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I do respect her.. after all this I feel that I am the lucky one... I think some of it is that she did not want to blow up the entire 18 years for this. Not to say that she was not super pissed... and asks me a ton of questions. She knows I am truly sorry... but I think from here on out she will be looking for clues... I asked her if she trusts me and she said yes... It's as if she looks at me and says.... stupid man.... and some days she wants to know why I wanted sex with another person... I just told her it was exciting and I was being foolish... I mean it's not easy being in this spot... at least she did not leave...I think some of it is also that fact that she wanted to 'WIN' over the OW winning... if that makes any sense
You are minimising what you did so early on too, you are not remorseful. If you caught your wife banging someone else would it be ok if she said sorry hun I was just 'foolish'?

Evidence of your minimisation:
1. she didn't want to blow up the entire 18 years for this ( you are making what you did sound insignificant, if she did it to you, would it be so minor?)
2. Not to say she was not super pissed ( one is super pissed when one gets a flat tire, or is late for an appointment because of some other person's incompetence). How do your know your wife is not showing a brave front while you have totally broken her heart, or she looks at you in disbelief because it still hasn't sunk in what you did, she is in denial?)
3. It was exciting and I was being foolish, (really, that is what a teenage son tells his mum when he sneaks a cigarette or beer from the Dad's supply) not when a grown man decides to engage in a relationship outside his 18 year marriage!
4. I mean it is not easy being in this spot (wow you are psychopath, it still is all about you and how you feel, blah blah blah, poor you , the victim, you still have no empathy for your wife)
5. Your wife wanted to 'win' over the OW (FFS (and I do not swear) you are so full of ego and sxxx, it is still all about you, maybe your poor wife wanted to save her marriage for the kids, etc, although I cannot understand why, I hope she eventually kicks you out, you do not deserve her at all.

You are a POS tbh, you have managed to make this all about you, no empathy, no remorse at all for what you have done. Your wife is a saint to stay with you.

If you cannot see that what you have done is even wrong, hurt your wife, etc. then do her a favour and ask for a divorce, she doesn't deserve this at all. :surprise:
 

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Discussion Starter #22
MATT these two are friends as well.... and my wife is far more attractive than OW..... I didn't mean that she wanted to "win" but that she felt hey he messed up , but so did she... why ruin my life ... if we can work it out... in a strange way our communication is better than before.
 

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Discussion Starter #25
I am very remorseful, I was going and saying everything I could/can up to the point she said I was smothering her. I had to realize I have a choice, stay with a woman who loves me, or leave ....... I know I was wrong ... I know I hurt her feelings... and I know she does not trust me... I tell her everywhere I am at every minute of the day.

I try to make her days easier, I don't kiss her butt, she does not want that.... I listen.... something I never did before... I would listen to her only to try and solve her problem... I learned that she does not want me to solve her problem, she just wants me to listen.
 

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Discussion Starter #26 (Edited)
You are minimising what you did so early on too, you are not remorseful. If you caught your wife banging someone else would it be ok if she said sorry hun I was just 'foolish'?

Evidence of your minimisation:
1. she didn't want to blow up the entire 18 years for this ( you are making what you did sound insignificant, if she did it to you, would it be so minor?)
2. Not to say she was not super pissed ( one is super pissed when one gets a flat tire, or is late for an appointment because of some other person's incompetence). How do your know your wife is not showing a brave front while you have totally broken her heart, or she looks at you in disbelief because it still hasn't sunk in what you did, she is in denial?)
3. It was exciting and I was being foolish, (really, that is what a teenage son tells his mum when he sneaks a cigarette or beer from the Dad's supply) not when a grown man decides to engage in a relationship outside his 18 year marriage!
4. I mean it is not easy being in this spot (wow you are psychopath, it still is all about you and how you feel, blah blah blah, poor you , the victim, you still have no empathy for your wife)
5. Your wife wanted to 'win' over the OW (FFS (and I do not swear) you are so full of ego and sxxx, it is still all about you, maybe your poor wife wanted to save her marriage for the kids, etc, although I cannot understand why, I hope she eventually kicks you out, you do not deserve her at all.

You are a POS tbh, you have managed to make this all about you, no empathy, no remorse at all for what you have done. Your wife is a saint to stay with you.

If you cannot see that what you have done is even wrong, hurt your wife, etc. then do her a favour and ask for a divorce, she doesn't deserve this at all. :surprise:
I'm not sure this was cheating, it was EA at best no PA.... and mostly talking... but we did make an effort t hide it from her ... I know she has a right to be pissed off... I would be if she had a PA... but I know she has talked to men in the past... women are complex creatures.
 

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Well you did say directly that you wanted a f-ck buddy, but since you didn't want out you still wanted to hold onto your wife. Perhaps what changed your mind was the realization that your wife will f-ck other men, so you imagined you'd get some side fun but wife would be at home waiting for you. Unless she joined in for your pleasure, remember?

Please stop minimizing your EA with another woman, if it has to be hidden it's bullsh!t and you know it. Would you be ok with her having the same type of relationship with other men? Clearly not according to you.

