has and mine. For rxwhats fantasy it was...Him having sex with a married women while I was next to him having sex with her husband! It was not just a random image in his head. It was of two different couples that he got to on obsessive point of looking at them in pornographic pic. Thats how it come to my attention in the first place. This is also after having to address his new found love of looking at porn and other sites. Not like every once in a while....like every spare moment. Your fantasy can become normal and then it does not work like it did so the next step is to start acting it out!! So me being upset has nothing to do with not being able to control his thoughts.It's about how it's proven he can't control his own. I never told him he was sick. Im not full of my self but Im far from thinking im not good enough. and the "I love you, I love you....now change" would be more on his side!!!
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top