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Must admit if a guy I was married to suggested a threesome I would be out of that marriage. However in this case it seems to have opened the door for her to act on in it so she is just as bad.
 

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Then why report it?
I can tell you exactly why.

When a person is raped, filing a police report creates a record of the event.

Should the perpetrator be charged with sexual assault in the future, there is now a record of a prior.

Rape victims are interviewed by a detective/police officer for hours. They gather details like “Do you remember things he said to you? Can you describe his body? Tattoos?” Etc.

All of that evidence gathering (a victim’s testimony is evidence) is useful in potential future investigations.

The OP is doing a great job of navigating this whole mess — including ignoring the people who are accusing his wife of lying about being assaulted.

The way some of you are reacting to the situation where she was assaulted is EXACTLY why women are afraid to report rape, let alone press charges. You don’t believe her. She already feels disgusting, humiliated, powerless and violated. She is clearly acting out in new ways.

Honestly, the hotwife fantasy probably isn’t helping in this particular situation, but it is not the cause of her actions. She is suffering from PTSD. There is absolutely no question in my mind. I have seen this type of scenario play out over and over again. If you can find a therapist who works specifically with trauma, that is your best bet. Hopefully, she can try some different techniques with a therapist, such as EMDR.

There is cheating, and then there is reactionary acting out. I would argue that in this particular case, she is unraveling. She is putting herself in high-risk situations to re-create what happened that night, but with a different outcome. It’s pretty textbook, honestly. And it breaks my heart for her and for you. Rape is devastating to victims and devastating to a marriage.

One more thing. All rape is forcible. By virtue of the fact that no consent was given, rape is forcible. Some of y’all are trying to suggest that there is a nice version of rape. There isn’t. If she went so far as to tell her husband what happened, seek treatment and file a police report (and is now acting EXACTLY like someone who was raped), how dare you suggest that she simply had regrettable sex with her coworker.
 

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There’s really only one scenario that I can come up with regarding the original question.

I would ask your wife a very difficult question, and prepare yourself for a very painful answer. If, for whatever reason, she ever felt overly pressured by you to act on your sexual fantasies, she may be lumping you in with the perpetrator. Quite frankly, she may not even be doing this consciously. Rape creates confusion….PTSD takes care of the rest.

In other words, trauma hijacks the nervous system so quickly and so insidiously as to make it very difficult for the person suffering from it to distinguish between a sabertooth tiger and a kitty cat. You are the kitty cat. But right now, all kitty cats are sabertooth tigers.

I recommend the book, “the body keeps the score.” if she won’t read it, you should. It will help you understand what is going on with her in ways that a therapist and a hotline will not.
 

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I can tell you exactly why.

When a person is raped, filing a police report creates a record of the event.

Should the perpetrator be charged with sexual assault in the future, there is now a record of a prior.

Rape victims are interviewed by a detective/police officer for hours. They gather details like “Do you remember things he said to you? Can you describe his body? Tattoos?” Etc.

All of that evidence gathering (a victim’s testimony is evidence) is useful in potential future investigations.

The OP is doing a great job of navigating this whole mess — including ignoring the people who are accusing his wife of lying about being assaulted.

The way some of you are reacting to the situation where she was assaulted is EXACTLY why women are afraid to report rape, let alone press charges. You don’t believe her. She already feels disgusting, humiliated, powerless and violated. She is clearly acting out in new ways.

Honestly, the hotwife fantasy probably isn’t helping in this particular situation, but it is not the cause of her actions. She is suffering from PTSD. There is absolutely no question in my mind. I have seen this type of scenario play out over and over again. If you can find a therapist who works specifically with trauma, that is your best bet. Hopefully, she can try some different techniques with a therapist, such as EMDR.

There is cheating, and then there is reactionary acting out. I would argue that in this particular case, she is unraveling. She is putting herself in high-risk situations to re-create what happened that night, but with a different outcome. It’s pretty textbook, honestly. And it breaks my heart for her and for you. Rape is devastating to victims and devastating to a marriage.

One more thing. All rape is forcible. By virtue of the fact that no consent was given, rape is forcible. Some of y’all are trying to suggest that there is a nice version of rape. There isn’t. If she went so far as to tell her husband what happened, seek treatment and file a police report (and is now acting EXACTLY like someone who was raped), how dare you suggest that she simply had regrettable sex with her coworker.

Thank you....
 

