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Discussion Starter #1
Or: I hate him for not loving me and I hate myself for loving him still

I've been trying not to txt him or communicate with him at all and was being so good about it for 5 weeks. Then this crazy hurricane Sandy came to the northeast and I was concerned about him (and also our home which I live in but we both still own) and txt'd him. And (of course) he let me down again.

We've been separated for 10 months, but he checked out emotionally almost 3 years ago. I am having an impossible time accepting that it is over since we have been married for 16 years. Its like he has completely lost touch with how I feel altogether. "On paper" his actions aren't mean -- no affair, still supporting me financially, no stealing, no shenanigans.

But he has crawled back into his shell completely. He will probably sit in his new apartment alone wthout power as the weather drops to near freezing because he has no real relationships anymore an no one to turn to. And instead of turning to me he does something so clueless.....aaarrrgggh!

He is so stupid. I don't even have time to write out clearly what I am feeling or what happened bec I only have access to wi-fi for a short time (all the cables are down). My therapist is unreachable because of the storm (power is out everywhere) and I was feeling so bad I just had to tell somebody.

I can't save him from himself. Why is he so blind to all the good we had together that he'd rather be so isolated and alone? And if he does, why would I want to be with someone like that?

Where's the guy I married? Who kidnapped him and replaced him with this lump who's entire life purpose seems to be to succeed at work and live in denial about what a shambles his personal life is in.

I think I should be filing for divorce but I am really not a quitter. But this is just ridiculous.

Thanks for listening.
 

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I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL! I've been married for 12 years - and I'm desperately trying to leave in the next week and half and it is SOOOO HARDDDDD! And to be honest - I just don't want to - abuse and all (now isn't that stupid??? emotional, not physical)

I want him to get it right. I want my family to be happy. I want him to love me back. I have to leave b/c the situation is abusive.

I understand not quitting, I understand the ridiculousness, heck, I even understand him not reaching out...my husband does the same thing.

I understand the hate him for not loving me...although hate is such a strong word and I try not to go there because I'm managing my anger.

Sometimes I wonder if the weight of responsibility and having to be accountable is more than they can bear and they get overloaded and just shut down/ veg out after a while...

Is your husband depressed? I think mine went through a sort of mid-life-crisis and that only made matters worse...

Be encouraged. This site has helped me alot...
 

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Why? Because part of you still wants to love him even though all other rational thoughts say other wise. You honor your vows and so you're going to defend loving him until you're absolutely ready to let go fo good.
 

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The best thing you could do right now is to keep your no contact going. Then get out there and work on yourself. AT some point one of two things will happen, he will come back to you or you will fall out of love with him. So you need to be ready for it when it happens.

I'm sure that the storm aftermath makes it all a lot harder.

He sounds depressed and like he will not seek out help for it. His isolation is a very good clue.

Just love yourself right now.
 

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Oh and the answer to "why do I still love him?..."

Because falling out of love is a process that takes time.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL! I've been married for 12 years - and I'm desperately trying to leave in the next week and half and it is SOOOO HARDDDDD! And to be honest - I just don't want to - abuse and all (now isn't that stupid??? emotional, not physical)

I want him to get it right. I want my family to be happy. I want him to love me back. I have to leave b/c the situation is abusive.

I understand not quitting, I understand the ridiculousness, heck, I even understand him not reaching out...my husband does the same thing.

I understand the hate him for not loving me...although hate is such a strong word and I try not to go there because I'm managing my anger.

Sometimes I wonder if the weight of responsibility and having to be accountable is more than they can bear and they get overloaded and just shut down/ veg out after a while...

Is your husband depressed? I think mine went through a sort of mid-life-crisis and that only made matters worse...

Be encouraged. This site has helped me alot...

cclady, Thank you for sharing. The things that you said in your post are so dead-on. Its like you know my husband.

He is in a midlife crisis. He is in personal therapy. He is very successful at work and lost a lot of weight and bought a new car. I believe him that there is no affair. I also believe him that he is happier in his 1 bedroom apartment with the only responsibilities of making his own dinner on his George Forman grill.

I don't hate him for not loving me - I just feel bad for him. I think he is really stupid to be throwing away my love and all of the good that we had together. The proverbial "throwing out the baby with the bathwater".

We got married young (age 22 & 23) and really grew up together. His midlife crisis seems very reminiscent of adolescence. Your mother raised you and changed your diapers and now you want to be treated like a grown-up so you act out and withdraw emotionally. Its like he thinks that all I see are the flaws. He says that every time he sees me, what he feels is the guilt and shame of disappointing me in the past. I don't think how we treated each other was at the level of "emotional abuse" - it was more like we had some dysfunctional patterns of relating to one another bec it was all we knew from my screwed up family and his.

