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People want to talk about entitlement in marriage... this is what it looks like people.

OP why do you think she has to be this sex bunny for you? She is not there for your entertainment do you get that? Her existence is not to put on a sexy show for you.

Trust me when I say this, there will be thousands of men who will wait in line for her, and she will be enough for them with how she is.
 

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It’s very obvious that the issue is the fact that you are super insecure. Why can’t you love your wife for who she is? You can’t because unless she looks like a 10/10 you feel bad about yourself because you think it means something about you.
 

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thanks to all those who gave empathetic replies. in my venting, i told a one-sided story that left out the good of why we've been together for 15 years. it's not a balanced picture.

the criticisms of me here are valid. i even called myself a five-star asshole. the truth is i dont feel the same way every day. sometimes life is beautiful and we're very happy. other times i'm discontent, and when i am it's almost always about the physical or sex.

i suppose my real ask here is how to navigate my feelings and get to better habits of thought.

I'm sure many vain people have felt this way about the person they love and married. if i gained a bunch of weight, i'd expect her to have conflicted feelings. perhaps it's be better to "fix" my feelings than admit them. my life would be better without these feelings. but being honest with myself is obviously important, and as some of you say perhaps i havent been honest enough.

on the other hand, i think physical attraction is affected by emotional connection (or lack thereof), so it's probably no coincidence that things are harder for us with a young child during a pandemic. maybe the ebb and flow of our relationship over 15 years shows that we married the wrong person. maybe it doesn't. i don't know.

scapegoats aside, i dont want to be or feel like an asshole. i married a great woman and am genuinely proud of her. does it make me broken to feel more physical attraction for other attractive women? pure attraction for them can't be wrong (?), but my turning that into frustration with her is wrong and unfair.
Get off tinder and all dating sites. Stop looking at other women like they are food on a menu, they aren’t. Start speaking positively about your wife and you will began to think positively.

You control your brain, so control your thoughts. If you think about eating cookies all day; your going to eat a cookie! It’s common sense.

Don’t ever touch porn.

Appreciate your wife for who she is now, not the potential of her. She doesn’t have to look perfect for you to find her sexy.
 

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thanks to all those who gave empathetic replies. in my venting, i told a one-sided story that left out the good of why we've been together for 15 years. it's not a balanced picture.

the criticisms of me here are valid. i even called myself a five-star asshole. the truth is i dont feel the same way every day. sometimes life is beautiful and we're very happy. other times i'm discontent, and when i am it's almost always about the physical or sex.

i suppose my real ask here is how to navigate my feelings and get to better habits of thought.

I'm sure many vain people have felt this way about the person they love and married. if i gained a bunch of weight, i'd expect her to have conflicted feelings. perhaps it's be better to "fix" my feelings than admit them. my life would be better without these feelings. but being honest with myself is obviously important, and as some of you say perhaps i havent been honest enough.

on the other hand, i think physical attraction is affected by emotional connection (or lack thereof), so it's probably no coincidence that things are harder for us with a young child during a pandemic. maybe the ebb and flow of our relationship over 15 years shows that we married the wrong person. maybe it doesn't. i don't know.

scapegoats aside, i dont want to be or feel like an asshole. i married a great woman and am genuinely proud of her. does it make me broken to feel more physical attraction for other attractive women? pure attraction for them can't be wrong (?), but my turning that into frustration with her is wrong and unfair.
You're frustrated, pure and simple. You want a wife who is naturally overtly sexual with you. You want her to make it obvious that sex is often on her mind. You want her to flirt and tease you so you anticipate the wild enthusiastic sex to come once the kids are put to bed. And you know none of that is ever going to happen, thats not how she is and she never will be that way. You know this and it's frustrating as hell.

You have to ask yourself if knowing you will never have that woman staying married is something you can accept and let go of? Can you find happiness in the status quo? If the answer is no then you have to think about divorce.

You also have to ask yourself, if you find a woman who checks off all the sexual boxes but is lacking in the things you love about your current wife will you still feel you're missing something? Will the grass be greener over there? Probably not.
 

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OP, I was married for 15 years to a guy I eventually came to realize felt about me like you feel about your wife. Basically, he simply felt he deserved better and had done me a huge favor by marrying me and was doing me a huge favor by staying. But I wasn't someone he actually wanted in a real way.