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I’m not sure that’s the therapist’s job.
I know you've been trying to help your wife but I can't help but feel you are too passive about the whole thing. Maybe that is just the way it comes across here. Your wife is making a huge mistake IMO by torturing herself pretty much daily by seeing this guy. And it is obvious that she is in an unhinged mental state. It doesn't sound like she is making good decisions and could end up destroying her family. To me this is all on her rapist. He is the catalyst for all this, yet he gets to walk around like nothing happened and even gets to see her every day at work. He has come out the big winner and your wife and family the extreme loser. Your kids are on the verge of being in a broken home because of his actions and you seem to be just throwing your hands up and saying oh well, nothing I can do. Again, that is the perception I get in your typed words.
 

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Yes. And if her coworker gets fired or if there’s a trial, her whole workplace would know that she was physically violated by him. That’s very personal.
You can bet, that in cases like this if all true, that multiple people in the office KNOW about the incident and the guy and it's happened before.

Sad that it will likely happen to another woman there.
 

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You can bet, that in cases like this if all true, that multiple people in the office KNOW about the incident and the guy and it's happened before.

Sad that it will likely happen to another woman there.
He probably has and most likely will again. Regardless, that is in no way the fault of the victim. She is not responsible for his crime.

For one thing, pressing charges does not automatically result in a trial, let alone a conviction. It certainly does not automatically result in prison time. And even if he went to prison, there’s no guarantee he would get the maximum sentencing and/or wouldn’t rape again upon release.

Not saying that you were implying that she is at fault for HIS criminal behavior, but I just want to make it clear. She has committed no crime. The only crime committed was rape. How a person chooses to respond to assault is not up for moral debate.

I think people need to remember what “happened” to the Stanford swimmer when he raped an unconscious girl behind a dumpster and had to be physically pulled off of her by two male cyclists. The judge described the conviction as having an impact on the perpetrator’s life…and gave him three months in jail. There was no discussion of how being raped would affect the victim for the rest of HER life.

Can’t imagine why women don’t want to go through all of that, feeling like they are on trial, reliving the trauma, being painted as a liar or at fault in some way, etc — only to see the rapist get a slap on the wrist, at best.
 

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He probably has and most likely will again. Regardless, that is in no way the fault of the victim. She is not responsible for his crime.

For one thing, pressing charges does not automatically result in a trial, let alone a conviction. It certainly does not automatically result in prison time. And even if he went to prison, there’s no guarantee he would get the maximum sentencing and/or wouldn’t rape again upon release.

Not saying that you were implying that she is at fault for HIS criminal behavior, but I just want to make it clear. She has committed no crime. The only crime committed was rape. How a person chooses to respond to assault is not up for moral debate.

I think people need to remember what “happened” to the Stanford swimmer when he raped an unconscious girl behind a dumpster and had to be physically pulled off of her by two male cyclists. The judge described the conviction as having an impact on the perpetrator’s life…and gave him three months in jail. There was no discussion of how being raped would affect the victim for the rest of HER life.

Can’t imagine why women don’t want to go through all of that, feeling like they are on trial, reliving the trauma, being painted as a liar or at fault in some way, etc — only to see the rapist get a slap on the wrist, at best.
All obvious stuff.
 

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I'm not a therapist, but I see several reasons why your wife should not work with her rapist, even if a therapist says it should be her choice.

The first and most important consideration is safety. Being in close proximity to the person who raped her can trigger traumatic memories and feelings of fear, anxiety, and vulnerability. This can have a negative impact on her mental and physical well-being. As we seem to be witnessing.

Seeing the rapist on a regular basis can cause your wife to relive the trauma of the rape, which can lead to re-traumatization. This can have a detrimental effect on her mental health and recovery. Again, we seem to be seeing this play out in the form of never before seen promiscuity, drinking and drug use.

Being forced to work with the rapist may prevent your wife from achieving closure and moving on from the trauma. It can also make it difficult for her to find closure if the rapist is not held accountable for their actions. Accountability is key in my mind. I've never been violated in this way, but I can't imagine not having a burning desire to see the attacker held accountable.

The rapist holds a position of power over your wife, and being in a professional setting with them may make it difficult for your wife to assert herself and speak up if she feels uncomfortable or unsafe. I don't know what her interactions are at work with him, but how could she have a healthy work environment where she can excel when she has to look him in the eye on a regular basis.

It seems to me your wife is looking at sleeping around as a way to regain control over her own body. Regain what the rapist took from her. It can also be a way of numbing the pain. Understandable, but also destructive when the victim is a married mother of 3. If you can make it happen I think she needs serious individual counseling and marriage counseling for you both. Your wife's rapist is destroying your family. Please don't stand by and let that happen.
 

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Not everyone wants to publicize the fact that they got raped. I have talked to two other rape victims who also did not press charges/report their attacker for that reason.
Hey. I just want to chime in. Most of this push to go around your wife and try to force the issue is all men who frankly have no clue about the social/emotional trauma involved with sexual assault. There is a reason the hotlines and therapists tell you not to... Because it's a bad idea. An assault victim has her agency, her ability to decide taken away from her. To feel you don't have the basic human right to decide things for yourself....Is taken by a man.