I never really felt that I could live up to his expectations. I have clinical depression that wasn't treated until after we were married. I have always felt so guilty that when we got married I didn't know I had depression. And like he got stuck with "broken goods" that couldn't be returned to the store. We both spent a lot of time trying to fix each other and now we are each working on fixing ourselves.

I just wish we didn't have to do it alone. My heart is broken. It hurts so much. I cry every night.
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
Why? Because part of you still wants to love him even though all other rational thoughts say other wise. You honor your vows and so you're going to defend loving him until you're absolutely ready to let go fo good.
I am ready. For some reason the hurricaine put things in focus for me.

Married: 16.5 years
Started marriage counseling: Dec 2009
Stopped having sex: Nov 2010
Told me he wasn't sexually attracted to me: Feb 2011
I asked him to move out: Sep 2011
He moved to his own apartment: Dec 28 2011
Told me he doesn't ever see us reconciling as a couple: May 2012
My mother died: June 2012
My brother died: July 2012
I realized he's not ever coming back: Nov 2012

Throughout it all he says he respects me and cares about my wellbeing and wants to be my friend. I care about him so much but I know that if I'm ever going to get over him I need to not see him at all.

I don't really know how we can proceed with a divorce and not see eachother? We obviously have to meet to handle the pragmatics?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I spoke to him last night. He still cares about me and is a good person. But he's not coming back home and he knows it and I know it and he knows its hurting me a lot.

I asked him to file for divorce. I told him that I can't "celebrate" our 17th anniversary (June 2, 2013) this way. I told him that if he didn't do it, he would be forcing me to and that I wasn't going to "rescue" him by doing it for him. I told him that if he cares about me at all he wouldn't make me do it. He promised me and I believe him. He promised that he would "man up" and contact the marriage counselor to start working on the divorce. He promised me that I would not by married on my 17th anniversary.

I believe him. When he married me 16 years ago he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. Now he doesn't. He has never really lied to me about anything that he wasn't already lying about to himself.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Oh and the answer to "why do I still love him?..."

Because falling out of love is a process that takes time.
I know everyone has told me that "this too shall pass" and "give yourself time to grieve" and "time heals all wounds". After the year that I had with so much loss: my mother dying, my brother dying 3 weeks later, and throughout it all the separation and loss of my soulmate - the love-of-my-life, believe me I've been hearing that a lot. So many days it doesn't seem worthwhile to wake up in the morning. (I am seeing my therapist and taking my meds and I promised not to kill myself.)

Everyone says there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But from where I'm standing, it's a cave - not a tunnel. There's no way to get through.

I can't imagine not loving him, anymore than I can imagine the sun not rising in the morning or the world being flat.

I'm not sure that I believe there is such a thing as "falling out of love". You can amputate someone's arm and they may learn to cope and get a prosthetic and even overcome the loss. But they never stop loving and missing and grieving the arm that they lost.

Or do they?

I guess I'll find out
 

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DP, I hope you are doing better. I know how hard all this is. I haven't been on this site for awhile. I have since started talking to a guy who has some of the same hobbies as me that I met years ago at church. He has already let me know that he is interested. He knows that I am still married and he respects that. I don't have any real plans to start seeing him, but because I have been STARVING for love, affection, sex for so many years, I find myself thinking of him alot and look forward to his texting me just to say hello. I'm still married and I feel like this is wrong, but I plan on filing for seperation/divorce soon - in the mean time, I feel alot better about myself, and this man is a welcome distraction from all the negativity of my failed marriage. So instead of feeling depressed that my husband doesn't want me, today I went to the gym and thought briefly about what it would be like to spend some romantic time with this new man!!!! And after ALL the HELL my husband put me through - I THINK I DESERVE THAT!
Today, I feel happier and think less about his rejecting me and how much it hurts!
I hate to say it, but if I were you I'd do the same. NOBODY deserves to be rejected like you and I have. I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy.
There are other fish in the sea, and I plan on finding one!
 

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Good for you CC!

There is nothing quite like a new relationship to help with self esteem after the horrors of what most of us here are going through.

Allow yourself to be happy, you deserve it!
 

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Welcome back CClady :)

Happy to hear you're doing well , please continue the good job and divorce his a$$ asap !

My advice about that new guy : GO AHEAD and have a fun !

Right now you're married on a paper and if love isn't there that piece of paper means NOTHING !

Good luck and have a nice time !
 
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