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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I are having marital problems, he can be very self absorbed, he is an engineer, and I am totally upset, lost and angry. I wrote him this email this morning, and he has yet to reply, he is not good with emotions. Please read it and tell me what I am doing wrong. I have seen a counselor in the past, and I know communication is the biggest issue with us, plus he is selfish, he has not taken me on a date in two years, nor made me any sort of a dinner I like. We moved to another state which is honestly not even comparable to Colorado, and he does not even think I have sacrificed anything. He gets jealous if I have a good day, so I don't tell him if I enjoyed something with our only child. Like if I went to the zoo, I can't tell him. He ignores the fact that I am not well, I have been sick for some time, herinated disks, sprained ankles, chronic cough, but because I still look sexy, nothing is wrong, although all my tests are showing a problem. They are still in the process of findings for a diagnosis. Please help me see things from a mans perpective, how can I communicate better? Here is the email I wrote..


"I would like to express to you how I feel... In the last two years, you only touch me when you want sex, and it hurts my feelings, and it seems like I am always doing things for you without any sort of return pleasure. I would like to be more intimate, yet there is no romance in my life, and that is important to me.

Breaking our agreement upon moving here in regards to finding a cheaper home, etc.. has put a ton of stress on me, Pittsburgh has been very challenging in so many ways, and I am having a hell of a time finding good doctors, it appears the good doctors move to areas where they also have a quality of life.
My quality of life has dramatically decreased since our move, and it has deeply hurt my feelings that you just brush off the fact that I gave up my friends, doctors, work and support system and I feel that you think this move is no big deal, just like me selling the home on my own with a toddler.

I feel really left out of the whole scheme of this new life here in Pittsburgh, and even though I am trying to make it work, it is not easy. I miss my friends, I miss the ease of life in Colorado plus the beauty, and I miss Victoria having friends in the area.

I expressed to you how important is was for me to get my health in check, that something was clearly wrong, and that if I was to make this move to Pittsburgh, that would be a top priority. I feel like I am fighting my way in getting what is important to me regarding my health and I don't feel like I have the support that I need. The doctors here are measurable, and it is already a struggle in general for woman to get good care, so I have to be dutiful and demanding that they take my issues seriously, if I do not get the proper care, I worry I won't see Victoria graduate. It is that serious, I have slipped through the cracks for years now, and I need to make my health a priority.


I am telling you this not for you to be defensive and become mean, but to try and express what I am going through and how things effect me. I felt total aggression from you last night, and I had terrible nightmares, I understand you are sad and frustrated, but how you handle the situation last night only makes things worse, not better.


The aggression I am feeling from you is really affecting me, and it is only making me want to crawl deeper within my self, not become intimate. I am truly struggling right now, I feel like I went through a terrible wave over the summer and I am now left with starting over and picking up the pieces.

I believe we love one another but the way we are communicating is not healthy and it is not going to improve our relationship or quality of life. I am trying to start something again with emails, that is how our relationship started and I am a much better writer than speaker.


Please understand that I am telling you how I am feeling, and how I am struggling with the new environment here, and how I wish to be treated with empathy, love, support and understanding".
 

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Your note is very effective. You are letting him know what you are feeling, wanting and needing. Many times a written media lends it self better to getting feelings out without a lot of emotion. You have made an excellent case for how you “feel” and that is important for him to understand. My only suggestion would be to try and address some of his wants or needs along with his. That will make it more of an offer to work together. OBTW I spent several weeks in Pittsburg many years ago on business and found it to be a very pleasant surprise. It can have a lot to offer. Good luck.

PS I hope you are able to get your health issues under control.
 

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Well written but it will not be well recieved I think he will have to be defensive because instead of saying we need to be more intimate or I need more of a connection with you, you pin it all on him as it is all his fault, just something to think about and I hope you post his reply and how you continue forward.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Yes, I see how I pinned it on him, I am angry with myself that I let him bully me into a home before I arrived here. The home broke our agreement to find something cheaper than our last home and it has forced me back into the work force. Luckily I have experience in bartending and was able to find a part time job doing that. However, in that arena of jobs comes what I call the "crazy" people, and I work with a few, but I can manage it. I understand that I am pinning it on him, and have to learn how to communicate without making him defensive that is why I found this site and truly appreciate it. I am just so angry that he did not listen to my needs upon the move here. My husband is a good man, he just does not see how he can be at times, and I am angry at myself because I do not know how to handle it. Here was his response..


