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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Tldr version:

- We have been married 5 years
- We are both unhappy
- We have no common interests
- We have no physical intimacy. No sex, cuddling, hugging, kissing.
- She is incredibly controlling.
- I do all the housework, cleaning, cooking, laundry and she doesn’t do anything. We both work full time as well.
- She is incredibly dependent on me to the point that I feel like I’m raising a child and my wife.
- I attempted to divorce her last year but couldn’t bring myself to do it.
- No trust.
- My emotional needs, companionship needs, physical needs are not being met.
- I am constantly depressed, lonely, and empty and feel trapped. I can barely get through the day at this point I am so miserable.
- I am only in this marriage because I cannot fathom being away from our child for so long (and a distrust of her parenting abilities), because of the guilt of being caught going to strip clubs, and because she is pregnant now.
- I’ve started flirting with another female.



I really need help badly. I hope you take the time to read this and offer some advice because even just a little support will help me out a lot.

I guess I’ll come out and say it. I want to divorce my pregnant wife who I have been married to for 5 years, and already have a 2 year old with. I’m also heavily flirting with someone already and if it wasn’t for the marriage thing we’d be in a full-fledged relationship. So there’s the piece of **** opener.

Now the “I’m unhappy part”. It’s really simple to say that but it’s a bit deep. We are definitely growing apart. We have been since about our 2nd year of marriage. During the third I had to go to school hundreds of miles away and she had to stay due to some financial stuff. This lasted a year. If I didn’t do that then we’d have started our problems earlier. During that time I visited for Christmas, she got pregnant, and I thought everything would be okay. Having a child bonded us together more than we ever got. But now that he’s getting older it’s evident our problems still exist.

I’m really unhappy. We share nothing in common. Nothing. And we do nothing together. When we are together we usually fight over what to do.

We aren’t physical at all. We have sex about once every 3 months (the last time she got pregnant). I can’t remember the last time otherwise that we’ve kissed. This alone creates so much anxiety and depression I can barely stand it. I’m a very physically affectionate person. I can’t stand not being able to hold anyone at all. Our sex is mechanical and more out of pity for me than anything else and incredibly unsatisfying, she hates doing it. And I do get that passion fades and dies down in a marriage. But it doesn’t matter what I attempt or do. There’s just nothing. It’s killing me. I really wonder if it’s me. If she just doesn’t want me in that way anymore. I feel worthless.
She’s incredibly controlling. Whether it’s when I am behind the wheel, or just trying to relax she always has to make sure she is in control of the situation. We fought over the phone a lot when I was away for the year. We fight all the time because of how obsessed she is over where I am. In the past year I’ve gone out of the house three times. All three times ended with me on the phone fighting with her about how long I was out, where I was, and miscellaneous other factors. I don’t even try anymore because of how upset she gets at me the entire time, and the consequences I get afterwards. It’s like she’s trying to punish me for having a good time without her. She’s very manipulative about it as well. For example, recently I went to a bar to celebrate a friend who was moving away. I gave her a whole week of advance notice. For a week she tried to talk me out of it, eventually saying that she didn’t mind. The day of she complained to me about it constantly. She was upset she would be stuck with the baby. She was upset at me that there would be drinking. She said she didn’t trust me not to get drunk. She kicked and screamed the entire time before resorting to “I’m not feeling very well and now I’ll have to take care of the kid while you are out forever”. Instead of sleeping she stayed up the entire time “worrying”. We were on the phone a good portion of the time fighting about coming home, whether I was smoking or not, having too much to drink. Why would I ever want to try to have a good time out of the house again? I tell her how I wish she had friends to go out with. I really wish she did. I would be GLAD to take care of our child so that she could have a good time.

There is no trust. There never was, really. Since day one she always suspected I was cheating on her. If there was something the tiniest bit suspicious or off she would jump to that conclusion. This is heavily related to the control factor. In fact, I told myself I would never marry her unless I thought she could trust me. I broke that promise.

She’s incredibly dependent on me. I clean the house, do the dishes, cook the meals, take care of the kid, figure out our finances, work late, laundry. No matter how many times in the past five years I’ve told her or hinted that she needs to help with this stuff she never does. She is incapable of even switching the laundry over when I ask her to. If I don’t cook a meal for her she literally will not eat. I sleep four hours a night because I have to get up with our child when she goes to work and then work late. Meanwhile she sleeps in constantly while I watch our child, watches t.v., goes to bed super early just to lay down and play on her phone, and only has to watch our child a small time window between when I go to work and he falls asleep. This is killing me and she refuses to change. And if I leave her I have no idea how she will be able to both survive AND take care of our child.

