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I messed up. My wife and I have 3 kids and have been married over a decade. I expressed a fantasy to my wife of seeing her with another man (aka having a threesome or a hotwife event). She said no way.

Then a couple traumatic things happened in the span of a few months. I lost the desire to have a threesome or whatever, and she gained it. And now she has sneaked off with two separate guys, sexts them, etc. I have caught her both times and she has lied about it, so it’s really just cheating. It’s not sexy to me at all because I’m not involved.

Now she says she wants me to leave her because she feels “caged in” since I caught her. She says “I want to do what I want to do.” She admits she’s in the wrong but won’t commit to fixing it.

I never should have expressed my fantasy in the first place. We were in a good place before all this happened. I just don’t know what to do. I’m terrified of losing her and losing my kids. I have worked myself up to the point where I can’t sleep and I’m literally working my stomach into knots and vomiting. I need help.
 

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Looks like you have opened Pandora's box.

If she's making out with them , she will or has slept with them .

I'm not sure how you close the box now that it's opened. She's already taken the 1st step , without you. This is not good.

She thinks you gave her permission..The fantasy...

I would have that conversation with her. Lay it on the line. Either stop or it's divorce.

She's tasted the forbidden fruit. My guess is when it's a tie at the railroad tracks...You lose.

She probably won't stop ....I would say unless you can reel her in , your marriage is over.
 

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I messed up. My wife and I have 3 kids and have been married over a decade. I expressed a fantasy to my wife of seeing her with another man (aka having a threesome or a hotwife event). She said no way.

Then a couple traumatic things happened in the span of a few months. I lost the desire to have a threesome or whatever, and she gained it. And now she has sneaked off with two separate guys, sexts them, etc. I have caught her both times and she has lied about it, so it’s really just cheating. It’s not sexy to me at all because I’m not involved.

Now she says she wants me to leave her because she feels “caged in” since I caught her. She says “I want to do what I want to do.” She admits she’s in the wrong but won’t commit to fixing it.

I never should have expressed my fantasy in the first place. We were in a good place before all this happened. I just don’t know what to do. I’m terrified of losing her and losing my kids. I have worked myself up to the point where I can’t sleep and I’m literally working my stomach into knots and vomiting. I need help.
I’m not so sure you caused anything. Cheaters gonna cheat.

But either way she told you she’s going to do it and wants you to leave her.

So accommodate her and let her go.

What you’re doing now is called the “pick me” dance, and it won’t win her back. It’s pathetic and weak.

Find your strength, get angry, and go see a lawyer.
 

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She saw an opening form you expressing your desire for a threesome.......,throughout most likely if she got a little side action you would not care. Let her go. Walk away and use this a a learning experience.
 

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I don’t think she has slept with either one, but she has kissed them both.
Oh boy! Take the blinders off. Cheaterspeak “we only kissed”. Translation....we had sex.
 

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She’s had sex with both, and probably others.

Because you gave her permission.
You either gave her tacit approval or she was ready to try it trying already herself.

But you pushed it and got what you got.
 

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I’m terrified of losing her and losing my kids. I have worked myself up to the point where I can’t sleep and I’m literally working my stomach into knots and vomiting. I need help.
Very sorry, but you have already lost her. She has said as much to you, that she wants to be "free". TBH, this was maybe just something that was going to happen sooner or later anyway. Your mentioning adding another man to your "marriage" was just a catalyst and once put in her head just mushroomed into what now is.

So get yourself some therapy from a professional for the sleeplessness and vomiting. You need professional help, nothing a bunch of internet strangers can help you with. Divorce is the only option, your "wife" has already set herself free from the marriage.

BTW, there is no way you will lose your kids. Divorce doesn't end your relationship with them.
 

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Come on now peeps.

I’m not allowed to talk to my wife about my fantasies without her running off and trying them? I’m not on board with the “you caused this” crowd.

If he had set it up and encouraged her then that would be different. But he just talked about it and she said “no”. Case closed. Until she decided otherwise despite his objections.

