If you can't have sex, should you have an obligation to provide something else?

I think it depends on what exactly the limitation is of the spouse who can't perform.

Using myself as an example...I have a digestive problem that has not been figured out yet. Docs aren't sure if my gallbladder is bad, pancreas problems, food intolerance or what. Finding the answers to this problem has been a lengthy/arduous process. When I am having a "flare", which can sometimes last 2-3 weeks at a time, my symptoms mirror food poisoning ...if you can imagine what that might entail.

When I can't keep down simple food or liquids, vag sex and bjs are off the table.

I will occasionally feel really guilty about the lack of sex, and offer H a HJ. He will decline 9/10 times because he knows how absolutely sick I am.

I think that makes him a decent human being.

I always reward him for waiting as soon as I feel better.
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Obligation is kind of a strong word in this case. I would hope that my wife would want to please me sexually, instead of feeling like she's obligated to do it; like it's a grueling chore she wants no part of.

My wife knows that I get horny every other day, so even if she's not in the mood for sex, she'll ask if I want "service," even though sex once a week is fine for her... and my wife gives me the best HJ's with lotion. She does this spinning thing with her wrist... It makes me cum so hard. It's almost as good as sex.

Anyway, last year, my wife had an operation to remove fibroids and a baseball-sized cyst and was unable to do anything sexually for a couple of months. It sucked... Hard. Still, she offered me BJ's and HJ's. I felt bad because I couldn't do anything to please her sexually. Good thing I have a great wife that knows what my sexual needs are.

kingsfan said:

If you can't have sex due say a yeast infection or an inability to get an erection, should you be expected to provide something for your spouse/partner, or should your partner be expected to wait the issue out?

This is only regarding short-term perfomance issues, not long-term ones and only when something else (such as say oral, HJ, etc.) can be provided by the spouse who is unable to perform.

To give you an example, if your wife has an infection and figures it'll take a week to clear up, and it's already been say a week since you last had sex, is there an unwritten implication she provide another means of sex, or are you expected to wait it out?

I'm talking in general as well, not directly to your own personal relationship. Just how do you feel this situation should be handled in the typical marriage/relationship.

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I personally think that if there is "an unwritten implication she provide another means of sex" then it isn't a typical marriage, it's one with problems. Sex shouldn't be something that's ever implied or expected, it should be freely given out of love and desire.
You asked about a typical marriage/relationship. I think H and I are very typical. He doesn't EXPECT anything. When I'm out of commission he'll more evenings than not give me a wonderful back/neck rub because he knows I'm not feeling well. That makes me feel affection and desire for him, which at least every few days gets him rewarded with a bj, after which he snuggles me close, thanks me profusely and tells me he didn't expect it but sure did love it. He makes me want to take care of him in other ways, he doesn't make me feel obligated. No one should feel obligated to do anything sexual.

Its totally absurd to me that a lot of people here suggest the spouse with a humiluating issue just bend over backwards to please their partner... the hell with how the issue effects them and their state of mind. Sure a spouse should want to please their partner as often as they can but in the same respect a loving partner should have enough respect and courtesy for their spouse to be able to wait it out.

If my spouse had an issue with getting it up... I sure as hell wouldn't pressure him to please me in other sexual ways. Why? Because ultimately I know it would just dampen his spirit further that he wouldn't be able to go all the way. I get that there are cruel spouses out there that make their partners jump through hoops in order to ride their **** or bang their *****... those people clearly have issues but with others .... no one should have to bend over backward to please someone else by obligation.

This should be something they do of their own free will... not something they do out of pressure from their spouse. So no... I don't think anyone should have an obligation to provide anything... rather I think they should have the desire to.
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I don't think this is a ridiculous idea, having none of your sexual needs met will kill a marriage. It can be waited out once in awhile, but when the default becomes waiting it out then its a real problem that the "disabled" spouse should make some effort to work around.

In fact, my marriage died in large part to this issue - my W, even though she claims she was the high drive one and that I turned her down all the time, happened to have a yeast infection every time I pursued (as far as I can tell she actually did, based on the empty boxes) and was never in the mood for much of anything else.

So typically I'd look in her bathroom and in the trash before deciding to pursue or not, usually the bet was off.

As for me, I don't know if erection issues were a problem or not, I know that if I wasn't in the mood there was none and little to do to entice me (physically or mentally), and the very few occasions she initiated and I turned her down suddenly were an ongoing thing? Any time we got around to business things worked fine, except right when it seemed like we broke through a barrier (in terms of lack of and frequency) she'd burst out with infection again. She even blamed me for it, convinced I was passing it to her, but my doctor could find no signs of anything (though I became forever self conscious about it).

I think if there is still a spark of attraction, build it up into a hot passionate fire before it goes out, even if intercourse is off the table.

Gaia said:

That's weird that she would constantly have a yeast infection lon. Like I said... if its a legitimate issue... then sure I wouldn't mind waiting it out and yes for a spouse to reject just for shyts and giggles is wrong... I'm not advocating that mind you and there are many other non sexual ways to keep that fire going. The fact that your ex conviently had a yeast infection everytime you tried for it.... totally manipulative imo and just because it appeared as if she were treating something... doesn't mean she was.


You should have asked her to show it to ya imo lon and I highly doubt it was you... she was probably just a bytch.
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oh believe me I saw, she wasn't faking (atleast not all the time) there is no way I wanted to touch that red nasty smelling thing with medicine oozing out of it. Basically it was a perfect mood killer, whether that was her intention or not.

In fact I think using the canesten too often is supposed to disrupt the natural bacteria and make it more susceptible (ex W is the one who informed me of that trivia, yet was the one using it all the time, very likely she was over-using to prevent me pursuing - all I know is it was so disturbing to be blamed the LD spouse when I really was horny all the time and had to take matters into my own hand, and worse was when she was ready was usually right after I took care of my own business secretly so I had nothing left and was too embarrased to explain why)

Well, I can speak from experience that when my husband is having ED issues, I don't EXPECT him to please me in other ways. I know he gets frustrated when it doesn't work and I don't push the issue. I am happy when it happens, yes. But I don't just EXPECT him to please me. And yes, if I try to initiate and he rebuffs me because of the ED, I do feel hurt. But he makes it up to me each time we DO have sex.

As for yeast infections... yea, I don't know how any woman can think of sex at all when she is red, chafing, itchy, and oozing...as Lon so adequately described his wife. I know my husband doesn't want to see ME in pain when going through that...and moving even slightly causes excruciating pain, so he avoids it until the infection has cleared up. Fortunately, it happens so very rarely that it's not an issue... yogurt is a staple in my diet.

So, expected? No, I don't think so. Appreciated? Hell yes! And, I have to say that if I am ever able to put the pain out of my head, my husband DOES appreciate it... because he KNOWS how painful those are for me.