[Todd]

I've been married over 12 years. We have a loving and intimate relationship and our sex life is good. One thing, though, is that I like to give her orally but she's not comfortable with it. She's comfortable with giving me oral, and she says she likes it and she likes it when I come. But she doesn't like me going down on her. I try saying, It's only fair because I let you go down on me, but that logic doesn't work for her.

I won't say never, but it's been almost never. Say, maybe once every other year I've gone down on her. She relents and has let me do it but, yeah, she relents and she doesn't want me to do it.

I want to give her head, and I also want her to want it. This may sound unreasonable, I realize, but that is truly how I feel and it's important to me. Now, our sex life otherwise is good, so sometimes I wonder if I should just let it go and let good enough be good enough, and be thankful for that. But it's a desire that I have!

A month or so ago I told her my birthday is coming up and I'd like to go down on her for my birthday. Interesting concept, but I floated the idea. She knows I enjoy it. She figured, once a year what the heck, so she said okay. She didn't say those things, they are my guess from how the talk went.

After doing some reading and lurking here I brushed up on my technique, and on my birthday we did it. She came, and while it was going on I was thinking she was liking it. Afterwards I thanked her and told her that I enjoyed it. And surprise, she said that she enjoyed it too! She said that she was finally able to relax enough to enjoy it, and she also said she wants me to do it again.

So there is hope. We haven't done it again, I don't want to be pushy, but I will try again soon. I think I'll let her know beforehand, so she can be ready.

It is my fantasy for her to say, Eat Me Please and then I do. I want to please her and I truly believe this would be a great way to please her.

I've read some other related threads here on similar situations. I am trying to find out why she might be this way, and also what can I do to improve? I do realize I might be being selfish in wanting this. I say it's to please her but in all honesty there is also that element that I really want to do this for me too.

Thoughts and help, please? Thanks in advance,

Todd

 

[LonelyinLove]

First, I have never heard of "giving head" applied to a female.

Second, I like it, I love it, I want some more of it, but if I don't feel fresh and clean, my head will not get into it. Maybe plan a nice bubble bath prior to "getting busy"....

Also, maybe start with softly touching her with your fingers...some women don't like a man going right at it right away.

 

[Todd]

First, I have never heard of "giving head" applied to a female.

Second, I like it, I love it, I want some more of it, but if I don't feel fresh and clean, my head will not get into it. Maybe plan a nice bubble bath prior to "getting busy"....

Also, maybe start with softly touching her with your fingers...some women don't like a man going right at it right away.

We do a lot of foreplay - I love the touch of her skin, we hold and hug each other, and she caresses me too. We communicate alot with our hands. It's not like I dive right in.

Maybe it is the fresh and clean thing, that's why I plan to ask her or talk about it ahead of time, next time. Maybe she won't yet articulate that.

 

[Todd]

Why would you want to do something she said she doesn't want...just drop it!!!

Well but she did enjoy it the last time and she did say we could do it again, that she'd want me to. I think if we take it slow, we may head in the right direction ('right' for me, but hopefully eventually it'll be right for hoth of us). I think there is hope.

But I agree that if in the end she absolutely does not want it, I'd be grateful that she tried and I won't force the issue.

 

[Todd]

Another factor that has been coming into play here is that recently while we've been making love, sometimes I'm not in the moment and I'm thinking of a past girlfriend of long ago, that I'm giving her head.

I know that is not healthy and not helping our situation.

 

[always_alone]

I've always loved oral too, but for a long time held back for fear of hurting him. From my own experience, I know I need my man to exercise some control -if he is too forceful or moves around too much, it can lead to injury --to me, or by accident to him. So I figured the same was true for him, and that I had to keep it in check.

Which didn't exactly ruin the experience, but made it much more likely I would want to move on to something else, where I didn"t feel like I had to hold back.

Turns out, I needed him to tell me he could handle it no matter how, umm, explosive I got. With that in my head, I just let go and let him look after himself.

 

[alexm]

This isn't the first time I've heard of this (woman not wanting oral sex, or having an aversion to it), and I've always thought it to be very strange. But to each their own.

That said, my ex wife did not enjoy it at all, as she had an extremely sensitive clitoris. Even when properly warmed up, it made no difference. The only way she could ever enjoy clitoral stimulation was through non-direct contact (ie. vibrator used on the labia, or manual stimulation with a blanket covering her or through clothing).

