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You guys know the story because it's written all over these forums. Prior to getting married, GF gave BJs. First few years of marriage, wife gave BJs. Now the word BJ in my house means that I am just being selfish.

I've been married for ten years and have three kids. My wife does not work and stays at home with the kids. This has worked very well, for the most part.

The one thing she refuses to do is give me a BJ. It drives me nuts and I resent her a lot for not giving me this pleasure. She knows I love it. I tell her she's great at it. But she just flat out refuses now and calls me selfish. I get in the shower, shave up, soap up, and let her know that I'm ready.

I explain to her that even if she doesn't like it, she should do it because it makes me happy. I give her oral regularly. I don't drink. I don't use tobacco or do drugs. I don't gamble. I've never cheated. I provide her with everything she wants. But I am being selfish when I ask for a BJ.

I bought the Male Action Plan (MAP) book and follow that whenever we get in this rut. I come here to vent. It's therapeutic to be able to write this down. I have a lot of resentment built up against my wife over this. So much I know it's not physically or mentally healthy. I come to these forums and read a lot too. I know there's a lot of men out there experiencing the same thing.

One of the reasons I think our sex life in general is suffering is due to our sleep schedules. I'm in the military and leave the house at 430am and get home around 6pm. I go to sleep around 10pm every night. My wife stays up late and watches a bunch of shows she's DVRd during the day. She tells me this is her time to unwind because the kids are finally asleep. I've tried to stay up with her but the show's she watches are literally to painful for me to watch. Real Housewives, 16 and Pregnant, Bad Girls Club, etc. All absolutely horrible shows that teenagers watch. I tell her she's rotting her brain watching this crap.

Thanks for listening guys. I wish everyone a good night.
 

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Even behind a computer screen, I perceive your sense of selfishness. It's like you ask for it and you want to have your BJ, regardless of the possibility that she doesn't enjoy it.
You said you do everything for her, but are those acts of service what she wants??
Just because you think you do things right, it doesn't mean they are- because she simply doesn't see it that way. You give her oral regularly, but if she doesn't enjoy it , who cares? You give it because she enjoys it or YOU enjoy it? If it's the latter, then she could be right...you're selfish.
With this being said, I'm not saying you're all wrong and she's totally right. But you should find her love-language so that she can feel desired just like you want to. If she doesn't feel desired and if her needs aren't being met then you insisting on getting yours met, will sound selfish.

There is a reason why she thinks you're selfish and when women have that feeling, usually they're right.


I explain to her that even if she doesn't like it, she should do it because it makes me happy.
This screams "I'm selfish. I don't care how you feel about it. Just do it for me. I want it here and now!"
If I had a man tell me this, then I'd refuse giving him BJ for the rest of our lives together.
Instead, I would prefer him to do things that PLEASE ME (not just him) and this would make me do things that please him (including BJs - if he gave me oral and I enjoyed it.)

Good night!
 
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There is always more to every story but if we go on your post OP then I don't think you are being selfish at all. BJ were given before and early on in the marriage so why should they not continue? Your needs are important and a loving partner should be giving. Does she say you are just a selfish person in general or with this one issue?

I agree that you should stop giving her oral but be careful not to be passive aggressive about it or you may make the downward spiral even worse.
 

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Even behind a computer screen, I perceive your sense of selfishness. It's like you ask for it and you want to have your BJ, regardless of the possibility that she doesn't enjoy it.
You said you do everything for her, but are those acts of service what she wants??
Just because you think you do things right, it doesn't mean they are- because she simply doesn't see it that way. You give her oral regularly, but if she doesn't enjoy it , who cares? You give it because she enjoys it or YOU enjoy it? If it's the latter, then she could be right...you're selfish.
With this being said, I'm not saying you're all wrong and she's totally right. But you should find her love-language so that she can feel desired just like you want to. If she doesn't feel desired and if her needs aren't being met then you insisting on getting yours met, will sound selfish.

There is a reason why she thinks you're selfish and when women have that feeling, usually they're right.




This screams "I'm selfish. I don't care how you feel about it. Just do it for me. I want it here and now!"
If I had a man tell me this, then I'd refuse giving him BJ for the rest of our lives together.
Instead, I would prefer him to do things that PLEASE ME (not just him) and this would make me do things that please him (including BJs - if he gave me oral and I enjoyed it.)

Good night!
I think you are completely missing the point she did it before...

Or was she doing what she thought she needed to do to keep him in the relationship ?

I give my GF oral because she likes it, not because I like it.. But it makes me HAPPY to see her pleased when she has an orgasm. But there are times it's literally fvcking work to do it that I end up going limp..

It's at those times it's her job to get it back up for me..

I think in this instance the OP is fair with his issues. Mind you I have no clue how old his kids are..

But for the OP... Did you ever think 69 ?
 

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Another thread of yours your mention this

I spend a few minutes stimulating her.

It's interesting that you brought this up though because her definition and mine are different when it comes to seduction. She thinks it needs to be a production. I don't. I blame all the shows she watched for playing these delusions of romance. At the end if the day I've been up since 0400 and arrive hone around 6pm.

I believe she should be happy that I provide a safe and secure environment and at the end of the night we get naked and enjoy each other. I don't want to light candles and put rose petals in a bubble bath every night. It's not reasonable.

I have no problem giving her oral pleasure either. She never lets me even if I try.

