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Hi:

I meet my husband 3 years ago but we only dated long distance for 8 months before we got married. It was a whirlwind romance and I was really nice, kind, giving, and sweet but I changed because he lied to me alot and he would not keep his word about anything. He is also very passive. He will agree to do things just to make me happy but then silently resentment me. He would only say how he really felt during arguments. He does not feel lilke his needs are important so he does not communicate them, which makes it hard to know what to do or what makes him happy.

His parents divorced when he was about 13 years old. His father cheated on his mother and left her with 3 kids. So this is his example for relationships. He has admitted that he cheated on most of the women he dated and never really cared for anyone. By the way, he is almost 40 years old.

As previously mentioned, we dated long distance for 8 months. His roommate was his sister's best friend, a very disrespectul female. She is a long time family friend and let me know that she and my husband had never had a relationship other than big brother to little sister type connection. She was in a relationship but I just did not feel comfortable watching them interact. I spoke with him about boundaries in month 5 but nothing changed. I felt like he did not protect me in that situation. Its like it was my fault that me and the roommate did not get along.

He did quit his job and relocate to my state in order to give our relationship a chance. I did tell him that I would support him while he was building his business with his family. After promising that we would get married, he decided against it. I broke up with him and stopped talking to him for one month. I allowed him back into my life and he did the same thing, broken promises but I gave him another chance after he proposed at least 10 times because I guess I wanted to be married and have a family with him.

Well after we got married in July 2012, he moved into my home. I dont know what happened. I pay most of the bills. He does contribute when I ask him but I just feel some sort of way still. I just lost respect for him somewhere along the way.

Its like I have to tell him how a husband should be and he is almost 40 years old, the roommate and her fiance also moved here so I have to deal with the disrespect still and we are married now, and he does not communicate well.

I started kicking him out of my house and making him go back to his live/work space, calling him names, throwing objects, and pushing his face with my finger. We argue every other day.

On yesterday, I tried to talk to him about boundaries with the old roommate since she lives in our town and we saw her at a family gathering. As usual she was rude as heck. He said he would stop talking to her but I was trying to communicate and meet somewhere in the middle. I just wanted him to reassure me but he became angry then I became angry.

I kicked him out for the fourth time, I threw a 12 pack of sodas at his feet as he left, and I pushed his face with my hand. He says he wants a divorce because we do not click and due to the verbal abuse as well as making him leave the home. I dont treat anyone else like this and I dont know why I mistreat him. It is something about him that makes me act out. I know it is immature and mean.

I think our 2 month marriage is over and I dont know what to do. He says he wants a divorce and he stopped answering the phone yesterday. I have no intention of calling him back. Maybe he is right. I guess I just want to hear your thoughts if you have experience with this type of situation. Please help.
 

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From a generous perspective, it is possible that you and your husband have very different communication styles and expectations for a R/S. You might consider attending a couples communication workshop and/or marriage counseling and/or self-help books on nonviolent communication. Sometimes there are significant cultural differences that can be difficult to work out.

From a less generous perspective, while your husband does not appear perfect... You seem to blame others for your own failings. (Eg., making your husband responsible for your interactions with his roommate....being like a husband ought to be...him making you act out.) It also seems like your husband might trigger some of your more inappropriate behaviors. This tends to happen a lot when people have bad parental models and marry someone who resembles their parents. You might consider personal therapy before anything else. It is good that you realize that a lot of this is really your responsibility.

From a realistic perspective, you are both old and unlikely to change significantly. Better to divorce after a few months than waste years fighting. Overall, your husband is probably better off without you. I'm honestly thinking that divorce is a pretty good solution for him. Based solely on my impression of this posting, it might be best if you stayed single and avoided having children until you've really come to grips with some of your issues and figured out what sort of person you could be married to without constant fighting.

--Argyle
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thank you both for responding. I appreciate you reading the long post and offering your perspective. I do love him but I dont know why I dont act like it. As Argyle noted, perhaps he reminds me of my father and or stepfather in some way. Although my biological father was present, loving, supportive, and very active in my life, I never developed respect for him because I did not like the way he treated women. Similarly, I felt the same way about my stepfather.