In fact, that’s one of the biggest things holding me back. How can I trust her to raise our child 12/14 days at a time when I only get to see him a couple days a week? I worry about him constantly and if she’s capable of raising him herself.
I tried to divorce her last year. I really tried. I was at the bottom of everything, incredibly miserable and depressed. I couldn’t even stand being in the same room with her anymore. But I was too weak, pathetic, and afraid. I started going to strip clubs instead of working. I never cheated on her physically then but I did in other ways. I couldn’t stop going because even though for the most part it was all fake, I felt like I could have nice conversations with women something I’ve been missing for so long. My wife later found out. Of course the little trust we have is completely gone and she never will forgive me for it. She occasionally brings it up just to make me either feel bad, or remember that it happened. The guilt is overwhelming.
I’ve brought up these issues numerous times. Last year we saw a marriage counselor and it didn’t help at all. She just refuses to put effort into changing.

A few months ago I started what I read about online as a sort of “cashing out” phase. I started flirting again and that’s starting to lead somewhere. I chose a shift at my new job which would limit time I would be spending with her (because, as I’ve said before. It’s miserable and stressful). I’ve thought every day of ways to get out. I’ve told myself over and over how I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be in a loveless relationship. It’s fair to say that I care for and love her but am no longer in love with her. I know she probably never would but I wonder how I’d react if I learned she cheated on me. It’s to the point I would care.

About the other female. I know I shouldn’t but I cannot stop. I’m actually holding decent conversations with a female. I’m actually smiling when I think about seeing her. I’ve felt alone for so long and it just gives me some hope that there’s some other option out there.

But now she’s pregnant. And I feel terrible for being so horribly depressed about that. God I feel terrible about that. But instead of being happy it feels like another chain keeping me. So here I am stuck in this marriage perpetually. I’m trapped and have no idea what to do. I can’t describe in words how much I hate myself for the ways I feel and things I’m doing and have done. I am now constantly depressed, incredibly lonely, and empty.
 

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You're lying to her and to yourself. Your whole life is one big fat lie.

And on top of that you handed your balls over to your wife and you blame her for all your unhappiness yet you were a willing participant in creating this mess. You sound like the a victim and yet you did this to yourself.

Nobody can walk all over you unless you lie down first.

Time to stand up and tell the truth. :)
 

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It sounds harsh, but you need to divorce her.

I know how it is to feel trapped. I felt that way in my first marriage. But it will never get better on its own. And if you feel your wife is incapable of becoming someone you would have a happy marriage with, then you need to leave.

I know it's hard to leave little children, but I think the alternative of staying is worse. Talk to a lawyer to see if you can get at least 50% shared custody. Sadly, despite what the laws say on paper, the biased family court system reality is that it is rare for the father to get primary custody (with mother getting the traditional every other weekend) unless the mother is an addict, proven physical child abuser, or just doesn't want the kids. In contested custody, mother almost always wins, even if the father did half or even more of the real child care.

However, I think it is best to swallow this bitter pill of loss of daily child contact in exchange for ending this toxic situation. Despite being only an "every other weekend dad", my older child respects me far more than his mother, as he has seen through her selfishness and manipulation. My younger son seems too self-absorbed for me to really be sure what he thinks, but I know he does respect me.

Here's the most important part: you have become less of a man than you should be. You are rationalizing your situation, behaving poorly yourself (with paid feigned affection in the strip clubs, emotionally bonding/flirting with another woman, etc.). You're in an emotional affair yourself, and that is NOT an honorable thing to do. You need to become a man that you and others can respect and end the marriage now.
 

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Johnny

What part of selfish are you having trouble understanding???

You say you ave no sex with your wife. But then you say that you have sex every 3 months. And your if is pregnant? Oh hyeah, it must e an immaculate conception because you do not ave sex with her.

Here is a novel idea.

Stop screwing around on your wife and get some therapy for you and MC or both of you.

And oh yeah! Dump the GF before you knock her up too!

You already have enough problems.

My last suggestion for you, Grow the F Up!.........

Maybe in 5 more years you will be mature enough to make good decisions concerning your marriage, wife and children.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well thanks for being honest. I talked to the girl I was flirting with and it's clear we won't be talking anymore.
 

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Johnny

What part of selfish are you having trouble understanding???

You say you ave no sex with your wife. But then you say that you have sex every 3 months. And your if is pregnant? Oh hyeah, it must e an immaculate conception because you do not ave sex with her.

Here is a novel idea.

Stop screwing around on your wife and get some therapy for you and MC or both of you.

And oh yeah! Dump the GF before you knock her up too!