Me? I found it rather soul destroying to be married to someone who felt that way about me. Because I was never enough. Never sexy enough, pretty enough, hot enough, kinky enough, good enough. No matter how much I tried, or gave, or dieted, or dressed up for him, or rocked his world in bed. It was just never enough - I was never enough. Even long before I could really articulate what the problem was, some part of me always knew that while he really wanted sex, he didn't really want me.

After I left him, it took several years of healing for me to move past the constant, low-level, stress of living that way and rebuild my self-esteem. There's just something super freeing about no longer spending everyday with someone who has a vested interest in helping you to feel bad about yourself. And, quite happily, I discovered that I was good enough, more than good enough, for plenty of other quite interesting - and very interested - gentlemen. And I'm now remarried to a man for whom I'm not just good enough, but perfectly suited.

OP, you say you haven't cheated, but we both know there's a "yet" in there somewhere just beneath the surface. And, really, you're not exactly being faithful at this point anyway.

So, my advice would be to divorce your wife. Be honest in a kind way, be amicable and fair, even very generous. Do it before you blow up your marriage and family any further by cheating. Your wife deserves a chance to be with someone who loves her, just as she is. And you can look for someone who suits you better. You two are not right for each other. You never have been and never will be.
No one should ever stay in a relationship where the partner is belittling them or looking down on them.
 

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You want her to want you? 🙄

She's been wanting you to want her for 15 years. If you think she can't tell how you feel, you're wrong.

Stop objectifying women. Women aren't objects created solely to pleasure men. Lay off the porn. It isn't real. Lay off the dating sites. You're married. Besides, those women (the ones who are actually women) only put their best pictures up and only put their best foot forward.

Stop comparing her to others. Love her for who she is, or leave so she can find someone who does.

*edited to be a bit less harsh
 

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People want to talk about entitlement in marriage... this is what it looks like people.

OP why do you think she has to be this sex bunny for you? She is not there for your entertainment do you get that? Her existence is not to put on a sexy show for you.

Trust me when I say this, there will be thousands of men who will wait in line for her, and she will be enough for them with how she is.
Eh, I'll take a sex bunny. 🤣🤣🙂🙂👍👍

Btw, I'm not sure, just imho OP is not for real here, disclaimer I could be wrong, but maybe not.
 

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NO woman would want to sleep with you if that's the way you treat them.

Oh, and stop cheating. Yes, chatting on Tinder is cheating. Don't believe me, tell your wife and see how she feels.
Take gender out of this for a moment. Let a person open up— part of opening up is to expose personally ugly truths for the sake of moving past the ugly part. He admits he’s an asshole. Let it rest. As a human this person is struggling with rejection and intimacy issues and that is painful stuff.
Ever been continuously for years rejected by a spouse that refuses to put energy into intimacy in marriage? The feeling of never rectified or reciprocated shared desire for touch and physical affection is tremendous.

Remember this space regardless of gender is where people need some support.

He knows he owns some responsibility, which is why he disclosed his weaknesses and ugliness. That is brave. Perhaps this person will work himself out to be a better sexy person with some help from others.
 

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I was not all that attracted to my ex-wife. I still ponder why I stayed with her as long as I did. What impacts did this have? The sex was sparse and boring. I never found myself wondering what she was wearing or even thinking about having sex. I could not keep my eyes off the women at work. Even when it was clear that the relationship was over and we both tried to make it work, it was futile and contrived. The next woman that I was with.. my current wife. Oh my, what a different world.

The point is if you are not strongly attracted to someone, it will manifest later on. Its inevitable. Being critical of their physical appearance is one example. Few things kill the mood more than saying that you are not all that physically attracted to them.
 

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Take gender out of this for a moment. Let a person open up— part of opening up is to expose personally ugly truths for the sake of moving past the ugly part. He admits he’s an asshole. Let it rest. As a human this person is struggling with rejection and intimacy issues and that is painful stuff.
Ever been continuously for years rejected by a spouse that refuses to put energy into intimacy in marriage? The feeling of never rectified or reciprocated shared desire for touch and physical affection is tremendous.

Remember this space regardless of gender is where people need some support.

He knows he owns some responsibility, which is why he disclosed his weaknesses and ugliness. That is brave. Perhaps this person will work himself out to be a better sexy person with some help from others.
When does he ever talk about being rejected by her?

I get what your saying, but this guy really needs to understand the problem is not with his wife.
 

