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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Like many others, I found this sight while 'googling' phrases like "top ten signs your spouse is cheating."...and like many others here, spent about 2-3 weeks not wanting to believe I wasn't dreaming, and that she really had decided to end our marriage. Thanks for all the upfront and honest (honesty, what a great concept..) comments found on this board. More than a few times, the mere existence of this board kept me from opening my mouth, and unleashing the dragon that my bride has slitheringly become after 15 years of marriage, one 10 year old son(whom truly is all I care about currently), and a laundry list of things I have done in the past that she cannot forget, let alone forgive...(I know, sounds familiar...)

I will admit, I am not perfect, and am definately part of the reason she has decided to move on, and has fallen out of love (^^^see also : "I love you, I"m just not in love with you.)
Right now, she is approximately 50 miles away (installed gps tracker, begrudgingly, after reading some posts here, THANK YOU>) Now that normally wouldn't be a problem in and of itself...it's just that she was supposed to be 20 miles away, having taken advantage of my generous "favor" to watch our son last night so she could go out with some girlfriends drinking, with the possibility of staying on a couch vs. driving.(red flagsl~!)
A couple hours after she left, I checked the tracker, and imagine my surprise when I realized she was across the next state border, going 87 mph. Long and short of it, she spent the night at one of her FB friends house...a male, whom she's known since high school....insert script, it fits to a T.
Well, when I saw that she was on the way back, I sent her a text asking where she'd gone to party, and stayed knowing I would have a timestamped response that clearly would not match up with documented GPS coordinates. Rather than being truthful..she explained that she "slept on the couch"...
Recent odd behavior:
--October 31: Declared that we are seperated, and either I move out, or she would. In a pathetic gesture of salvation, I moved to a hotel for a week, but then convinced her I needed more time to prepare, it was not fiscally possible.
--taking birth control pills even though she has cut me off sexually, well, physically. If I try to touch her while we are in bed, she gets up, and hits the couch. Now this is entirely new. 16 years of 2-3 times a week now zero for the past three weeks.
--cell phone guardian, takes it to the bath, to work, to bed to everywhere. it is 'off limits' to me though. I've been trying for 3 weeks to get it to load spyware to no avail.
--on Facebook constantly, 340ish 'friends'...
--spent 3 of 4 full weekends away from home last month: excuses: camping with girl from work and her boyfriend(my wife has repeatedly hated the idea of us going camping..."eww~~!!! No shower, no way."
--has somehow decided that this is ALL my fault, and that I have never been worth a damn...she's wasted 15 years of her life, etc.
So, right now I'm contemplating hiding her birth control pills, since she forgot to take them with her last night...and given the circumstances, I imagine she will freak oout in a big way. I have a VAR , and plan on asking her "What's the big deal? I Thought they were to regulate your period..." Thoughts? She'll be here relatively soon, so am hopeful I can get some/any feedback. Sorry for the long post.
Addin: forgot to mention, she got a letter from "The Clinic" and had tested negative for all stds! She's never gotten them run before-am wondering if OM requested to protect family
Addin2: on the way home apparently her foot, or knee crunched the gps (plugin to OBDII port)-so, no more tracking for now, and am out $169...best $ I ever spent on her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Forgot to ask: Should I expose her now, or wait for further information/evidence? I have no proof of sex act, photos, VOR recordings, texts, chats, etc. Thanks in advance.
 

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http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Read the above link. Expose once you have sufficient evidence for you to know she is commiting adultry.

Do not reveal what evidence you have nor do you tell your wife when you are going to expose.

When you confront your wife be confident and do not let her make you doubt yourself and never let on how much you do or do not know.

The confrontation is you telling her you know she is having an affair with xxx and you have hard evidence to support you. Continue to state you will not allow three people into your marriage . Your wife will typically lie and deny or demand evidence , ignor her and state the requirments for your marriage to survive .

A hand written no contact letter , full access by yourself to all her mails and phones, a timeline of the affair.

She will likely take this underground so be prepared and have a var in her car, keyloggers loaded and a tracker on her phone or in her vehicle .

When exposing the OM be efficient and clinical , you dont need pages of evidence , the evidence should be enough that they cannot deny the affair

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Hollow

Get more evidence.stop being the babysitter. That just enables her.

