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I was talking to a buddy over the weekend who is suffering from cancer. His wife is having an affair because she thinks he can't give her what she wants anymore. The dude was always faithful, made good money, and they have five kids. Doesn't matter: she feels entitled to another guy, a fantasy romance, and happiness at his expense. My buddy tried explaining to me that they had an "agreement" and that he loved her and wanted her to be happy.
What an absolute pos wife. Omg.

OP, mate. You're a soldier. Stand up straight, chest out and walk the hell out of her life. She's gross, you deserve so much better than this, it's just not right.

You WILL get through this, please be sure to heal completely before you embark on another relationship, your future wife shouldn't have to pay for the sins of the one who came before her.
 

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I was talking to a buddy over the weekend who is suffering from cancer. His wife is having an affair because she thinks he can't give her what she wants anymore. The dude was always faithful, made good money, and they have five kids. Doesn't matter: she feels entitled to another guy, a fantasy romance, and happiness at his expense. My buddy tried explaining to me that they had an "agreement" and that he loved her and wanted her to be happy.
Don't feel bad for your buddy, a guy whose wife cheats on him like that is in that situation precisely because he is the kind of a guy who makes and "agreement" for her to be loved. Dude is right where he wants to be.
 

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1. blame me for not bringing up how I was feeling
and
2. cry and say how it was such a mistake and she wishes she could take it back and that she's such a crappy person blah blah blah (shes done this before) and then I feel guilty for even bringing it up.
1) Did she bring up how she was feeling before she had an affair, got a disease, and moved the guy into your new marital home? No? Then why the actual F do you have any obligation to talk to her about your feelings? You tried to reconcile for 4 years. It was a good try, an honest try, but it just didn't work. End of.

2) She cries to make you feel guilty. It's a manipulation. She didn't make a mistake. She made a series of choices over a period of weeks and months. She wanted those choices to be consequence free. They aren't. A natural and normal consequence for adultery is divorce.

Leaving a sham marriage because you cannot tolerate adultery isn't quitting nor it it a failure. You had a successful military career. You made it through boot, advanced training, and all the way through service to honorable discharge. You are clearly not a failure or the kind of man who gives up. She broke the vows. You're no longer obligated to her.
 

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I hope you see from the post of regular women that you’re not doing anything wrong for leaving such a woman. Also take note how a man like you is valued.

You’re out there making sure we are free and she’s bringing another man into your brand new house before you even had a chance to step into it? And she had that POS around your baby? When you’re nice guy starts to come out, just think about those 2 things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #45 ·
I want to again thank everyone for their continued input and support, it truly is helpful.
@emptyandoverit, the truth is as long as she draws breath there is the possiblity she could/might change, but the best indicator of whether she will do it or not is the past 4 years. She had every opportunity to demonstrate with her actions that she knew she could not "stay the same" without damaging you, and instead of making any kind of effort, she made the deliberate choice to do nothing. That's because she doesn't really WANT to do anything. When a person really wants it, they find a way!

If she blames you for not bringing up how you were feeling, just agree with her. Yep, you waited 4 years. Yep, you didn't complain the whole time. Yep, you didn't bring up how you were feeling. But you being quiet for a certain number of years WAS NOT what destroyed the marriage: adultery is what destroyed the marriage. The end.

If she cries and says it was such a mistake and she wishes she could take it back and she's such a crappy person, just agree with her. Yep, it's sad that she chose to cheat on a soldier. Yep, it was a GIGANTIC, life-altering "mistake." Yep she wishes she didn't have to experience the consequences of her decision to cheat. And yep, people of quality who have morals and self-esteem do not commit adultery--she might wanna work on that. The end.

WHEN you feel guilty (and you will) just remind yourself that you are no angel. I'm sure that when you came home, it was a tough adjustment from the expectations of military life to the unaccountability of civilian life. BUT that in no way, shape, or form is a justification for adultery. You are just speaking the truth: you're done. It is sad, but there it is.