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Discussion Starter #35
You're frustrated, pure and simple. You want a wife who is naturally overtly sexual with you. You want her to make it obvious that sex is often on her mind. You want her to flirt and tease you so you anticipate the wild enthusiastic sex to come once the kids are put to bed. And you know none of that is ever going to happen, thats not how she is and she never will be that way. You know this and it's frustrating as hell.

You have to ask yourself if knowing you will never have that woman staying married is something you can accept and let go of? Can you find happiness in the status quo? If the answer is no then you have to think about divorce.

You also have to ask yourself, if you find a woman who checks off all the sexual boxes but is lacking in the things you love about your current wife will you still feel you're missing something? Will the grass be greener over there? Probably not.
Thanks again for all the productive replies. Happyhusband's hyperbole is the closest to how I feel. I love my wife and don't think I'll truly be happier with someone else. But SamHam is right too -- I often feel like she doesn't desire me, and I want my wife to desire me. I'm sad that my wife surely has felt the same way.

I want her to feel happy enough and relaxed enough and confident enough to think of sex, but I'm losing hope that it will ever happen. She's too busy being a great mom and a productive person. In my frustration, I look at other women and blame my wife's physique, but I know it's more than that. In an oversimplification, sexual excitement may be = hotness x attitude. I'd like to constructively raise that product, and daily compliments seem like a great start. Then I have a problem: this line of thought is me trying to change her [priorities].

I'm the prime beneficiary of all her hard work. She's raising a great kid, taking care of our lives while I work, and she's spending a small fortune to make our house beautiful. I'm grateful, but I also care less about my surroundings and more about intimacy.

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As a defensive aside, I obviously have flaws, but I don't consider myself an ugly person. I exercise 4 days/week and if you think hair transplants can't look good, take a closer look at Elon Musk or google Hollywood hair transplants. My point is that trying to look good is part of my identity. This is true for many men and women, vain we may be. I understand why it's less important for my wife than it used to be, but I wish it weren't.

Also, if my thinking sounds too strange to be real, just check out INTJ weaknesses ("romantically clueless"). Overly critical? You betcha. Of myself too btw. It's helped me in many ways, but I sometimes struggle and overthink.
 

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Thanks again for all the productive replies. Happyhusband's hyperbole is the closest to how I feel. I love my wife and don't think I'll truly be happier with someone else. But SamHam is right too -- I often feel like she doesn't desire me, and I want my wife to desire me. I'm sad that my wife surely has felt the same way.

I want her to feel happy enough and relaxed enough and confident enough to think of sex, but I'm losing hope that it will ever happen. She's too busy being a great mom and a productive person. In my frustration, I look at other women and blame my wife's physique, but I know it's more than that. In an oversimplification, sexual excitement may be = hotness x attitude. I'd like to constructively raise that product, and daily compliments seem like a great start. Then I have a problem: this line of thought is me trying to change her [priorities].

I'm the prime beneficiary of all her hard work. She's raising a great kid, taking care of our lives while I work, and she's spending a small fortune to make our house beautiful. I'm grateful, but I also care less about my surroundings and more about intimacy.

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As a defensive aside, I obviously have flaws, but I don't consider myself an ugly person. I exercise 4 days/week and if you think hair transplants can't look good, take a closer look at Elon Musk or google Hollywood hair transplants. My point is that trying to look good is part of my identity. This is true for many men and women, vain we may be. I understand why it's less important for my wife than it used to be, but I wish it weren't.

Also, if my thinking sounds too strange to be real, just check out INTJ weaknesses ("romantically clueless"). Overly critical? You betcha. Of myself too btw. It's helped me in many ways, but I sometimes struggle and overthink.
Does your wife try at all? Does she get dressed in the morning and do her hair and makeup? Did she gain a lot of weight?
 

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No, he is just insecure.
Chicken and the Egg. He's frustrated because he wants his wife to live up to a fantasy that is never going to be reality. So is the insecurity being caused by the frustration or is the or is the frustration a result of the insecurity. I'm betting the frustration is caused by an unattainable expectation and that is leading to the insecurity. He's turning her not living up to his fantasy into a statement on him when it's just the way his wife is. If he realizes and accepts his wife is never going to be this fantasy sex goddess, he can let go of the frustration and be more secure in himself. Or he will just live in partial misery forever.
 
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