Having somebody else (ie. me) do this would cause her anxiety, because if my tongue, or hand, or whatever, slipped and made direct contact with her clit, it would all be over. So clitoral stimulation was 100% her. Any oral sex would be for lubrication and relegated to only her vagina/labia, and she would put her hand over the clitoral area to ensure I didn't accidentally make contact.

As far as not feeling fresh, my wife will tell me this occasionally, and I will reply that I don't care (and I don't). I'm not entirely sure why this is much of an issue to any woman, especially those that have been with their partner for a long time.

What's funny is that you'll hear things like "No, I need to shower first, I'm gross". Then the next time you'll hear "No, I just showered and I don't want to get dirty", lol! So apparently there's a sweet-spot where they're not dirty enough to feel self-conscious and they're not clean enough to worry about getting dirty...

 

[always_alone]

Another thought: women are often conditioned to please, to think that their role is to make others happy, and it's selfish for them to take. This often makes them very uncomfortable in situations where someone is going out of their way to please them, while they just lie back and enjoy.

 

[badsanta]

I also want her to want it.

Keep in mind when approaching the topic that this is something YOU WANT. Odds are you wife has fantasies too about her wanting for you to want to help keep up with the laundry. Perhaps you may oblige her with something of this nature every once and a while.

My advice is that for some reason she is uncomfortable with receiving oral. You could use this to your advantage as under the correct conditions of her being extremely aroused, it could give her a very big kick of adrenaline and make her orgasm exponentially better. OR it could completely ruin the moment. Think of it like being at a sexual casino when you get ready to place your bet as to if you managed to pick the correct timing or not.

Cheers,
Badsanta

 

[Fozzy]

Why would you want to do something she said she doesn't want...just drop it!!!

My mom used to put onions in everything she cooked when i was a kid, despite me telling her repeatedly that i hated onions.

Now I love onions. But if I never came back to give onions a try at some point, I'd never have known.

 

[Hicks]

You are not wrong or selfish for wanting this. It's not a small issue it's a big issue. Get in the right mind set. You are not selfish for wanting it. She is selfish for denying it. Building confidence that what you want is normal, is important, is natural act between a husband and a wife is your best bet. Let that confidence that you are "normal" guide your way of dealing with your wife.

Your wife has a hang up, and this is not to be ignored. And you have to respect her wishes with respect to her body. But don't "buy in" to this not being important. Don't buy into you being wrong for expecting it. Let her make choices without pressure, but make it clear that you are not happy and fulfilled as her husband without this.

 

[Fozzy]

@Fozzy I see your point but looks like a lot of people have an oral sex fixation...and they nag and nag until they get what they want..not good IMO. Kids change taste all the time...adults usually don 't..

I think it really depends on the why of it. If you don't like something because it physically doesn't feel good--sure.

But if it's something your body enjoys but you're just not ready for--I don't think there's harm in revisiting it from time to time. Sounds to me like OP's wife is starting to either get more comfortable in her own skin, or starting to trust him more. Either way is a win.

 

[flyer]

My wife likes me going down on her, she O's really nicely, squirts a pretty good stream and it tastes very good. She likes the taste of her own juices while we're kissing afterwards. We had been married probably 25 years before she finally let me go down on her. After that first time, she realized how much she enjoyed it.

Now on the other hand, she doesn't like giving a bj. I'm fine with that. She said she doesn't like the taste of it, I'm ok with that too.
I may ask her if she'd like to try again sometime, it's been 20 years since she said she didn't like it.

My youngest daughter got married this past Saturday evening. So we're celebrating their honeymoon at home while they're on theirs.:grin2: We're doing things we've never done. AND SHE'S ENJOYING IT!!!!:grin2:

 

[Todd]

You are not wrong or selfish for wanting this. It's not a small issue it's a big issue. Get in the right mind set. You are not selfish for wanting it. She is selfish for denying it.

Well... That is one way to look at it. I actually think it is a shared selfishness, me for wanting this, and her for not having wanted this for many years. But again there appears to be hope. What will the end game be? If she ends up liking it, then it's a win-win and we are both happy. If she tries it and decides in the end that she really does not like it, then I have to decide if that is a deal breaker for me. And I already know that it is not. To me marriage is partly about give-and-take, about compromise. We don't always get everything we want. And I can live with that. I'll be a little less happy, but I'll be okay, and overall I have a loving wife who loves me, is my best friend, and who I love back.