If you wife was here I'd tell her to get rid of you. I'd suspect it's only a matter of time until you "make a mistake" again. I hope I'm wrong about that.
 

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I had a EA with wife's friend she knows about it.... we are in MC.... it's a long mess of a story and I guess D-Day was 5 months ago... I cannot believe she did not leave ... I think if she did this I would have left... is that typical , the female stays more often and the male leaves?
You are correct that "you think" you would leave. That's the point though isn't it. Credibility of how we'd deal with something is created when we have to deal with it. It's likely that she believed she would leave if you cheated before the fact as well.

I'm sure statistical data would show if one gender is more or less willing to attempt reconciliation.
 

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Kiva, EAs is cheating. Anytime you are taking time, energy, emotions that belongs to your wife and marriage away and giving it to someone else you are stealing. You got involved with the OW, trying to hide things from your wife.
What do you call that? I don't think you are taking full responsibility for your actions. You are still hiding and minimizing your actions.

About the OW, what kind of person does this to her best friend? She could not be that great because she has no morals and boundaries. So thats what you wanted.

You are very lucky your wife wants to still be with you. Keep working on it. Stop minimizing what you did and own up to your wrong doings.
Because if you don't, then, sooner or later, it gonna happen again.
 

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...Or, she is thinking about family, kids and finances.
Bingo... Tell him what he's won Johnny.

A pissed off room mate for the rest of your marriage.
 

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Kivadbd1

Just based of your posts in this thread I'm going to give you my opinion of what I see. Take it for what it's worth and do what you want with this. You had an EA with your wife's supposed best friend. If that's not good enough you wanted an open marriage for spicing things up. What is your view on intimacy? Why just give yourself away for a short period of feeling good? Are your morals that lacking?

If you haven't hurt your wife bad enough, you continue to inflict more damage. You question if you really had an affair. You took away her best friend, possible support for her. Then you show no remorse for your actions. You say you have hurt her, correction, you have destroyed and crushed her for being "foolish" in your words. I won't even start on the I wanted to have sex with someone else. Do you even know how much that hurt her?

So I see you have no respect for your wife, marriage, or yourself. You have destroyed your wife and a friendship she had for your selfish desires. You have zero remorse much less regret, and cannot own your actions. Your behavior is of intentionally inflicting pain on a woman who loves you. Many people here would love to have what you have, but you discard it for your own selfishness.

Then you say your wife wanted to "win" you away from the other woman. It's more along the lines of being in a competition that she never entered. She already "won" you when she said yes to marrying you. She even made vows to you and upheld them! I'm questioning what she "won", because I see nothing worth "winning".
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I know the EA was wrong.... if I was not happy with marriage I should have told my wife. In a crazy way I was punishing her by having the EA with her friend. I know that's sick, but I'm being honest. I know now that I have some personal demons. But the wife is not this glowing beacon of bliss at times either. I do not think she has ever cheated on me , but she might have I don't know.

As far as OW I did not have a PA..... and I have ceased all contact since the day wife found out.

It would be nice if I could get some concrete advice... instead of how bad I am

I mean for the ladies out there, where do I go from here?

Ok I admit it, I love her, I'm crazy about her, but now after the EA I am afraid she will use this against me, or I will make myself vulnerable...
 

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We can't give you advise because you are not sorry. You said a few times yeah I hurt her.....but she's not perfect. I know I crushed her.....but......

You are not sorry you will do it again. If you ever really loved your wife divorce her she deserves way way better than you.

You want us to help you fool your wife into thinking you are sorry and won't do it again.....but you will so no advice from me other than to leave your wife because she deserves better than you.
 

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Well for one thing stop making excuses as to why it wasn't that bad and thus you shouldn't need to be accountable for it. As for your wife "using it against you" that's something you'll have to suck up as she heals from this.

And stop trying to downplay what you did by theorizing that your wife MIGHT have cheated too unless you have actual evidence of it.

Stop dodging full responsibility. Yeah I know what I did was bad BUT.....its not so bad, she might have cheated, I don't want it thrown in my face, blah blah blah. All responses from a guy who doesn't take full responsibility and isn't willing to face consequences.

Ironic that someone who admits he did it to hurt his wife now doesn't think he should have to hurt by actually facing consequences. Not very good partner material.
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I know the EA was wrong.... if I was not happy with marriage I should have told my wife. In a crazy way I was punishing her by having the EA with her friend. I know that's sick, but I'm being honest. I know now that I have some personal demons. But the wife is not this glowing beacon of bliss at times either. I do not think she has ever cheated on me , but she might have I don't know.

As far as OW I did not have a PA..... and I have ceased all contact since the day wife found out.

It would be nice if I could get some concrete advice... instead of how bad I am

I mean for the ladies out there, where do I go from here?

Ok I admit it, I love her, I'm crazy about her, but now after the EA I am afraid she will use this against me, or I will make myself vulnerable...


First, I know your wife isn't perfect, nobody is including you. The best way to get a little rise out of me is to blame shift as that is what this is. You don't need advice on how to blame shift you are excelling at it on your own.

