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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Possibly a bit premature since and am fighting to just keep her BUT a LOT of our issues stem from a lack of sex. I want it, she does not or does not feel like it. She does not say anything, just rolls over and goes to sleep. Certainly was not this way years ago.

As part of our "new leaf" in communication, I WILL have this talk with her and find out what she considers a great sex life. If she answers with anything less than 2x/week, I could be screwed. We used to have sex 1x/week for a long time and it never was enough for me and drove me to porn and thoughts outside our relationship. I would MUCH rather have fun with her.

I know that she had a "girl friend" for a bit years ago, before us. It was an experiment for her. It certainly gets the fantasies flowing though:smthumbup: She used to perform oral pretty regular and got me so hooked on that. I do the same for her with no concerns, I love it.

When we sit down to discuss all of this, I really want to have some ideas to spice things up. All we have done for the past year or two is very routine. I also am not sure how to discuss this but if I take her on a date or night out, I want to get some. Every single time, we get home, we go to sleep... I am NOT 60!!! It makes me NOT want to take her out.

I also wanted to ask simply, if woman can truly enjoy giving oral pleasures or if this seems more of a chore? I read that if a partner sees a sex act as "work or chore", it will not work out. I really want that and if she cannot enjoy it, this could spell problems. I feel that my willingness to lick her head to toe should have some reciprocation.

I guess I will also have to figure out how to get her in the mood to have sex. I always though a night out would do it but nope. Kids out of the house, nope...
 

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I love doing it. It turns me on to do it, to know he's excited, and that he's putty in my hands (or mouth, as it were).

I don't think I could orgasm from it like one of the guys' wives on here, but it definitely gets me going.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I supposed I will have to mention it but when we met, I told her I had never cum from a BJ and she took that on as a mission and she could seriously pull the chrome of a hitch! I did not need any action for a couple days! Swallowing has always excited me. Now she seems to want to spit. I think she started this when she was pregger so really anything was good to get.

I really think I am going to have to tell her that she is a bit selfish because she sure makes me work for like 20+ min on her and I will do whatever is required but if I ask her reciprocate, she usually will for a while but does not act enthused and really wants me to have sex with her ASAP. I kind of feel like we ALWAYS work on what she needs and never what I need.

Also, maybe this has been asked but, during the "days of the month", is it maybe acceptable to at least get some for of stimulation or is that maybe an insult since she cannot fully get involved? I have had to really ask and only a hand full of times got a hand job from this. She USED to be very considerate in that respect and took care of me.

I don't want to come off selfish myself but I know she will just say "all you think about is sex" but yeah, when I never get any, I DO. I am not sure if she finds me unattractive anymore or what.
 

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I guess it's different for different women.

I love to give oral and get it.

During that time of the month I also have no problem with sex. Just need to be extra neat and some things are not a good idea. It actually makes me feel better and releaves a lot of the PMS symptoms. Women should really try it.

Your wife has to know that a sexless marriage is not acceptable. 2x a week is completely reasonable. She needs to work with you to get her sex drive back up. Perhaps the two of you would benefit from seeing a MC who is also a sex therapists. They have ideas of ways to get the juices running again.
 

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I always go down on my wife until she cums but she will only go down on me as part of foreplay. Very rarely do I get a full BJ and she won't swallow. While dating, things were different. But I have no problem with any of this because our sex life has picked up. When it was lacking, it annoyed me more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I appreciate the reply. We are really working through a LOT of issues right now but I see this as a great time to get this sex issue on the table like now. The MC is a must for me as I have told her. We need it. However, do I literally look up sex therapist in the phone book? How do I find one and know they can really help?

I will say this, it seems that when we simply talk things out, things work. We just have a serious communication issue and NEVER really talk about sex at ALL. It is never planned, never anticipated, and usually ONLY happens at night or morning in bed if I rub on her for like an hour.... She will NEVER instigate it. She used to but not like I would prefer which was usually a phone call of "get your azz in here and f*** my brains out, which gets me pretty excited..
 

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It is different for different women.

A sexless marriage is not healthy, but as you said there is a lot going on. For me, sexual desires are more emotional than just the physical act of doing it. In order for me to want to have that type of intimacy with my husband I have to feel as though he really wants me, not just some meaningless romp in bed. That comes from communication, the way he treats me, etc.