"Let's make Wednesday nights our regular romance night. Put Victoria in daycare, I will come home early and we can go out (or not) and just do things as a couple. 90% of the time I touch you, to give you a kiss, hug you or rub your back, I do not hope for anything more than that. I make no apologies for the other times - how can you think it is unreasonable for a loving husband to touch his wife and want to be intimate with her and make love with her?

Again, you're acting like you were not part of the decisions that were made. You have to accept responsibility for your part in the decisions we make. It amazes me that you do not think about what it would have been like if we stayed in Colorado - no job - no income. Paul called today and said the Denver area is still very bad for jobs.

I am empathic with you. I do love, support and understand you. There's a fine line with empathy though. If I am unconditionally empathic, I end up enabling your behavior. We all have things in our life that we do not like or are unhappy with. To make them the focal point of your life so much of the time destroys your life and the lives around you. Yes, your health is serious and you are making effort to deal with it. I constantly tell you I want to go with you to see your doctors. I really feel that I coming with you helps me understand what they are saying and (it is unfortunately the case,) they will take you more seriously.

We both need to make more effort to make a life for ourselves here. It's not going to happen automatically and it will take some time.

I don't know why you think me feeling sad about you not wanting to be intimate with me and going to bed frustrated is being aggressive towards you. I can understand you are not happy I brought up a difficult subject you are not comfortable discussing, but aggressive, no""
 

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Your husbands note back to you is lovely, and I think the two of you can get to the bottom of these feelings as you are communicating openly. Written media is so effective in a situation like this as it allows you to think through what you want to say without blurting it all out wrong in a emotional heap.

Good luck, it sounds like you have allot going for you.
 

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Just an FYI, Pennsylvania is short on doctors b/c the malpractice insurance is through the roof... a few years ago the doctors all moved away b/c of this. Good luck.
 

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I know you feel hurt, however it seems your husband wants to be a part of your life and is loving and willing to work at the relationship.

It seems to me that you have a few issues.

1) the move. It would seem you both agreed even if you did so begrudgenly. However, what would the life had been like with out his job in denver. What happens when you lost that house and he couldn't pay for food? Leaving friends and family is no doubts hard. If you are outgoing enough why not look for ways to make friends in the area?

2) Doctors ~ Correct me if I am wrong but isn't OH, WV and NY all within driving distance from where you live even if you have to make a day of it it is worth traveling to see a specialist. I use to trave two hours one way to see one every six months.

3) Touch ~ I think you need you revisit his touch. He say 90% are just innocent. Maybe if you back up and see every time he hugs you before he leaves or kisses you hello, a back rub during a movie etc. Maybe you have been so mad that the real issue has made issues out of things that never where a problem.

It really sounds to me that the stress of moving has caused every other problem including you feeling isolated. Your husband is willing to work with you. If you can get over this bump things might be alot better for the both of you.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you for your insight, and I appreciate the positive feedback, the move and my health have been the stressors and we do just need to get over this hump, we love each other a great deal and it is good to have forums like this to get feedback. I did not know about the medical issues here, and I am willing to travel if I have to. Thank you for all the support and your feedback!
 

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svsrob, The things you talk about with your health and how your doctors have not been able to get to the bottom of it, makes me wonder if you don't have Lupus or some other auto-immune type thing going on. Lupus is very hard to diagnose and especially if the doctor is not familiar with it. It took them years to diagnose my mother. She spent most of my childhood in the hospital and they even went as far to tell her that she was crazy - it was all in her head.

Sometimes it's hard for a healthy person to truly understand what the ill person is going through (speaking frome experience). I took care of my mom for quite sometime and sometimes it seemed like it was the center of my life as well as hers and I got really tired of it...and at times I felt like by being so supportive, I was "enabling" what felt at times like her infatuation with being sick...it wasn't infatuation, it is something that is slowly destroying her body.

