@kivadbd1,
This is likely to be the one and only time that I use my valuable time to reply to you, so rather than snapping back at me with some defensive remark, I'd like to request that you take some time to READ what I write, and then takes some time to THINK about what I write. Actually ask yourself something like: "Could this be true?" before you just react.
I also was a Disloyal Spouse. I had an internet affair--so it was not PA but we did do sexting. I bring this up because I think part of your defensiveness is that to you it feels like people are Loyal Spouses blaming you and telling you that you were wrong. As a FORMERLY Disloyal Spouse, I'm telling you that right now the way you view your marriage is 100% bass ackward.
Right now, based on the way you write and speak (and I'm guessing, the way you think) you view your marriage and your spouse essentially from the view of "What's In It For Me?" as if your marriage is all about meeting YOUR needs and making YOU happy. It sounds like your view of your spouse is very similar: that she is there as a means of meeting YOUR needs and making her responsible for your happiness. Do you notice the similarity there? Everything is based on YOU. Now I'm not saying a person shouldn't be "self-aware" or "self-interested" but as it regards marriage, viewing it from a self-center is exactly backward.
Marriage means that you look at yourself and you make a promise to spend your whole life getting to know YOUR SPOUSE and meeting HER needs and acting in a way that is loving toward HER. That means you get to know her intimately--emotionally, mentally, physically--and based on knowing her that well and spending your time investing in HER, that you learn what HER needs are and then learn the ways she likes to have her needs met! That you study her and find out what her personality is, and what means "I love you" TO HER. See how the focus is not focused on your belly-button but on being the type of man who will honor his promise and focus on HER?
Now again, I'm not saying you should be a servant or beta--the truth is that she also stood up before family, friends and God and promised to spend her time investing in you and learning your needs too. This is where people get the idea that marriage is a two-way street, because HE meets HER needs and SHE meets HIS needs and both promise to focus on the other rather than selfishly looking at themselves!
And yet I'm fairly positive that at this point your head will say: "YEAH BUT SHE didn't hold up her end of the bargain! She didn't meet MY needs! She <insert excuse here>...."
@kivadbd1, the reason we say here on TAM that those are excuses and not "reasons" is because cheating of any kind is like murder--THERE IS NO ACCEPTABLE REASON FOR IT. None. If she was not meeting your needs, the acceptable thing to do is to first check yourself and see if maybe you got lazy meeting hers. If you didn't, the next acceptable thing to do is to have a talk with her at a time that is not emotionally charged and request what you'd like her to do (she is free to agree or disagree and offer an alternative she would be willing to do). The next acceptable thing to do is to have a firmer talk that is not a threat (in an attempt to make her do what you want) but is stating to her clearly, out loud, that her refusal to meet your needs is harming you and harming the marriage, and that you consider it to be breaking a vow--that she is completely free to make her choice, but you will not continue in a marriage that does not include <XYZ> and that if she chooses to <XYZ> the consequence of that choice is losing the marriage, you, and the benefits of you. The final acceptable thing to do is to separate--then file for divorce.
The fact that you chose to commit adultery is 100% ALL ON YOU. Not one iota of that choice is on her, because as adults all of us are personally responsible for our own choices. You had plenty of moral options you could have chosen, and instead you chose to act in an immoral way. True repentance not only means stopping the affair, but also a 180 degree, complete U-turn change in your heart and how you look and feel about marriage and your spouse. It means actually see that indeed it was YOU ... not them. Did her behavior contribute toward making an environment in which you chose to be unhappy and look elsewhere? Maybe a little--life doesn't happen in a vacuum-- but did she "make" you cheat through her neglect? HELL NO!!! I repeat HELL. NO.
So when you do truly repent, it's not a matter of spending the rest of your life "kiss her @ss" but rather being willing to spend the rest of your life proving to your Loyal Spouse that they were right to take the risk on you. It's not a matter of letting your spouse hold it over our head forever either--at some point the Loyal Spouse has to agree to put the weapon of "you had an affair!" down and release their right to recompense because that's what forgive means! But to me, as someone who is FORMERLY Disloyal, I realize that my Dear Hubby had to feel safe and heal from the hurt I caused him before he felt safe enough to put his weapon down!
Envision it this way: you were the one with the sword carving up her heart, then she FOUND OUT about the sword and picked up her own dagger to defend herself, and you said: "Oh sorry! Sorry" and suddenly you just want her to put down her dagger without ever showing her that you are not going to attack her again and without acting in any way that is safe and helping her (like bandaging her wounds). You expect your "Oh sorry, I won't do that again" to be enough even though those are only words and you act exactly like you did before the sword attack--you expect her to "just trust you" and you just ran her through with a sword!
So what we are saying to you is this:
FIRST see the sword in YOUR hand, have the inner courage to take personal responsibility and admit it was you...and not her.
SECOND, put your sword down and bandage her wounds.
THIRD, change the way that you act and think. Don't act and think like you did right before the sword attack or she'll expect another sword attack.
FOURTH, you broke the trust, so by acting and thinking about your marriage and spouse in an entirely new, different way, you take the time to slowly rebuild trust--not by forcing her to "just trust you" but by actually taking the time to ACT in a trustworthy way!