Instead of focusing on the sex issue, why not focus more on your communication? If your wife feels more understood/appreciated, she may be more willing to please you. Sex just seems to be a symptom of the problem, but not the main problem itself. Work at communicating better and then go from there.
 

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My experience with oral is this:
It was out of the question for 40 years. Sex itself was OK but pretty ordinary. Then she said she didn't want sex any more. After 5 years of this she realized we were drifting apart so we resumed a sex life that was more active than ever. AT this time she readily accepted me doing oral on her. 2 months later the sex stopped altogether. That was almost 3 years ago now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks. I do agree that our other issues are most likely causing this but I also want to put our sex life in the front street as something that needs work. I am really hoping that if I treat her right, it will work but I almost feel as well that just asking what frequency she considers healthy. I am not in for ANY more years of this and I feel that even though I have taken her out many times, we still don't have sex.

Anonymous, let me ask this straight up, what really lights the candle for you? Is it the compliments that make you feel sexy? Is it kissing? etc? I know it is different for each but I may have to try some things. I will admit though, I do not tell her she looks dead sexy each day. I think it but don't say it. I need to pick up some key helpers to get this going again.

Am I just in dream land to want to feel desired too? I think a LOT of my frustration comes in that i really don't feel I am that hot dude I was 10 yrs ago. I kind of like being pursued too. Does that just wander off with time or is it reasonable to think if I make her feel sexy, she will return the favor?
 

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Thanks. I do agree that our other issues are most likely causing this but I also want to put our sex life in the front street as something that needs work. I am really hoping that if I treat her right, it will work but I almost feel as well that just asking what frequency she considers healthy. I am not in for ANY more years of this and I feel that even though I have taken her out many times, we still don't have sex.

Anonymous, let me ask this straight up, what really lights the candle for you? Is it the compliments that make you feel sexy? Is it kissing? etc? I know it is different for each but I may have to try some things. I will admit though, I do not tell her she looks dead sexy each day. I think it but don't say it. I need to pick up some key helpers to get this going again.

Am I just in dream land to want to feel desired too? I think a LOT of my frustration comes in that i really don't feel I am that hot dude I was 10 yrs ago. I kind of like being pursued too. Does that just wander off with time or is it reasonable to think if I make her feel sexy, she will return the favor?
Have you ever both looked at the 5 Love Languages?
The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

For me, I love physical touch, quality time with my husband, and words of affirmation. I absolutely love when I am doing the dishes and my husband comes up behind me and hugs me from behind and kisses me on the neck. I just melt. Personally, I don't like being called 'sexy', 'hot', and other similar descriptions, but I do love to hear my husband call me beautiful, gorgeous, and so on.

Communication is definitely important, but you also have to make sure you are communicating in a way that is not offensive or demeaning to your wife. Telling her that she is selfish, she doesn't do this or that, really won't help you all that much. That will only make her defensive. I really think that if you put in the effort to make her feel great, she is much more likely to want to do things for you. Do things for her without expecting anything in return, and then when she does do something for you that you like, make sure to let her know that you really appreciate/enjoy it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Well, I really think part of our new leaf is that we seem to lack communication and at some point, maybe with your thoughts and ideas, I would like to approach carefully what I want and need and REALLY want to know what she wants and desires. Everyone has fantasies and I would like to know hers as well as how I can make the experience better.

Also, without hopefully offending and/or starting another thread, I wanted to just ask about anal. It is something I never thought I would do but found myself wanting to try it with her and really enjoyed it. It was quite the opposite for her. She has allowed it a few times but has indicated that she does not like it. Does this seem like a brick wall and to stop dreaming or is it possible that with the right things in place, this could be a better experience for her? I know she bought a toy to even try to experiment but she really wanted the toy anally and me vaginally. We did the opposite. I guess I am hoping we can figure something out in this department.
 

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Well, I really think part of our new leaf is that we seem to lack communication and at some point, maybe with your thoughts and ideas, I would like to approach carefully what I want and need and REALLY want to know what she wants and desires. Everyone has fantasies and I would like to know hers as well as how I can make the experience better.

Also, without hopefully offending and/or starting another thread, I wanted to just ask about anal. It is something I never thought I would do but found myself wanting to try it with her and really enjoyed it. It was quite the opposite for her. She has allowed it a few times but has indicated that she does not like it. Does this seem like a brick wall and to stop dreaming or is it possible that with the right things in place, this could be a better experience for her? I know she bought a toy to even try to experiment but she really wanted the toy anally and me vaginally. We did the opposite. I guess I am hoping we can figure something out in this department.
I would just make sure, when you talk with your wife, that she feels like you are truly listening to her and understand her point of view. If you don't, you won't get anywhere.

