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Discussion Starter · #161 ·
Why a MAN would even want to share his wife with other men is beyond me. You were the MAN for your wife in her mind until you shared your fantasy with her. By doing so, you shattered her perception of you being the MAN for her along with her perception of SECURITY that she felt in your company. This revelation might have affected her frame of mind and how she carried herself in her workplace and your subsequent accounts suggest that one of her co-workers took advantage.

1. You might want to ditch porn and WORK on your SELF-WORTH to your benefit. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

And ask yourself following questions: Do you want to keep up with the statusquo? Allow your wife to cheat on you? Her cheating will FIX your marital problems?

2. You need to DECIDE how to move forward in your situation. Being terrified solves nothing - you are NOT a pup.



Sorry to hear what your wife had been through. But I find your lack of thought and initiative perplexing to put it mildly.

1. Do you think it is HEALTHY for your wife to work with her rapist in her workplace?
2. Do you think that your wife kissing more co-workers is somehow beneficial to her reputation in her workplace and will help her find mental peace there?
3. How can you LIVE with the way things are in your case?

It would be INFINITELY better for your wife to get her rapist prosecuted and send a message to others in her workplace that this is no way to treat a woman there. To hell with what others think about your wife in her workplace at this stage. As if having sex with more of them works to her benefit there and helps your marital situation by extension.

You need to TELL your wife in a very serious tone that you CANNOT continue with the way things are in your life in the present - that she needs to make a DECISION to HELP you move forward. By delaying prosecution against her rapist and then kissing more co-workers, she is risking DAMAGING HER CASE and reputation. That she is on a destructive path and you will NOT put up this BS.

Tell your wife that you want talk to a lawyer about how to move forward in this messed-up situation. That this consultation should be about how to prosecute her rapist (or) about how to divorce you. She can choose.

Make a decision and follow through it.

If somebody had even touched my wife inappropriately in her workplace - I would have taught him a lesson. This is how a MAN thinks.
I have thought about all these things, but ultimately, I have to listen to the professionals who are trained in this area. I cannot go directly against rape counselors based on message board posts. I appreciate that you have an opinion, and I agree in my head…but I’m not trained to deal with these types of things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #165 ·
I completely understand what you are saying and the rational behind giving the victim the choice. How then do you deal with a victim that is putting her and her family into a death spiral that seems to be triggered by the assault? Do you let her just keep making bad choices until her whole world is destroyed? There are 3 kids involved here as well and mom seems to be turning into a drinking, drug using ho that doesn't want to be "caged in" and wants to do what she wants to do even though she knows it is wrong. How can a husband stand by and just watch her keep making these choices that are negatively impacting 4 other people beside the original victim. The rapist now has 5 victims in this case.
I am not just standing by. I have been talking to several therapists, family members, etc. to try to arrange help. I have hugged family members who lost someone special to them unexpectedly. I have watched my 3 kids and toted them around in order to give my wife time to work on things she enjoys, get help, etc. I have consulted hotlines and the police about the assault. I have worked hard to get us back involved with more positive peer groups. It would take relatively little time to punch the dude and/or turn him in to the police. Even if I turn him in, the onus would fall on my wife to go through the legal process and public scrutiny.
 

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I am not just standing by. I have been talking to several therapists, family members, etc. to try to arrange help. I have hugged family members who lost someone special to them unexpectedly. I have watched my 3 kids and toted them around in order to give my wife time to work on things she enjoys, get help, etc. I have consulted hotlines and the police about the assault. I have worked hard to get us back involved with more positive peer groups. It would take relatively little time to punch the dude and/or turn him in to the police. Even if I turn him in, the onus would fall on my wife to go through the legal process and public scrutiny.
You do what is right by you, your wife and your children. Thats the most important thing. Family IS everything.
 

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I can’t really disagree with anything you say here. It’s just hard to justify upsetting my wife’s work life and potentially outing her sexual assault when she and the professionals say I shouldn’t. I try to make logical, smart decisions even when I feel very emotional.
What fing professionals?