You already have enough problems.

My last suggestion for you, Grow the F Up!.........

Maybe in 5 more years you will be mature enough to make good decisions concerning your marriage, wife and children.
here's an even better idea...Stop beating up on the guy and either work with him, or pass this thread by... Take your own advice and grow up.. this is someone's life we are talking about, not a ride on the tilt-o-whirl!!..

We aren’t physical at all. We have sex about once every 3 months (the last time she got pregnant). I can’t remember the last time otherwise that we’ve kissed. This alone creates so much anxiety and depression I can barely stand it. I’m a very physically affectionate person. I can’t stand not being able to hold anyone at all. Our sex is mechanical and more out of pity for me than anything else and incredibly unsatisfying, she hates doing it.
There is your answer my friend.. If she wont sleep with her husband, then its over. Staying will only make you hurt more..
 

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here's an even better idea...Stop beating up on the guy and either work with him, or pass this thread by... Take your own advice and grow up.. this is someone's life we are talking about, not a ride on the tilt-o-whirl!!..



There is your answer my friend.. If she wont sleep with her husband, then its over. Staying will only make you hurt more..
Geek Down

You must not read too well.

She does sleep with her Husband albeit infrequently.

She is also pregnant by him.

And my advice was not a beat down. It was just that, advice that he can think about or ignore.

But not only is he hurting himself by his poor choices; he is hurting his wife and GF.

That was the point I was trying to get across.

Peace.

HM64
 

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You're miserable.
You're sure there's NO CHANCE of your wife changing or you changing.
If you don't leave, THIS will be your life for the next 30+ years.
You WILL end up cheating on your wife physically.
Your children will NOT respect you (either for being a doormat to their mother OR for cheating on her).

Tell your wife the marriage is over. Tell her you are filing for divorce. Do not tell her "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you"; that is bullsh!t double-speak and means NOTHING...it just p1sses people off! DO TELL HER "I will always respect you as the mother of my children, but I do NOT love you and I do not feel love from you. Let us move on AS ADULTS and build two HEALTHY households that the children can grow up in with respect, love, healthy role models, and less stress."

Move out and HIRE AN ATTORNEY. Tell your attorney you would like PRIMARY custody of your older child. (Your wife may get tired of having to actually WORK and take care of him: cooking, laundry, cleaning, homework, etc. and turn him over to you!)

Knock off ALL contact with outside women: no flirting, no texting, no emails, no phone calls, no dates, no meeting-up, no nothing (need I say NO SEX?!?) Read some books that will help you GROW AS A MAN and learn to put your OWN LIFE to rights before you try to move on with another woman (preferably NOT a stripper!).

Get started now, dragging things out through the holidays 'so they won't be ruined' is bullsh!t...they'll be "ruined" after the fact and your STBXW will just see them as a lying sham that you went through for nothing.
 

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I will only add as someone who had their SO heart wander to other men -- I am not mad that the marriage is over. That may have been a certainty. I am mad that she didn't have the respect for me to the end the marriage (or move out, or something else very CLEAR) before she started fooling around.

You're in a bad situation but don't make it worse for you, for your wife, for your girlfriend, for everyone, by considering messing around. Just END it if you want to be with this new woman.. that will also give you some perspective, because sometimes the new woman may seem better just because you feel stuck with the wife. Maybe if you end it you can see the new relationship in an accurate light.

Just my two cents.
 

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You need to end this marriage now. It does not matter that she is pregnant. Your children do not benefit from you allowing yourself to be treated this way. No child wants to be the reason that their parents remain in an abusive marriage.

See an attorney about your rights, file for primary custory of your child(ren). Do not move out of the house until you have a consulation and a plan worked out with your attorney.

If you leave with no plan, she will look like the primary care giver and you will be lucky to get 50% custody.
 

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Here's my two cents:

Firstly, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. But please, whatever you do, don't explain away your cheating. She didn't make you cheat. You made yourself cheat. If you were unhappy with your marriage, the solution is to get out of it.

Unfortunately, based on where you currently are, I struggle to believe you're thinking straight. You've muddied the water (EA, strippers) really badly on this one - Your mind is already in self-defence, trying to justify your actions, in which case you're likely to villify your missus more than she probably deserves.

I have no idea how you're going to play this one out. In the end, yes, you're going to have to leave the marriage. But your excuse unfortunately comes across as a desire not to face up to the facts. You were happy to do the strippers thing, but are also concerned about your kids? If she throws you out of the house for cheating, how would you plan to help with the kids?