In regards to anal, if she has already expressed that she does not like it, then I think you need to respect her on that and just drop it. My husband brought up anal once and because I love him, decided I would try it to please him. I hated it! It was painful and honestly, the anus is not meant for that and it can cause permanent damage to that muscle(anal sphincter). Do you really think it would feel great to have something shoved up your a$$? She has already told you she does not like it, so it's time to move on. There are other things you can do that can give you both pleasure, instead of it being one sided.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
That seems fair and honest. I did take the test in your link and score a perfect 12 for physical touch, followed by words of affirmation. I have never really felt that she touches me much and I really enjoy that. Anything from laying on me, the reaching in my pants. I have told her numerous times that I really like being scratches softly. She rarely does that. Seems like we have a lot to work on.... We just need ALONE time as I told her. Small house, 2 kids and a dog... What has always frustrated me is when the kids disappear, I want to get down to some form of physical intimacy real quick. She really wants to get down to either sleeping or relaxing. I guess I should try to read between the lines there but I want to relax too but feel that our relationship is more important.
 

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What has always frustrated me is when the kids disappear, I want to get down to some form of physical intimacy real quick. She really wants to get down to either sleeping or relaxing. I guess I should try to read between the lines there but I want to relax too but feel that our relationship is more important.
Forget about reading. Intimacy is achieved through verbal dialog. She is challenging you to state what you want and you should take up the challenge in a firm, positive fashion. In return, let her state what she wants. My humble advice is to get the frequency where you want it and let her make her wishes known in return
 

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That seems fair and honest. I did take the test in your link and score a perfect 12 for physical touch, followed by words of affirmation. I have never really felt that she touches me much and I really enjoy that. Anything from laying on me, the reaching in my pants. I have told her numerous times that I really like being scratches softly. She rarely does that. Seems like we have a lot to work on.... We just need ALONE time as I told her. Small house, 2 kids and a dog... What has always frustrated me is when the kids disappear, I want to get down to some form of physical intimacy real quick. She really wants to get down to either sleeping or relaxing. I guess I should try to read between the lines there but I want to relax too but feel that our relationship is more important.
Try having her take the quiz as well, after talking with her, and then you can see more of what she wants/needs.

Also, does she feel as though you help out a lot with the kids and around the house?

Having a husband who helps out around the house speaks wonders to many women and many would consider that the beginning of foreplay. That can really show a woman you care and appreciate her, just by doing some small things for her. If she is truly tired after a long day, then cuddle up next to her as you both relax. Not every single time you are alone has to result in sex or something sexual.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
As a matter of fact, one of our core issues has been my lack of help. I used to but was not getting anything out of it so I completely stopped. Sort of backfired... I just got done with what I would call the perfect home dinner. We all helped. My son and I did the dishes and kitchen, she washed the 2yo. I also told her I would like to make dinner for the fam at least once per week.

I appreciate the nod on household help. It is something I do not mind doing and if it leads to better things, I might become Mr mom....

I am not looking for sex every day or encounter. I truly enjoy her scratching my back and putting me out like a light as well as rubbing her feet.

I have been holding some very odd hours for work and I think she is pretty frustrated with that.
 

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As a matter of fact, one of our core issues has been my lack of help. I used to but was not getting anything out of it so I completely stopped. Sort of backfired... I just got done with what I would call the perfect home dinner. We all helped. My son and I did the dishes and kitchen, she washed the 2yo. I also told her I would like to make dinner for the fam at least once per week.

I appreciate the nod on household help. It is something I do not mind doing and if it leads to better things, I might become Mr mom....

I am not looking for sex every day or encounter. I truly enjoy her scratching my back and putting me out like a light as well as rubbing her feet.

I have been holding some very odd hours for work and I think she is pretty frustrated with that.
The next time the 2 of you talk, tell her "I am trying to be a better husband and want to know what I can do to help our marriage." Then just listen to her response. Don't interrupt her, don't try to defend yourself, just nod your head and think about what she is saying. If she says she is feeling overwhelmed by doing so much at home, then try to help out more with that. If she says she wants you to show her love in a different way, then try that and see how it goes.
 
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