They are full of BS.

Are they really advising her to stay in close contact with her rapist and to keep destroying her life by becoming a cheap piece of ass for scum outside of her marriage?

Are they promoting that as healthy?

PM me their info. I will destroy their careers.

What the hell is wrong with them and you sir!
 

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I am not just standing by. I have been talking to several therapists, family members, etc. to try to arrange help. I have hugged family members who lost someone special to them unexpectedly. I have watched my 3 kids and toted them around in order to give my wife time to work on things she enjoys, get help, etc. I have consulted hotlines and the police about the assault. I have worked hard to get us back involved with more positive peer groups. It would take relatively little time to punch the dude and/or turn him in to the police. Even if I turn him in, the onus would fall on my wife to go through the legal process and public scrutiny.
Why don't you just put your foot down and tell her to quit spreading her ass around town like butter?

Are you so afraid of losing her that you will allow her to continue damaging herself and your family?

Real love is doing what's best for her even if it costs you.

Stop her from continuing to self destruct.
 

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I have thought about all these things, but ultimately, I have to listen to the professionals who are trained in this area. I cannot go directly against rape counselors based on message board posts. I appreciate that you have an opinion, and I agree in my head…but I’m not trained to deal with these types of things.
These so-called professionals are not personally affected by what you and your wife are going through. What is the solution to your problem in their infinite wisdom?

Your wife is EXPOSED to her rapist in her workplace, and she is warming up to other men there now. Other men in her workplace can also take advantage of her vulnerability if she continues to encourage them. This is extremely unhealthy for her.

You are naive to assume that other men in her office do not know anything about her sexual interaction with her rapist. They might not see it as rape because no charges were pressed.

Her "coping mechanism" is VERY POOR and you are NOT helping by being stuck in a limbo and watching her self-destruct and ruin her reputation along with her CASE against her rapist. He [can benefit] from this insanity if she decide to sleep with other men in her workplace. He will have an argument that your wife is loose or office s***, and he did nothing wrong.

Get it now?

I am not encouraging you to attack her rapist. I see no benefit from getting physical with him.

I am telling you to do this:

1. You need to talk to your wife. Tell her to STOP being romantic with other men in her workplace because she is risking destroying her reputation, her case against her rapist, and your family unit. And tell her that you have decided to press charges against her rapist. This ends now.

2. You need to talk to a competent lawyer to help you move forward. This is where your money is better spent.

About time you do something about your situation. You are a Husband and a Father - not some bystander or a friend to your wife.

Do something.
 

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Discussion Starter · #173 ·
These so-called professionals are not personally affected by what you and your wife are going through. What is the solution to your problem in their infinite wisdom?

Your wife is EXPOSED to her rapist in her workplace, and she is warming up to other men there now. Other men in her workplace can also take advantage of her vulnerability if she continues to encourage them. This is extremely unhealthy for her.

You are naive to assume that other men in her office do not know anything about her sexual interaction with her rapist. They might not see it as rape because no charges were pressed.

Her "coping mechanism" is VERY POOR and you are NOT helping by being stuck in a limbo and watching her self-destruct and ruin her reputation along with her CASE against her rapist. He [can benefit] from this insanity if she decide to sleep with other men in her workplace. He will have an argument that your wife is loose or office s***, and he did nothing wrong.

Get it now?

I am not encouraging you to attack her rapist. I see no benefit from getting physical with him.

I am telling you to do this:

1. You need to talk to your wife. Tell her to STOP being romantic with other men in her workplace because she is risking destroying her reputation, her case against her rapist, and your family unit. And tell her that you have decided to press charges against her rapist. This ends now.

2. You need to talk to a competent lawyer to help you move forward. This is where your money is better spent.

About time you do something about your situation. You are a Husband and a Father - not some bystander or a friend to your wife.