See an attorney for advice. The first visit is free.

Take control of the finances.

Do you own your house?

Whose name is on the mortgage?

And stop being the babysitter.

She might not want to be married anymore but her behavior as a parent is dismal.

So start getting prepared for the future and do not let her know what you are doing.

HM64
 

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Sorry for what you are going through. Going through the same thing here.

Advice: Line up friends and family and talk with them. Get into IC and talk. Read this forum and listen to the advice (something I should have done). Be there for your children. Let her move out.

This is going to be very tough for you - with a lot of lows - but you will get through them with the help of your support network. For me, it was an actual physical pain for about 4 weeks. Still hurts, but it gets better... Slowly.

Look at what your wife has become and realize that SHE has changed and you are longing for the past. You can build a new relationship with your "new" wife, but realize your old marriage is dead. And it takes two to build a new relationship, if your wife has checked out, just move on ASAP.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I was afraid you'd say something like that...but am grateful. Truth hurts, but not as much as the lying, cheating, woman in crisis that once stole my heart and soul. Now she's doing a great job of slicing & diving--feels more like puree. Thank you (everybody!) for the kind words and assistance.
Sorry for what you are going through. Going through the same thing here.

Advice: Line up friends and family and talk with them. Get into IC and talk. Read this forum and listen to the advice (something I should have done). Be there for your children. Let her move out.

This is going to be very tough for you - with a lot of lows - but you will get through them with the help of your support network. For me, it was an actual physical pain for about 4 weeks. Still hurts, but it gets better... Slowly.

Look at what your wife has become and realize that SHE has changed and you are longing for the past. You can build a new relationship with your "new" wife, but realize your old marriage is dead. And it takes two to build a new relationship, if your wife has checked out, just move on ASAP.

Good luck.
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Well you know that in one of the coming weekends she's going to going to his place again. So I'd make a plan around that. do you have cash to hire a PI? You know where she's going to meet him via the GPS so you could have the PI get pics and details. Since it's so far away they are likely going out to restaurants etc, so pics of them on their date should be possible too.

Find out every detail about him that you can - is he married? Perhaps his wife was away last night?

I'd also grab her panties from the laundry and have them checked for semen at a lab.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks Shaggy,
I'm certain she will run off to the "loveshack" as often as feasibly possible(I may even offer to babysit to facillitate gathering of info, not because I want to, but because I need to turn this around and put the 'control' back on my (and my son's) side of the fence.
Some great ideas. I hadn't thought of the panties...they may 'disappear' just like the birth control pills--her reaction to that: "It's kind of important that we find those...." I bet so~! I didn't get the chance to respond with "What's the big deal? You just got them to regulate your period, right?"...I guess that'll come after the sperm clot in her vagina simmers a bit longer, and the sweat beads double in volume on her forehead...
:eek:
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I'm pretty certain he is married. Conveniently enough, she lives in presumeably their home in a town 35 miles away from his apartment, which I think maybe a corporate suite--so that may have ramifications as well.

Also found out that he was likely introduced, or met via being a friend of my brother-in-law.
There are multiple pictures that are the same pasted on both my wife, and his pages--one of which was supposedly taken while she was 'camping' with only her office mate and that girls boyfriend.
The suspected "liked" it on her page...the only 'like' or comment about it at all.
 

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If you KNOW she's having an affair, why bother with the rest of the evidence gathering? You KNOW. Does it really matter if anyone else knows?

If you want to get a divorce, just file.

If you want to try to save your marriage, then confront her and tell her you KNOW she is having an affair and with whom. Tell her you KNOW, but don't give her any clue as to how you know. Tell her you have evidence, but never tell her what it is. Just be confident and don't act like there is any doubt in your mind. Because there is NO DOUBT that she is having sex with her old high-school-chum-turned-Facebook-friend-and-lover. NO DOUBT.

Sometimes I feel like I could post the advice below all day long on this forum. A lot of guys are in your shoes.

Buy a few voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro. Put one under the seat of her car and in the house in places where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around or if she wants privacy. Keylog the computer if you can. Give it a week. I'm betting you will find out what's going on with your wife.

