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This happened about 20 years ago. It's easy to remember what you spent 20-30 thousand on, especially when you see it everyday on your house. But when you spend a thousand or two on miscellaneous items, those are easily forgotten. I'm only guessing, but I probably paid down a credit card or two and bought myself some trinkets. Which sadly to me, are hardly worth remembering 20 years later.



In hindsight, her decision to spend it on the house was the right thing to do. Her delivery on informing me of her decision sucked.
Yes, her delivery was poor, but that's not within your control. What is in your control is your response. I reccomend you start learning about interpersonal communications to better understand the dynamics between the two of you and to find communication strategies that will help both of you get your needs met.

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Discussion Starter #62
Just got back from my weekly visit with my therapist. I told her about joining TAM and how helpful and informative everyone is and it's nice to not feel so isolated in my situation.

An old memory popped up. Many many years ago someone asked my wife why she decided to marry me (don't remember the circumstances or where we were). Without pause or hesitation, she replied, "Because I figured he'd be easy to control."

Well, I didn't like that answer, but it showed that going into this marriage, she was assuming she was going to call the shots and I'd be subservient to her. And sadly she was right.

I've been dwelling on the past here to give you guys some background and perhaps a little understanding on how I got to where I am today. I've received a lot of great advice from you guys and I am taking it to heart.

The future looks bright to me. We can't change the past but the future is ours to make as we will. I appreciate all the work my wife is currently putting into our marriage. If I'm no longer badgered, criticized or made to feel like my needs don't matter, hopefully some feelings of affection will return.

Even though my wife stated in a moment of anger that she hates me being more assertive, that is going to become the new norm. She will no longer get away with inappropriate behavior like she did in the past.

Now please excuse me while I prepare supper for my wife before she gets home as that is what she asked me to do.
Is it because I don't want to be disobedient or because I love her and am glad to do this?
I guess I'll have to think about it for awhile and get back to you!0:)
 

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Just got back from my weekly visit with my therapist. I told her about joining TAM and how helpful and informative everyone is and it's nice to not feel so isolated in my situation.

An old memory popped up. Many many years ago someone asked my wife why she decided to marry me (don't remember the circumstances or where we were). Without pause or hesitation, she replied, "Because I figured he'd be easy to control."

Well, I didn't like that answer, but it showed that going into this marriage, she was assuming she was going to call the shots and I'd be subservient to her. And sadly she was right.

I've been dwelling on the past here to give you guys some background and perhaps a little understanding on how I got to where I am today. I've received a lot of great advice from you guys and I am taking it to heart.

The future looks bright to me. We can't change the past but the future is ours to make as we will. I appreciate all the work my wife is currently putting into our marriage. If I'm no longer badgered, criticized or made to feel like my needs don't matter, hopefully some feelings of affection will return.

Even though my wife stated in a moment of anger that she hates me being more assertive, that is going to become the new norm. She will no longer get away with inappropriate behavior like she did in the past.

Now please excuse me while I prepare supper for my wife before she gets home as that is what she asked me to do.
Is it because I don't want to be disobedient or because I love her and am glad to do this?
I guess I'll have to think about it for awhile and get back to you!0:)
It not that you don't love your wife...It's that you don't like the man that you've become over the years.
Read "The Rational Male"
You've lost your sense of manhood. You've become what you never wanted to be and are projecting that onto her persona.
Fix you....then your love for her will return.
 

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It not that you don't love your wife...It's that you don't like the man that you've become over the years.
Read "The Rational Male"
You've lost your sense of manhood. You've become what you never wanted to be and are projecting that onto her persona.
Fix you....then your love for her will return.


I really like this.

You associate your wife with feeling emasculated.....but it's you who has allowed that to happen.

I've no doubt my ex felt the same way....but it was his own fault. All he had to do was speak up and have adult conversations. Yes, that might include conflict and yes, he might have been uncomfortable. But the end result would likely have been resolution of many things and him having more direct power rather than being a 5 year old doing passive aggressive things and making snarky comments under his breath that his wife didn't respect.

Once you stand up, in a respectful way of course (standing up does not mean jerk) not only will you respect yourself but your wife will respect you a lot more.
 

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@st5555 ~ the only time I'd miss her or behavior like that is when signatures were required on the divorce decree!

Don't let the proverbial door hit her in the a$$ on her way out!
 

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I really like this.

You associate your wife with feeling emasculated.....but it's you who has allowed that to happen.
TRUTH! This happens almost every time a man feels this way.
The truth is we can ONLY fix ourselves anyway.
If he doesn't his next relationship will fail quickly.

Respect is earned for a man.
No woman lays down with a man she doesn't respect.
 

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@st5555, here is another way to view your situation.

Your wife never loved you or found you attractive as a prospective lover. But she found your income and parenting skills attractive material for being a husband. So she married you. In order to satisfy her needs. She never considered your needs or feelings. Which is the definition of being UNloving.

For many years, she pretended to love you. And you, who feared being alone and the financial hit and the impact on your children, allowed her to pretend.

Now the tables have turned. You are now the one pretending to love her. And she, knowing that a woman's value on the dating market declines as she ages, while a man's does not decline as rapidly, is now the one who fears being left alone. And who is allowing you to pretend.

So you see, there is a poetic justice in this. At the beginning of the marriage, all she wanted was to be married to you. Whether you wanted to be married to her or not. That was irrelevant to her. Years later, you are now giving her what she asked for and said she wanted. To be married to you. No matter what. And she is. She should be rejoicing. You are giving her exactly what she claimed to desire. To be married to you no matter how you felt about it.

This is your revenge. This is your moment to feel schadenfreude. Do not gloat outwardly, that is unseemly and makes it harder for both of you to pretend the marriage is healthy. But inside you can find contentment that you are serving her a very cold dish indeed.

If you cannot bring yourself to feel satisfaction at turning the tables on her, then you will feel more and more empty and unsatisfied the longer you stay with her. But do not feel that your current situation is "unwinnable". You are a winner from the perspective that you are paying her back in spades for the way she neglected and abused and manipulated and lied to you for all those years when all you wanted was for her to love you. And now, at long last, she probably does. So you both have exactly what you wished for all those years ago. Funny how it feels so different than you expected, isn't it?

This is an area where you two have a shared experience (getting what you thought you wanted, and finding it not as satisfying as you imagined). For some couples, that commonality would be a path that brings you together. But to follow that path, you would both need to be honest with in another. And there is no guarantee that honesty will bring healing rather than more pain.

I wish you peace no matter how you choose to move forward.
 

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Let me tell you my "aha" moment of emasculation.

I went shopping with my wife. It's very much not something I like to do, but I would often do it with her because she enjoyed it. We'd have a "date afternoon" at the mall. I enjoy buying her nice things, she enjoys getting nice things, you get the drift. So we're at the mall at lululemon or something, she's trying on stuff, and she asks me to hold her purse while she gets changed. So I'm sitting there in one of those chairs outside the change room, holding her purse, and she says through the door something like "I love shopping with you, it's just like shopping with my girlfriends only you buy me stuff!"

So I looked at the door, looked down at her purse in my lap, and considered well where I had gotten to in my life.

I stood up, shoved her purse under the door, and told her that I was going to Victoria's Secret and I wanted her to meet me there... because if I was going to waste my time shopping, I might as well shop for stuff that benefited me.
 
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