[peptobismol]

Married for 12 years. We have NO kids. I want out of this marriage. Wife says she still loves me, but I dont love her anymore. We have been faithful to each other all these years. Been emotionally draining for the last 2 years. She has been sick for the last 8 years with with several things and under lots of medication. Which is a non issue for me, but she is a child in a grown women's body and has a short fuse and gets angry real quick. i have my own faults. we have nothing in common. we dont watch same tv shows, nor sleep in same room. i have nothing invested in this anymore. I am staying in this marriage out of loyalty and feel certain obligation to take care of a sick person. i have tried for the last 6 months several ways to get out of this marriage but everytime she cries, i feel helpless and reels me back in.

how can i get out

 

[LiamN]

Examine the reasons why you are staying. What does "loyalty and obligation" mean to you and why do you feel this?
Of course your wife is going to keep you and do everything she can to make you feel guilty. The real question is: will you allow her to control your happiness?
Make a plan of what you want your life to look for. Take the first steps - and don't look back.

 

[pandorabox]

It is difficult. I'm quietly preparing all the paperwork for divorce but honestly don't imagine the moment when I will have to inform my partner. Even thinking about it gives me almost anxiety attack

 

[peptobismol]

It is difficult. I'm quietly preparing all the paperwork for divorce but honestly don't imagine the moment when I will have to inform my partner. Even thinking about it gives me almost anxiety attack

how ever difficult it is, you must talk before issuing paperwork. you need to grow a pair and deal with it. the other person deserves the same chance as you have (getting prepared mentally towards divorce) how ever bad it might be to know the earliest possible. The shock of getting served with divorce papers without ever knowing the chance of what, when and how it all went wrong is going be really bad.

anyhow, i had a 2 hour conversation with wife today morning, telling her how much i want to move on with my life and she refuses adamantly to give up on this marriage. she is a good person, but we just dont work together. if things keep going this way, i will have to file for a divorce on my own as a last resort.

 

[doureallycare2]

One of the reasons I tried so hard to make my marriage work over the years is failure, not the failure of my marriage but the real lack of trying and commitment by friends and family and seeing the failure in so marriages around me that did not lead to them having a better life. Everything always sounds better on the other side of the fence, their reasons of "we dont click, she doesnt get me, he doesnt listen to me" might seem overwheming but what is their focus and why? Does it mean that everyone always has to stay together, no I dont beleive that. But the divorce rate for 2nd and 3 marriages are much higher then your first marriage. Its great to say you have to perseu what will make you happy but alot of my friends have said after that persuit "if only I worked at it harder, if only I did this, if only I did that. I really think it depends on the reasons for leaving a marriage. abuse, adultry ect. otherwise becareful the grass is not always greener.

 

[devotion]

If it's the first time she heard, the initial response will definitely be NO. That was mine too initially when my wife sprung it on me back in August. And she backed down and I 'thought' was working on it along with me for the next few months, when reality was she had already given up and started cheating .. when I found out about how far she was gone then I gave up too and now we've both moved on.

Hopefully your scenario wont include the cheating, but it will include the wife processing her emotions and the first will be denial and trying to maintain the status quo. It is further complicated by her sickness, so there will be a lot of guilting next. It may in the end have to be one-sided, but I feel if you have been married 12 years and aren't particularly looking for another woman, then you can give your current woman a few months to sort out her feelings now that you are clear on yours.

Just my two cents, being on the other side of a similar discussion. Good luck.

 

[peptobismol]

If it's the first time she heard, the initial response will definitely be NO. That was mine too initially when my wife sprung it on me back in August. And she backed down and I 'thought' was working on it along with me for the next few months, when reality was she had already given up and started cheating .. when I found out about how far she was gone then I gave up too and now we've both moved on.

Hopefully your scenario wont include the cheating, but it will include the wife processing her emotions and the first will be denial and trying to maintain the status quo. It is further complicated by her sickness, so there will be a lot of guilting next. It may in the end have to be one-sided, but I feel if you have been married 12 years and aren't particularly looking for another woman, then you can give your current woman a few months to sort out her feelings now that you are clear on yours.

Just my two cents, being on the other side of a similar discussion. Good luck.

thanks for the reply. i have strict morals on engaging in affairs while being still married, not an option. i will give her all the time she needs. i just want to move on. still want to be friends with her and help her out in the future if she needs any help.

 

[pandorabox]

how ever difficult it is, you must talk before issuing paperwork. you need to grow a pair and deal with it. the other person deserves the same chance as you have (getting prepared mentally towards divorce) how ever bad it might be to know the earliest possible. The shock of getting served with divorce papers without ever knowing the chance of what, when and how it all went wrong is going be really bad.

anyhow, i had a 2 hour conversation with wife today morning, telling her how much i want to move on with my life and she refuses adamantly to give up on this marriage. she is a good person, but we just dont work together. if things keep going this way, i will have to file for a divorce on my own as a last resort.

I need to get a lot of papers organized like copies of birth certificate from overseas and marriage certificate - that's going to take weeks or more. Hopefully I will "grow a pair" in the meantime. At the moment it's only a week from Christmas so I do not want to bring it on as my husband loves drama and may mess up the Christmas for kids. I don't want them to associate the Christmas with something bad

 

[pandorabox]

One of the reasons I tried so hard to make my marriage work over the years is failure, not the failure of my marriage but the real lack of trying and commitment by friends and family and seeing the failure in so marriages around me that did not lead to them having a better life. Everything always sounds better on the other side of the fence, their reasons of "we dont click, she doesnt get me, he doesnt listen to me" might seem overwheming but what is their focus and why? Does it mean that everyone always has to stay together, no I dont beleive that. But the divorce rate for 2nd and 3 marriages are much higher then your first marriage. Its great to say you have to perseu what will make you happy but alot of my friends have said after that persuit "if only I worked at it harder, if only I did this, if only I did that. I really think it depends on the reasons for leaving a marriage. abuse, adultry ect. otherwise becareful the grass is not always greener.

That's why I decided after the divorce I will not marry again. I will have a relationships but without all this hassle - it's so much easier to say good bye