Do something.
I have already done #1. I can’t control her actions 24/7. She texts them or whatever when I’m not around.
 

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I have already done #1. I can’t control her actions 24/7. She texts them or whatever when I’m not around.
Fine. Take screenshots of these texts and put them in a USB drive which should be in your possession (just in case).

Then tell her that you [will divorce] her IF she continue on this path. What she is up to is NOT helpful to you and your situation in the least.

Think like this:

1. You have learned from your mistakes. You will not settle for infidelity (potentially serial) and a spouse who is in self-destruct mode and cannot make informed judgement calls, and does not care about you and your feelings. This is a dysfunctional dynamic, marriage, and home for your kids. You and your kids deserve better.

2. You need to provide a better home to your kids.

Unfortunate it is, but this is the only way forward in your case. Think about your kids and what you will be teaching them down the road.

Your wife [might] get the memo when you will do something decisive to HELP YOURSELF. If she doesn't, focus on yourself and providing a better home to your kids by all means.
 

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Fine. Take screenshots of these texts and put them in a USB drive which should be in your possession (just in case).

Then tell her that you [will divorce] her IF she continue on this path. What she is up to is NOT helpful to you and your situation in the least.

Think like this:

1. You have learned from your mistakes. You will not settle for infidelity (potentially serial) and a spouse who is in self-destruct mode and cannot make informed judgement calls, and does not care about you and your feelings. This is a dysfunctional dynamic, marriage, and home for your kids. You and your kids deserve better.

2. You need to provide a better home to your kids.

Unfortunate it is, but this is the only way forward in your case. Think about your kids and what you will be teaching them down the road.

Your wife [might] get the memo when you will do something decisive to HELP YOURSELF. If she doesn't, focus on yourself and providing a better home to your kids by all means.
I don't think threats of divorce will help. She has already said she feels "caged in" by him. She may gladly accept the offer of divorce. This woman is in total self destruct mode and I can't believe so called professionals are saying the best course is let her do her own thing and continue to work with her rapist. That seems to defy all logic to me.
 

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I completely agree with @BigDaddyNY that your WW’s “kissing “ those 2 guys is a way for her to try to regain emotional control of her body. It’s actually a miracle that she didn’t end up having affair with POS. Like I said earlier on this thread, there was a thread in SI of a WW who confessed that she had a very wanton sexual affair with the guy who sexually assaulted her and that in her head, the more wanton she became, the more she felt she was retaking her sense of control of her body.
I am not just standing by. I have been talking to several therapists, family members, etc. to try to arrange help. I have hugged family members who lost someone special to them unexpectedly. I have watched my 3 kids and toted them around in order to give my wife time to work on things she enjoys, get help, etc. I have consulted hotlines and the police about the assault. I have worked hard to get us back involved with more positive peer groups. It would take relatively little time to punch the dude and/or turn him in to the police. Even if I turn him in, the onus would fall on my wife to go through the legal process and public scrutiny.
I can feel your exasperation through your words. You really have tried in your own way to get through to your wife but I think that following these professionals advice has hurt your wife. Many times sexual assault victims become very promiscuous as a way to regain control of the body. Many times there is also a bit of self punishment involved too. Kind of I deserved what happened to me and I like more of it mentality. That is why your wife needs some intense counseling.

I and many on this thread have said the same thing on you needing to insist that she leave that job. You have to make her understand that it’s not about POS “winning”, it is about the saving your marriage and family. Like I said earlier, we men sometimes have to be the @sshole to save our love ones from themselves.

As a side note, why did you choose to have asking your wife about threesome and hot wife situation the title and the start of this thread when that is not the main issue you’re facing? It is an important piece of the story but not the main thing. While I think it probably added to her feeling that you didn’t love or treasure her; it is the sexual assault that caused her to go unhinged. The only way your fantasy had a direct connection is if the sexual assault was actually her trying to fulfill some hot wife fantasy and it went awry.
 
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