After the voice-activated recorders are in place, have a talk with your wife. Get your wife alone, no kids, no interruptions. Tell her that you love her and want to save the marriage. Tell her you are willing to work hard on improving yourself and improving your marriage.

Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage, she has 15 minutes to agree to meet your conditions or else you will file for divorce and she can pack up her stuff and go live with the other man. Here are the conditions:

1. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, her husband, who is the most important person in the world to her, and that if other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way shape or form, that she will file harassment charges against him. This is the content of the letter, nothing more, nothing less. It begins with other man's name, it ends, "signed" and her name. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, nothing else. She gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.

2. She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7. She does not delete any emails, messages, texts, or calls from her devices or accounts - everything gets saved. If you find out anything has been deleted, you will assume the worst. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. You have agreed to share your lives together. You can have privacy when you go to the bathroom, but there should be nothing phoned, messaged, or texted that your spouse shouldn't be able to see. Married people don't have things to hide from each other. Many if not most married people are NOT constantly checking up on each other, although they could. Would you care if your wife looked at your email or text messages? Would you care if she asked you where you were going or with whom? This is normal stuff EXCEPT for cheaters.

3. She blocks other man on facebook, deletes him from contacts, blocks his number on email, does everything possible to block him from her accounts.

4. She handwrites a letter of apology to you.

5. She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

6. If you want the details, she tells you the whole truth about the affair, when it started, how it started, and WHY it started, etc. Tell her to handwrite a timeline of the affair, starting with the first inappropriate contact, and ending with the last time she had contact with him. If the story doesn't make sense, she will take a polygraph to prove her truthfulness.

7. Your wife should destroy all of the clothing she wore when she hooked up with the other man. Shoes, dresses, lingerie, pocketbooks, jewelry, etc. It's a consequence of her cheating. When people know there will be negative consequences, they are less likely to repeat the action. It helps you to feel she truly is repentant and not just giving you lip service. It helps her to make amends to you in a material tangible way, which will make her feel better if she is truly sorry for what she did to you.

8. Any toxic friends she had that supported the affair also have to go.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her. You can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Cheaters are liars. They say anything to get what they want. Talk is cheap. Make her do these actions to show she really wants to save her marriage to you. Do not accept any verbal promises unless they are backed up by actions.

If she doesn't agree to these conditions, file for divorce. She really is not remorseful and not interested in committing to you. Divorce is a long process, if she later agrees to your conditions, you can postpone it to work on your marriage. If she is not willing to accept these conditions, which, if you really look at them, are not that much of a sacrifice on her part to save the marriage and which pale in comparison to what you will have to live with, then you are going to wind up getting divorced down the road anyway; might as well do it now and get it over with and save yourself weeks, months, or maybe even years of the pain of trying to negotiate with a lying cheater.

If she does agree, leave the voice-activated recorders and keylogger in place. This is to verify that the affair truly has ended. You should keep it up until you are comfortable in ending it, but monitor closely for at least two weeks.

Trust is important in marriage. Constantly monitoring is not healthy. However, in the initial few weeks after infidelity is discovered, it can be extremely healthy and helpful in restoring trust. You can cut down on the monitoring as you continue to discover nothing and your trust builds. Or you could catch her continuing the affair, which would save you a lot of time and trouble and heartache.

If it weren't for the kids, I would say just dump her, she is more trouble than she's worth.

If she refuses to end the affair, expose the affair to her and your families and friends. Tell them other man's name, that she is having an affair and refuses to stop, and ask for their support for you and your kids.

No matter what, expose the affair to the other man's wife/girlfriend if he has one. Also expose to his parents and close family and friends, those who can influence him, and tell them he is breaking up a previously happy family.

If she gets mad at exposure, tell her that you are fighting for her and your marriage and your family and, after all, you are only telling the truth, she is the one who is living a lie.

I think you know already she is not going to agree to any of conditions or want to work on the marriage, at least not right away. She already has told you she wants a divorce.

There are two ways to blow up an affair like your wife is having:

The first way to blow up an affair is exposure to all, far and wide. Nothing will kill the thrill of her affair more than her knowing that everyone else knows the sordid deceitful immoral lifestyle she's living, lying to you about going out with girlfriends while she really runs off to screw the other man, while you and her kids sit at home.