Yeah, stick birth certificates, passports, discharge papers, awards, bank statements...any of that stuff that you think of as your "important papers" in a deposit box in the bank. Then even if she does accidentally notice, you can honestly say they are there for safe keeping.



1. The fact that you still can't get the truth about this is an indicator of the reason this marriage is ending. Two people can not be intimate when one is hiding and lying. The whole point of marriage is for two people to be who they truly are and have a safe place to grow and mature with the support and acceptance of a loving life partner. So there just is no room for secrecy and hiding and lying in a marriage. None.

2. The fact she didn't offer to confess and go to people on her own accord and let them know is another indicator of why this marriage is ending. When someone truly repents, they will admit, to themselves and out loud to others, that THEY are responsible! Honestly? They take personal responsibility! The fact her mom "had a hunch" that specific means that it was obvious to others, and a person who wants to recover after infidelity will a) end all contact with everyone who isn't a friend of the marriage (i.e., those who know the two cheaters as a couple) and b) go to parents, siblings, and children and tell them "The reason BS has been acting so odd lately is because I was unfaithful that they were so hurt, they acted out from my behavior. They need your understanding and support, because it was ME that was being awful, not them. Please don't blame them for how I behaved." She not only didn't do that, she won't even tell you the truth about who kept her infidelity a secret and helped her cheat!

UGH! I better take some more deep breaths. LOL :p
Thank you again for your response and help. I am going to be reading a lot of these replies a few times over before I go start the conversation with her about divorce, this will absolutely be one of them!
 

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Discussion Starter · #47 ·
What an absolute pos wife. Omg.

OP, mate. You're a soldier. Stand up straight, chest out and walk the hell out of her life. She's gross, you deserve so much better than this, it's just not right.

You WILL get through this, please be sure to heal completely before you embark on another relationship, your future wife shouldn't have to pay for the sins of the one who came before her.
I do not plan to rush into another relationship, I know that I need to spend a lot of time figuring out who I am as an individual and to heal from this. Great advice and thank you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #48 ·
I want to thank each and every person who has taken the time to give me their input and advice on my situation, it truly is helpful and appreciated. I have written down quiet a few things that have been said that I will either use to keep reminding myself that I am making the right choice, or use it directly in my approach to her when I ask for the divorce.

This is my first time on a forum so I don't know if I should continue to update the thread but I can. Yesterday I called and made an appointment to speak with an attorney which will be next Tuesday.

If I may, I'd like to continue asking for help in this situation. I am struggling, and have been even before coming to this forum, with feeling like I am taking the wrong approach. I change emotions throughout the entire day going back and forth between feeling like the only thing I want to do is pack up and leave and then all the way to the other extreme where I convince myself that this isn't as bad as it seems and that their is something more I can do. I keep telling myself that maybe I should try to bring up the situation directly and let her know how I am feeling and have been feeling about this situation to see if it can be fixed. I also convince myself that maybe I'm not as miserable as I tell myself and that maybe the cheating has nothing to do with it although it clearly does. I'm my own worst enemy.

I will say that the positive thoughts and thoughts that I can keep this thing afloat come most often when its just me and her and when things are fine. It's like I said, we do get along for the most part. Stuff just hits the fan when a small problem arises and we communicate like two dead phones. Then I talk to my family or come on here or even think about my life with her and I want nothing more than to divorce her. I don't want to seem like an idiot here, I am just wanting to see if anyone can speak to this rollercoaster of emotions?
 

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Please continue to. If people post on your thread it means they have some interest in the outcome, but also who knows who is reading your situation and the help here may help them too. Some of us will often post past threads to help give people instruction, or just some faith that a good outcome is possible.

Finally many people here are people who came here looking for help, improved their situation and are now trying to pay it forward by sharing what they learned and their experience.
 