The wife here is a run of the mill cheater.


EDIT: More facts have come out in this thread. This is not so ordinary, not so 'run of the mill'.
The main point stands, talking about a fantasy does not justify cheating.

But there is more to this story.
Read on.
 

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You asking for a 3some is no excuse on her part. I think that if my husband were to ask me for a 3some - I would get mad. Maybe sleep in a separate room because to me - he shouldn't want to share me or see me with another person and this is basically just a blind excuse to be with another person without calling it cheating. I think I, as the wife, would tell my husband to go sew his oats instead and then we will discuss us after he is finished.
 

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I messed up. My wife and I have 3 kids and have been married over a decade. I expressed a fantasy to my wife of seeing her with another man (aka having a threesome or a hotwife event). She said no way.

Then a couple traumatic things happened in the span of a few months. I lost the desire to have a threesome or whatever, and she gained it. And now she has sneaked off with two separate guys, sexts them, etc. I have caught her both times and she has lied about it, so it’s really just cheating. It’s not sexy to me at all because I’m not involved.

Now she says she wants me to leave her because she feels “caged in” since I caught her. She says “I want to do what I want to do.” She admits she’s in the wrong but won’t commit to fixing it.

I never should have expressed my fantasy in the first place. We were in a good place before all this happened. I just don’t know what to do. I’m terrified of losing her and losing my kids. I have worked myself up to the point where I can’t sleep and I’m literally working my stomach into knots and vomiting. I need help.
You were foolish to ask for a threesome, but the cheating isn't your fault. Your wife choose to cheat with not just 1 but 2 men. She is not a monogamous person, period. If she "sneaked off" with them I can 100% guarantee they had their threesome. You've lost your wife, go see a lawyer.
 

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Expressing a fantasy is in no way consent to cheat, EVER! It's just a fantasy, and nothing more. The blame for stepping outside of the marriage lays solely on the person who did it.

People have fantasies, it's normal. Sexting and kissing people outside of a marriage is not. Most consider it cheating. If she wants her freedom you can either give it to her, or she will take it. You may not want a divorce, but would you rather share your wife, or let her sneak around doing whatever she wants? Personally, I'd get a divorce.
 

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There's too much fluff in this whole topic.
I like to keep things simple.

Touch my W and you swiftly and violently will regret it.

There. Much easier to understand.
I agree with you. The moment that my husband decides that its ok to share me - I'm out. He shouldn't expect me to want to share him either.
 

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My man, this sucks...it really does. Food for thought and I realize you may not want to hear this.
Your marriage was already over in her mind when you brought up this fantasy. Whether you knew or not, there were existing problems in paradise. She just decided to freaking end it with this self made excuse you gave her of a "hot wife fantasy" !
This has become a very prevalent issue in today's society. Men or women talking and bragging at work about how hot their mates are, talking bs by the cooler about how they are into doing these things and may or may not. Most just looking for attention. The fake porn industry has fueled this fallacy upon upon new generations of men and women of how hot and amazing this is. Its niche porn and the industry doent give a rats arse about the stupidity of people believing these things...they just keep getting paid at others expense.
Well like alot over the past several years, you bought into it hook, line and sinker. She took the bait and fed! What the hell did you think was gonna happen?
This does show there were and are deeper issues in your marriage. No coming back to OH HAPPY DAYS from this. No one can definitively give you answers here or anywhere else. Only what is and possibilities. Seek therapy for your self and possibly together. Wish you the best in this game of pain.
 

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@helicopterjump

1- you haven't caused anything - every couple talks about their fantasies, some go through it and some don't.

2- yes, your wife slept with both guys. there is nothing as just kissed - she is making up stories as you go. she had cheated before you talked to her about your fantasies but acted as you pushed on her.

3- you can't fix it. how are you going to live knowing your wife cheated on you with more than 2 guys?

4- do not sleep with your wife - move forward - she might carry STD

5- find a lawyer and move forward with divorce - stop talking to her and do 180. DO NOT MOVE out from the HOUSE. separate your finances
 
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