Try to be understand of what your husband is saying about his empathy, but don't let him get away with not being sensitive to it. I know it sounds cold or unfeeling to get angry when someone you love is ill....but I guess the anger is in some ways fear maybe. I still get mad and resentful of the time it takes to care for my mom, but I don't take it out on her because I realize now what I'm angry at and it's not her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Yes, I can understand that he may feel he is enabling, but he is not. He wants me to do everything, and if he is at all asked to do something he does not want to he becomes rude and it is offensive. I told him that if we were to move and I have to give up my friends, support group, and everything I have worked so hard to get to move here, then I want to focus on getting healthy, buying a cheaper home, and not working for a year. My husband makes good money and we could of bought down. I should be positive, but I am so angry with him I can't even explain it. I am on my own with my illness, it is serious and I have to take care of a young child. My husband picked out a big house that is a fixer upper that is forcing me back into the work force. I said I did not want this house, and now I am stuck on top of that with a Crazy neighbor which is making it worse. He bullied me into this house with threats and I now feel over whelmed, and I have been here six months, but I am not happy. My husband is not autistic but has some of the wonderful traits, like only listening to others that he feels are experts, yadda yadda yadda. He was mad because he did dishes the first time in seven years and a dirty dish came to him, he became super rude, and realized I as on the phone and stopped himself. I am just venting, I just need to get some of this out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
1) the move. It would seem you both agreed even if you did so begrudgenly. However, what would the life had been like with out his job in denver. What happens when you lost that house and he couldn't pay for food? Leaving friends and family is no doubts hard. If you are outgoing enough why not look for ways to make friends in the area?

I agreed if he agreed to meet my needs, I had a job there in Denver, I told him something was wrong with me and I needed to get it sorted out. He had two offers one where we did not have to move, he took this one because it is with his dream company. He now lies and says he never had another offer.

2) Doctors ~ Correct me if I am wrong but isn't OH, WV and NY all within driving distance from where you live even if you have to make a day of it it is worth traveling to see a specialist. I use to trave two hours one way to see one every six months.

I am new to this area, I have no problem driving, I have driven two hours out of the way, to be told they were not prepared to deal with my complaints. I have contacted the Pittsburgh School of Medicine for some recommendations and that worked. I have a toddler and trying to haul her, and do everything else when you feel like you have the flu on a constant basis sucks period. I have made some friends, however between doctors visits, preschool and my new job, I have little time to myself or to make new friends. I am not feeling well and won't be able to start treatment for five weeks.

3) Touch ~ I think you need you revisit his touch. He say 90% are just innocent. Maybe if you back up and see every time he hugs you before he leaves or kisses you hello, a back rub during a movie etc.

The problem is my husband can be selfish, and I see it in his family as well. I am tired and instead of helping make my life easier he treats me like I should be some sort of super woman. He can't even get my daughter dressed when he looks after her, the t.v. is more important. I have to write down everything for him to do while I work two nights a week. It is ridiculous. He does only touch me when he wants sex, I held his hand the other night, he was like oh this is nice, he always wants me to do date night, cook, make things romantic, if it takes energy, he wants me to do it. He told me that he works and that should be enough. I work too, and still have to maintain the house, he should help. period.
 

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It was good you didnt threaten the relationship. You did a great job telling him what bothered you.

You could have thrown in some things he does well so its not all negative.

It would be good if you didnt try witholding the way you do things for him. This type of tit for tat behavour doesnt encourage a positive future.

Use love and patience instead of negative type behavours. I also think you need to work on your own happiness independent of your husband. You have some medical issues to sort through and I here Pittsburgh actually has some good medical care (I am in the profession).

good luck
 

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I sense that you are still angry about much things. You feel cheated about the fact that you have to move away from all your friends, then you have to keep house and work on top of that to make ends meet. Think about all the stuff that makes you angry and write them down then discuss them.
 

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Your husband wrote you a lovely, consoling letter with some tender offers that address exactly what you had issues with; my question, then, is shouldn't you be communicating with him, instead of of finding more things that make you angry? You must understand how hard it is to be the spouse of someone chronically ill; it is horrible. Especially with a lack of diagnosis, and your anger and fear about it. Men want to fix things, they want to be the strong hero, and with all this mystery regarding your health he has to feel impotent and a failure, not having a metaphoric dragon to slay for you. You need to turn down the venom and talk to him as your husband, not the guy who in your estimation has made all the wrong decisions and made your life hell. I recommend counseling for you, and the sooner the better. You need to learn some ways to deal with your problems. Also, a counselor could probably give a physician invaluable help in finding out what exactly is wrong with your health.
 

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I understand your position, but I think his answer is very lovely. On the other hand, I'm happy I didn't go to Pittsburgh as I originally thought. I hope you two and both try and make it better in Pitt.
 

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It seems to me, by reading between the lines and reading your descriptions of who said and did what, that neither of you are experiencing the relationship as emotionally safe. I doubt that whatever communication difficulties you two have is at the heart of the issue. I think getting some professional help (sooner rather than later) would be a good way to start to build some emotional safety, trust and repair in to the relationship.

I wish you well, as I know these are not painful times for both of you.
 
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