And you don't want to be the next man who decides that she doesn't get to decide if her life is going to be further blown apart. Please resist that urge.
 

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Hey. I just want to chime in. Most of this push to go around your wife and try to force the issue is all men who frankly have no clue about the social/emotional trauma involved with sexual assault. There is a reason the hotlines and therapists tell you not to... Because it's a bad idea. An assault victim has her agency, her ability to decide taken away from her. To feel you don't have the basic human right to decide things for yourself....Is taken by a man.

And you don't want to be the next man who decides that she doesn't get to decide if her life is going to be further blown apart. Please resist that urge.
Thank you
 

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Hey. I just want to chime in. Most of this push to go around your wife and try to force the issue is all men who frankly have no clue about the social/emotional trauma involved with sexual assault. There is a reason the hotlines and therapists tell you not to... Because it's a bad idea. An assault victim has her agency, her ability to decide taken away from her. To feel you don't have the basic human right to decide things for yourself....Is taken by a man.

And you don't want to be the next man who decides that she doesn't get to decide if her life is going to be further blown apart. Please resist that urge.
I completely understand what you are saying and the rational behind giving the victim the choice. How then do you deal with a victim that is putting her and her family into a death spiral that seems to be triggered by the assault? Do you let her just keep making bad choices until her whole world is destroyed? There are 3 kids involved here as well and mom seems to be turning into a drinking, drug using ho that doesn't want to be "caged in" and wants to do what she wants to do even though she knows it is wrong. How can a husband stand by and just watch her keep making these choices that are negatively impacting 4 other people beside the original victim. The rapist now has 5 victims in this case.
 

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I messed up. My wife and I have 3 kids and have been married over a decade. I expressed a fantasy to my wife of seeing her with another man (aka having a threesome or a hotwife event). She said no way.

Then a couple traumatic things happened in the span of a few months. I lost the desire to have a threesome or whatever, and she gained it. And now she has sneaked off with two separate guys, sexts them, etc. I have caught her both times and she has lied about it, so it’s really just cheating. It’s not sexy to me at all because I’m not involved.

Now she says she wants me to leave her because she feels “caged in” since I caught her. She says “I want to do what I want to do.” She admits she’s in the wrong but won’t commit to fixing it.

I never should have expressed my fantasy in the first place. We were in a good place before all this happened. I just don’t know what to do. I’m terrified of losing her and losing my kids. I have worked myself up to the point where I can’t sleep and I’m literally working my stomach into knots and vomiting. I need help.
Why a MAN would even want to share his wife with other men is beyond me. You were the MAN for your wife in her mind until you shared your fantasy with her. By doing so, you shattered her perception of you being the MAN for her along with her perception of SECURITY that she felt in your company. This revelation might have affected her frame of mind and how she carried herself in her workplace and your subsequent accounts suggest that one of her co-workers took advantage.

1. You might want to ditch porn and WORK on your SELF-WORTH to your benefit. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

And ask yourself following questions: Do you want to keep up with the statusquo? Allow your wife to cheat on you? Her cheating will FIX your marital problems?

2. You need to DECIDE how to move forward in your situation. Being terrified solves nothing - you are NOT a pup.

Yes. And if her coworker gets fired or if there’s a trial, her whole workplace would know that she was physically violated by him. That’s very personal.
Sorry to hear what your wife had been through. But I find your lack of thought and initiative perplexing to put it mildly.

1. Do you think it is HEALTHY for your wife to work with her rapist in her workplace?
2. Do you think that your wife kissing more co-workers is somehow beneficial to her reputation in her workplace and will help her find mental peace there?
3. How can you LIVE with the way things are in your case?

It would be INFINITELY better for your wife to get her rapist prosecuted and send a message to others in her workplace that this is no way to treat a woman there. To hell with what others think about your wife in her workplace at this stage. As if having sex with more of them works to her benefit there and helps your marital situation by extension.

You need to TELL your wife in a very serious tone that you CANNOT continue with the way things are in your life in the present - that she needs to make a DECISION to HELP you move forward. By delaying prosecution against her rapist and then kissing more co-workers, she is risking DAMAGING HER CASE and reputation. That she is on a destructive path and you will NOT put up this BS.

Tell your wife that you want talk to a lawyer about how to move forward in this messed-up situation. That this consultation should be about how to prosecute her rapist (or) about how to divorce you. She can choose.

Make a decision and follow through it.

If somebody had even touched my wife inappropriately in her workplace - I would have taught him a lesson. This is how a MAN thinks.
 
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