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Hey everyone - i'd like to hear from people in solid, healthy relationships on a problem i am experiencing.

i am currently living a dream. i met this girl a few years ago and after losing touch a for a couple years, we are finally together in what could be the healthiest relationship i've ever experienced. we have fun, go out often, and play a lot. we are constantly discussing theoreticals and always trying to learn and grow together. we go ballroom dancing (which i enjoy) and have good relationships with both her parents and mine. serving her, following her around and doing anything she wants is a joy for me because my heart just melts whenever i look at her.

here's my problem:

my sex drive is apparently much higher than hers. actually, i don't even think it's a drive thing so much as a comfort thing. i'm not sure. on the most basic level: i want her constantly. would gladly make love to her all day every day until our bodies gave out. maybe more. i am very attentive- and she agrees- and my main focus is almost exclusively her pleasure. i am very good at satisfying her physically and that makes me very happy.

she, on the other hand, is a little more sporadic. sometimes she wants it- sometimes she doesn't. days will go by where i am consistently late to work because she wont let me go but then she just shuts off and says she doesn't want to or isn't comfortable or unhappy with herself. this morning- full disclosure, i apologize, we were in bed and i was playing with her breasts. she was grinding on me and generally making me crazy. we were both very happy at this moment. but when i asked if we could have sex she flatly refused. this happens pretty regularly and i just don't get it. i give her so much sexually and she rarely reciprocates. i am usually ok with this but when she just says "no" for no apparent reason and doesn't offer an alternative or try in any way to give me any sort of release i feel like i just want to throw a tantrum. i am a pretty harsh person to deal with- probably from living and working in pretty harsh environments. being rejected at the peak of arousal will almost definitely make me grumpy. this in turn makes her all kinds of not OK and she almost always starts crying and we end up on the verge of giving up the relationship. i do not want to lose her because of sex. but i do not want to be in a relationship where my desires are ignored or denied or are somehow repugnant to her. i know this is all a little fuzzy, i apologize for being disorganized but i need some help here. i always feel like the bad guy. sometimes i feel like a total creep just for wanting her. where is the healthy middle ground? why is she so wishy-washy? i do everything i can to make her happy, comfortable and feel loved. am i expecting too much in return? help!
 

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Have you asked her why she lets everything get to a boil before she shoots you down? There's an expression for girls like that, and it rhymes with "rock tease". It's usually younger women who are playing with their sexual power over men, though.

What happens if you don't "ask" to have sex? If you were to just keep on working her up, then just slide into home (so to speak). In a committed relationship, I wouldn't expect to ask for permission before entering every time.

How long have you been dating seriously? How old are the two of you?

C
 

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i'm pretty sure you just hit several nails on their respective heads. i usually do not ask, it's often pretty obvious when all is well but if i do ask- she almost always says "no". i only actually ask for permission to do anything when we're not moving in a direction- you see- i enjoy getting her going but i don't feel like i should have to dance around, rub the magic lamp, do jumping jacks and bow toward mecca every single time i want to have sex. sometimes i just want to have sex, you know? she does like to play power games and has admitted to getting pleasure from denying me. 99% of the time this is all good because i enjoy being teased/tortured like that but i don't think she always knows when to stop teasing. and as for age, i am 30 and she is 20 (i can hear you groaning). we haven't been dating very long (you're still groaning). we spent years together as friends before losing touch and then reconnected as friends again for several months before finally getting together. i am afraid of this becoming a pattern and i want to get to the root of the issue now so that we might have a better chance at a good, long-term (i intend on marrying this girl) relationship.
 

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i'm pretty sure you just hit several nails on their respective heads. i usually do not ask, it's often pretty obvious when all is well but if i do ask- she almost always says "no". i only actually ask for permission to do anything when we're not moving in a direction- you see- i enjoy getting her going but i don't feel like i should have to dance around, rub the magic lamp, do jumping jacks and bow toward mecca every single time i want to have sex. sometimes i just want to have sex, you know? she does like to play power games and has admitted to getting pleasure from denying me. 99% of the time this is all good because i enjoy being teased/tortured like that but i don't think she always knows when to stop teasing. and as for age, i am 30 and she is 20 (i can hear you groaning). we haven't been dating very long (you're still groaning). we spent years together as friends before losing touch and then reconnected as friends again for several months before finally getting together. i am afraid of this becoming a pattern and i want to get to the root of the issue now so that we might have a better chance at a good, long-term (i intend on marrying this girl) relationship.
She's much younger than you. While some people are mature at that age, she apparently is still enjoying playing games. And you need to teach her that you're not going to play that game. I'd start by reading up on the Married Man's Sex Life and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to figure out what to do next. Actually, first of all I'd find a girl my age, and start from there... But that's apparently not an option.