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I want to thank each and every person who has taken the time to give me their input and advice on my situation, it truly is helpful and appreciated. I have written down quiet a few things that have been said that I will either use to keep reminding myself that I am making the right choice, or use it directly in my approach to her when I ask for the divorce.

This is my first time on a forum so I don't know if I should continue to update the thread but I can. Yesterday I called and made an appointment to speak with an attorney which will be next Tuesday.

If I may, I'd like to continue asking for help in this situation. I am struggling, and have been even before coming to this forum, with feeling like I am taking the wrong approach. I change emotions throughout the entire day going back and forth between feeling like the only thing I want to do is pack up and leave and then all the way to the other extreme where I convince myself that this isn't as bad as it seems and that their is something more I can do. I keep telling myself that maybe I should try to bring up the situation directly and let her know how I am feeling and have been feeling about this situation to see if it can be fixed. I also convince myself that maybe I'm not as miserable as I tell myself and that maybe the cheating has nothing to do with it although it clearly does. I'm my own worst enemy.

I will say that the positive thoughts and thoughts that I can keep this thing afloat come most often when its just me and her and when things are fine. It's like I said, we do get along for the most part. Stuff just hits the fan when a small problem arises and we communicate like two dead phones. Then I talk to my family or come on here or even think about my life with her and I want nothing more than to divorce her. I don't want to seem like an idiot here, I am just wanting to see if anyone can speak to this rollercoaster of emotions?
So you don't have to be married to have some sort of friendship with this person. Marriage is a different commitment and beast all together though right? And one she has failed you at for the most part.

Thing is only you get to decide what your love is worth, you set the price.
 

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Discussion Starter · #51 ·
Please continue to. If people post on your thread it means they have some interest in the outcome, but also who knows who is reading your situation and the help here may help them too. Some of us will often post past threads to help give people instruction, or just some faith that a good outcome is possible.

Finally many people here are people who came here looking for help, improved their situation and are now trying to pay it forward by sharing what they learned and their experience.
Alright that makes sense to me and I will continue to update as it comes. I hope that one day I can be posting about how much happier I am and be the one paying it forward to others. Thanks!
 

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Discussion Starter · #52 ·
So you don't have to be married to have some sort of friendship with this person. Marriage is a different commitment and beast all together though right? And one she has failed you at for the most part.

Thing is only you get to decide what your love is worth, you set the price.
For the most part when I picture the "perfect" situation, we can divorce civilly and remain friends in the sense where we can communicate about my child's life and be around each other at her school and sporting events. I don't want to text her and go do things that friends typically do, but I would like to stay friends in some capacity or another. I do set the price on what my love is worth, I'm really glad you said that!
 

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For the most part when I picture the "perfect" situation, we can divorce civilly and remain friends in the sense where we can communicate about my child's life and be around each other at her school and sporting events. I don't want to text her and go do things that friends typically do, but I would like to stay friends in some capacity or another. I do set the price on what my love is worth, I'm really glad you said that!
In other words, you want to remain civil. That is all the law requires of divorced parents. Remaining civil for the sake of the beautiful human being you both procreated. She is not your friend. She never had your best interest at heart. You share the responsibility of a beautiful child together and she even screwed that up by bringing in her side piece to you precious child's home and allowed that man to even change her diapers. Be civil and vigilant because she is not a responsible parent. She falls way short.
 

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For the most part when I picture the "perfect" situation, we can divorce civilly and remain friends in the sense where we can communicate about my child's life and be around each other at her school and sporting events. I don't want to text her and go do things that friends typically do, but I would like to stay friends in some capacity or another. I do set the price on what my love is worth, I'm really glad you said that!
This seems a reasonable outcome and a more healthy one, but then I have to ask why do you write things like -

"I will say that the positive thoughts and thoughts that I can keep this thing afloat come most often when its just me and her and when things are fine. It's like I said, we do get along for the most part."
Does this and more importantly should this have any real weight on the quality of your life and if your marriage should continue?

