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I love a man very much, however we have had our troubles like everyone else. He has a lil girl by another woman. I have no kids. He always seems stressed about his financial means, because he has to pay ridiculous amount of child support and works very long hours and I am just thinking about the future. My question is whenyou love someone how much do you put up with? We are engaged not married. He works a lot and I am home a lone alot. I recently lost my job and I am home all the time by myself when he does get time off we have his little girl. I love her to death but its like we never get any time to ourselves. She is only 15 mnths and demands a lot of attention. The ex girlfriend doesnt seem to do a good job discipling her and she doesnt listen well. I get really stressed out because I feel like there is nothing in the relationship for me. That may sound selfish. However I love him a lot, but wonder if I would be better off alone? He has also called me bad names when drinking and loses his temper with me often.
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I dont know what to tell you but Im in the same situation, except he has 3 kids. You dont sound super happy though. Maybe if you guys had a kid of your own you'd feel more included. I have been with him for 8 years, Im now 35 and childless. We never married becuase Im too unhappy with all our problems. Im so lost and depressed and I dont know where to turn. I feel so bad being with him and feeling this way but I have no where else to live and I cant handle the breakup but I cant handle being in this life either.
 

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Both of you need to stop treating yourselves like crap. It's like your both saying "oh you've got some crap, wipe it on me" Do not put up with men who abuse you verbally or otherwise. The drink is just an excuse. Plenty of men drink and do not abuse their partners.

OP you are a convenient babysitter for the 15 month old. Do not have kids with this man.

You can either work on your issues by discussing what they are and then a plan of action. Give yourselves a time line. If things don't improve by X then get out. Life is to short to be miserable.
 

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I dont know what to tell you but Im in the same situation, except he has 3 kids. You dont sound super happy though. Maybe if you guys had a kid of your own you'd feel more included. I have been with him for 8 years, Im now 35 and childless. We never married becuase Im too unhappy with all our problems. Im so lost and depressed and I dont know where to turn. I feel so bad being with him and feeling this way but I have no where else to live and I cant handle the breakup but I cant handle being in this life either.
Seriously Animal 2011, you've been strong enough to deal with this for 8 years. What makes you think you're not strong enough to get the hell out? It's not about how many times you get knocked down it's about how many times you get up. Got any dreams? What are they? Focus on them. Take one small step everyday toward achieving them. Do not lose sight of yourself. Don't like the problems in your marriage, change them. Commit to doing that and things will improve. If not for the relationship then for yourself. Try it you'll see. Is he an abuser? Call the police. Make a real effort. The biggest one you've ever made perhaps. Go for it. Ask yourself - What do you have to lose? Except maybe a crappy relationship. Your 35, still plenty young to meet an exceptional man and have children. Go for it.:)
 

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I love a man very much, however we have had our troubles like everyone else. He has a lil girl by another woman. I have no kids. He always seems stressed about his financial means, because he has to pay ridiculous amount of child support and works very long hours and I am just thinking about the future. My question is whenyou love someone how much do you put up with? We are engaged not married. He works a lot and I am home a lone alot. I recently lost my job and I am home all the time by myself when he does get time off we have his little girl. I love her to death but its like we never get any time to ourselves. She is only 15 mnths and demands a lot of attention. The ex girlfriend doesnt seem to do a good job discipling her and she doesnt listen well. I get really stressed out because I feel like there is nothing in the relationship for me. That may sound selfish. However I love him a lot, but wonder if I would be better off alone? He has also called me bad names when drinking and loses his temper with me often.
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So he works.

He doesn't spend time with you

He has an ex who is constantly bothering you

There is a kid who sucks up all dad's time (and actually yours because he works so long so I'm guessing the jobless girl gets to babysit a lot.)

He curses you when he drinks (how often is that again?)

It sounds like he is sleeping with the babysitter (you) because you don't seem to be being treated like a wife.

Now here is the thing. For whatever reason, you've determined you need to accept this treatment because....well, I won't delve into that. BTW, I am glossing over the fact that you probably aren't perfect either.

You are afraid of letting go because a) he's not a terrible guy and it will hurt him b) you are afraid of finding someone (anyone) else, c) you realize that pretty much anyone in your age bracket will also have baggage (not sure of the ages), d) there are SOME good times, e) you really don't want to be the bad guy, kicking him when he's 'down'.

So you are characterizing your fear as 'love'. It's not. It's fear.

Find a job. That will change the power dynamic in the family. Put the wedding on serious hold for right now. Don't accept his rational that he's just fine supporting you, because it locks you in as a babysitter. He needs to make his own changes with his daughter.