Your wife has a hang up, and this is not to be ignored. And you have to respect her wishes with respect to her body. But don't "buy in" to this not being important. Don't buy into you being wrong for expecting it. Let her make choices without pressure, but make it clear that you are not happy and fulfilled as her husband without this.

Thanks, and I have made that clear. She is willing to give it a try, we'll likely try again this weekend, and I'm grateful for that attempt. I'll study up some more so that hopefully we have another successful experience.

 

[Todd]

I've always loved oral too, but for a long time held back for fear of hurting him. From my own experience, I know I need my man to exercise some control -if he is too forceful or moves around too much, it can lead to injury --to me, or by accident to him. So I figured the same was true for him, and that I had to keep it in check.

Which didn't exactly ruin the experience, but made it much more likely I would want to move on to something else, where I didn"t feel like I had to hold back.

Turns out, I needed him to tell me he could handle it no matter how, umm, explosive I got. With that in my head, I just let go and let him look after himself.

That is great but at this point I don't think this applies to our case. I can only hope she gets explosive, and I will work (play!) towards that happening. If we get there, that'll be a good problem to have and I can handle myself.

I want to rock her world. I'm able to orgasm her in other ways, and yet I also want to add to our repertoire.

 

[Todd]

Another thought: women are often conditioned to please, to think that their role is to make others happy, and it's selfish for them to take. This often makes them very uncomfortable in situations where someone is going out of their way to please them, while they just lie back and enjoy.

Bingo! I think this is part of what's happening here. I will take this into account the next time we try this.

There's some really good advice and opinions here. I am glad to have found this board. Thank you.

 

[Todd]

Keep in mind when approaching the topic that this is something YOU WANT.

I am fully well aware this is something that _I_ want. But it can also be mutually beneficial, if she gets into it.

Odds are you wife has fantasies too about her wanting for you to want to help keep up with the laundry. Perhaps you may oblige her with something of this nature every once and a while.

We share the chores. We both pitch in.

My advice is that for some reason she is uncomfortable with receiving oral. You could use this to your advantage as under the correct conditions of her being extremely aroused, it could give her a very big kick of adrenaline and make her orgasm exponentially better.

Most definitely. I want to achieve that. I want to drive her wild, I want her legs to be so weak afterwards that she has trouble walking.

 

[Todd]

Todd, maybe the thoughts of the old gf. and going down on her, go through your mind because you'd really like to do that with your wife on a regular basis and she hasn't wanted to?

If it happens every once in a while, it's not a big deal. If it happens most of the time you have sex with your wife, that's not good - you don't feel connected with her.

It is starting to happen more often. That's what concerns me. Lately I think of going down on my old GF as a way to have pleasant thoughts to fall asleep to. No masturbation, just the nice thoughts of it. And in those fantasies she's begging me to eat her out. 0

I hope you guys get to do this more often, now that she says that she likes it.

I hope you are right, Number One. We're off to a good start, finally after all these years. My job is to nurture that in the hopes that it grows and grows.

Maybe another factor here is that she had no other boyfriends before me. No prior lovers. She was a virgin when we first met, and so we both learned to progress together. This marriage is my second. First marriage lasted 12 years. Anyway with my wife, we waited until our wedding night to make love. And I am glad we waited, although back then I wasn't all that glad.

Anyway maybe that factors in here in some way.

 

[chillymorn]

maybe your technique was poor before and now that you bushed up.....I mean brushed up he enjoys it more. maybe she has matured and now is comfortable with it.

I say keep going for it next time don't ask after plenty of kissing and telling her sweet nothings just start kissing your way down and if she tries to stop you just keep going in a playful manner and don't stop until she begs you to stop or squirts all over your face. then tell her how yummy she is! then say my turn with a wicked grin!

 

[badsanta]

Lately I think of going down on my old GF as a way to have pleasant thoughts to fall asleep to.

Dude, shut the f*** up! You are going to get us ALL in trouble. If our wives find out that us guys meditate erotically on our past GFs as a way to calm ourselves down...

Enter the male consciousness going to sleep:
Uggg I have to get the tires changed, and it seems like that cat needs to go to the vet again because of that problem with his eye has come back... oh yeah baby, I did not understand back then why you wanted to tease me that way but now I get it! Oh YEAH... of yeah... um hmmm.... ummm.... zzzzzzzzz​

Seriously, women will get pissed at us if they find out about that sh**! So don't ever mention it again OK!!!!

Seriously,
Badsanta