The second way to blow up an affair is giving her a dose of reality. Don't let her get all her ducks lined up in a row, force her hand. Tell her if she wants other man, she should go to him now, pack up her junk and get out. You call up other man and tell him you have his soulmate here, she's his problem now, you'll be coming over in a little while to drop her off along with all of her baggage.

Other man is just a fantasy. They talk dirty to each other on Facebook and tell each other they are in love, then they meet up for sex - reality never intrudes in their little world -there are no screaming kids, no chores, no cleaning the bathroom, no worries about finances - just I love yous and sex and dreams of how perfect life will be one day when they are together. There is no way you can compete with that. NO WAY.

Give her a dose of that now, let her see that other man's bathroom gets dirty, too, that other man leaves his underwear on the floor, too, that other man is not as perfect and wonderful as she thought.

Of course, maybe you don't want to save this marriage. Even if she and you agree to reconcile, it won't be easy. It may end up in divorce anyway.
 

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Thanks Shaggy,
I'm certain she will run off to the "loveshack" as often as feasibly possible(I may even offer to babysit to facillitate gathering of info, not because I want to, but because I need to turn this around and put the 'control' back on my (and my son's) side of the fence.
Some great ideas. I hadn't thought of the panties...they may 'disappear' just like the birth control pills--her reaction to that: "It's kind of important that we find those...." I bet so~! I didn't get the chance to respond with "What's the big deal? You just got them to regulate your period, right?"...I guess that'll come after the sperm clot in her vagina simmers a bit longer, and the sweat beads double in volume on her forehead...
:eek:
Hiding the birth control pills may give you some short-term satisfaction, but it will be one big headache for you if she gets pregnant with other man's baby. Better check out the laws of your state and what they say about presumed paternity of the husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I have read that post before, many times, thank you. It is definately sage advice. Ultimately, I think I'm still in a bit of a fog of denial, or something of that sort. I mean the strangest thing..when she got home, my initail reaction, as I watched her run for the bathtub, was to think about how much I wanted to have sex with her, regardless of the fact that she scre$&$ed her 'fantasy man'...:scratchhead:
Maybe not so far evolved from cavemen.
Also, good point about the paternity issue. Had not considered that--maybe subconciously, I have realized the marriage is non-salvageable, and just looking for ways to ease my pain, without thinking.
Thank you again for your support everyone..it feels amazingly different having so many people caring about me versus the horribly painful loneliness attached to this fiasco.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
A marriage terminates when one of three events occurs: divorce, the death of either spouse, or a “judicial declaration of its nullity, when the marriage is relatively null.” If a child is born during a marriage or within three hundred days of the final divorce, death or declaration of relative nullity, then the husband/former husband is presumed to be the father of the child.--Thank you for opening my eyes to that one. Good grief, does it ever get better, instead of worse? Edit: BTW, I *found* them for her after a couple hours. Tacky yrs, fun, "he## yes!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Adding insult to injury, her first 'activity' once home, with a 10 year old anxiously awaiting her return was to plop her arse into bed claiming she only got about an hour of sleep previous night...poor thing.
 

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Adding insult to injury, her first 'activity' once home, with a 10 year old anxiously awaiting her return was to plop her arse into bed claiming she only got about an hour of sleep previous night...poor thing.
Well that puts your son only slightly ahead of you in so far as her concern for others. I guess cheating is like pimping. It ain't easy.
:rolleyes:
 

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Looks like she will not be remorseful even if you show the evidence. She will put all the blame on you, and will continue it.

You already know what she is doing. Just think what you want hereafter. Either accept it, or D. But probably you won't get her (and sex) back as before.
 

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Also, please be aware if the OM is married with children, he will most likely NOT leave his wife for your wife. He is probably telling your wife that he will so he can continue having sex with her.

Once you have exposed the affair to OMW, he will probably "break-up" with your wife & she will come crawling back to you.

If I were you, I would see an attorney asap about getting full custody. You probably will not but at least make the effort.

You do not want your son influenced & living part time with a string of OMs.
 
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