Bottom line - you should probably leave this marriage. But own up to your faults (which to be fair, you did kind of do so earlier) and don't make yourself out to be the victim here - that ship sailed the moment you stepped outside your marriage
 

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I can only like a comment once, but as someone who heard the comment 'YOU PUSHED ME INTO THE ARMS OF ANOTHER MAN' and had to summon all my inner peace to avoid committing a REAL crime at that moment.. don't make excuses for infidelity. You can end the relationship and start a new one, nothing wrong with that at all. Even if you're not worried about 'right or wrong' just know it will make everything so much more complicated if you continue down the path with OW.

PS, Not beating a dead horse since the OP did post he stopped the relationship with OW. Good work. You still have a long road to travel but you avoided completely unnecessary complication and hurt.
 

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Geek Down

You must not read too well.

She does sleep with her Husband albeit infrequently.

She is also pregnant by him.

And my advice was not a beat down. It was just that, advice that he can think about or ignore.

But not only is he hurting himself by his poor choices; he is hurting his wife and GF.

That was the point I was trying to get across.

Peace.

HM64
I stand by my statement......
 

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GET OUT NOW. This is a no-brainer. Custody doesn't have to be every other weekend. Who knows - your wife is so lazy she might not want them anyhow. How sad for the kids. Why did you every marry her? I guess that doesn't even matter. Don't give up hope for happiness. You CAN be in a happy, mutually respectful, loving, caring, devoted, equal, fun marriage. They exist. You made a bad choice in women this time but it isn't a life sentence. You will get out of this depression as soon as you are free from this huge noose around your neck. Get out.
 

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Tldr version:


- I am constantly depressed, lonely, and empty and feel trapped. I can barely get through the day at this point I am so miserable.


I really need help badly. I hope you take the time to read this and offer some advice because even just a little support will help me out a lot.

I feel worthless.

I can’t describe in words how much I hate myself for the ways I feel and things I’m doing and have done. I am now constantly depressed, incredibly lonely, and empty.
:(

Your emotional confusion and pain is evident in your post. How was your personality before you married? Have you had problems with depression in the past? Hows your self esteem?.....(I have had depression problems myself)

I don't think you are standing up to your wife. Women want a strong man with confidence who will stand strong. Even though she may try to control you, deep down that is not what she desires.She doesn't respect you and its not her fault, its yours. Deep down she wants to respect you, be a strong man that she can feel secure with , respect and stand your ground.
 

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Listen, if you don't like your wife worrying that your cheating, stop flirting with other females. It kind of sounds like her suspicions are warranted. I have been on the other end here and let me please just give some food for thought.

-Being pregnant with another baby at home is not easy
-Having a husband who feels entitled to go out and "play" leaving you home 24/7 with kids that he helped make is also not easy
-Worrying that he can't be trusted a with computer is not easy
-Worrying if he is lying and sneaking around constantly is not easy

I admire you candour and I WISH my husband could be as open and honest as you were about what you are going through and your faults as you were here in your post. Even though things maybe over with your wife, please have some empathy for her. I know you have never been pregnant or been a stay at home mother, but it isnt the easiest thing and it starts to take its toll. Especially when your husband wants to go out and play and you cant trust him. I am not trying to shame you because I think you are trying to in ways maybe right your wrongs.

I think it is sad that she is pregnant. Will you have any part of the child's life? I feel that divorce is probably for the best but I am not in an ideal situation myself and cannot bring myself to divorce my husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
First off I want to thank all the replies. This is so much more than I expected and I do value your input.

Someone mentioned my candor. I don't see why that should ever be an issue. I posted here for help and don't see a reason why anyone who would post here would do so an not be 100% straight forward.

I would like to clarify that I've been 100% faithful for our entire relationship of 8 years, 5 married. That is until the stripper thing a year ago and the texting girl recently. She has never trusted me our entire relationship.

I also want to say that I know it sounds like I'm making excuses and justifying my actions. The truth is that in a way I am. It's because I'm trying to salvage myself in a way. I've just been terrible within the last year and I know it. I feel terrible about it. I feel incredibly guilty. And I hate myself every day. And it's really hard to describe in this post just how much I do. It really took a lot to even write in words even though this is anonymous that I want a divorce and my wife is pregnant. When I found out my first child was on the way I was ecstatic, excited, and so happy. The pregnancy actually brought us closer togeher. I didn't care about our problems anymore. And I didn't care about doing all the work in anything. I just wanted to protect her, nurture her, and our upcoming child. And the whole time I thought, isn't this what I should always be feeling? Maybe this is our turning point. But now here we are. She even made a comment that she knew I was reacting differently. I told her its because this isn't the first time dad feeling anymore. But honestly, when we found out it put me in a huge depressive state. I felt trapped. TRAPPED. My plans of leaving just vanished. And I think about that everyday, how in felt an feel. And I think about how much of a piece of **** I am for thinking that about what will soon become my new child. How horrible of a person I am to think that... And that's where I am right now.