I will be sure to keep you guys posted and thanks again.
 

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You could spend thousands on counseling, but the quickest way to overcome your violent tendencies would be this... just wait for the police to show up at one of your domestic violence outbursts. When they do, go off on them the same way you do your husband. You will be forever cured.
 

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You might be onto something regarding your parents. I can tell you that a friend with similar issues went through 4+ bosses and half of her male co-workers in an identical fashion. It wasn't them.

The problem nowadays with waiting for the police and going off on them is that (my wife has experience with this...) they will arrest you (a woman) and charge you with a felony. (Assuming they're competent...they might just shoot you.) You'll probably be able to plea bargain down to a misdemeanor - but your arrest record will be potentially searchable by future employers - and the interest on a 50k bail bond is about 5k. So, I'd recommend something different. I will also observe that, while being arrested will provide a useful consequence that may reduce your behaviors, it won't cure the underlying issues.

I wish you well. Therapy may help. (Many insurance plans cover counseling.) In particular, dialectical behavioral therapy does seem to help with emotional management. In the short-term, a lot of people have 'scripts' in their head and those can be difficult to avoid reproducing. Calling 'time-outs' whenever either person feels the conversation is getting out of hand can help, couples communication workshops can help (I really like 'Mastering the Mysteries of Love'), and changing the form of communication can help. If you're primed to throw tantrums at people when you discuss relationship issues, try texting or emailing or writing down the issues - it isn't a solution, it is really hard to throw a tantrum through email - and also gives both parties time to think and respond. It also helps to just not talk to people when you're upset - write down the issue - work out your anger somehow - and then discuss the issue when you're calm.

Basically, it is hard to change yourself - and a bit easier to add a new behavior - so you could try adding some new behaviors that prevent the tantrums first.

--Argyle
 

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I admit when I read your post I got so angry I wanted to stick things in my eyeballs! Other than the face-palming and throwing perfectly good 6 packs, you are EXACTLY like my wife! On the other hand, I respect your ability to admit that you are wrong and you are obviously reaching out for help. Kudos for that. I completely agree with argyle that your husband has every right to leave you and probably should.

Question: Was he a strong, confident independent man when you fell in love with him? If so, he is obviously not that person anymore. Why? Because you BROKE him! The one person he loved, respected and looked up to more than anyone else on earth was you. And you treated him like ****, walked all over him, broke him down and made him feel worthless.

When my wife fell in love with me I was the strong, outgoing, self-assured, positive-outlook-having man I wanted to be. Then I married her. Then she broke me with her constant blame, accusations, guilt, lack of intimacy, anger, etc. I started to completely doubt my self-worth. I really did start to think I was boring, lazy, sick and addicted to sex. We've only been married a year and a half and I cant count on both hands and feet how many times she's threatened divorce. Then she kicked me out of the house and now we really are going to split.

She could have been happy. We BOTH could have been happy but instead she chose to treat me like that. I know I should have stood up to her and put my foot down but the thing is, I really thought she was right and that I really was a piece of ****. No more. Now I've learned. Now I will be a much better husband to the next woman who comes along and appreciates what I have to offer.

Listen, you need to get ahold of him. Appologize for all that YOU have done, swear to him with all that you will never treat him like that again. Tell him you will put him first before yourself and ask him to take charge of your marriage. Before it's too late.

God bless you both.
 

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First, I think you need individual counseling, then possibly marriage counseling if he's wants to continue the marriage.

Sounds like you might have anger/control issues. Marriage is not about controlling someone. It's supposed to be 2 people becoming one, working as a team, being in it together, not fighting against each other.

My husband has been angry, controlling, and vindictive. There really is no marriage anymore. It just builds resentment. Hate builds hate, Love builds love, end of story. There are so many negative feelings built up over so many long years that we haven't had sex in almost 2 years.

Learn to love, it comes from within.

Good luck and Peace.
 

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Well you can't assault anyone, for any reason, even if you happen to be married to them. This behavior will cause YOU great harm as well as him.
If he is a liar then dump him. It's hell on earth living with a chronic liar.
 
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