You just don't get it, nor do I have confidence you will, and against my better judgement ill try to point something out to you. Look deep within yourself, find the empathy you should have for your wife. Find the apologies she is owed, find that humiliation to beg for mercy. You screwed up huge, yet blame her, accuse her of cheating which is on page three of the cheaters script. Ask for forgiveness, show your wife with actions you are worth her love, show her you respect her, love her more then yourself for once.

Get that done and I'll offer more advice.
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I had to google empathy.... I cannot tell that it destroyed her.... but I will take your word for it... I try to put myself in her shoes... and when I do I would have likely left...I can see why she wants to know where I am at all the time, and what I am doing.... in her head if she thinks I am gone too long , say I'm at the store for too long.... she will say, "did you have a problem at the store" you normally get in and get out and do not browse" so I know she is thinking, is he doing something ?

If I text a person from work and laugh, she wants to know who I am texting and if I am talking to more women than just her friend. She wants to know if when I was traveling for business if I had ONS..... I tell her I have never cheated until now....

I am selfish, it's all about me and what I want and how I feel ... I wanted to keep my family and wife and also play around... I think that called cake eating.... but when I think of her with someone else, it infuriates the **** out of me..... she has really spoiled me for years.... and she continues to do it. I do love her and I want to stay married... but I do not think I have ever experienced love on the level that you guys are talking about. either giving it or feeling it... I am not saying that she does not love me... she leaves for work earlier than I do and kisses me goodbye every morning... that is my clue to get up... BUT I think she does that so she can have the bathroom to herself... ( JK)

I mean its not like we have always been this way... I never cheated until now.... there were years of happiness, raising children, vacation, homes, cars etc... I think maybe I'm at a point 47 , where I am disappointed with what I have accomplished and feeling that my best days are over....


I have told her there is no one else, that I do not want to leave, I text her, I talk to her, I listen to her, I try to show her I love her. I tell her how great she looks, she did say I have to stop f**cking her and start making love to her... that hurt me... because I knew then she was hurting.


But doesn't everyone look at a stranger and think man , attractive, I would do that in a minute... and then the thought leaves your head... ?
 

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I am selfish, it's all about me and what I want and how I feel ... I wanted to keep my family and wife and also play around... I think that called cake eating.... but when I think of her with someone else, it infuriates the **** out of me.....

But doesn't everyone look at a stranger and think man , attractive, I would do that in a minute... and then the thought leaves your head... ?


This thread is really making my head hurt.

:eek:
 

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I had to google empathy.... I cannot tell that it destroyed her.... but I will take your word for it... I try to put myself in her shoes... and when I do I would have likely left...I can see why she wants to know where I am at all the time, and what I am doing.... in her head if she thinks I am gone too long , say I'm at the store for too long.... she will say, "did you have a problem at the store" you normally get in and get out and do not browse" so I know she is thinking, is he doing something ?

If I text a person from work and laugh, she wants to know who I am texting and if I am talking to more women than just her friend. She wants to know if when I was traveling for business if I had ONS..... I tell her I have never cheated until now....

I am selfish, it's all about me and what I want and how I feel ... I wanted to keep my family and wife and also play around... I think that called cake eating.... but when I think of her with someone else, it infuriates the **** out of me..... she has really spoiled me for years.... and she continues to do it. I do love her and I want to stay married... but I do not think I have ever experienced love on the level that you guys are talking about. either giving it or feeling it... I am not saying that she does not love me... she leaves for work earlier than I do and kisses me goodbye every morning... that is my clue to get up... BUT I think she does that so she can have the bathroom to herself... ( JK)

I mean its not like we have always been this way... I never cheated until now.... there were years of happiness, raising children, vacation, homes, cars etc... I think maybe I'm at a point 47 , where I am disappointed with what I have accomplished and feeling that my best days are over....


I have told her there is no one else, that I do not want to leave, I text her, I talk to her, I listen to her, I try to show her I love her. I tell her how great she looks, she did say I have to stop f**cking her and start making love to her... that hurt me... because I knew then she was hurting.


But doesn't everyone look at a stranger and think man , attractive, I would do that in a minute... and then the thought leaves your head... ?


Kivadbd1

Truthfully I don't feel your marriage was so bad, and yet you cheated, with your wife's best friend. What were you trying to punish her for? Why do you think she cheated?
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I love her but I'm afraid she will use the ea against me.......again everything you type is about you. All we here is me me me help me fool my wife me me me.
Actually K you were up front and told us that one of your counselors said you were a psychopath and your wife a placatory. This is the reason why you find it difficult to identify with your wife and what she may be going through as psychopaths feel no empathy, remorse or guilt for their actions generally. That is just the way you are. I guess your wife knows you best and what you are capable of and not capable of.

It is difficult for us to 'advise' you as any advice would be based on the premise that you were truly remorseful for what you have done. It is clear from your posts that you have not reached that stage and may never. Sometimes one has to endure personal pain

My guess is that your wife already knows your capability in this area, has decided to carry the emotional load (as she has probably being doing all this time anyway), brush it aside and move on.

Nevertheless, you should be worried about what she will do, as a woman never forgets these things and unless you do all to make it up to her, then she may just be biding her time till the kids leave.

BTW are you Asian? I ask because if you are , culture plays a big role too.
 
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