BTW, if you've spent years as friends and you're ten years older than her, how does all that math work... It's sounding pretty greasy to me...

C
 

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i understand how at first glance it may seem a bit greasy- but it is (at least i think) all on the up and up. i've been a friend of the family for a while and knew her when she was in high school- it never went beyond friends back then for obvious reasons. when we reconnected, she was older- and more mature- and we just clicked. i've been in several relationships over the years- most were older than me, a few were younger and age never seemed to be a deciding factor when it came to relative maturity. otherwise i really appreciate your advice. in fact her parents have told me the same thing- just take charge and don't give her any slack. i have been trying to squash the game playing and we've even been working through "men are from mars, women are from venus" and talking about everything that's been going on- and everything is great- except for this one thing. i've never experienced it before like this and i feel totally lost. i don't know how far to go or how stern to be or what to say to her or if i should just let her do whatever the hell she wants and deal with it. should i just find a bit of rope to clench my teeth on or what? thanks!
 

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You always hear about women saying they want men to be more aggressive in some aspect of a relationship and this is one of those aspects. It's like they want you to be forceful but not overbearing to the point of it could be considered rape? Its a very thin line that they want us to tip toe around to make the relationship interesting. I'll never understand. First thing you have to stop doing is asking. You're already giving her options. Not saying if you take away the element of choice that you will always get what you want but If she's letting you do all that to work you up for nothing then why even let you get that far in the first place? Like someone posted earlier, have you just kept going....? Im one of those guys I will just continue either until I am physically pushed away or its no followed by a reason and Im not asking the reason. Just go all in. Like I heard a long time ago. Whats they worst she can do, say no? Whatever you do next time or from here on out, do not ask for sex. If you continue the same you have then Id start just peeling her clothes off. Have to show her you know what you want or just say.

There was a woman that posted a few days ago complaining about her H's approach. She said she didnt want to feel like a sexual object or she wanted to feel like she was just another nut for her H. From that you have say what you feel. If you feel the need to ask then turn it into a suggestion or a demand like "take your clothes off and let me have you all to myself". "Stop teasing me because I want the real deal from you". I wish I could find that other thread so you would have a better perspective from a woman.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
i am all about the taking charge in the bedroom most of the time. it really is fairly rare that i ask for permission- again- usually only if we're not already headed in that direction. although sometimes it is so good just to hear her say "yes" rather than her just allowing me to take her. probably an insecurity on my part- i want to know that she consciously wants me, you know? not just all steamed up cause i'm so damn fine :)

update- relevant or no- we got into a huge argument last night- still not sure what it was about. i know it started with the whole sex thing- specifically the incident described in my original post up top- but then it morphed into an argument about our methods of arguing..? i really am unclear on the subject- she wants me to talk more and i want her to talk less :) so it was a great spiral of death that lasted until about 3 this morning, at which point we had sex- which was good, but WTF? oh and the whole thing repeated this morning. right now she is happy and humming and planning a dinner date for tonight- but i know the ice is thin... sorry- i suppose i'm just ranting now. thanks for listening anyway. i don't get to talk about this sort of stuff in detail very often (ever) so this is a great resource and i really appreciate your input.
 

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I was very young when I first met my husband. At first it was just sex. We got very much pleasure from each other. He did worship the ground I walked on. I was 17 years old and is 6 years older than me. I was a mature 17 but we faught like crazy over stupid things. I never played immature games but the fighting was immature and led to more passionate sex. She's fooling with your emotions and well, penis. You don't deserve that. If you just want lust and you can deal with the torture then deal with the abuse. It is quite possible never going to turn into love making with this girl. True sexaul women don't act this way. There is pleasure in witholding and then giving in as a love game but not in letting the other person walk away unsatisfied.
 

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She's much younger than you. While some people are mature at that age, she apparently is still enjoying playing games. And you need to teach her that you're not going to play that game. I'd start by reading up on the Married Man's Sex Life and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to figure out what to do next. Actually, first of all I'd find a girl my age, and start from there... But that's apparently not an option.

BTW, if you've spent years as friends and you're ten years older than her, how does all that math work... It's sounding pretty greasy to me...

C
Love that. I haven't even read it thoroughly but that girl is playing some games on you. I regret to admit that I had alot of that. My wife is fantastic and I can't imagine having a relationship like that today. The sex aint worth that kind of pain. Good luck to you
 
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