What are the issues between you and your h. Why don't you love him?

 

Why did you marry him? And I agree with Feelingalone....what has cause you to "not love" him?

 

There really are no issues between us. He's a great guy but I just don't feel anything for him. Maybe I was never really in love in the first place. I met him when I was 21. I shouldn't have married him but I went through with it out of fear of being alone I guess.

 

Also.. I had an affair and we sold our house and now he's living with me in my parents house in the downstairs appartment. I can't afford to pay the rent here without him. Should I just accept my financial situation and stay with him because I have to? Or should I get a job and struggle on my own and burden my parents? I'm so confused. I'm in a major depression and have chronic anxiety. I'm going to see a psychiatrist in a couple days for medication.

 

Veryunhappy,
I am in a very similar situation as you.

Though I have only been married for five years. After about a year he totally changed in about every way. Wont go into all the details but it was so disappointing for both me and my now 17 year old.

I started getting VERY depressed. Went on medication and lost most of my friends due to being so depressed, isolated, withdrawn. This has been the worst time of my life. I lost my job(due to a car accident)and have been looking for a job for three years now if you can believe that. I have a masters degree, (in social work, so it's almost useless). Because of the severity of the depression I went on disability so I make a very little bit of money but not enough to rent an apartment for me and my kid. Not to mention the bills, food,ect I am stuck and see no way out. I do not have any family to go to.
There are good things about my husband. He is not abusive or anything, though he is constantly berating me about the medication, so I warn you, maybe you shouldn't tell him about what meds you are going on or the details about that area of your life-it may be used against you. Anyway it was for me.

I think about the future and it seems so bleak. So sad to think about living with someone who doesn't really care about or know me or listen to me, or remember anything that I say or care about. How can I look forward to this kind of future?

I see no way out, and like you, even if I get a job, here where I live in my profession, it pays so little it would be hard to make ends meet. I know people do it. Before I met him I had help from my family but that is all gone with no possibility of returning.

Not sure what to say as far as advise but I know how you feel. Please feel free to email me. I could use a friend.
-D

 

I would suggest getting the help that you need (medication and counseling). It sounds like you are on your way.

When you are depressed it is difficult to feel anything. Try to work on yourself as much as possible. Read some self-help books or attend support groups or learn relaxation techniques (breathing/meditation/yoga).

That way, once this process of helping yourself is underway, you will be able to evaluate if you are unhappy with yourself or the marriage.....

 

VeryUnhappy, if you don't love him then don't use him because of your fear of being alone or not able to make it on your own. He does not deserve that....you can make it on your own. You mention you have family that can help you. They will always be your family. Give your husband a chance to find someone who really loves him. Remember there is always somewhere to go. You are not cornered, it will take sacrifice and determination but you can do it. Maybe you just need some time to yourself to build your self esteem and then maybe you will realize what your true feelings are for your husband.

 

We had a talk again last night. I've been telling him over and over how I feel but he just doesn't seem to want to believe it. I told him I'm not in love with him and the only reason I would stay is because I can't take care of myself. First he says he's done with me and he's moving out, but then this morning I get a text from him saying he wants to stay with me. I just don't know what to do. I feel like a mental case that can't make up my mind. It's like I'm having trouble sorting out my feelings. I'm so unsure of everything.

 

Wow - I just need to get on the road and do this presentation nationwide. WOmen need to have their OWN before they becomone someone else's wife. Since you have no job, no college education, no money - it is virtually impossible for you unless you jump up and leave unless another make assumes responsiblity for you. So - you are stuck. But remember you will get alimony and child support so factor what you will get and go get an attorney to move forward.

 

and trust me he knows you cannot take care of yourself - so he is not going to make any moves for a divorce- if you want it you have to INITIATE and take accountability for your future. otherwise put up or shut up.

 

Wishing you good luck, been there and I know its not easy

 

Most therapists will tell you not to make any life changing decisions UNTIL you get your anxiety and depression under control. Once you do that, IF you're feelings don't change, let the man go so he can find happiness, and work on finding your own happiness within yourself.
As far as being stuck, you're only stuck if you allow yourself to be. Look for roommate opportunities; Find someone with a similar situation/lifestyle/beliefs as yours and split the expenses of a place. I did it for years before I met my H, and it worked well. I have friends (with kids, also) who do the same thing with good results.

 

Well, I'd go do something to improve my situation. With a social work degree you could at least go volunteer and that could work into a job somewhere. Try volunteering for some agencies, then if they like you you could end up with a job in less than six months. Try hospital volunteering, you meet LOTS of people with ways to find you a job.

If nothing else, take your S.W. degree and turn it into a nursing degree and then go be a psych nurse.

There is ALWAYS a way. ALWAYS.