I talked to a friend recently about this. He told me that no matter when I ask for a divorce I will be a piece of ****, whether she is pregnant or not. Because it'll be because there is a new baby, or because there are two children. Her family will still hate me (an I love her family).

I know what I've done in the past was wrong. I feel terrible about it. I was incredibly weak about it. I had emotional and social needs that weren't being key but instead of just manning up an leaving I made excuses and made the whole thing worse. If there was any doubt about me realizing these mistakes in my original post I'd like to clarify that right now. Ive been weak and I know it. I can barely look at myself any more.


Finally, I really appreciate even the harsh reality replies. I wouldn't put myself out here if I couldn't take them. It's not like don't deserve them anyways.
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I'd do fancy quotes but I'm unfortunately on my phone right now.

To the Mel post m personality before marriage was that I was mostly independent. I took care of my self. My parents raised me very strictly and I was very liberated when I moved out. When my wife an I met we were good friends for about a year until we then decided to date. We almost broke up several times because of our clashing personalities. She was a homebody an I was more of a han out outside of the house with friends. I eventually gave in because I was completely in love with her and knew that if I didn't change I would lose her. Also I didn't want to brim up the depression part but I've struggled with it a lot in the past but worked through it a lot. Before we dated I did a lot of work on relieving my own stesses and anxieties and was able to do that very well. I think it's fair to say my self esteem is pretty poor. I've lost all motivation in just about everything and i feel incredibly worthless.
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
To jtech I have been 100% faithful to her until
The stripper thing last year and the flirting girl recently. It's been a constant stress on our relationship that we've discussed many times including in counseling that she had never trusted me. That doesn't make what I did right. It's terrible. But I just wanted to point out that it's been an issue all this time, unwarranted until recently.

Also you're right about the pregnancy and taking care of the children at home thing. I know it took its toll. During her first pregnancy she was miserable throughout most of it. And she had an incredibly long and difficult labor. During that time we were he closest we ever were. And one of the struggles I feel now and reasons why i feel so terrible is that she told me then that I was he perfect husband for a pregnant wife and how appreciative she was o my support. And regardless of that here I am now, recently in a texting affair that just recently ended while my pregnant wife wonders why I'm acting so differently now. I know she needs me right now. That's what is making this so difficult. I truly want to leave her but I'm stuck im this trapped thought process.

That thought process went: well we have a lease on a place do I can't leave now. We have dogs and what would happen to them? We've been together so long. We bought a house together so hpw could we? We have a child now and i can't leave her. I don't want to leave my child. Now we have another on the way.


Also there was a post about how I would raise the new child. Regardless of my feelings now about th pregnancy I would act in the same way with my current child. I love my son very much. And as selfish as it was, part of the reason I didn't leave her was because I could not bear to not see him absolutely every day. And I know that for his best interests I need to somehow get over that. If I could I would gladly have both children 100% of the time and dedicate every moment to them.
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OP leave your dreamy childhood behind and take up the reigns of the life you created. You will feel a sense of the dignity and power that comes with adulthood.

You married of your own free will and brought one soul into the world with one is on the way.

These are heavy responsibilities but a moral compass that points towards commitment, compassion and a sense of responsibility will buffer you against the desire to run from your responsibilities. You may even find joy and love.

Ditch the OW and give your full attention to your marriage and your kids.

Work as hard and as long as humanly possible to fix yourself and your relationship with your wife. Encourage your wife to do the same.

All of your posts are I, me, me, mine. Being a father takes away some of your freedom. You have an absolute responsibility for nuturing your children.

I think what happened to you is that you met women and thought you could make a better deal. Then your wife and kids became burdens and your life gray.

You want to throw away your family to run after the bright penny you thonk is out there waiting for you. Can you not see how foolish and childish you are. Women are not attracted to boys.

After you gain your freedom no decent woman will want anything to do with a man who leaves his pregnant wife to pursue sex. Maybe you will be happy with strippers but watch your wallet.

You say you hate yourself. Not enough to work on becoming a better man and human being.

Sometimes reading and contemplation helps to reframe your experiences. If you are interested in self improvement, read
Every Good Endever by Tom Keller.

It has religious overtones but it has a message for everyone. Faith in something bigger than yourself gives you ballast to weather the storms of your life.

Your ship is swamped right now and you are about to go under. No amount of sex with other woman will keep you afloat.
 
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