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Isn't it the same thing? Even though you don't want to, you should for her because it will make her happy? If she feels that sex is already a little blah with no seduction and just a "a few minutes stimulating her" and then
Sensing she's not into it I finish as fast as I can. Then she asked if I already finished and I said yes. She let out a very disgusted sigh and went to the bathroom.
I wouldn't be all excited about giving BJs either. Try some seduction, foreplay, mutual Os and fun and then start adding new things into the mix but IMO you have to fix the basic (sex) first. If she's already feeling used then she's not going to want to offer up more.
 

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I find that women that have everything given to them, become very ungrateful. Her watching show after show of witchy middle age women acting like brats doesn't help. Having said that, a woman has to want you. Your wife is not attracted to you enough for her to do something that pleases you. Sounds like you're getting duty sex, which she can do with her eyes closed and imagine some other guy is banging her.

You need to work on building attraction. You can't use logic, persuasion, whining, nor nice her into wanting to give you a BJ. It's easy to get into a rut and take each other for granted.

You need to work on improving yourself. Go to the gym. Improve your fashion, hair, etc. These things can help. Make sure you're doing manly hobby and not sitting around the house watching TV while she's doing housework. Date your wife. Not just movie & dinner. Think outside the box. Think back to when you were pursuing her. Let her feel your desire for her. I recommend that you read the Love language book. You want to make sure that your efforts are targeted. You can be doing things that you think she likes but she can be like, eh.
 

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While this is not exactly on topic, I sometimes have this dream where I am able to give myself a blowjob. I then wake up and brag to my wife about it!!!!

...then I realize I can't finish the job and she has the advantage!!! She will usually give me just one or two gentle licks until I apologize for bragging and then I begin begging her for more.

...long story short, every time I dream about being able to give myself a blowjob I eventually end up gladly scrubbing out the showers in the house until they sparkle just the way my wife likes them.

Cheers,
Badsanta
 

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I tell her she's rotting her brain watching this crap.
First of all, stop doing this. She's allowed to watch whatever she wants on TV. Just because YOU don't enjoy something doesn't mean she's bad for enjoying it.

My ex, who is quite abusive, used to take this attitude with me about reading People magazine and thinking like that. I have a college degree and he only graduated high school, yet he still got on his high horse about me being interested in pop culture. Get over it.

As far as your sex issue, I agree with whoever asked you if you'd questioned her about why she won't do that anymore?
 

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This screams "I'm selfish. I don't care how you feel about it. Just do it for me. I want it here and now!"
If I had a man tell me this, then I'd refuse giving him BJ for the rest of our lives together.
Why??? I’m happy to do whatever my wife likes. It’s how love works. A good spouse does things just for the sake of his/her love though it’s not exactly what he/she enjoy to do.
 

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No you are not selfish.

Did bj's stop at the same time as you stopped spending time together? I can't understand why you are selfish now and not before. Do you know?

Don't say she should do it weather she likes it or not. I am sure that you can see that she gets the impression that bj are more important to you than she is. I hope that is not the case. My impression is that you are so frustrated and angry that you have lost prospective. Before you approach her about this again, think about the quality of the relationship. You two don't spend time together, you don't share activities apparently, and you don't seem to like your wife. The bj thing seems way out of proportion to all of the other things in the relationship. Perhaps working on regaining a loving caring relationship will help.

If you ask her for a bj when she is not warmed up sexually that may be a mistake. Try having an oral sex session. you give her and then she gives you. Does she orgasm with PIV or just oral sex or manual stimulation. If she does not orgasm when you have sex and you do, you are unlikely to be rewarded with a bj.
 

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Please don't criticize her choice of tv, she doesn't need your approval for her tv preferences. That kind of attitude creates resentment and a parent child dynamic that will only result in less intimacy.

You should probably stop asking, it doesn't appear to be getting you what you want. You can stop giving her oral, though you might find it's not as important to her as you think.
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OK since reading the quoted past post of yours it seems that perhaps you are a selfish person and lover. Might want to open your mind a bit about what is actually going on in your home and marriage.
 

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I'd stop worrying about BJ's and start worrying about the part where you don't sleep together. You are asleep before she joins you and gone before she is awake. And She has set this up. That worries me a lot more than a change in appetite after three pregnancies. BTW your employer is trying to get you single again. Some organizations prefer their people that way.
 

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Gotta say, you have said some of the same things my husband has said to defend himself. "I'm a provider. I work and bring home the money. I am tired, too tired to put any effort into you or our relationship."

1. She's told you what she wants from you, but you think it's too much effort so you don't do it.
2. While being the provider is absolutely something for which she ought to be grateful it doesn't entitle you to a blow job on demand.
3. You've been given advice about love languages, emotional needs....and yet you do the MAP. So how's that working out for you?

Now, get the damn books "5 Love Languages" and go to this web site and read about "emotional needs." Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice also read about "love busters."
 

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2. While being the provider is absolutely something for which she ought to be grateful it doesn't entitle you to a blow job on demand.

...yes... imagine if you can in a hypothetical world where she is the provider, she comes home all tired and while on her way to the shower she tells you to be ready to "toss her salad" when she gets out. Meanwhile you had a tough day at home and want to talk about how you are having trouble keeping rabbits out of your home garden and they just ate all your prized vegetables that you had spent the entire summer cultivating. However, she could care less about that and gets frustrated about you whining. She insists you can just buy you some organic tomatoes from the store the next day and that you right now you really need to get yourself ready to toss her salad.

...then it does not happen, and the wife takes to the internet to complain about not getting her salad tossed. With virtually no mention of what happened in your vegetable garden, cause she does not have energy to deal with that.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Yes point was that if you are being told you are selfish, it's most likely for a reason. What is that reason?
The reason could be that she is the selfish one.
 
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