This is kind of my point, the ability to NOT kill each other when you are in the same room, interacting a very shallow and superficial moment doesn't make it a good or even adequate marriage. That just means you can tolerate each others presence. It's a very low bar. In that sense you could be married to almost the entire world.

But we are talking about - give your whole life to someone - marriage here.
 
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Self esteem. Critical to your mission to a better you. I am sending you to Sgt. NLLH Betrayed Husband Bootcamp. Picture R Lee Ermy when you read my orders. Only I am much better looking that he. You are now on the “yellow footprints” of NLLH Betrayed Husband Bootcamp. You will respond “YES SGT NLLH”!!

  • You have taken a hit. You are wounded. You will get up. You will heal! Understand Recruit?
  • She is not worthy of a man like yourself. Nor will you continue to sulk and pine for her. Understand?
  • You are stronger than you realize. Understand.
  • You are in a temporary place. Not permanent. Understand!
  • You will make your child your number one priority.
  • You will get up, dust off, and move forward. Understand!?
  • You will hit the gym. Get yourself lean and mean. Understand!
  • You will get you a new hair style, new threads, and look sharp!
  • Left foot, right foot, breathe repeat. Understand?
  • You will transform into a lean mean dating machine.

DISMISSED!
 

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You found out the hard way to never put a woman on a pedestal. A perfect example of if you treat her like a star, she'll treat you like a fan.

I wish you all the best as you move on. My only suggestion is to grab a couple books that probably already been mentioned, No More Mr Nice Guy and The Rational Male.
 

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Any chance she has bipolar or borderline personality disorder??

I'm not shrink or anything, but she sounds like more than just a crappy wife, she sounds disordered and not all that functional as an adult person.

BPD'rs have two great fears that govern their thoughts and behaviors, the first is being engulfed and controlled and the other is abandonment. So either way they can not be content and functional in a relationship. When they are with someone they are often rebellious and resistant to everything that is normal functioning in a relationship (such as teamwork and division of responsibilities and establishment of roles within the relationship and observing basic boundaries and relationship conduct such as not screwing other people etc.

And their fear of abandonment will often have them lining up several layers of "replacements" and being ready, willing and able to monkey branch to the next relationship at a moment's notice. Be warned they can also become very destructive and intentionally hurtful when they find out you are thinking of or trying to leave them. These are the people that will make false domestic abuse and even child abuse and molestation charges. They will make up false allegations of marital rape and tax fraud and hiding money and take baseball bats to your car etc. Be careful. Don't tip your hand and have as much of your plan in place and things worked out with your lawyer before you light the fuse because there will be no turning back and it will get rough and be a bumpy road.

But one of the biggest signs of being with a BPD'r is that they can make the sane person feel like they are the crazy one. Any of the Cluster B's will always play the perfect victim and will make everyone else out to be the bad guy and will make everyone else feel crazy and like they are somehow to blame.

The only real fix is to insulate from them and protect yourself from them as much as possible so as to minimize the damage they can do to you.
 

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You found out the hard way to never put a woman on a pedestal. A perfect example of if you treat her like a star, she'll treat you like a fan.

I wish you all the best as you move on. My only suggestion is to grab a couple books that probably already been mentioned, No More Mr Nice Guy and The Rational Male.
One book I will add is Larry Winget’s “Grow A Pair”. I say this not in jest but in all seriousness. I read that book myself.
Easy read with great info to move out of this **** show.
 

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She was not to my knowledge, puppy love faze we were young and life hadn’t really hit us yet as far as adult responsibilities so it was all love and fun. She was a Christian, straight edge virgin when we met but that was probably a lie to be honest. I’m concerned about what she wants I think because I love her, or had love for her. And I think I grab for what we once had wanting it back but she has changed and the damage is heavy.
Tell her virginity was special to you and she has **** all over that and you can only see her as soiled now after what she has done. Tell her she destroyed that specialness you held for her. She killed your love. Then leave. This is on her.
 
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