That is another thing: It is a natural thing for him to love the daughter so you may be relagated to second class status unless he makes a CONSCIOUS effort to change that dynamic. He shouldn't abandon his little girl, but he shouldn't expect his fiance' to play second fiddle all the time.
 
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A man who puts you dead last behind everything else will probably never change.Speaking from personal experience.They say they'll change when you threaten to leave...but they never do.
it's a real possibility that you'll always be a babysitter,chef,housekeeper,source of sex...but you might never be what you want to be to this man.

You can always TRY to make things different and teach him a different way of treating you but there are no guarantees it will work.You need to start planning for your future.Make your own money and make this man take care of his own child.She isn't yours and you should not be stuck with the responsibility of being her parent.

Before you do ANYTHING you need to get a job and save some money.Do NOT let the money you make get taken away for his expenses ie child/baby momma.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I never thought of my attachment to him to be based on fear but maybe you are right. Maybe thats why its a very strong attachment. I have been looking fervently for a job, but jobs in this area are hard to come by. I know I keep telling myself that once I get a job I will better understand our relationship, because its very confusing to me. He calls me names every now and then when he drinks which is not acceptable to me and I told him how I felt about the name calling. He actually proposed to me while he was drunk which really hurt my feelings. I have another guy interested in me he has no baggage, we dated briefly when the man that I am with now kicked me out for no real apparent reason. Most people say I shouldnt of gone back, but I am scared of what will happen to me if I dont find a job soon. This other guy is very sweet and kind, we maintained contact after I got back with my ex. Wrong or right we still talk I wanna make the best decisions for me, I have always put everyone else first.
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I have another guy interested in me he has no baggage, we dated briefly when the man that I am with now kicked me out for no real apparent reason. Most people say I shouldnt of gone back, but I am scared of what will happen to me if I dont find a job soon. This other guy is very sweet and kind, we maintained contact after I got back with my ex. Wrong or right we still talk I wanna make the best decisions for me, I have always put everyone else first.
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Oh boy, the story unfolds. So current b/f kicked you OUT for no reason? Yet there's another guy interested in you that has NO baggage and is NICE? :scratchhead:

At some point you need to look out for YOU. Perhaps nice guy can take you in for a while until you can find a job and get your own place....and get back on your feet.

Or, what about family? Do you have any family you can stay with? Anything would be better than where you are.
 

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If you truly feel like this, then DO NOT marry this man. Women that are jealous of a child do not make good step mothers. You knew his situation when you became engaged to him. Also you said the baby is 15 months old. That means his prior relationship (start of pregnancy) was only 2 yrs ago. How can you become engaged to a man in such short time?
 

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No, he said please leave. I tried calling him, because he texted me this. Wouldnt answer, he said he was losing it. We had a fight because he had stayed out drinking all night at a guys house and I told him I wasnt gonna put up with that. A week later or so he told me to leave but never really said why. I know I dont know why I stay. Yeah, he asked me back and then proposed didnt seem very genuine.
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He missed you as a baby sitter.

He wants you as a baby sitter.

He proposed to you so you stay around and be his baby sitter.
 

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No, he said please leave. I tried calling him, because he texted me this. Wouldnt answer, he said he was losing it. We had a fight because he had stayed out drinking all night at a guys house and I told him I wasnt gonna put up with that. A week later or so he told me to leave but never really said why. I know I dont know why I stay. Yeah, he asked me back and then proposed didnt seem very genuine.
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what are you waiting for then? You need to get out of there.That man sounds toxic.do not marry him and do not have babies with him.
Save yourself.
 

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I think that too, I have been debating back and forth this week about whether I should stay or go.
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No, he said please leave. I tried calling him, because he texted me this. Wouldnt answer, he said he was losing it. We had a fight because he had stayed out drinking all night at a guys house and I told him I wasnt gonna put up with that. A week later or so he told me to leave but never really said why. I know I dont know why I stay. Yeah, he asked me back and then proposed didnt seem very genuine.
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Maybe you keep going back because you think you can't do any better? You can, a lot better. Maybe you have no where else to stay? You do, ask around. Stop pandering to this man, he has no respect for you. Do you like being treated this way? We teach people how to treat us. If you marry him this will be the rest of your life, he is not going to change.
 

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Move on to the nice guy. Life with kids of your own is hard enough now throw in the fact that he already does not respect you, and you have a recipe for an unhappy life together. You need to think of yourself on this one.
Move on to the nice guy. But I dont think it would be a good idea to stay with the nice guy while you got or your feet. Thats not a good way to start a relationship. You will seem needy and not genuine. It will change the dynamics of your relationship from the beginning so when you do get back on your feet and start working again you will act differently and so will he. Relationships that start based on need usually dont work well. You have to want him not need him and he has to know that.
 
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